Platform 22 by Robert Spence - Short, Action - James, a guy eagerly awaiting a train early in the morning encounters a man that will change his life forever. James is about to have a really bad day. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Robert,

*******SPOILERS********

so good stuff,

good story,


Next you start with great stuff, train station, a scary james, a man talking about religion, good stuff, good dialog,

then flashback steps in :

first comment this quotes james says : I go into the bank, and it's fuckin
mobbed and I mean busier than a bunch of niggers collecting welfare.

Change it, kill the word nigger, doesn't suit his character.

The robber that pushes him in the car, the cop that stops him,
good stuff again,

but then.....

James runs away with the suitcase, flash back ends,

and he gets shot just like this...

It seems there is something missing,
it's to easy his death, and much to quick.

I would change that.

For the rest, I'll give it another reading later on, and give you a better review.

Take care,

Pedro

Hi Robert,

you've got there a good story, but several problems remain:

*****************SPOILERS*******************

Apparently, we are in Boston. Weird there's no one on the platform at this hour of the day.

While the first flashback, you don't need to tell everything we can see on screen. Let the action flows by itself.

How does the cop knows the Man with Mask's name is George Randal?

Pedro is right. Forget the "niggers" thing. Espacially when it's associated to Stevie Wonder later.

Killing James in the forehead is not the most discreet thing to do at daytime. Did the gun have a silencer?

Otherwise, the rest is OK for me. Maybe the end would need to be dug. It's too abrupt. You don't even explain how the man found James' traces.

Good job but it needs some more work, IMHO.

Hope It'd help.

Michel 8)

Yeah that whole 'nigger' bit through me off. This story had a Lock Stock kinda feel with all the criminal mishaps and such but didnt have a light hearted end like Lock Stock.

This would be great if expanded but I think the ending is to tidy for me.

Hey Robert, I'll be reviewing this one as I go...

First of all, never use we... 'We don't know why'. That cannot be used in a script, maybe you could just cut those parts out? The we stuff has got to go, you've got it in a lot of places.

Second, cooperate is not co-operate.

Look, I like how you tried redeeming yourself from your past script. Surely this one was better, but it still wasn't very great. I just didn't like your script, that's pretty much my main problem.

Did you need to say n*****?

And how did he kill him in broad daylight, and how did he get away with it? Why wasn't anyone there?

Anyways, your formatting was pretty good, the characters were pretty good, the story was okay, and you obviously are a fairly skilled writer.

Good luck on your next project. I have faith that you can write a pretty darn good script.

So this is better than "Goose".  Good job there -- in that this represents a clear improvement, and tells a much better story.  There are a few things I would question here, though.

You have all of the action taking place right out in the open, which seems a little unrealistic.  How about if James is in a stall in the men's room, and a guy in the next stall strikes up this conversation about religion?  Then he bursts into the stall and pulls the gun -- and when he threatens to blow James' balls off -- with James' pants around his ankles -- well, that might carry even more menace.

Oh, my.  That welfare line is like a slap in the face.  It is out of character, for starters, and will also alienate a good fraction of your reading audience.  I would encourage you to lose that.

I also suspect the man might not believe James, about where the briefcase is located.  I mean, if James is lying and the dude shoots him, he'll never find the suitcase.  I'm not sure how to fix that one though, as you obviously intend for this piece to end a specific way.  You need to make James more trustworthy somehow, I think.

Format-wise, lose the (continued) and "cut to:" -- which are not conventions found in spec script format -- and otherwise it looks good.  The margins at the top of the page look pretty small, though.  Adjust those.

Anyways, just some thoughts for you.  This was an interesting story in that it raised more questions than it answered, as to who these people might be and what they were actually after in the first place.  You might consider adding more details should you ever return to this for a rewrite.


[Edit:  Hey, isn't the title supposed to be Platform 22?  I can change that if you want.  Let me know if you do.]

I read it and enjoyed the story. I agree that there are some changes that need to be made too. It would be great to see this whole thing take place in a bath room stall where everything takes place, that would be unique.

I'm surprised he hasn't come to check how his script is doing. Maybe he has, and he hasn't given us a thank you. Come on, Robert.

Lmao soz people there isa  big time difference here and was out for a meal! I appreciuate all of the critisism. Whether it was to sdee if i weould make a meal of this like Goose! I will take out the racial slurrs but i am keeping the Stevie Wonder line.

The bathroom idea is good, and i may consider adding this.

