Malevolent by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Horror, Thriller, Slasher - A crazed mass murderer puts a family through a night of terror as police desperatly hunt for him in a shocked small town. 103 pages - pdf, format


Malevolent II - The Insane Asylum by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Horror, Thriller, Slasher - A group of amatuer ghost hunters are invited to spend the night at the soon to be condemned Candleclose asylum, unaware that a psycopathic killer is using the premises as a hiding place. 102 pages - pdf, format

Malevolent III - Voices Of Rain by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Horror, Thriller, Slasher - An abused thirteen year old boy runs away from home and learns how to fend for himself in a sleazy crime ridden city, returning home for revenge nine years later. 115 pages - pdf, format

Thank you Don for posting this script.


And I bodged the sypnosis a little. Kristy is concerened about her friend named KATIE.

It is a mistake on the sypnosis only, not on the actual script.

We'll I've read most of your screenplay so far and I have to say I am greatly entertained. I've read everything you've written so far and I think this is the best. Although I'm only about halfway through it. I will finish the rest up in a couple of hours and give you my full review when I'm done.

I just started reading this, I'll try and give you input as I go, that way I remember it all. First I'll start off by saying, I loved the opening. Very well written, very suspenseful. I honestly didn't think the demise of the victim wouldn't have happened so fast, unexpected is always good.

There's a minor mistake within the script, but I won't be pointing anything other than this out, because I hate picking out the mistakes people make. It happens to everyone. You say that it's 9:13 early on in the film, but when we meet the reporter she claims that the bodies were found an hour ago at 6 PM. Nothing major, however.

The dialogue between Sandra and James is kind of stiff. I tried reading it to myself, and it doesn't flow right. Again, it's only about eight lines of dialogue, so if you do another draft, keep that in mind.

Don't know if the Mandell's are an homage to that elderly couple in Halloween II, but I didn't like the scene in Halloween II, nor did I like it here. Something about elders and death doesn't rub me the right way, very disturbing. Also, I loved the "text message pun", clever.

I'm liking the cell phone angle youy have going on, in a film I'm in the midst of doing right now, a single cell phone plays a pretty big role. The killer pranks a couple friends, finds out where someone is by calling their cell phone, and inevitably even causes someone to die. They can have a great angle in horror films, and I'm liking the text message thing. You never really know who's reading the message you send out, do you?

You create suspense like it just comes naturally to you, it flows through so well. Never a bad thing. When we first meet Ben, the suspense with Kristy in this huge house, alone, literally scared me. The house I live in, is rather eerie at night as well. I can understand hearing noises, not knowing where they come from, and trying to stay as calm as possible. I'll hear a noise all the way on the third floor, and wonder (me being my paranoid self) if someone's just entered my house. This being the reason I love alarm systems.

I'm off to work now, so I can't finish the script just yet, but I will once I return home. So far, so good. Look forward to reading more.

Hi,

Thanks for reading and I thank you for your comments!

Cheer Chism, glad you enjoyed it and although I dont think this is my best, Im happy you liked it.

Adam, I would love to hear how many mistakes I made. Thats the only way I can get better, but thank you for reading.
Im pleased you liked the start, it kind of sets the scene that the muders have happned and the chase begins,
The mistake in the time is crucial, and if I've missed that, then that is a big mistake that I will correct, thanks for pointing this out.

Dialouge throuout this is probably not great, it is my weak point and I will work on improving this.

The Mandells murder scene was partly a homage to Halloween 2.  It was also to establish this guy does not care about anyone, regardless of age, to make sure he is to be hated by the audience.

I dont know if I managed to do the phone thing correctly. Im sure there is a certain way of writing this, but I just went with what looked best.

Glad I made you a little on edge, thanks for saying that. Thats made me feel like writing this thing was worth it.

I dont think this is my best, but Im delighted with what you have said so all I can say is thanks for reading and Im glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Scoob:

I was waiting until I had a block of time to read this in a single sitting.  I like to do that for features, and you like the “read as you go” comments anyway, right?  Having followed the evolution of this story in your “work in progress” thread, I thought I had a fairly good idea of what to expect from this story, but it seems to have changed a great deal from the way you initially conceived it.

