It's a Weird Adolescence by Bryce Smink - Short, Horror, Coming of Age - The weak and timid Anthony Freemont gains extraordinary, god-like powers. But as an awkward teenager, the outlet for these powers leads to chaos and insanity - Not even his High School History Class is safe.

A Twilight Zone inspired short based on "It's a Good Life". - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Damn, Bryce, you just missed the Twilight Zone themed OWC challenge!

Quoted from spesh2k Damn, Bryce, you just missed the Twilight Zone themed OWC challenge!

I know! Just my luck.

Forgot about the deadline, but posted it anyway.

Bryce. What happened!? You done such a great job on Jeremy's Date. This one is full of format and grammar issues!    

I read your title page. - Written by; Two Intoxicated People on a Couch ?

Quoted from BarryJohn Bryce. What happened!? You done such a great job on Jeremy's Date. This one is full of format and grammar issues!     I read your title page. - Written by; Two Intoxicated People on a Couch ?

Yeah, I know it's pretty bad. Sorry about that. I wrote this really fast, trying to make the deadline for the Twilight Zone thing, but turned it in late. I think my rushing caused the script to falter pretty hard. I didn't actually think it would actually be posted, which is weird.  

But hey, my other script "Motion Sickness" was actually meant to be posted. Go check it out.  

Bud, Motion Sickness. Is equally as bad.
I hear you, I too was like you... RUSHING! Slow down. You got talent!! home-it - take your time.

I'm going o share a quote with you:   QUOTE: ...A writer must have hunger. Full stop! You must have a total Hunger!!! A physical and mental hunger. Your soul must be racked with hunger. Your body must cry out for food. Then you create! Then you soar into the sky. Then you touch the magic. Then your soul explodes… Then your words flow like vintage wine staining damask cloth into a dark purple of greatness… Jans Rautenbach, South African.

All the best.

Quoted from BarryJohn Bud, Motion Sickness. Is equally as bad. I hear you, I too was like you... RUSHING! Slow down. You got talent!! home-it - take your time. I'm going o share a quote with you:   QUOTE: ...A writer must have hunger. Full stop! You must have a total Hunger!!! A physical and mental hunger. Your soul must be racked with hunger. Your body must cry out for food. Then you create! Then you soar into the sky. Then you touch the magic. Then your soul explodes� Then your words flow like vintage wine staining damask cloth into a dark purple of greatness� Jans Rautenbach, South African. All the best.

Hmm, not quite sure what you're talking about in regards to "Motion Sickness", the formatting looks fine. The way you described it, I thought I was going to be staring at the equivalent of a Jackson Pollack painting...

He can definitely cut down on the "we sees" and camera directions. And he goes a little haywire with all the asides, italics and underlined stuff in description. But that could just be his writing style -- I've read many professional screenplays that do a lot of the same (I imagine he read some of his favorite scripts and emulated some of it). I would recommend a FADE IN that takes us into the first scene, but again, I've read plenty of great scripts that don't start with a FADE IN. IMO, just needs a bit of a polish and a little more disciplined writing in regards to the camera directions and all the underlined and italics. But I can easily picture everything pretty damn well. I can see how some would find some of it distracting but it didn't bother me too much.

-- Michael

Byrce: I'm not sure what to tell you.

There isn't really a single line/paragraph that I would have written the way you did,  I don't bold characters. I don't use camera directions or CAP dialogue. I don't use a smaller font size to indicate people are whispering, etc. etc.   So - basically I would have written about a page and a half of don't do those.

HOWEVER......

Hmm.

I have to say I enjoyed reading it.  I think I saw everything you wanted me to see and feel everything you wanted me to feel. Put another way, if I was not familiar with traditional screenplay format/style there isn't anything that would have bothered me as a reader - actually - quite the opposite.

So I don't know... Maybe just keep on keeping on.

Or don't.

Look - I think you are really talented with a vivid imagination.  I would only offer this warning - with all the asides, camera directions and other stuff you've added this is a 6 page short that really could be 3 pages. For a short - no gives a shit.  Page count is far less important than the speed of our comprehension and your stuff is comprehended really quickly. But that page count in going to count when you get to features.

Also hate to see you not get in the door some places because of anal retentive gate-keepers looking for any excuse to bin a script (e.g., Camera directions - in the bin, etc.).

Anyway - just diatribe here - but the bottom line for me is that I should have really hated your style based on my preconceptions of script conventions BUT I ended up really, really liking it.  It was enjoyable to read.  hope that makes sense.

Quoted from BarryJohn Bud, Motion Sickness. Is equally as bad. I hear you, I too was like you... RUSHING! Slow down. You got talent!! home-it - take your time. I'm going o share a quote with you:   QUOTE: ...A writer must have hunger. Full stop! You must have a total Hunger!!! A physical and mental hunger. Your soul must be racked with hunger. Your body must cry out for food. Then you create! Then you soar into the sky. Then you touch the magic. Then your soul explodes… Then your words flow like vintage wine staining damask cloth into a dark purple of greatness… Jans Rautenbach, South African. All the best.

Okay. I can understand that. I do think I should slow down a bit. That quote is great btw. Very relatable, comparing the urge to write, to that of hunger. I really like your reviews. I love honesty. I'd actually love to see you do a review on the "Motion Sickness" page. I'm passionate about that script, and I'd do anything to fix it or make it as good as possible.

Quoted from eldave1 Byrce: I'm not sure what to tell you. There isn't really a single line/paragraph that I would have written the way you did,  I don't bold characters. I don't use camera directions or CAP dialogue. I don't use a smaller font size to indicate people are whispering, etc. etc.   So - basically I would have written about a page and a half of don't do those. HOWEVER...... Hmm. I have to say I enjoyed reading it.  I think I saw everything you wanted me to see and feel everything you wanted me to feel. Put another way, if I was not familiar with traditional screenplay format/style there isn't anything that would have bothered me as a reader - actually - quite the opposite. So I don't know... Maybe just keep on keeping on. Or don't. Look - I think you are really talented with a vivid imagination.  I would only offer this warning - with all the asides, camera directions and other stuff you've added this is a 6 page short that really could be 3 pages. For a short - no gives a shit.  Page count is far less important than the speed of our comprehension and your stuff is comprehended really quickly. But that page count in going to count when you get to features. Also hate to see you not get in the door some places because of anal retentive gate-keepers looking for any excuse to bin a script (e.g., Camera directions - in the bin, etc.). Anyway - just diatribe here - but the bottom line for me is that I should have really hated your style based on my preconceptions of script conventions BUT I ended up really, really liking it.  It was enjoyable to read.  hope that makes sense.

Yeah, I get it. I wanted to experiment with this script. I don't think I would write a normal script like this. This is probably the most experimental I get when it comes to writing.

And from some of the other opinions, I should probably stick to a basic kind of formatting.

But I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from BryceS Yeah, I get it. I wanted to experiment with this script. I don't think I would write a normal script like this. This is probably the most experimental I get when it comes to writing. And from some of the other opinions, I should probably stick to a basic kind of formatting. But I'm glad you liked it.

Like I said - it was a breeze to read, So maybe you can start a new trend

All good... Trial and era. It's why you here ~ to learn.
All the best mate.