Thanx for the comments guys. And Bert yeah lol was meant to be Platform 22. Would appreciate it if you ciould change it.

The comment a couple of you made. Are you suggesting the bathroom incident where he is caught taking a piss and threatened, and then following the car part where theyre stopped by the cops?

Also, if i made a revision andf wanted it posted. Would i just submit agen, orr would it come up as a new script days later?

LMAO and i have made the revision, and is looking a lot better. No N word and have added the bathroom thing, which i think has worked quite well. Onlyt hing is i have changed it to a subway bt am nt sure the title would fit because platforms are not in subways, i dont think. So ignore.

Robert,

This, with the focus on the briefcase, reminded me of Pulp Fiction -- a kind of continuation. You probably weren't thinking of that, but, still, some of the dialogue was, I think, similar - not copied, but similar.

In any event, it was an interesting read. As for keeping the Stevie Wonder line.  I liked it. It made me laugh :)

Some of the writing, though, I think, could be tightened.  For example, you write: "He's waiting on a specific train arriving." This seems unnecessary. Unless he's a wandering nomad, the reader will assume that he's waiting for a particular train. I've nothing against a more wordy script, but, really, it's best to tell the story with as few words as possible. If you do this, the words you do use will have more of an impact.

As for the "N" word, and what follows, "welfare": It's a short. That said, there isn't time to develope the characters in a way that allows them to utter epithets. The characters aren't "well-rounded" enough. We simply do no not know enough about James to let such a comment slide. As it is, it's jarring.

Seth

Quoted from RobertSpence LMAO and i have made the revision, and is looking a lot better. No N word and have added the bathroom thing, which i think has worked quite well. Onlyt hing is i have changed it to a subway bt am nt sure the title would fit because platforms are not in subways, i dont think. So ignore.

Sorry, I didn't know you made cahanges previous to my comments.

Anyway, subways do employ platforms -- even if you're in a tunnel, waiting for a train, you're still, technically, on a platform.  

Seth

lol k good, now i can keep the title. Thanx for the advice Seth. When the newer version is up, i think you will find it funnier. And didn't realise about Pulp Fiction lmao!

Quoted from RobertSpence lol k good, now i can keep the title. Thanx for the advice Seth. When the newer version is up, i think you will find it funnier. And didn't realise about Pulp Fiction lmao!

Any one... am I wasting my time?

Seth

what you mean wasting your time?

I have to say i enjoyed it. But i remember getting pulled over once on the highway and when i asked the cop if i could strech my legs he said sit tight. But who knows my cop must of been assh@le of something. Maybe i missed it but what happen to George, if the man on the plateform would of said that he had to kill him i would of enjoyed it more. but that's the only thing i didnt like

I'm glad you liked it. I have made a revision and the audience get insight into how the man followed the trail, and what happens is the man is in a convenience store when George tries to hold it up, and things follow from there.
                              
You really didn't like the ending? What would you suggest?

Thanx, Robert.

Quoted from Shogun I have to say i enjoyed it. But i remember getting pulled over once on the highway and when i asked the cop if i could strech my legs he said sit tight. But who knows my cop must of been assh@le of something. Maybe i missed it but what happen to George, if the man on the plateform would of said that he had to kill him i would of enjoyed it more. but that's the only thing i didnt like

The cop would not have let George out of the car.  Doing so would mean that he has divide his attention between to the two, which is never good.

I thought the script was a little rushed.  It was like I was being force-fed the script.  The whole idea of The Man (who you should have named) starting out his conversation with religion was interesting but, in the end, just fell flat for me.  Maybe if you ended the conversation with a religious reference.  I'm not sure.


Phil

Phil,
       Thanks for the cririsism but what i was trying to achieve was a surreal script, and also a bit light heartedness which mayb was the impression until the very end. Can you elaborate on your force fed comment? And i have updated the script but the changes arent on the site yet.
                                                              Thanx Robert.

You rushed everything.  The man narrated the entire story to George (and us).  YOu should take your time with it.


Phil

I don't think the Man needs a name, the main character doesn't need to know who is and niether do we. In my opinion. But if you did give him a name make it something like Mr. X or something that show that his name isn't important to the story...

The ending was defiantly rushed, it's been a while since i read it but i remember the man just walking away. If this was my story i would have the man kill the main character, to show he aint nothing to fuck with

but i just saw the departed i thinking all the blood in it has made me blood hungry..

the man did kill the main character lol.