It starts off with a very nice opening that really grabs the reader.  My initial (2) comments will address this scene specifically:

(Lots of spoilers here.  Really, this will spoil things…)

*  Opening scene:  You have several “Katie’s POV” slugs, but then follow them with descriptions of Katie.  POV shots are used very sparingly -- only when nothing else will do -- and then, only for what that character is actually looking at.  When you write something like, “Katie’s POV” followed by “…she remains in fear, tears rolling down her face…” it doesn’t make any sense.  Consider using “BENEATH THE BED”, or simply “KATIE”, as your slug line for these transitory scenes.  You can always state something like, “she watches feet go by the bed”, suggesting a POV to the reader.
*  Opening scene, again:  While I generally don’t like mobile phones as a “device” for stories, I really like the way you had him calling the bodies of the corpses, with their phones ringing. That one is new to me, but my concern is that all this dialing would play out too long on the screen.  Make this a series of “quick cuts”:  The killer picks “Mom”:  Her body with phone ringing:  The killer picks “dad”:  etc.  You can cover the same (effective) ground in only a few seconds this way.
*  Old people might have bugged a previous poster, but it doesn’t really bug me.  I am not discounting his opinion, and can see his point.  I am just saying it doesn’t bug me a lot.
*  You describe the Westlake Living Room pretty thoroughly.  Perhaps a bit too much.
*  Ben & Kristy’s conversation might go on a bit too long, but I loved her third message.
*  Beth is “shocked into paralysis”?  My instincts tell me she would be hauling A**, man.
*  Are you a Brit, or something other than American?  Weird or unfamiliar phrases will sometimes tip me off to this.  For an American reader, you would call it a “stove”, not an “electric cooker”.  And the “ring” that heats up would be called a “burner.”  Each of these appears about five times over the course of a few pages.
*  I don’t like spitting.  I find it cliché.  That’s just me, and I’m just saying.
*  I am near the climax, and Detective Risco has arrived.  It occurs to me now that you definitely (really, definitely) need to stop calling him Detective Risco every single time he appears in the description.  Looking back now, you do this throughout.  Just call him “Risco.”  It’s a good name.  Same thing goes for Owlson.  Lose the “OFFICER” after you have introduced him.  
*  At the end of the bathroom scene, with Risco and the Man in Black, the MIB walks out of the room, not into the room.
*  “Two police men are hammering at the door with a DOOR BUSTER. (probably buy them from any kids store).”  Copied this verbatim.  What?  This line has got to go, or at least, be clarified.

And the conclusion of this tale (I will once more remind the casual reader of spoilers):  For me, this one ended a bit like “High Tension”, a good recent slasher, where the twist was that one of our characters was, in fact…not quite right.  I’ll bet you’ve seen that film (if not, do so, as you will like it), but “High Tension” also caught a lot of criticism because this final revelation…well…it introduced a lot of holes.  Now, I have only read this once, but I think your story might have similar holes.  The kind where you say, “Now wait a minute…how much of this could have actually occurred?”

Now maybe you have it all figured out, and when I have thought about it some more, maybe I will agree with you.  But, at the same time, you are the one who knows the nitty-gritty here, so I would encourage you to make sure all the “holes” are filled, as this might be difficult given the type of story you have chosen.  For a short, no problem.  But for a feature, there is a lot more to keep track of.  And there is always (always) somebody to call you on it, you know?

I definitely feel what you are going for here, and you deliver the story tightly, too -- it moves quickly.  I like that.  And I definitely didn’t see it coming.  I’ll give you that as a positive thing, too.  Aside from my comments above, I guess my main advice is to make sure it all “works” in the end -- and I mean legally, too, no tricks.  That you didn’t leave any gaps in this story that can’t be filled.  It’s a story I need to think about later.  Nice work, Scoob.    

Alright here goes...

