Two Trailer Park Girls On A Saturday Afternoon by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Gothic Horror - Two girls take a dog to a dog run. Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - rtf, format

I think I know the author of this one, too.  I really liked this one, but had somebody just given me this story to read, I am not sure I would have classified this as a horror.

(SPOILERS)

*  It was very easy to read this.  Quick, efficient descriptions for the most part, and the type of format I am used to looking at.  The pages went by very quickly.
*  These girls -- how they talked and behaved -- rang very true to me.  I mean, I think I know these girls.  Or girls like them.  I will be very surprised if it turns out that a guy wrote this.
*  I loved how they handled their problem with the dog.  Just great.  I didn't see it coming, but once it came, I couldn't see the story proceeding any other way.  Perfect logic, perfect execution.

There was a lot of humor in this story that worked very well.  And outside of comedy, I think humor is most at home in a good horror story.  But horror needs some scares, too.  This story had a fair bit of tension, and while it was well-told, I think the horror aspects could still be amped up a bit.

SPOILERS..?

This was fun, and, as noted above, the main characters seem very real.  However, I also agree with Bert in that the horror part of the story could use a little more emphasis.  The tension with the dog is great, and I really liked how the whole thing was played out.

However, Chuck's attack at the end could have been built up a bit more.  Come to think of it, Chuck as a whole could have been built up more.  We go from "that guy kinda creeps me out" to "how 'bout I cut out your eyes" pretty quickly.  There's one shot of his hand brushing the bushes back, but I think there could have been a little more tension there.

I really like the sequence with the dog chasing everyone.  Put together very well, and described very well too.  I liked the description overall, very personable, although I felt it got a bit too wordy from time to time...perhaps a bit more description than was necessary.

But yeah, an enjoyable read!  Good fun.  

This was a fun read. Not out and out horror but a good story nonetheless.

Descriptions are great albeit a little wordy in places. Nothing that can't be easily tightened up in a rewrite. The opening description is fantastic. I also liked the way you built up tension with the german shepherd. The action was well described, I could see everything in my head.

It's the characters that make this piece. The girls really came to life through their dialogue (and singing). I would've liked to see more of the Chuck character before it all kicked off, something more to justify his behavior.

Great pay-off. 'I told you this is some good shit' haha.

Overall, a good script but it would've been nice to see these characters in a more 'horrifying' environment if you know what I mean. The horror element kind of came and went. Perhaps you could have a little prologue to foreshadow the horror and show Chuck in action. Just a thought.

I just wanted to say thank you to those who read this script.
I've been working on a rewrite. I took advise from the replies and made it scarier. I  added more about Chuck and Debbie's relationship, and showed what he was doing inside the trailer right before the attack.
I think I'll make this one into a feature. Have Chuck get bonded out of jail and seek revenge on the trailer park girls.
Thanks again,
This was such great fun.  

This is the next one I'm reading, Cindy.  Sorry for taking so long.


Phil

Thanks Phil.

I enjoyed the story, Cindy, though I really don't see the gothic horror elements in it.  It's more of a dramatic piece.  The interaction between Diane and Sherry flowed very well and  was very natural.

Would a dog get high so easily?

I can see Diane and Sherry part of a bigger story.  Perhaps a story about their friendship and how living in the trailer park affects them.


Phil

Hey Phil,
Thanks for reading this. I guess the "gothic horror" threw me for a loop. I hadn't heard of this before. I had it in my mind as something scary that happened at a dog run. Oh well.
I am planning on making this one into a feature after I get to feeling better. Got the darned flu, so I haven't been doing much of nothing.
In the feature I'm going to have Chuck get bonded out of jail and seek revenge on the girls.
I've already done a rewrite on the beginning. Showed more about Chuck's personality, and showed what he was doing inside the trailer before Robin went inside.
I got  this idea about the attack from something that really happened around here.
A girl kicked her boyfriend out of her trailer. He got upset about being kicked out. He was a real psycho. He broke in when she wasn't home and waited for her with an ax. When the girl came home with one of her friends, she stopped to talk to a neighbor, and her friend went inside. The guy hit the girl in her head with the ax thinking it was his girlfriend, then drug her body across the floor, and hid her under the kitchen sink.
He's dead now. Cops shot him during a confrontation miles away.
Anyway, maybe this one could be a thriller when I'm done with it.

Hi Cindy,

This one was pretty good, not really a horror story, but I think it worked well as a drama, plus it had a few laughs as well.  I liked the Eminem song you have the girls sing

                                         SHERRY(OS)
                                       Run Diane! Run!

                           ---------Run Forrest! Run!

Sorry, I couldn't help myself

I think you wrote these characters very well, in fact I would say that is the strongest part of this script, they all felt real and had their own voice.

I tried getting my dog high once, it didn't work, at least I don't think it did.

Then the story kinda turned into Cujo, well kinda not really...LOL, but I still liked it.

anyways nice work

Wow, another old one floated up from the depths...

This one was fun to write. I knew the characters, just put them into a strange situation and went from there.

Dogs gettin' high...
Well, I know it helps if they have arthritis...
Anyway...

Thanks for giving this one a read.

Cindy