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A Night In The Woods by Jeff Hammye - Short, Horror - A young entrepreneur living a busy lifestyle plans one weekend to get away from it all. It all starts pleasant enough, however his excursion takes a harrowing turn when the sun goes down. 13 pages - pdf, format
Hi Jeff, Scary camping stories are great stuff. How about Bill Murray's in "Meatballs"? Good Stuff.
I think you missed the boat here. A creepy camping short? Just not harrowing enough and no horror.
So, an OLD MAN sits outside a campground and scares campers with a warning about "He". and then "He", the Old Man, No? (Plain Looking Man almost looking like the OLD MAN) visits the campsites at night and wrecks them while the campers sleep.
Okay. The Old Man's opening dialogues were cute but you kind of knew where the tale was headed; no big surprise.
Sean locks himself in the bathroom. A hand passes the window, pounding and a threat to "Let me In or you will die". Not scary enough.
I don't think the POLICE MEN added anything to the story.
In my opinion you need to pour some more "Scary Juice" on this one.
Mosquitoes, dead birds, pecker threats, not doing it. Also, not sure about , " The VOICE sounds inhuman. Almost too life like". What does that mean?
This has a structure for a really good scary, horrific short. Downplay the humor and increase the "ScaryStuff". Maybe add some gore. Just my opinion.
This one seems a bit long. You might consider getting the protag to the woods more quickly. After all, that's where the action is. The old dude at the trail head is fine. His warning is enough. He only has to say it once, and it can be a joke as far as he's concerned. He likes scaring people.
And as mentioned above, this needs to be scarier. You might consider not putting the guy in a bathroom. Let him battle this strange apparition. Let him imagine what's going on.
In any case, it's not a bad concept. Just needs some work.
It's a very long 13 pages. My mind started to wonder at about page 7.
No horror at all, there are attempts at a constant threat of it, but it never amounts to anything, and amidst all this horror Sean still manages to fall asleep. If your protag isn't even scared, how are you planning on scaring your audience.
Lots of passive writing which some don't care about, I personally think it does make for a harder read.
Not sure how to make this one better, sorry I couldn't be more helpful.