Austin, welcome to SS.
First tip: read scripts to ensure return reads - it's quid pro quo here on SS.
Second tip: Formatting. It's off. I'm no expert at formatting for TV Pilots but I gather you're proposing a half hour Pilot here. The script at the moment is hard to read. Dialogue should not stretch across the page - it should be indented. There shouldn't be spaces under character's names before the first line of dialogue begins.
SUSAN TALKING HEAD
I would format this:
Or, as (V.O.)
I did think your opening with Lucas was at first a voice over.
Lucas Talking Head assumes he's addressing the camera, breaking the fourth wall, correct? If so, as above I'd use 'to camera'.
You'd do well to lose the passive voice imh.
SUSAN and LUCAS are sitting on the couch
Susan and Lucas sit on the couch.
On the couch, Susan and Lucas pore over the script.
Susan and Lucas, exhausted, slump on the couch.
LUCAS starts walking past SUSAN.
Lucas walks straight past Susan
... starts to lose it'
Lucas loses it.
He has some watery eyes,
His eyes water.
LUCAS is climbing
LUCAS runs down the trail, sweating hard,
You need a dash here to indicate the break with action -
Parenthetical should be centred under character name, lower case.
I think, just as with usual screenplays, scene numbers are not needed and camera angles in general i.e., camera angles. I think also if this is a Pilot I'd go for a longer format to intro your story and characters.
See guide below:
Teaser: 2-4 pages
Act One: 14-15 pages
Act Two: 14-15 Pages
Act Three: 14-15 Pages
Act Four: 14-15 Pages
Tag: 1-2 Pages
Total: 59 to 66 pages
At the moment you've only three acts and you don't indicate when one act ends, i.e., END OF ACT ONE.
Like I said someone on SS is probably more familiar with Pilots than I am however I'm pretty sure I'm steering you in the right direction.
Go easy on exclamation points. Only use them in high tension moments.
Re story: Some nice quirky humorous lines, some cool nerdy references. It's not bad but more is needed. I would have liked you to incorporate the actual audition in the Pilot.
If it's a scenario where the series actually never gets to that point but rather sticks with Lucas's exploits in preparation for auditions then that's fine. On the other hand Lucas auditioning but always failing to get roles could be funny too.
At the moment it's just a little light on. I have no idea who Susan really is as a character, other than sidekick for Lucas's efforts. Defining her character and fleshing her out wouldn't go astray.
Lucas, likewise needs more.
I just want to add I think you have a great premise here but I think more needs to be thrown at it as a Pilot in terms of story.http://www.movieoutline.com/articles/television-script-format.htmlhttp://www.whatascript.com/screenplay-format-05