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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Sleepwalker
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  Author    Sleepwalker  (currently 337 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2017, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sleepwalker by Oscar Moreno - Short, Horror - A woman tending to her catatonic husband discovers who's responsible for the wounds she keeps waking up with. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marty
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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Oscar,

I think you provided us with a very in depth character in Leah. I cared for her. I felt like I understood her and where she was coming from.

I understood your story and the direction it was going, which is good.

I enjoyed the ending.

My only issues where with the dialogue. It didn't feel as strong as your action. It felt too awkward and pressured.
Example:
Page 1.
LEAH
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I had traveled back in time, to see you when you were a kid. Or something similar. I didn't really understand it.
-I think you are on the right path but I would eliminate extra lines such as, Or something similar.
LEAH
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I had traveled back in time, to see you when you were a kid. I didn't really understand it.

Those are just my opinions.

Overall, good work.

All the best,
Marty
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OscarM
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Marty, thanks again for reading my scripts and for commenting! I really appreciate it!
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