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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Don't Get Out of the Car
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  Author    Don't Get Out of the Car  (currently 436 views)
Don
Posted: July 16th, 2017, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Get Out of the Car by Joseph Ulloa - Short, Horror - A car ride home goes horribly wrong.  5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Scripts need to be visual, how can we see this on the screen? You need to describe what you mean.


Quoted Text
That particular country road carries the reputation of a
late night treacherous serpent.


We already know she is on the side of the road, why repeat it?


Quoted Text
A woman (20ís) is stranded by the side of the road.
She sobs by the side of the road.


How can we see this from the dash cam?


Quoted Text
Runs to his car reach in an pullís out his cell phone.


Again how can we see this from the dash cam? you need to change your slug to make this more clear.


Quoted Text
Dead signal.


Can lose the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of every page.

The writing and spacing makes for a hard read.

You need to learn the difference between lay and lie.

So as far as the story goes, I love found footage type films and I really liked where this was going and then it never quite got there. I think you can lose that one line of dialogue, I think it would be really good without it.

The ending is missing something, a reason, a twist, why is this all happing? It's very anticlimactic that it's just a killer and then it ends.

With a better ending I could definitely see this being made. Kind of wish I had come up with the idea.

To summarise, the writing and formatting needs some serious work but there is a story in there. It just needs more at the end to pull it all together.



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Simon
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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'That particular country road carries the reputation of a late night treacherous serpent.' Show don't tell... I thought the first half of the story was a lot more interesting than the second half. The first had lots of mystery and tension, the second we just find out the two people died. I would have liked some kind of twist.


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