I saw The Departed the other day. Was amazing.

Ok people, now a receent update has been added to the script so it is improved. Would appreciate it if you guys gave it a read.

This was okay.  It moved at a nice pace but let me see if I get this straight.  So, James is in the bathroom, then George bursts in and holds him up.  They both get into James' car.   Cop pulls car over, James sees his chance and exits and for whatever reason takes the briefcase with him.  Moments before getting James, George "robbed" a convenience store and took this briefcase, and The Man followed George, then followed James after he exited the car.  

What I don't understand is--well a couple things.  How did The Man know where to find James?  I see that he followed the car for a bit, but how The Man found him at the train station baffles me.  Why did James take the briefcase?  What was in it?  See, I think you have a good idea and it's got a couple of inter-"connecting" stories, but theyr'e not yet fully connected, which is why I put it in quotes.  Say what's in the briefcase, show how The Man found James, stuff like that.

Technical stuff: There's some pointless description in here.  The Man pulls a gun on James.  All you need to say is that he's in a panic and cut out the "fact a gun is pointed at him" or whatever it was.  Same with the opening paragraphs.  You mention twice that he's constantly looking at his watch when you can really get away with simply using the second one.

*P5: "Common man don't shoot!"  haha.  I used to do the "common" all the time.  C'mon or Come on.
*8: It sounds like "George" just voluntarily gave the cop his name, which you don't want to happen.  Show him handing over his license or something.  Actually, cops usually ask for license and registration(which is in James' name).  So...that's up to you.
*I'd also take the "cunts" out.  It's such a short piece and you barely know the characters, so having them use derogatory words as such doesn't really build their appeal.
*And I have no idea what platform 22 has to do with anything...was that just the location or what's happening?  Cause you use ironically in the last sentence but..I don't see the irony =S

I think you became to anxious to repost a revision, because there are still holes.  The first was posted on October 6--it's only the 12th today.  Take your time with it.  Let the ideas freely flow.  Read it, make sure you can answer all the questions, then read it again.  It's a nice piece for what it is, but it can be alot better.

Best of luck to ya.

Ok, giving this a quick read and typing my observations as I go.

First off, a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, and jeans that give him an air of normality.  Yeah, if he's Fonzie.  I don't know anybody that dresses like that.

Your flashback in the bank.  That dialogue should be voiceovers since the characters are not in the scene.

On the whole, the banter between the characters was ok, but when I finished reading this, I felt it was kind of uneventful.  I mean realistically, the Man more than likely knew how this whole scenario was going to end right from the get go, and that cocking his gun would intimidate James enough to release all of that pertinent info, without listening to his story about how he got his hands on the briefcase, and where it currently is.

To a character like the Man, it shouldn't matter.  All he should be concerned with is where it is now, not how it got there.

Greg - Lol yes you got the plot right, and they were ment to intertwine. You have raised a couple of points i hadn't thought about so will give that a look over As for the George thing, he is stupid and a "fuck up" character as i would call him, so he is stupid enough to give away his name. I have never driven in America so being pulled over is different than in Britain. As for what is in the briefcase, you will never know lolol. Thanx for the advice.

Mike - I have only ever been to the US once and that was Florida so i wouldn't know what would convey an air of normality. I went for a surreal setting for the script but i can understand the question's raised.

Lol it is not a very good irony but would be the locker being number 22 aswell as the train platform.

Quoted from RobertSpence Lol it is not a very good irony but would be the locker being number 22 aswell as the train platform.

Ahhhh yes, I get it now!  If you really want to complex this up, you could have a part where James simply looks up and sees platform 22 and says that the briefcase is in locker 22...essentially lying to the guy...so that leaves us with an ending to decipher for ourselves.  I dunno, just my thoughts.

Nice job.

Where's the updated script at?

Here's the updated script coffee http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/PLATFORM1.pdf hope ya like it.

Okay hey guys, i submitted this script a while back and have made changes which i feel makes this an overall better read so would appreciate it if you give this a look at.

Also letting you know, it is not in spec script format.

Hey Robert thought I'd give this a read as you were kind enough to read mine.

I'll review this as I go...

Don't think you need the comment about being an average Boston guy, how do we know he's in Boston.  Unless you super 'Boston'.

Oh yeah James, should be JAMES when you first introduce him.

Not sure about parentheticals, thought they were to desribe the characters voice rather than actions?  Could be wrong though.

Bottom of page 2 typo... should be while he takes out his handkerchief and not where.

