Legend Of Whispering Willows, The by Delno Ebie - Thriller - Samantha Wilson inherits Willows Manor only to find the spirit of Dakota Willows trapped within its walls, imprisoned for over a century by an Osage tribal Shaman. She soon discovers that Dakota is not the only spirit residing there when she encounters the Soul Taker--a half witch, half vampire Native American spirit that will stop at nothing until it has claimed possession of their souls. Samantha enlists the help of her best friend, Rachel and a Native American shaman, who calls upon the spirits of the old ones to help relinquish Willows Manor of the Soul Taker and free Dakota and Samantha from its bitter grasp. - pdf, format

I hope whoever reads my script enjoys it. I'm open to comments and constructive critque, so don't be shy. Thanks to all who take the time to do so.

This one sounds kind of cool to me -- a horror story that doesn't involve a maniac with a butcher knife.  This one sounds alot like "Shimmer", in the Horror section -- that is a pretty good story that kind of falls apart in the third act.  You might want to take a look.  I'll comment on this one as I go (comments will include spoilers, I am sure):

*  The opening with the wolf is kind of cool.  But I am confused about all the places this wolf visits.  So the indians, and the graveyard, and the house -- they are all, like, right next to each other?
*  Pg 10:  "Samantha's on-again, off-again boyfriend..."  This is one of those details you have to establish through actions.  You can't show it on the screen, so it doesn't belong in your script.  But you pretty much establish their stormy relationship here anyway, so just lose that line.  It works fine without it.
*  It seems odd that her mother would have never mentioned the house.  Is there some reason that she must be unaware of this property?  Unless this detail is important later, you are straining the credibility of the story a bit here.
*  When Rachel says you could use the medallion "to confine an unruly spirit", this might be too much information too early.  I suspect I already know a critical detail regarding the climax of this story. (Added later:  Yep.  I did.)
*  Pg 38:  You never give mouth-to-mouth to someone who is still breathing.  Rachel needs to be unconscious, or Matt needs to do something else to show concern.
*  Pg 41:  I don't believe they would just fall asleep, and they don't need to be, either.
*  The details of the ghostly saloon, filling in a little at a time, could look very nice.
*  Pg 52 - 60:  I realize you are delivering important information during this scene, but it really seemed to drag for me here, going on and on and on.  Maybe it's just me, but I think it could use a trim here somewhere.
*  I didn't notice it until page 82, but looking back, it is also on page 8.  Hadius means "idle" threats, not "idol" threats.  And perhaps (maybe) you are repeating yourself a little too much on pages 81-83.  Not sure, though -- just a feeling.  But I really like where this scene goes when you continue with it this time.
*  Pg 100:  Hey, why is everybody jumping out of the circle all of a sudden?  That seems kind of dumb.
*  Nice, visual climax.  Would probably look great.

And we have a happy ending.  I think those are undervalued.  It seems every thriller these days wants to leave people scratching their heads wondering WTF just happened.  Kind of a rip-off if you ask me.  I prefer a "real" ending, and I think most people do, too.  So, for me, your story ends well.

The piece feels somewhat researched -- I am no indian expert, but none of the details struck me as being patently false.  I might second-guess having the grandmother character called "GRANDMA".  It's almost as bad as a character named "GRAMPS".  She is an indian -- so give her a cool indian name, you know?

So now I am wondering if Delno is an indian name.  Is it?  Anyways, you have done a nice job with this one.  You have told a nice story, and told it well.  I hope some of these comments help you out.

Hey Bert,
  Thank you for taking the time to be so detailed in your critique. I appreciate you taking the time. You brought out a lot of good points. I went back and applied many of you suggestions and I think end result is tighter. I am however going to keep the Grandma character's name as is. As for my name origin--Delno is an old family name. I don't believe it's indian. I am however 1/3 native American. Deleware and Ojibiwa.

Thanks again.

Delno