Believe :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Overall verdict: The plot-holes are numerous, and the execution is rather poor, but the basic plot is pretty good - at least compared to most slashers. All in all I give it 1.5/5

Detailed critique:

1) The general rule is "show, don't tell". Unlike a book, a screenplay can't deliver a statement directly. It has to show it through action, dialogue, or (occasionally) Voice-over. You do WAY too much telling:

Quoted Text

The Masterson’s were their friendly neighbors, GEORGE and ANNETTE. They had a Christmas party every year and would always invite Edith and Harold over to exchange gifts and share a couple drinks with one another.

Harold wasn’t too fond of going over this year because it was going to be nothing, but George and Annette’s family and friends. It would be people they didn’t know.

Although, Harold didn’t seem to be pleased, Edith couldn’t wait to get inside and start the party.

And that's right at the beginning. I, the reader, understand you, but a viewer won't be introduced to that information. So it makes it hard for me to judge, since the filmed version will be harder to understand.

2) NEVER USE THE PAST TENSE. Any descriptions, actions, etc. should be written in the present tense. The past tense here drives me crazy, as I have to translate it to the present. Once again unlike a book, a film concentrates on the now.

3) You don't need "CUT TO:" between scenes.

4) The flashbacks are redundant. Either you can show Jason as he's saying it, or you should eliminate the scenes at the beginning. Alternatively, you can show snippets of the flashbacks. For instance, in the second retelling of the story you can have a momentary flashback to show Edith's face being slammed into the mirror, or somthing like that. But showing the whole thing twice or three times is annoying and dull.

5) Page 19: People on phones is V.O, not O.S. For O.S they're present at the scene just, off-camera. V.O is whenever the voice is recorded seperately and then played over the scene. And you don't need a parenthetical "into the phone" with each line of dialogue. The reader'll understand.

6) This needs a fair amount of proof-reading. One of the worst examples, from page 30:

Quoted Text

Glass shatters are fall from the sky.

7) Page 38:

Quoted Text

The door slams shut behind her. She turns to the door and tries tugging on the knob.
{...}
A loud thump occurs upstairs.

There is no logical explanation for the door locking behind her.

8) The ending lines are the worst form of writing. You create suspense and a question, but do so in a way that exists only for the reader, not the viewer. Are the lines one-screen text? If yes, say so. If not, you need another way of showing them.

9) I have no specific examples, but in general the dialogue feels flat and explository. Try using more "hints" (use more pronouns, and don't be explicit. Instead of saying "I'll go. It sounds pretty cool to me.", you should write something more like "sure". People rarely go step-by-step each time they speak).

10) Just noticed this: You have no title page...

SPOILERS:

Why'd they wait 10 years?

The fact that Harold was the killer was pretty obvious from the start (the Urban Legend notes that no-one knows what happened to him), and his son's involvement was also guessable.

Marley not telling Jason about the weird happenings sems relatively motive-less to me. They were all equally effected by Rae's death (though none very strongly; see below), and the viewer was given no explanation why Jason was worsely affected.

The characters' reactions to the deaths are way too under-shown. If you have a friend die suddenly, you stay in your house for weeks.

The viewer would recognize the keeper in the graveyard scene, which would ruin the surprise later.

I apologize for being relatively harsh with this criticism, but in its current state the film is quite poor. That said, like nearly all films with proper work it could be pretty good (though I myself will rarely give a teenage slasher film too many stars unless it's really original). I recommend working on your dialogue, and figuring out how to make scenes suspenseful (watching/reading non-Friday the Thirteenth slasher movies should help you there).

PS. The length makes no sense. 20 pages or so makes a short, 120 makes a feature. I don't know what you can do with 70 pages.

PPS. I don't understand the title at all. What's that about?