Desideratum by Randy Robinson (bare nerve) - Short, Drama - The story of an abused husband who wishes his wife dead. - pdf, format

I would really appreciate any feedback on this script.

Thanks in advance!

It's kind of late here, but this does look interesting.  I'll give it a read tomorrow and post some comments.

Mike.

Great. I look forward to your feedback.

I like the whole concept, pretty dark.  It was a quick read, but it was kind of boring in the sense that nothing happened, only in his head.  I didn't really feel for Richard because I didn't know much about him.

This is more of a story of what if and a story that pretty much takes place in Richards head, not a bad thing, but it'd be hard to film.  I like to see actual things happen and not just have someone talk about them the whole time.

I do however like the whole idea and the different possibilities that Richard thinks of.  Maybe a little more interaction between the two instead of so many voice overs would help.

The formatting was good and the grammer and spelling was good for the most part, there are a few spelling mistakes that I saw.

Overall a pretty nice short that poses many questions and gives no real answers.  Be kind of hard to film, but that might not be the point here.  Good job overall though.

Mike.

Yeah, I look forward to seeing it in "Revenant".

Thanks for the feedback.

By the way, Revenant is a different film. It will be feature length. This short will be part of an anthology (maybe) that is currently untitled.

I really liked the whole concept - especially the way the woman comes across initially as a complete monster, but then you realise that she is hurting and his desire to kill her is partly to put her out of her misery. I don't think it matters that this all takes place inside his head, but in my opinion there was far too much 'narration', at times it read like short story rather than a film. Do you really need to have him say all the different deaths he has thought of as well as showing them? Could you flashback to what happened to their son rather than have him tell us about it? I reckon this could work equally well without any, or just minimal, narration.

I noticed a couple of typos as I read through, nothing major but you might want to just proofread it again.

Showing what happened to the son instead of just having him tell us is a good idea. I will see what I can do with that. I will also take into consideration the other things you said Shonagh.

Thanks!

Anyone else have any feedback?

Once I get microsoft word back I will read it.

It's a good script. If I made this into a film, there would be some amazing camera angles in this. There is to much narration. I would have some more interaction between the wife and Richard. What would be really cool is that you don't have Richard tell the audience how the son died. But show us. It would make the scene more powerfull. The dialouge kinda needs to be revised a few more times to really get inside the character. I'll give you some advise. If you direct the script, it will help you understand some of the feelings inside these characters. I would like to see the point of view of the wife. Like what does she really think of Richard. You had a great idea of getting inside of Richards head but don't do it to much. I would show some of the goodtimes that these two had together. But anyway, it's a good script and I like the idea. Keep up the good work.

Originally, we werent planning to film this but evetually we decided that it would be a good idea if we did. There are so many thing we could do with the script.

Also, I am currently working on another draft. I am trying to take out some of the narration, show more interaction between the two characters and deal more with the son. I also want the audience to feel a little more sympothy for Mel (the wife) although not to much because I dont want Richard to look like a complete monster, ya know. I'm not sure when the new draft will be available because I am busy with other projects.

I have also been thinking of a follow up to the story but from the wife's point of view. I havent started writting it though because I am currently busy with Revenant and Tocsin.

And I look forward to your feedback, Wesley. I hope all gets better with you comp.

So here's a few things I thought while I was reading, strictly as a reader.

Possible Spoilers..........
















What's with numbering the scene headings? I've seen it done in shooting drafts but that's not what this is. There are a couple spelling errors that spellcheck should find, I dont have spellcheck cause i dont have word right now.

You have an interior of various parts of the house, why not just use the parts of the house?

In her eyes I am merely a live in beast of burden - This line to me anyway doesn't read, it's to much. It just doesn't flow well when I think about it.

She refers to herself as sick, is she? How can he be a pervert by going into the washroom with his WIFE, maybe you made the girl Mel a little to much of an alcoholic haha

That's really all that I could find wrong with the story, other than that it was solid.

Again I'm brought back to the fact that writing shorts are a waste of talent, you should take your shorts and place them in a larger script than at least people can get a more clear view.

It wasn't bad but like all short scripts it lacks real substance, I enjoyed it and was entertained for the 10 minutes or so it took to read but I'm left with the empty feeling that comes along with shorts. When you read a feature by the end you feel fulfilled even if it's bad but shorts don't do that for me anyway.

With that said keep up the good work, it had the weird feeling about it and I could picture most of what happened as something that could happen and the dialogue was good for the picture and the mood was also good.

Thanks for the feedback, Wesley.

I am a terrible speller. I know this - lol. But sometimes spell check doesn't get everything, I guess. But, hey, I do better than most.

I imagined that when she refered to herself being sick, she was only trying to make him feel worse. It seems as though she hates him but she cant live with out him.

The reason she calls him a pervert when he comes in the bathroom on her is because that is where their relationship is at the point. Just like she doesnt even want him in their bedroom. I think that her saying that works fine, but I will play with it and see if something better comes out.

But, anyhow, thanks for all the feedback, Wesley. It's appreciated.