Assignment by Tobias Moran - Thriller, Religious - A theology school graduate attempts to plant a church in a town inhabited by a demonic cult. - pdf format.

I really hope you all enjoy this one. I'm very proud of it and spent a considerable amount of time making sure it flowed well.

Tobias

Final Draft uploaded 10/28/04

Please let me know what you think of the rewrite.

Thank you!

It's been a while, but I was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to read this and provide feedback for me...Same with my other SS hosted script "Twelve and Twenty", I'm getting ready to send it out to a producer and want to make sure it's up to par. Feedback will most definitely be appreciated and returned.

Thank you!
Tobias

Maybe you should read other people's scripts (a script exchange) rather than just asking for other people to read yours.


Phil

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!











Hi Tobias,
I read the script last night and really enjoyed it. I just had a question about Andy going down into the basement of his rental home: he followed a tunnel that led to a room, then followed another tunnel that led to a church. I haven't re-read that part yet, but my first read-through gave me the impression that Andy was underground the entire time, yet he mentions seeing the moonlight through a window and at the end makes mention of cleaning up the satanic church and turning into a Christian church.

I'm a little confused as to whether the satanic church is in a large subterranean room or if it's a traditional brick-and-mortar structure.

Thanks

Hi Travor, thanks for taking time out to read my script. Glad you enjoyed it!

The church itself is an above ground structure, but catacombs underneath Andy's house lead to it. A tunnel leading from the first underground room leads at an upward angle to another door leading into the church. I do appreciate you presenting that to me - I'll go back and edit it to show that the tunnel leads towards solid ground.

Thanks again!
Tobias

Hi Tobias,

Let me start with the good and then move on to what can be improved.

This  is a great idea of a story.  Though it seems like the typical horror story I see a great political satire with quite a message behind it.  A wonderful reflection on how society is these days and (if that was your intent) I applaud you for it.  The idea of having an individual come into a town to settle their beliefs when their already is one instituted reminds me eerily of this day-and-age.

Now let's move on.

I found the dialogue to be very cheesy and quite forced from all the characters.  Too predictable and somewhat shallow.  With a story where the idea is delved in secrecy, ideas and revelations should be more "in between the line" rather than straight up-front.  

Now I would love to critic your script but I would rather leave that to the pros on this board as I am a director/producer.

So let me shed some light on this if I were to receive this script.  

1.  Great idea and wonderful reflection of society today.
2.  I would prefer to see the setting of this story to be pushed back a couple hundred of years to the time when America was first being settled.  A darker mood can be achieved from this and more credibility as well, because witchcraft/demonic worship taking over entire town would somewhat be more beleivable back then.  Now, the idea of setting up a church for this new town would be very logical back then when religion was so extreme.
3.  The main character would already be a priest and very moral.  He should be the embody the Christian faith and its principles to the dot and not just become one in two years after an accident.  This would intensify its satiric message as well as how geniune he can be.
4.  The demonic cult can now be an entire conspiracy of this town.  The town has to be secluded from most everybody, almost as if they did not want to  be found.  However it was found and now the Church has asked to extend it's hand to them as well.
5.  The dialogue of the characters can now be more cryptic.  People should not be advertising that they have a demonic cult to the main character.  The audience knows but it should not be revealed to them just how serious this cult really is and how deep their roots are.
6.  Continue the story of this priest establishing a church in a town controlled by demonic worshipers.  Try to let the plot unfold just like it would in today's political arena.  People can't be trusted, people have to be fascist, and people have to see only one way; their way.  Have the main character go through many hardships, horrors of certain discoveries and this I would leave to your imagination.
7.  The end.  The main character must fail in his attempt and understand that him intruding on this town is not his business no matter how immoral and unethical things may be done.  It is not his choice to choose what others believe.

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OK.  I understand that to follow all that I have suggested would drastically change the script on the surface, but it's core would be the same.  If you do go on to follow my idea, you will have a great horror story with a powerfully modern message. And please, send me a copy of the script if you do decide to change it because I would be very interested in it.

Tobias, are you still around?  I tried to E-mail you and it bounced back.  I have written coverage for your script that you may find useful and would like to send it to you.  Thanks.

I've actually read this script twice. The premise is good and it had an easy flow, but I think the malevolent activity should be subtle at first, building in crescendo towards the end. Maybe making him receive death threats and Satanic Paraphenalia being left in his room causes him to take refuge in the church he's attempting to open.
I think he should also make an ally, someone who wants desperately out of the cult and that he needs to protect. I like how the script is pro Christian! I think you did a good job.

Jerry