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Hmmm, there's lots I like in this one but I think the narrative is confused/confusing.
The sequence with his daughter didn't really fit with the rest to me.
Hit's the criteria though.
Decent effort |
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This read a little disjointed to me and didn't really hang together as a story.
But you did get the criteria in and a couple of lines made me smile.
Well done for getting it in. |
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I think it's important to reiterate Blondie's words regarding theme:
Money is the root of all evil
Your job is to deal with the theme positive, negative or indifferent. |
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Meets all the criteria, though not sure that's really what an actuary does.
But it's well written, crime-comedy, so that's fine... theme - yep that too.
My only real problem is this is one of those that doesn't really work outside of the challenge, though with some tweaks it could.
Decent effort. |
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Okay, I'm guilty as I did read comments this time. Personally, I don't get it. The humor of God will provide flew right over my head. The dog never provides anything.
Money was definitely mentioned throughout but I don't see what made it evil. The scumbag trying to steal it? It wasn't the money's fault.
And then there's the foam finger. Present with a rim shot.
I'm not religious but I could hang with those two old broads.
Good job, writer. |
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Hi Writer,
God damn it, I just lost all my notes for this and can't be bothered re-quoting all the bits.
Long story short, too many ellipses and some that would be better served at em dashes when interrupting dialogue.
The rest of the writing is good, pretty easy read, but the story its self really struggled to hold my attention, by page three I was losing focus.
Congrats for getting an entry in.
All the best. |
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So, not to hijack the thread (but I am), I rewrote "In the Red", a OWC from back in Oct. 2016, had it illustrated and our favorite host (my man Don!) posted it today on the home page.
Check it out if you need a quick distraction: https://www.simplyscripts.com/2020/07/07/in-the-red-by-john-staats-produced/ |
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For instance the script with the rocking horse and Little Big Horn? Has zero reference to the theme but is a damn imaginative five pages of work. The White Rose and Forget Me Nots also have nothing of the theme but are still good products of the tough challenge.
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I think in the rocking horse entry the guy got stingy (besides being stupid) and thus the wife troubles. He was a Scrooge.
The White Rose - they sold her out.
So both adhere to the theme.
I guess it’s how we perceive the theme and the entry too. |
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| All right... back for round 2. |
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Do we find out who missed their entries each round?
Is it just 1 in this week? |
Yes. |
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Yeah that’s cool bro. I guess each peep will have their own take on it. From memory, I think Blondie even said early on not to sweat too much over the theme thing. |
I believe in people having fun, being creative and pushing them one step past their limits. =) |
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Hey writer,
So the good - the constant references to fictional cops was funny, and having the Mother Superior do it, without the anger, was even more funny.
The rest - theme is non-existent, I didn't get the God / dog thing (could be me), and it would have been better if the foam finger was nabbed as evidence and then Agatha wrested it away from the detectives. Would have been another funny moment. As it stands, you're technically missing that one criteria.
Also, this was obviously written by a man, because the female cop's name was FEMALE COP, and her first order of business was to go get coffee. I'd clean that up on a rewrite. (0:
AJR |
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Quoted Text Hi Michael
I read here with interest, as I enjoy your stories / writing. I searched, but don't find- Corpse Flower here. I'd like to read it if you could link it here. Or PM me.
Barry John |
What Libby said. Though it's really not one of my favorite scripts. Budget's overblown and the plot needs to be simplified -- and it's not my best writing. If I ever get around to it, maybe I'll give it a page one rewrite if I feel it's worth the time. It is probably my favorite title of anything I've written, but that's about it, really. Honestly surprised anybody remembers that one. I personally think "Honey Mustard" makes that script look like a piece of garbage, but that's just my opinion.
-- Mi...
Click here to read more ... |
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| Theme is VERY IMPORTANT to the score and how I judge these. |
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| Yeah that’s cool bro. I guess each peep will have their own take on it. From memory, I think Blondie even said early on not to sweat too much over the theme thing. |
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I agree with you, which is why I review it in two ways - first, does it tick the boxes, including the theme? If so, then I score it higher. If not, then the rest of us have wasted our time carefully selecting specific criteria that will fit that theme.
And then second, I let the writer know what I think of the script once it's free from the parameters of the competition. Yes, agreed, there are some scripts that are going to be marketable regardless of whether money and evil are contemplated. And that's a good thing. But for the next few days or so, there are rules. At least IMHO.
AJR |
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I hear ya, ajr but most reviews aren’t even mentioning the theme part of it. I think adding the unique variables to a certain genre is gonna give us an interesting little script anyway, without the added burden of a ‘theme’.
