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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Network President
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  Author    The Network President  (currently 214 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Network President by Richard Rivera - Short, Comedy, Satire - A thoughtless, insensitive billionaire who owns his own commercial-free television station manages  to offend the viewing public with offensive programming. 18 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 13th, 2017, 6:03pm
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Cooper
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Ummm... I read the first character's dialogue and I said to myself, I'm out. Then I was about to move on and I couldn't help myself. So I read more and more and more. I'm calling it after six.

I'm all for crude and edgy but I guess to me it felt like crude for the sake of being crude. Others might love this but I'm having trouble with it. Honestly the trouble probably starts with the logline. It's simply a statement and doesn't actually convey drama.

You're obviously super creative. Fixing the logline might help you really focus your story, and drop the stuff that's unnecessary.

Good luck with this one.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.

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Cooper  -  August 3rd, 2017, 11:35pm
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Warren
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

SPOILERS - I think

This is a voice over and needs to be written as such unless Murry is on the screen which I'm pretty sure he isn't.


Quoted Text
MURRY'S VOICE
That's the VBG Network building.
Wait a sec. Listen, before I go and


Would be MURRY'S VOICE (V.0.).

Bit of an odd way to spell Murry.

If you are going to give your characters such long names, try keep the spelling consistent.


Quoted Text
So Vondergotrumm Senior
gave Vondergotrtumm junior


This really is no holes bared.


Quoted Text
Go to the nearest homeless
shelter. I'm sure you'll have no
problems finding a group of blacks.
Just make sure you use those that
are mentally ill. I don't want any
alcoholics on the set.


Is it VBV or VBG?


Quoted Text
Coming up on V-B-V


Lots of sloppy typos, I don't think this was edited at all.

And now there's aliens???? Haha WTF!

The more common spelling of Murray.


Quoted Text
You lost me, Murray.


And I'm done. Holy shit, that was like an acid trip gone bad.

So we have black face, slavery, Jews, gays, misogyny, UFO's, and a great white shark attack.

As previously mentioned the writing is really sloppy, lots of typos, but you know what I laughed, I laughed several times, and I laughed hard.

The dialogue is really quite good and snappy.

Maybe I'm just in a strange mood today but it's so random it's hilarious.

This will divide a lot of people, no doubt.







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velera
Posted: August 5th, 2017, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Guys:

Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm editing the piece properly. As to the subject matter, the short is of course a satire. The main character is as blind morally as he is ethically.

I'm planning to expand the piece, make corrections etc...

Again, your comments are much appreciated and sorry for the bad acid trip gone bad!



RIch
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Warren
Posted: August 5th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Don't have to apologize, I meant that as a compliment.

I though it was extremely funny.


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Simon
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure how Victor functions at all, with such poor memory. Most of your humour was silly. E.g. the thing about riding killer robots on dinosaurs, farting at the last supper, etc. Some of it was so offensive, I'm not sure it could ever be on TV. I thought the bit about Victor making a counteroffer was funny. I wanted more 'normal' humour like that. Maybe the bit about the aliens could be more developed. I didn't think your story was bad, however.



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