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I think a lot of the quirkiness would be lost if this was an animation where anything is possible. Obviously it's a movie so anything is possible, but I think you'll get what I mean.
The thing is that a lot of the visuals aren't really on screen. You know the fish has done it by the resulting action, not by visually seeing it happen. I think that's the genius of it, in my opinion. |
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Yes, the idea and the wit and the characterisations, lovely.
I'm going to give it another read though cause I'm not as easily won over with the clarity of the 'visuals to screen' (on first read) as Warren is and I wonder if it could run a bit shorter.
I think it would be beautiful as animation.
Okay, gimme another go at it and I'll add to my critique later.
Hard-charging goldfish?
P.S. The nod to Gremlins at the end is terrific. |
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Hi Paul,
Bravo, I loved it. And it would be easy to film with a pretty big pay off in my opinion, I’m sure you know that because of the way you wrote it.
Saw everything you wanted me to see. I didn’t really laugh during the script, was more of a constant smile. But I cracked up at the post credit scene, funny stuff.
Congrats on another fantastic script to add to your collection. Make sure you send this in to get reviewed.
Hope to see this made sometime.
EDIT: I thought I might mention to anyone reading this that it's easy to miss the final scene, I almost did, so make sure you keep reading after FADE TO BLACK 
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The Heart of the Matter by Scott Nelson - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Awakening from cryostasis to find a cure to his cancer, a man discovers that he has a disease-free heart that his doctor wants. 7 pages - pdf format
For production consideration - No comments required
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Word-Hits
1 (100.00%) |
Red Bandit |
Posted by: Don
Date Posted: Yesterday, 8:35pm |
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Red Bandit by Anders Engdahl - Thriller - A young reporter investigates a mysterious outlaw who seeks to bring his own brand of justice to the rich and powerful. 84 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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Bad Fish: A Stanley Crumpler Novel by Paul Knauer - Short, Comedy - An emotionally-stunted loner and his newly-adopted, hard-charging goldfish attempt to negotiate a budding relationship. 13 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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The Gay Zombie Movie by Peter Zaragoza - Comedy, Gay, Campy Comedy - It's "The Walking Dead" meets "Another Gay Movie." 93 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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The Special Bond by Marcela Tingle - Short, Drama - A single woman who's given up on her own life is trying to salvage her friend's life, and the consequences are unpredictable! 16 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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This is interesting.
My biggest problem with it, however, is I'm not sure what the tone is supposed to be. Straight up horror? Comedy horror?
Some of the character actions and dialogue are incongruous with either of the above, and so it becomes difficult to know where to place it.
I think, for example, you don't need to make John good or bad, but internally consistent; is he at peace with himself? Within the story, there seems to be something of an arc with 'I should've done this a long time ago', but he derives pleasure (or so it seems) when he drops the dog off; there's seemingly no internal conflict for him in doing this. So when he then decides to off the wife, it doesn't have the impact it could have if his route ...
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Hard to know what to make of this.
Even though the topic is unrelentingly bleak, and in theory there should be tension, it feels oddly devoid of tension and conflict.
I think part of that is the VO, which suggests a retelling, but then it abruptly stopped. I wasn't clear as to why it stopped, and from when and where it was actually taking place?
Either way, I don't think the VO serves your story in any practical way. Also, the writing is good, no doubt, but at times it feels dense, tough to get through, and for me at least, it was a struggle to get through it. The camera directions don't help, as you are pulled from the story, and the purpose of the angle is for a visual; I prefer the words, in and of themselves, to be ...
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The Drift (reply) |
Posted by: Andrew
Date Posted: Yesterday, 7:27pm |
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There's no doubt you can write, but it's so bloated.
The character description of Trish was enjoyable, and I got a real sense of woman worn down by the years, vulnerable, desperate to reclaim the youth she feels has slipped away from her. That's a relatable concept (if hardly novel), and twinned with a more engaging plot, it could be something interesting.
By contrast, the description for Chris didn't work so well for me, and so when you push against convention a little, sometimes it works, others not so much.
In the end, I had to skim after page 4.
This should really be a 4/5 page script.
Written in screenplay style, I think you could get some interesting stuff on the page. So hope to see more of your wo...
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Some good constructive criticism for you from Matthew above.
But what I wanted to add was that I thought the story was very good - dark - but compelling.
Good work!
