The Payphone Chronicles by Andrew Roby - Short, Comedy - Jack is not a man you wanna talk to on the phone. 3 pages - doc, format 8)

Andrew, I got the impression that you wrote this just to shock us.  That's the only thing I could say about this.


Phil

Actually, it was only meant to get a laugh at the end. Sorry if it did not make you laugh.

Andrew,

As I was reading this I kept thinking of another movie, "Just One Of The Guys" to be exact, when her brother answers the phone and says...


COULD BE A SPOILER I SUPPOSE

"Hey yo, scumbag"  "Yeah, suck your own"  "Same to you buttface".

He hangs up the phone, looks at his sister, and says "Mom says hi", as he walks out of the room.


END POSSIBLE SPOILER

This was kind of the feeling I got from this, although amplified a little more on the dirty side.  

Hm, that was weird. I'll give you that the end was a bit of a punchline, and I did chuckle. But dude, you kiss your momma with that mouth?

You call this a "chronicles." Does this mean we get graced with more tales of that payphone in the future? Might be amusing, actually.

All I can say is LOL.

Bravo.

Not everyones taste but I love it.

Totally unexpected.

Hahaha, it felt more than the dirty kind of joke I usually hear from my friends than a comedy short, but yeah I admit I chuckled during some bits.  :)

Pretty potent stuff, Andrew.
I think I met that guy, Jack Meoff, right?

* SPOILER *

I didn't see mom coming at the end.
Haha.  I didn't see her come at all.  I wasn't one of the 7.
I had to laugh.

*End of Spoiler*

I think you could have done more with the kid.
Maybe he's trying to get into the phone booth to retrieve his
skateboard or something.

Man, I've got a warped sense of humor.

It was almost a drag having to read through all of the stuff Jack was saying. But that punch at the end made it worthwhile.
Now I hope you don't talk to your elders that way....

Haha. I'm glad you all liked this little number.

I did have a small smile at the end of this one. Good job...I guess,  :-/

I thought I was the only one who talked to their mother like that  :o

Um...YIKES is probably the word.  If it was an exercise then you performed admirably.  If this was a serious attempt at anything with substance then you failed horribly.  I'm hoping it was the first.  

What can I say?  Good job?  I don't know how to critique this.  The punchline didn't get me because I figured he was talking to his mother.

The cursing, well, I can tell you do it well.  If you can only hide it a little bit more that it may not be his mother then I guess you can kill it a winner.

Actually, it would be better if it was his grandmother.  No one, I mean, NO ONE would talk to their grandmother like that so that would be even funnier.

Quoted from leanordjenkis Actually, it would be better if it was his grandmother.  No one, I mean, NO ONE would talk to their grandmother like that .

um, I do :P

The language is just preposterous. This is a tired old joke (as Mike pointed out) and it was only ever mildly amusing at best. The language is a very transparent attempt to go to an extreme to put a new spin on this very tired and worn cliché of a joke.

It didn’t make sense to me that a child would run away crying just because some punk had a foul mouth. The guy wasn’t shocking. He was just pathetic.

Sorry. I wish I could be more positive but this is pointless.

Andrew

I too was appalled all the way to the end... then I found myself laughing my ass off. Good job. Writing with a raw emotion can be abrasive and get people talking.. then who knows it may propel you to new hights, like maybe the top of your phone booth.

I am looking forward to more chronicles. Maybe one where he is talking to the suidice prevention line... then  he suddenly gets some chewing gum in his mouth that was stuck to the reciever. Yuck! In the end he kills himself because of one last straw (the gum) that spun him out.  He smashed the phone handle over his head until he crushes his skull and lays bleeding to death at the bottom of the phone booth. Have the kid see this and scream.

Spencer

I'm afraid I have to go with Breanne here. It's like a running gag, but unfortunately I knew what was going on before after the initial hello. It's an old joke.

Sorry!

Haha this reminds me of a script I wrote called "The End" the premise was it was the end of the world and it was a couple who were spending their last few moments again.

The entire script was written as a drama, and it ended with the two embraced and the boyfriend leans in and says "I missed your sister." I wrote it for a creative writing course.

This was alright, kind of dragged out, but I got a kick out of it.

I'm not a big fan of these shorter scripts that have been popping up lately. They aren't stories, just situations and this one is no exception. I think this would fit better on eBaumsworld than it does here because it's really rather pointless.

O...Oh wow...Andrew...

*dials psychiatrist number*

Just kidding, but wow, I did get a laught at the end, but seriously, you did get me. The first time I thought he was talking to his friend who was a guy, and then I thought it was his girlfriend, and then, I finally knew who he was talking too and that was the end of the film.

Bra...Bravo, Andrew

Sean