One Day - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, September 5th, 2006, 7:05pm

One Day by Pedro Chaves (rpedro) - Short, Action - The story of a bountyhunter, a man and a criminal, and one of the three is extremelly dangerous! But which one? 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Alex J. Cooper, September 7th, 2006, 2:56am; Reply: 1

I liked this short, except i found the ending out of place. Ras actions seemed out of place.

SPOILER

The team up at the end seemed out of character for Ras, because he was described as such a ruthless underground killer. It seemed very indulgent Ras teaming up with Sven.

But apart from that i liked it.

Posted by: chism, September 7th, 2006, 3:01am; Reply: 2

Yeah I agree with what Ape is saying.

There were some things I liked about the script, but the ending was one of the things that seemed out of place. Also, I thought the script was too long. Even as I was reading it, I got the impression that you could have said what you wanted to say in a lot less time, there were some redundant scenes that I would like to see cleared up. Also, I would take out the references to other movies such as The Postman. Sometimes they work, but here they just seemed out of place. I don't know, it kind of took me out of the story a little bit, so I would just omit them if you're planning on doing a second draft.

Otherwise, I liked the script. I didn't love it, but I liked it. There are a few formatting errors and some dialogue tweeking is needed here and there, but overall I enjoyed it.

Cheers, Chism.

Posted by: rpedro, September 7th, 2006, 4:07am; Reply: 3

thanks guys!

and yeah, there is a second draft already!

and busy with the third one now!

thanks a lot for your comments guys! Really appreciate them!

:-)

Posted by: chism, September 8th, 2006, 4:18am; Reply: 4

No problem. Glad we could help.

Can't wait to read future drafts. I'm looking forward to it.

Cheers, Chism.

Posted by: Helio, September 14th, 2006, 12:51pm; Reply: 5

I don't know...I like it, indeed, but I thought the ending could be less sligthly sweet. For a underground killer Ras seemed to be a tough Mormon. I hope you rewrite it and fix everything like that.

Posted by: rpedro, September 15th, 2006, 12:55am; Reply: 6

thanks helio for reading this too,

I actually wanted to show that Ras changed, he is not the same man that he was before, like he says he was a trapped dog, he didn't had a choice.

In the feature I'm writing, his past gets totally explained. And his change of mind.

But you are right, I should darken it up.