1st -- This is so minor and it might come as a shock to hear this from "me" of all people but this had a lot of cussing in it. Like a lot a lot. LOL!  I would think about taking out some of the F's and such and replacing them with something else... This alone might garner you an x rating... LOL!

It's really no big deal, though, not really. I just noticed that every few seconds it seemed I was saying another cuss word or something of that nature.

I love your intro. It's very good. It drags a bit, though, but the tension is there and it mounts and mounts. All that is brilliant! You really nailed this in your script.

I think the cell phone calling was new and innovative and it was something that really made the scene stand out. I give you much respect on that twist.

I started to get a "Scream" vibe a few times through out the script... but it was to be expected I guess. Nothing to change or be worried about, cause actually... in all honesty it was better than "Scream" actually.

I feel Sandra's dialouge was rushed a bit. It was very hard to flow out of my mouth.

Jack was a good character. Really good dialouge and development on this one.

You really weave an interesting tale. You really do. I was tempted to not take a break away from this one a lot of times. It was basic sometimes, but it didn't really matter cause I always knew there was gonna be something going on in a few pages that'd make me wanna see it through and you did this so well... Even up to the Ending, which... wasn't over the top out of this world, but did work.

I liked how you had Jack come through in the end and not the Kristy and then you really screwed it all around when "SPOILER" Kristy is in the room at the end with the straitjacket on.

I enjoyed this script. It took me awhile to read it but in the end it was worth it. I'm writing a slasher at the moment too, so this was actully a gift for me to read and learn from a little more. I thank you for posting this one, really.

It had some roug spots. I thought some of the characters could use a little stamping out as they were kinda cookie cutterish. Sandra for one. All in all, though,  a fine read and a welcome addition to the slasher section in horror.

Good friggin' Job, man!

Scoob,

I am very impressed with this one. I like it a lot due to the fact you didn't overload us with teenagers assuming their was a killer among them while going into dark corners and butchering themselves.

This is a simple and effective horror script with excellent violence and tension at its highest. One thing I really found interesting was that you told the story in one night, getting all the important factors in. I prefer this than reading a slasher that expands for days/weeks.  

Like everyone else, I found the opening to be a grabber and it quickly drew me into the story. The tension with Kristy and being alone was also a great creepy sequence. But, my favorite scene that was the most tension-building for me was when Ben was trying to "latch" the basement door. Good stuff.

Some of the dialogue is rather...well, blah. Some of it just doesn't run smoothly. No biggy though. As for the ending, huh...it does create some plotholes, but the way you built up to the ending made me look beyond that(I am a person who completely looks past plotholes and such).

Overall, very good and entertaining throughout. Good luck with future works.

-ONEY

Hey! Thanks guys for the reviews!

Bert, thanks for reading this and Im grateful you took the time to read this all in one go.
Thanks for pointing out the use of the POV. I can see I used it a bit too much so thanks for suggesting how to alter this around. I will get set on sorting this out.
Same with the phone situation. I was afraid this part might drag so thanks again for giving me another way of shortening this scene.
The part where Beth remains still (or in paralysis as I put it!) is something I guess probably needs work. But at the same time, some people might freeze or collapse in that situation. Unlikely though, so I might have to alter this. Thanks for you're thoughts on this part though.
I am English so there might be a couple of words used differently, such as the cooker.
Cheers for the way on how to keep the characters names short. I felt writing DETECTIVE RISCO might really become annoying, it annoyed me, but I left it in as I wasnt sure if I could shorten it once I had first introduced it.
Damn! It seems I forgot to take that bit out regarding the DOOR BUSTER! I will sort that out.

The ending, well, I did plan on using a mental hospital in this somewhere! It's a slasher so I guess its tradition lol. Seriously, it was an after thought more then anything else and maybe I shouldnt have added it and left it simple. If anything, the thought was that maybe somewhere along the line Risco was responsible for this mad guy. The fact Kristy is inside is the fact she couldnt take it what had happened to her and her family and had cracked up.  Just so it ended on a high note lol.

