Platform 22 by Robert Spence - Short, Action - James, a guy eagerly awaiting a train early in the morning encounters a man that will change his life forever. James is about to have a really bad day. 14 pages - pdf, format

Hi Robert,

*******SPOILERS********

so good stuff,

good story,


Next you start with great stuff, train station, a scary james, a man talking about religion, good stuff, good dialog,

then flashback steps in :

first comment this quotes james says : I go into the bank, and it's fuckin
mobbed and I mean busier than a bunch of niggers collecting welfare.

Change it, kill the word nigger, doesn't suit his character.

The robber that pushes him in the car, the cop that stops him,
good stuff again,

but then.....

James runs away with the suitcase, flash back ends,

and he gets shot just like this...

It seems there is something missing,
it's to easy his death, and much to quick.

I would change that.

For the rest, I'll give it another reading later on, and give you a better review.

Take care,

Pedro

Hi Robert,

you've got there a good story, but several problems remain:

*****************SPOILERS*******************

Apparently, we are in Boston. Weird there's no one on the platform at this hour of the day.

While the first flashback, you don't need to tell everything we can see on screen. Let the action flows by itself.

How does the cop knows the Man with Mask's name is George Randal?

Pedro is right. Forget the "niggers" thing. Espacially when it's associated to Stevie Wonder later.

Killing James in the forehead is not the most discreet thing to do at daytime. Did the gun have a silencer?

Otherwise, the rest is OK for me. Maybe the end would need to be dug. It's too abrupt. You don't even explain how the man found James' traces.

Good job but it needs some more work, IMHO.

Hope It'd help.

Michel

Yeah that whole 'nigger' bit through me off. This story had a Lock Stock kinda feel with all the criminal mishaps and such but didnt have a light hearted end like Lock Stock.

This would be great if expanded but I think the ending is to tidy for me.

Hey Robert, I'll be reviewing this one as I go...

First of all, never use we... 'We don't know why'. That cannot be used in a script, maybe you could just cut those parts out? The we stuff has got to go, you've got it in a lot of places.

Second, cooperate is not co-operate.

Look, I like how you tried redeeming yourself from your past script. Surely this one was better, but it still wasn't very great. I just didn't like your script, that's pretty much my main problem.

Did you need to say n*****?

And how did he kill him in broad daylight, and how did he get away with it? Why wasn't anyone there?

Anyways, your formatting was pretty good, the characters were pretty good, the story was okay, and you obviously are a fairly skilled writer.

Good luck on your next project. I have faith that you can write a pretty darn good script.

So this is better than "Goose".  Good job there -- in that this represents a clear improvement, and tells a much better story.  There are a few things I would question here, though.

You have all of the action taking place right out in the open, which seems a little unrealistic.  How about if James is in a stall in the men's room, and a guy in the next stall strikes up this conversation about religion?  Then he bursts into the stall and pulls the gun -- and when he threatens to blow James' balls off -- with James' pants around his ankles -- well, that might carry even more menace.

Oh, my.  That welfare line is like a slap in the face.  It is out of character, for starters, and will also alienate a good fraction of your reading audience.  I would encourage you to lose that.

I also suspect the man might not believe James, about where the briefcase is located.  I mean, if James is lying and the dude shoots him, he'll never find the suitcase.  I'm not sure how to fix that one though, as you obviously intend for this piece to end a specific way.  You need to make James more trustworthy somehow, I think.

Format-wise, lose the (continued) and "cut to:" -- which are not conventions found in spec script format -- and otherwise it looks good.  The margins at the top of the page look pretty small, though.  Adjust those.

Anyways, just some thoughts for you.  This was an interesting story in that it raised more questions than it answered, as to who these people might be and what they were actually after in the first place.  You might consider adding more details should you ever return to this for a rewrite.


[Edit:  Hey, isn't the title supposed to be Platform 22?  I can change that if you want.  Let me know if you do.]

I read it and enjoyed the story. I agree that there are some changes that need to be made too. It would be great to see this whole thing take place in a bath room stall where everything takes place, that would be unique.

I'm surprised he hasn't come to check how his script is doing. Maybe he has, and he hasn't given us a thank you. Come on, Robert.

Lmao soz people there isa  big time difference here and was out for a meal! I appreciuate all of the critisism. Whether it was to sdee if i weould make a meal of this like Goose! I will take out the racial slurrs but i am keeping the Stevie Wonder line.

The bathroom idea is good, and i may consider adding this.

Thanx for the comments guys. And Bert yeah lol was meant to be Platform 22. Would appreciate it if you ciould change it.

The comment a couple of you made. Are you suggesting the bathroom incident where he is caught taking a piss and threatened, and then following the car part where theyre stopped by the cops?

Also, if i made a revision andf wanted it posted. Would i just submit agen, orr would it come up as a new script days later?

LMAO and i have made the revision, and is looking a lot better. No N word and have added the bathroom thing, which i think has worked quite well. Onlyt hing is i have changed it to a subway bt am nt sure the title would fit because platforms are not in subways, i dont think. So ignore.

Robert,

This, with the focus on the briefcase, reminded me of Pulp Fiction -- a kind of continuation. You probably weren't thinking of that, but, still, some of the dialogue was, I think, similar - not copied, but similar.

In any event, it was an interesting read. As for keeping the Stevie Wonder line.  I liked it. It made me laugh

Some of the writing, though, I think, could be tightened.  For example, you write: "He's waiting on a specific train arriving." This seems unnecessary. Unless he's a wandering nomad, the reader will assume that he's waiting for a particular train. I've nothing against a more wordy script, but, really, it's best to tell the story with as few words as possible. If you do this, the words you do use will have more of an impact.

As for the "N" word, and what follows, "welfare": It's a short. That said, there isn't time to develope the characters in a way that allows them to utter epithets. The characters aren't "well-rounded" enough. We simply do no not know enough about James to let such a comment slide. As it is, it's jarring.

Seth

Quoted from RobertSpence LMAO and i have made the revision, and is looking a lot better. No N word and have added the bathroom thing, which i think has worked quite well. Onlyt hing is i have changed it to a subway bt am nt sure the title would fit because platforms are not in subways, i dont think. So ignore.

Sorry, I didn't know you made cahanges previous to my comments.

Anyway, subways do employ platforms -- even if you're in a tunnel, waiting for a train, you're still, technically, on a platform.  

Seth

lol k good, now i can keep the title. Thanx for the advice Seth. When the newer version is up, i think you will find it funnier. And didn't realise about Pulp Fiction lmao!

Quoted from RobertSpence lol k good, now i can keep the title. Thanx for the advice Seth. When the newer version is up, i think you will find it funnier. And didn't realise about Pulp Fiction lmao!

Any one... am I wasting my time?

Seth