For instance the script with the rocking horse and Little Big Horn? Has zero reference to the theme but is a damn imaginative five pages of work. The White Rose and Forget Me Nots also have nothing of the theme but are still good products of the tough challenge. |
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I'm the opposite, I think the theme is the most important thing. A random object that appears for a few seconds is not nearly as crucial.
If not for the theme, we could all divvy up our items now and write 5 scripts based on the 4 elements, and be done with it. The fact that we all have to hit some universal element, while using disparate parameters, is what makes the challenge.
AJR |
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Again, I must've missed something because I never understood why people were paying off Jessie to begin with. I don't care how much you get paid, not many would pay for the opportunity to strip. A percentage off the take? Sure, but not arbitrary actuary assessments.
Yes, there was crime. Lots of money but a stretch to say the root of all evil. A tape measure in a strip club? That's an easy combination to contrive a story. An actuary is basically a risk analyst for an insurance company. Hmmm...I'm still confused.
Good work, writer. |
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Just my two bobs worth about the theme. Most that I’ve read so far only vaguely hint at the money theme - at least 3 have zero reference to it. But I’m perfectly ok with that as using the variables inventively is the main gig here. Do we even need the added hassle of a theme each round? After I picked my variables, I already had my story mapped out before Blondie announced the theme. It didn’t affect my writing at all - by chance my story kind of fit the theme anyway lol.
I don’t write with themes in mind in my normal writing. I certainly won’t be marking down any script with vague theme links.
Anyway just MHO. Will review today. Have read a few already. Nearly all have used the variables very well although one just shoehorned...
Click here to read more ... |
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Yes. It had to be actuary.
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Geez, I had to look it up. I learned something today! |
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Upon first read, I'm confused as hell. I'm going to read this again but I'm not sure its going to make much more sense. Yeah...no. I'm still confused. Who was David and his father? Why was it okay to steal the diamond but not use it to save his daughter? I'm lost.
Money is the root of all evil. He stole the diamond and made a donation with it? Maybe I'm too simple minded to get this one.
Your entry is written well enough but it's lost on me. |
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Not read any other comments...
Dublin - if that's supposed to be a location that's important then needs a SUPER, or just lose it.
I'd name the female cop as she speaks.
You need a new scene heading when Reilly speak to Mother Superior as it's a new location and when they return to the other room.
The foam finger isn't really in the story, it's just referenced - tsk, tsk.
The God will provide the answers bit didn't really work imho.
But some decent lines, certainly attempts at comedy that raised a smile.
Decent effort |
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I placed third in the first year of this contest, and as a result I have had a few phone meetings with managers and production companies about my script. One of my prizes was a free evaluation from the Script Butcher, which was very helpful in polishing my script up before sending it off to other contests and industry contacts.
Great prizes, and a lot of community support. I highly recommend entering the contest and checking out the discord community!
(if you join, say hi.) |
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Only one line gave me any resemblance of a chuckle:
JAY: I guess the one that doesn’t have the holes.
I don't know why but I found that funny. Good job.
The rest? Ouch. Oy vey? Jewish Mafia? A debt forgiven by the Mafia? Rob a gym? A scrawny gym manager? Well, you did get all the required components in though. Money, root of all evil is a stretch. More like gambling is the evil.
Nice work. |
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Do we find out who missed their entries each round?
Is it just 1 in this week?
Great job, Don, getting these up so fast. Very impressive!!! |
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| It was mysterious. Left a lot of intriguing and unanswered question. In a good way. The action was underplayed and could be visually seen unfolding in quiet solitude. Did have a noirish mystery feel to it. |
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This was a bit confusing.
It seems like the kid can read minds and that the guy actually did take the diamond, but the kid doesn't want to rat on the guy for some reason.
I think that money being the root of all evil is the only part that isn't really apparent for me.
Good job finishing. |
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Pinocchio like nose? Um...
This felt thrown together and the ending didn't work for me.
Sure they guy was a Postal Worker, but that didn't really factor into the story, nor did the deck of cards.
Sal just magically turns a new leaf?
They play cards as the cops show up?
I did think the masks were funny, but there wasn't much humor for me in this comedy.
Good job getting it done. |
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Barry,
I say this with nothing but good intentions. Thinking you'll become a known screenwriter with your first and only script does not make you a realist. It makes you a dreamer and good on you. But most people - myself included - have to write a lot more scripts before anything actually comes of it.
As to your first script, some advice. Unknown writers are most likely to succeed with -
A - A strong and distinctive voice
B - A clear and marketable genre
C - An execution that can be done on a low budget
And of course - a bloody brilliant story!
Good luck to you, and I'll happily take a look when you repost THE BOOK OF JOSEPH
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Showing 1 - 30 (16286 results found)
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