You have a kernel of a good premise. BUT.... There are tons of typos and grammatical errors - far too many to list - try using Gramerly - it's free. The dialogue is not at all natural. For example, here:
Quoted Text PAULA No, No I'm not. (beat) Do you-- do you know who's doing this? LEWIS Who's doing what? |
Wo's doing what??? The place is being shot up and he's escaped into a restroom - Of course he knows what "what" is. Several places like this where it doesn't make any sense. The ending is rather pointless. Think of something more clever - twisty. |