SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 16th, 2018, 4:05pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Red on Yellow - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Red on Yellow - OWC  (currently 1103 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12611
Posts Per Day
1.93
Red on Yellow by Sir Vival - Short, Dramedy - Two Amazonian tribesmen encounter a mysterious beast destroying their forest. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Cam Gray
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 5:43am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Glasgow
Posts
585
Posts Per Day
0.55
Hey writer,

Think I recognise the style and humour here.

Theme matching time. Less than 4 characters, yup. Foreign land alien to person, yup. 9-12 pages, excluding title, yup. All good!

It's quirky, and really well thought out. If I was to be negative, I'd say it was fairly obvious where you were going straight from the title page, and if the script wasn't any good you'd be in trouble. Fortunately, I really liked it. Easy to read, had me smirking all the way through and you kept a simple premise running over the duration without me losing any interest.

Quick nitpick. You've obviously written before, the formatting and style was pretty good. Just remember to CAPS the character intros!

Good work

Cam
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2924
Posts Per Day
0.87
Haha, a really funny one, writer.

I think he and the beast are one - that's the highlight for me.
Well, I have to say something... It's like a rule - to show you I really read it. So here it goes - it needs some tidying.
And, they wouldn't know how badly Jake smells while he's inside the beast - the first time they said it he was inside the bulldozer, wasn't he?
Anyway this is my second read and it's going to make my second recommend. Great challenge I guess. (I also read Dream and would recommend it to you)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:30am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3856
Posts Per Day
2.41
A few typos and two issue:


Quoted Text
Ururu dresses out the peccary and pulls out the liver. He
hands it to Konibu as a prize.


Given that they had just shot the thing, I thought you should have a transitional scene heading here, Something like: UNDER A TREE - LATER.

The Indian Character names are very close Urubu - Konibu.  Would have been a clearer read if they sounded differently - had to go back a few times and make sure I was clear on which was which.

The Story - loved it. Very cleaver and well told. I think this is a real solid effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
StevenClark
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1719
Posts Per Day
0.80
Writer,

I kinda liked this. Nothing surprising here, though. Pretty much knew where this was going, but it was told so well that I didn't mind much. Very vivid, descriptive writing. Nice job overall, but story wise it didn't cover any new ground.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
Heretic
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts
1684
Posts Per Day
0.31
Good fun and well written. I feel like Jake could be introduced earlier -- or something needs to connect the sequence with the peccary to the sequence with Jake more clearly. This kinda felt like two separate vignettes, and the ending really demands that it all feel like one big sequence, I think.

Told well and entertaining.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
CameronD
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
579
Posts Per Day
0.32
Establishing is not a time of day. Is it Day or night? For an establishing shot info like this is important.

"From above, the rainforest is seemingly endless. The tree canopies arch and blend together like a dark green carpet that allows very little sunlight through to the ground." Unless we are on the ground we won't know if any sunlight makes it through the trees. No need for that last line. Cut it.

CAP characters the first time we see them. Like the two TRIBESMAN and even the PECCARY.

"A huge yellow beast with one fang and claws pushes against the trunk of a massive tree. As it struggles, it growls and belches black soot from it's snout. When the roots finally give, it crashes." Ok, problem. This is written as if it was an actual yellow beast. We know it's a tractor so why not say so? Or are we supposed to see this through Ururru's eyes and it actually is like a yellow beast? You gotta be clear in your descriptions and what you are saying. Or else issues like this arise.

Also, whatever it's supposed to be should be in caps. TRACTOR. BEAST. TRACTOR BEAST.

"It's a shame that the operator has no respect for the equipment as it's trashed with litter and old food." Unfilmable. How do you film shame? Just describe the floor as littered.

Ten-four not 10-4 in dialogue.

Ok, some funny attempts at humor at the end. I didn't laugh but I understood the gags and the angle of the humor. Problem is there is no real conflict here. The tribesmen aren't really trying to stop the beast or if they are it isn't set up as so to drive the story forward. Without stakes of any kind the script spins in place.

