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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Agent for a Day Moderators: bert
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  Author    Agent for a Day  (currently 296 views)
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 5:07pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Agent for a Day - S01EP1 - Gotta Get the Part by Austin - Series, Comedy - LUCAS has an audition for a new action movie. To be properly prepared, he calls upon SUSAN to help him. Little does he know, she has no personal training experience at all! 21 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: May 18th, 2017, 1:03pm Report to Moderator

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Hello, all!

This is my VERY FIRST semi-professional script I've ever written! I'm so excited to get some feedback on it. As you might have read in the script itself, this is an idea that I'm developing and characters I'm working on.

Most of all, this is just practice. I would love any and all feedback on the format of the script, my writing skills, my story telling, the pace and if you would like to see a series based on these characters?

Thanks for the help!

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Posted: May 19th, 2017, 4:30am Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
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Austin, welcome to SS.

First tip: read scripts to ensure return reads - it's quid pro quo here on SS.

Second tip: Formatting. It's off. I'm no expert at formatting for TV Pilots but I gather you're proposing a half hour Pilot here. The script at the moment is hard to read. Dialogue should not stretch across the page - it should be indented. There shouldn't be spaces under character's names before the first line of dialogue begins.

I would format this:

             (to camera)

Or, as  (V.O.)

I did think  your opening with Lucas was at first a voice over.

Lucas Talking Head assumes he's addressing the camera, breaking the fourth wall, correct? If so, as above I'd use 'to camera'.

You'd do well to lose the passive voice imh.

SUSAN and LUCAS are sitting on the couch
Susan and Lucas sit on the couch.
On the couch, Susan and Lucas pore over the script.
Susan and Lucas, exhausted, slump on the couch.

LUCAS starts walking past SUSAN.
Lucas walks straight past Susan

... starts to lose it'
Lucas loses it.

He has some watery eyes,
His eyes water.
LUCAS is climbing
Lucas climbs

LUCAS runs down the trail, sweating hard,
You need a dash here to indicate the break with action -

LUCAS (breathy)
should be:
Parenthetical should be centred under character name, lower case.

I think, just as with usual screenplays, scene numbers are not needed and camera angles in general i.e., camera angles. I think also if this is a Pilot I'd go for a longer format to intro your story and characters.
See guide below:

Teaser:        2-4 pages
Act One:        14-15 pages
Act Two:        14-15 Pages
Act Three:        14-15 Pages
Act Four:        14-15 Pages
Tag:        1-2 Pages
Total:        59 to 66 pages

At the moment you've only three acts and you don't indicate when one act ends, i.e., END OF ACT ONE.

Like I said someone on SS is probably more familiar with Pilots than I am however I'm pretty sure I'm steering you in the right direction.

Go easy on exclamation points. Only use them in high tension moments.

Re story: Some nice quirky humorous lines, some cool nerdy references. It's not bad but more is needed. I would have liked you to incorporate the actual audition in the Pilot.

If it's a scenario where the series actually never gets to that point but rather sticks with Lucas's exploits in preparation for auditions then that's fine. On the other hand Lucas auditioning but always failing to get roles could be funny too.

At the moment it's just a little light on. I have no idea who Susan really is as a character, other than sidekick for Lucas's efforts. Defining her character and fleshing her out wouldn't go astray.
Lucas, likewise needs more.

I just want to add I think you have a great premise here but I think more needs to be thrown at it as a Pilot in terms of story.

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LC  -  May 19th, 2017, 5:25am
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Posted: May 22nd, 2017, 8:00pm Report to Moderator

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Thanks so much for the review!

I appreciate it and yes I will get on to commenting on other's scripts.

As for the formatting, I agree. I've learned a little more and I use celtx now. I used word 2013 to write this, so now I'm hoping the format won't be too much of a problem.

When it comes to writing the actions for my characters, I do struggle with using too many words. I'm still learning how to cut the fat off of my scripts. But I appreciate the examples and will cite those for future scripts.

Another thing, "the talking heads", I used these to indicate when the character was talking to the camera because I kept referencing the pilot script to The Office and it used that terminology. But maybe something more direct like "To Camera" would be better!

I'm glad you found some enjoyment in the story. This idea was just something I wanted to write out, not looking to do anything with it. I mostly wrote it on a lark and decided to see what others thought. Now that I know more, I will probably return to this script sometime soon and expand as well as improve on the script over all.

Thanks so much for the feedback!

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