Bert, thanks for reading and taking the time to review it. I really appreciate your comments and will set about correcting the mistakes pointed out to me.

Balt, also a big thank you for reading this and taking the time to do so.
Damn. I really , honestly, thought I didnt have that much cussing in this. But, I guess I must have for it to make an impression so I will take a look through and see what I can fix.
Glad you like the phone set up. I really did not want this to be another Scream although it was kind of obvious it would be compared to it if I took it any further.
Thanks for enjoying it too lol. I knew this was going to be basic as basic can get, but I tried to keep it interesting and somewhat fresh. I was toying with making the ending something over the top, but in the end I thought it would ruin it and kept things as they had been throughout, basic.

Thanks for reading Balt and your review has helped me to go through this script again and change a few bits here and there.
Good luck with your slasher too! I will look forward to reading it as I will 'AM I FACELESS', which Im about to read shortly.

Thanks Oness for reading and for your review!

Im obviously pleased you liked it.
The whole reason I ended up doing this was mainly becasue I thought I could write a decent slasher and in the beginning I did plan on using a bunch of teens stuck in a house with this loon going after them. But then how many times has that been done and what would be the point in me just making an addition to that pile? So whilst this is nothing particularly original, I think it is a little fresher then some slashers so I appreciate you enjoying this.

Im really pleased you enjoyed the tension and the basement locking scene in particular.

Dialouge is pretty woeful I have to admit and it's something Im trying to get to grips with. Maybe on the next draft, this will improve.
There is no backstory, but the ending hints at there being one I guess. Maybe I should remove some of the final scenes or alter them so I can finish this off with a simple and clear cut ending.

Thanks Oness for reading and for taking the time. It really is appreciated.

Thanks Don for posting the latest draft.

There have only been minimal changes so far, mainly taking out the POV shots and changing a bit of dialouge here and there.
The ending is only slightly altered with some added dialouge which I hope clears up the finale.

I opened this up to take a quick peek at the beginning and the end.

The beginning is improved, and reads much cleaner without so many camera directions.  You can often "suggest" the shots you want --  "She watches as the boots trudge past, inches from her nose" -- and hopefully, a P.O.V. springs to mind automatically, without explicitly directing the camera.  This has been a tough habit for me to break, too, actually.

And I still feel kind of silly that I got the ending so wrong  

I don't know what I was thinking.  I mean, nobody else seemed to be confused by it.  But yeah, it is clearer now what is going on -- and what isn't going on -- with her character.

Cheers Bert,

I thank you for pointing out the POV thing to me, once you mentioned it and I looked over it again I could see there was no real point in it.
I think I might have done that before in SOTD so I might take another look over that one again.

As for the ending, its up to me to write it clear enough so you can understand. When I read it again I could see how you came to the conclusion you did, Bert.
Hopefully it is now rectified a little, but dont feel silly at all for thinking what you did.

I might make changes to this script in the future but as it is now, Im reasonably happy with it.

Thanks for your view Bert

Oh and thanks to everyone that reviewed this, your input meant a great deal and helped me to fix some things.  Much appreciated.

Hi - posting a little late on this one.  Anyway, I read it and thought it was very good.  It was a 'crisp' read, nice and quick with good dialogue.  A couple of suggestions:

-I thought you could've done without the whole reporter part of the script.  You know, the news witch who loves ratings.  Yeah, it's a commentary on the ratings thirsty media, but it didn't really work for me.

-I didn't care for the part with the old, weird woman that the two officers come in contact with.  Yeah, she's eccentric, but who cares?  She seemed extraneous.

Aside from that, I think it was a great effort.

Hi,
Thanks for reading and dropping by a review, much appreciated

Although the news reporter is much an irritation, she does inform the reader/viewer where we are and what is going on so I think the initial TV broadcast was pretty important.

The weird woman part was basically a little break from the horror and a small comic relief without being comedy if you know what i mean lol. Plus to answer why the neighbours had not called round themselves, its obvious this woman is not completly all there.

Thanks for reading this, and Im glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers