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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Bleeding In The Dark Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bleeding In The Dark by Chris Wood - Horror - Inspired by films like Kill Bill and Ms. 45, a girl who escaped a band of rapists tracks them down to exact her bloody revenge just after they have kidnapped a new group of victims. 95 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: June 13th, 2017, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

I read through the script. Your writing style made it an easy read. I liked the events kicking off at the rave, which is a ripe place for thing to go wrong for a group like this. I have some feedback if you're interested.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: July 13th, 2017, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

Read your script today. Really liked how it started out with a bang, with Erica immediately beginning her quest for revenge.

I also like how the script starts off like it could be a straight up slasher film with the setup of the young people going to a rave (though the Martyrs-like opening had me suspecting there would be more to it than a simple slasher) and then goes into much bleaker territory akin to Texas Chainsaw or a Jack Ketchum or Edward Lee novel.

I do think it would have been nice to have some quieter moments with Erica, just to give her more humanity rather than simply being a revenge fuelled killer. Whether it is through flashbacks or just showing a little more weakness. It would also help with the barrage of unlikeable killers we meet from the middle onwards. With them being such awful people, it would be good to get a break from the rampant vileness on display. It certainly makes me want to see Erica get her revenge, but it would be great if we got a glimpse of who she was before they got to her.

Also, I didn't really get a sense of who the killers were. How did they all meet? Is it one big backwoods family (with one of them moving to the suburbs) or an organised club. If it's the latter, it could be interesting to see how that kind of thing would work.

Still, this is hardcore horror, and works very well in that aspect.
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DavidH
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Hello Chris

I read your script and would like to share my thoughts.

I'm going to play it safe and say SPOILER ALERT.

First off, the script is an easy read since you have a very straight forward, no-gimmicks writing style.
I like the story and how you structured it. Very good idea with the rave.
The opening scene sets the tone well for the things to come.
Unfortunately, the writing takes a bit of a dive until the point where they get to the barn.
From then on, there's some really cool and snappy dialogue, especially between the capturers. In general, the dialogue is what I liked most about your writing. The end is a bit mundane for my taste: Barn blows up - sun rises- fade out.

On the other hand, the action writing is what needs the most work in my opinion.
While you're non-chalant writing style sometimes yields some cool lines, the descriptions
are often a bit uninspired. Too much of 'He does this then she does that and then he does some more
of this'. It sometimes sounds like you wrote down the first thing that popped into your head when writing the action. While this might do the job to convey what is happening, I think the script would benefit considerably if you took the time to work out more sophisticated descriptions. Especially, if you're trying to sell it at some point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about what is actually happening but how it is described.

Overall, i like your take on the rape and revenge genre and the general tone of the script.
I think you could flesh out some of the story elements. The group could be an organisation that provides services la Hostel for rich clients such as good old lawyer Tom, or something like that. As mentioned above, Erica's background/inner workings could also be elaborated. I think there's more meat on the bone than there is on the pages right now.

Nevertheless, good job!
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