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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Roiders
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Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2017, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Roiders by Roy - Short, Comedy - A couple of wannabe bodybuilders deal with a late shipment of steroids. 16 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 30th, 2017, 1:54pm
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LuisAnthony
Posted: June 27th, 2017, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hello.

A couple of notes,

First off, I really l like how you compose your action lines, they're quick, efficient, and very descriptive. It's tight, keep at it.

Also, Brandon is quite unlikable, if I saw him on screen, I definitely would not be rooting for him.

Dialogue is Ok, sometimes it feels a little exposition heavy, as in you are telling stuff to the readers through dialogue and it fractures the credibility in the conversation.  Maybe it's just me.

Ok, I continued reading and besides those exposition-heavy lines, the dialogue is very strong, i particularly love the exchange at the drive-thru.

The comedy itself works very well for this sort of short, it's very well realized and the whole poop fiasco was very enjoyable and it put a smile on my face.

Can I say that I was a little confused by the ending? Maybe I missed something.

Anyway, good job.
Luis
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Roy
Posted: June 27th, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Luis -

Thanks so much for the read. I believe you're right about the ending, I hadn't even realized it could be confusing until I read your comment.

To clarify....(Spoiler) The final news broadcast was meant to imply that the steroids were mistakenly delivered, and tracked by authorities, to Aaron's Templeton's home. Then they searched his home and found child pornography at his house validating Luke's earlier claim/suspicion that he was a child molester.  Luke gives Tim a "See, I told you so!" look upon hearing the news.

I'll see what I can do to clean up the dialogue (The USPS part was suppose to be removed but I uploaded the wrong version) and ending.

Again, I really appreciate the input and will keep an eye out for your future posts for return reads.

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Roy  -  June 27th, 2017, 9:59pm
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