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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Remee
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  Author    Remee  (currently 260 views)
Don
Posted: May 13th, 2017, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Remee by Richard Russell - Short, Horror - A young boy tries to determine who is more important-mom or dad-with the help of a clown. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was very interesting.

You did a very good job laying down some questions in the beginning, and when the answers finally came in the last couple of pages, it was a nice payoff.

I like the dynamic that Timmy has with the clown, the conversation was interesting and easy to follow.

The end was creepy, works for me.

Best of luck,
Luis
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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creepy clown stuff, always seems to work, although one feels that the evil clown is a well worn path

strangely, on finishing the read, i feel there was a lot this premise could offer - as almost this was an intro, rather than a story

the dad part was perhaps a little distracting - is he alive, is he real, is he home - but then never seen

i liked it, but in some ways it could deliver more

got potential -

i will say this, it is very contained, so a classic low budget horror-ish short. should be picked up, by a student like producer

all the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Warren
Posted: June 14th, 2017, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

SPOILERS- kind of

Didn't mind this one. It did feel quite familiar, but it was unique enough that I could definitely see it being filmed. It will probably be snapped up quick once 'It' is relased and everyone wants to make a killer clown film. The twist didn't hold out right to the end but it was still a good reveal when it clicked.

One nit pick, I didn't like this description, it just felt clunky:  


Quoted Text
40, with 40 face


Other than that good job.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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stevemiles
Posted: June 17th, 2017, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

The scenario felt a little familiar out of the gate but I warmed to this as the intent behind Timmy’s list became apparent.  A second read makes this all the more sinister.  

A couple of things that stood out:

‘The door opens and TIMMY’S MOM enters. 40, with 40 face and a body that shows several births.’

Nitpick, but this line stands out from the rest for the awkward phrasing surrounding the age.  Sure there’s a smoother way to write this.  I’m not sure what ‘a body that shows several births’ would look like - at least not with clothes on and even then I’m not sure I’m qualified...

The question of why Timmy would go along with Remee could do with underpinning.  Something to suggest he’s completely under the clown’s control or some such angle to help the story logic.  Why would he let this clown eat his family?

REMEE
Don’t blame me. You were the one who said the words.

TIMMY
I didn’t believe they would work.

I like this hint as to the ‘why’.  I almost want to know more.  Are these words linked to the death of the sisters only - like a trigger, or the whole reason behind Remee’s ‘existence’?

Creepy clown, good sense of mystery driving it along, shoestring appeal.  I think you’ve got something good here.  I’d be surprised if it wasn’t picked up.  Best of luck.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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