Not bad but not great. Meh.




http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards

Revision History (1 edits)
CameronD  -  July 23rd, 2017, 6:21pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Dustin
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4816
Posts Per Day
2.44
Something a little different. Well written but I can't see it winning any awards... often when I say things like that I have to eat my words. Hopefully, that happens here. Good luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
ReneC
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
517
Posts Per Day
0.20
Overall, I like it. It's predictable, but there's enough of your style and specific voice to make it original. It must have been fun to write.

I had an issue at first with describing events from the perspective of the aboriginals. It's how you write prose, not a screenplay. But there's a nice juxtaposition when we're suddenly in Jake's POV that makes it work. I completely get what I'm seeing and it's still an engaging, well-dramatized read. Excellent choice.

Most of my beefs are with the dialogue. It's well-written, I just don't think aboriginals would talk the way they do. "Nice shot." "I have no idea." Those phrases seem out of place, culturally wrong.

The only question I'm left with is the title. Red on Yellow? It seems like a foreshadow of the ending, a strange choice for a title.

Great job!


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
stevie
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Down Under
Posts
2985
Posts Per Day
0.81
Yeah not bad. Well written and to the point. No real concerns with anything for me. Good effort


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
MarkItZero
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
686
Posts Per Day
0.71
Solid job. It could use another pass through but considering the time limit its understandable. Definitely had its moments. Hard to fault an ending like that.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10288
Posts Per Day
2.55
This starts out well enough, and seems to be serious, but once the 2 characters start "talking, it moves to comedy - as in think about the limited "dialogue" these 2 would actually have.

Page 2 - The "moments later" part needs to be a Mini Slug.

From here, things get goofy and I'm not enjoying the read.  Is this a comedy?  I just don't know.

Who is the fish out of water or stranger in a strange land?

Not bad and definitely different, but not for me, sorry to say.

Grade - ** 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
DanC
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1252
Posts Per Day
0.92
I kinda liked it.  Guy goes off to a foreign land to work.  Meets natives.  Natives kill him.  Isn't that how it works?

I kinda agree with Jeff in that it starts off as a serious story, then goes to comedy.  

This is always a pet peeve of mine, but, if the tribe is that isolated, how many words will they even know?  I mean, they've never seen a bulldozer, so, their dialog read too "American" for me.

Also, wouldn't the guy be aware of natives?  And other wild animals.  

Don't know if you're a South Park fan, but, they had a rainforest episode and trust me, there are a lot of deadly things in it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
853
Posts Per Day
0.36
Enjoyed the writing on the page, easy and quick read. What I enjoyed even more was the writing in regard to the characters' perspectives. One sees a beast and the other sees a machine - I thought the technique was amazing.

The oddities go both ways, and I thought the dialogue from the tribesmen was clever, part of why the read flowed so well. One of the better entries, probably translates solid to film too.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
PrussianMosby
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Posts
1239
Posts Per Day
0.66
P3 wait here

Introduction of beast was confusing. Don't like these kinds of decisions writing for style instead of clarity, not reader-friendly…

Cap characters when first time appearing

Okay now I understand the foregone decision concerning the beast concept and I really like it how you continue with it later. Still, I'd differentiate the first appearance of the beast a bit and make at least clear it's seen from the view/perspective of these natives: so, maybe a POV… or URURU'S VIEW something like that… (**rethought, somehow you should tell it's a dozer (as a sidenote) when first appearing, it just feels not right to me as it is.)

It's a very interesting confrontation. I like the characters.

Hmm, actually it's hard to believe that there are still tribes that live without any knowledge about the existence of machines since the industrial countries already shredded and mined in each spot of our planet, no matter who actually owns it… PERHAPS you just walked in there with some irony which is completely fine to me -- there's a message one way or the other

And anyway I in fact like the charming touch of the script and the innocence of those people as well as the complete difference between them and Jake's world…

Good conflict and characterization.

"It's...called...a selfie."
Very niiiice ending.

Well done. I enjoyed it. The best I read so far. A high quality script I think.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July 2017 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006