When you write James's, you just need James'.

Typo top of page 3.  Man's dialogue reads 'do you think I'm a stupid James'.  I think you need to lose the 'a'.

'rent-a-fuck', loves this line. lol

I think you could tighten up your action.  Like this...
'The Man hits him across the head with the gun.  Blood drips fom his head'.
I think you could just write...'The Man hits him across the head with the gun, it begins to bleed.

(O.S.)'s should be (V.O.)'s.  Plus I'd lose the CONT' in the dialogues, they're not really needed.

Typo bottom of page 4... you have 'a a'.

Erm...'taking a dump'.  Nice but not in a script lol.

Some of your action seems a bit too novel like.

You say the man in the mask gives his name but you don't write it as a dialogue?

I don't get some of the cops dialogue?

Doesn't the man pull back the hammer on the gun twice?

You wait till near the end to describe the gun, maybe this should be done when we first see it.  Although i don't think it is relevant.

I liked this but not really sure what the main story was, maybe there isn't one.  I think it maybe needs something more, like a hint as to what could be in the briefcase.

Anyway good job mate.

Hi Robert,

This was certainly a fun and weird read. Though I found the story somewhat unbelievable and unconvincing it went by really fast. I like the man/killer in the train. The way he starts off, very threatening, and then turns into an intentive listener that was quite funny. I could almost picture sitting like an impatient kid just yearning to know more. That was good.

This story feels like a cross between Pulp Fiction (the briefcase) and Lock, Stock...so you get no points for originality here.

The characters were pretty bland, I don't think you managed to develop them to their fullest.

Even though I think the characters sound alike, I thought the dialog was very funny and it flowed nicely.

Remember not to tell more than is needed (action vs dialog) and remember not to write what can't be shown on the screen. You told us that this takes place in Boston but you didn't show us.

Cheers
Rob  

Hey Robert,

I love story-lines like this.  And I liked this one, too.  However, there were a few too many loose ends left untied for me to actually love it.

The pacing was great.  Nice and quick.  I loved the dialogue (although the Man and James both sounded like the same character.  More on this later.)  There was a lot of suspense.

However, that was kind of a problem, too.  The suspense never really gets answered.  The questions that you brought up in the story, the who, what, and why are never explained.  I was into the story because I couldn't wait to find out who was after the suitcase, why they were after it, and what was in it.

I understand you wanted to keep the briefcase a mystery, but in that sense, it comes off way too much like Pulp Fiction.  (And just to let you know.  As much as I love Pulp Fiction, I was ticked when Tarantino never revealed what was in that case, too.)

Other than that, though, like I had said, you did push the story forward at a very nice pace.

I did like the characters, especially the Man, but something really threw me off about James.

At first, he comes off as a quiet, awkward, gentle person.  For instance, you have him say "Um..Well I am Christian so therefor I must believe in religion."  Then, he becomes almost sniveling.  "I'm sorry man, please don't hurt me. I didn't mean to do anything!...Don't shoot!"  So he comes off as a (to quote the Man) a whiny little bitch.

But then,, as soon as he starts his story, he begins talking like he's a goon just like the Man.  He swears and phrases his sentences in a 'cool' way, totally different from how he was in the first few pages of the script.  (In fact, he all of a sudden reminded me of Mr. Orange in 'Reservoir Dogs'.  This is where the two characters seem to melt together and James and the Man begin to act and sound like the same character.

I think the only other thing I thought about that didn't fit is what somebody had mentioned already to you.  It doesn't seem like the Man is naive enough to shoot James without finding the suitcase first.  It was an interesting twist you put in, with the locker 22, but the Man just doesn't seem like that much of a shmuck not to bring James with him to be sure he's not lying.  Now, what if the Man gets there and the briefcase isn't in 22?  He's out of options now.

There were quite a few typo's I've noticed, too.  I don't know if you plan on going back and working onthis again, but if you would like me to go through and edit the typo's I see for you, let me know and I'll be more than happy.  I like fresh eyes looking over my scripts because there's always a few that get by the all-too familiar eye.

I did really like this a lot and it is a very interesting idea.  It just seems that the story needs to be panned out a little bit more and a little bit of the mystery brought to light.

Good show and I will check out 'Spilled Milk'.  Probably tomorrow night.

I thought I had read something from yours before, but it was Spenceforhire that I was thinking of.  The 'spence' part was what threw me off.  :-)

- Mark