SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 20th, 2018, 3:39pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Driver Les
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Driver Les  (currently 324 views)
Don
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12561
Posts Per Day
1.93
Driver Les by Larry Postel - Short, Comedy - When their getaway driver leaves them stranded after a bank robbery, two thieves unknowingly hijack a driverless car with a mind of its own. (10 pages) - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 20th, 2018, 3:31pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 2:00am Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4814
Posts Per Day
2.48
Too much talking... these guys wouldn't be talking after a robbery, especially while inside an automated car that could be recording their conversation.

Generally, after something like this, the thieves will be quiet until they get to a safe place where their excitement only then overboils.

I like the idea, it has potential. Just too much expo for me.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
MatthewLincoln
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
40
Posts Per Day
0.03
Larry,

I just read your short film. It was a very interesting concept, the idea that the to robbers have Driver Les, as a partner in crime. The potential is there for a neat twist on the heat away driver story. Cool.

Matthew Lincoln

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
MatthewLincoln
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
40
Posts Per Day
0.03
One more thing,

I can see what the other commenter was saying about exposition. Some could be trimmed, but you are good a writing dialogue, which is a big plus.

Matthew L.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
LC
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Ah, it's funny. They're not too bright the robbers, so they do yack.

The point at which the guys only have a one-hundred dollar note, I think you could have continued to ramp up the tension with Les asking for a smaller note/doesn't give change, the sirens getting closer etc.

I kept thinking something surprising was going to come left of field at the end, but it doesn't. That's my only point of contention - something should happen unexpectedly during the second robbery. It's too easy otherwise.

Nice humour though. I liked it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
LarryP
Posted: September 12th, 2018, 8:44am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey, thanks for the great feedback (as always).  I do have an alternative ending with a good twist, which I'm going to insert and re-post.  Thanks again!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
LC
Posted: September 12th, 2018, 9:17am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Looking forward to reading the updated draft.

Very funny new draft. Great stuff, Larry.  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  October 14th, 2018, 9:44pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
LC
Posted: October 14th, 2018, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Hi Larry. PM'd you.

Need a Bio from you for the review.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
LiamX
Posted: October 16th, 2018, 6:52am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
28
Posts Per Day
0.09
Nice! I did laugh a few times, nice story!

One thing i did think was when robber 2
ROBBER 2
Nice! It'll save us some dough.

havnt they already paid and said keep the change? so it wont be saving them anything. Or is it just caus hes so stuipid?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
Matt
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
81
Posts Per Day
2.35
I really like it, good story idea well told - May be a personal thing  but i would rather they had different names - Dim Robber or Chubby Robber - Something a bit more distinct than robber 1

I was also disappointed in the end, for me it kinda fizzled off and left me feeling unsatisfied

Overall though, great job


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages

Revision History (1 edits)
Matt  -  October 19th, 2018, 3:57pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006