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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Hustle Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 27th, 2018, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hustle by Faithfulness Omehoma - Drama - About a runner Breana Jones. She loves running and she never loses a race, she says running is her ‘Hustle’ and she wants to do every day is run. Her parents always bug her to get a coach or a trainer but she says she does not need anybody to coach her. 183 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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DarkSide546
Posted: September 14th, 2018, 8:47am Report to Moderator
Red


I'm an alien disguised as a squirrel.

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First thing I noticed. Too much information and play by play. You don't have to write everything the character is doing.
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Example:

Currently on the script - BREANA JONES, 21, light skinned, average, a runner with an athletic body, black hair, opens her eyes, she moans and she uses the back of her palm to clean her eyes

She gets up from the bed, stretches her hand above her head, she yawns again, she taps on the MP3 player

How I would do it - BREANA JONES, 21. Athletic body. She leaves the bed and sluggishly walks into the bathroom.
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Another thing I noticed is that English may not be your first language.
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On script currently:

BREANA brushes her teeth for a moment. Shows in the shower with her towel across her chest. She puts on the shower and throws the towel on the screen.
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These lines tell me that English is not your first language (English is not my first language either) so you want to fix the grammar and spelling errors in the script as well.

Some of the description lines are missing the closing punctuation.

There's a lot of dialogue exposition, don't tell, show. If Breana is a runner don't tell us. Show it to us.

If this is a spec script get rid of camera angles and "we" you don't need them in the script.

Keep things that are important to the story. There are a few moments where I read scenes that didn't seem to have anything to do with the plot or even a subplot, so just write things that will move the story along.

As for the story, itself is definitely there but the script is flooded with too much information. Most readers will get bored by this so make sure you write effectively.

That's all, for now, is an okay script with a decent story. It 100% as the potential to be great but is not there yet.
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MatthewG
Posted: September 14th, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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1. Is this a feature length film or some kind of television mini series because 180 pages is insane for a movie. Stanley Kubrick wouldn't even make a movie this long.

2. I can't seem to locate the link to this script. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or you deleted it.
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 14th, 2018, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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The script is available in the original script posting. Just click on Hustle...


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