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We may have a different definition of "finish". Anyway - these are the things I do after typing FADE OUT. First - Take a breather for a few days - week. Then do what I refer to as my mechanics  Note - I write using Final Draft so these tools may not be available to all). 1. Copy and paste the script ten pages at a time into a Word File and run "Grammerly" A nice tool for finding typos and grammatical errors. 2. Run the script in audio (i.e., FD will read it to you) - many errors are discovered by listening to the script (note - this was a tip I got from Warren and it is a good one). 3. Run a word search on a list of pedestrian verbs (e.g., walks, ente |
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Fillet steak and a good red wine. But currently I have a couple of rewrites and notes so annoyingly can’t finish something i’m Nearly there with. Like others I tend to work things out in my head before I write. I have got stuck a couple of times but when that happens, I work on another story, and when I come back to the trouble maker, i’m unblocked. The mind works on problems unconsciously I find.
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Hi Ben,
So I liked this, it's very... raw? I think that’s a good word to describe it.
It's definitely a quick read because it's dialogue heavy. I'm in two minds about the dialogue though. I think it’s very authentic, I think the characters have individual voices, and I think you do well to build the relationships through dialogue. The thing that concerns me is that a fair portion of the dialogue is very general, as in, it just normal back and forth that I don’t think moves the story forward. But then in saying that this is the first of a series so it potentially has a lot of time to evolve.
With regards to, “it lacks any real "set pieces" of either comedy or drama.” I’m not entirely sure what more you want. Th...
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Hey guys, thanks for reading. I think you both touched on some similar issues for my next draft.
I'm not sure how I feel about the camera directions. Of course the director will do whatever s/he wants, but sometimes it works to build style. Maybe not in this case?
Re: character change and direction, I'm not sure what else I could do here. Eldave, there's two scenes in the middle of the script that I meant to develop protag's anguish and guilt and I don't think they are very subtle. It's her motivation for the final scene.
As for the theme/point? I agree that I didn't develop it clearly due to wanting subtext, but essentially it's about how you can privilege your own catharsis of guilt - telling the truth |
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Sounds like you've been busy.  |
I would just call it 'growing old' 
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Quoted Text Two of the Eric's I know write very well. And I know only two Erics. So, I'll be interested in seeing what you come up with. What if it's in the name? |
is that Eric with a 'C' or a 'K'? I'm pretty sure all us Eric's with a 'C' are illiterate. |
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@Max
Quoted Text Hope I haven't come across as a massive sexist saying that haha |
Yeah, you did. I'm just messin' wit'cha.
Quoted Text I've only had feedback off guys so far, and it tends to be stuff like "more fights, yeah more fighting". |
"Friends make the worst enemies." Frank Underwood
Without further ado,
I do not like fighting very much, so a fighting story is not something I would enjoy. But this is not a fighting story, it is about a fighter. The underdog story of, a kind-hearted depth factory worker and part-time fighter, who wants a second chance to reconnect with his daughter (Rosie). GAVIN DAVEY, AKA Meph, is...
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Hi Nate,
Read another one from you and I enjoyed it. Very engaging.
I have few suggestions regarding this one, which are completely my personal opinions.
1. I think the opening conversation between two detectives is too long. Also they are arguing about something which really doesn't matter from script perspective. They could be arguing about "trust" or "friendship" or something like that.
*** SPOILERS ****
2. The IA characters just suddenly pop-up and then do nothing except interrogating the two and conveying some information to audience.
Since the beginning I have my suspicion on Dr. Brighton being the killer and then later CLARKE being killer. But when Dr. Brighton was killed, tha...
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| Honestly little bit disappointed it's not "defiled" |
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Hey guys, thanks for reading. I think you both touched on some similar issues for my next draft.
I'm not sure how I feel about the camera directions. Of course the director will do whatever s/he wants, but sometimes it works to build style. Maybe not in this case?
Re: character change and direction, I'm not sure what else I could do here. Eldave, there's two scenes in the middle of the script that I meant to develop protag's anguish and guilt and I don't think they are very subtle. It's her motivation for the final scene.
As for the theme/point? I agree that I didn't develop it clearly due to wanting subtext, but essentially it's about how you can privilege your own catharsis of guilt - telling the truth - over how that...
Click here to read more ... |
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Good pickup, Ben.
I'm sure however that the writer means 'defied'.
* Fixed for the author, as per script title. |
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The topic title says "defiled" but the script says "defied'.
Please, tell me you meant "defiled". |
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Hello and welcome.
Two of the Eric's I know write very well. And I know only two Erics. So, I'll be interested in seeing what you come up with. What if it's in the name? |
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I'll echo what Libby said.
Got to learn some of the basics and learn the standard format. A little google, a little software and you're there. |
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Welcome to the club! 
Zack |
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Hi Greg, I had a quick glance...
You need to format your script to Industry Standard. A few links below to help you out:
Download free scriptwriting software -
https://www.trelby.org
https://www.celtx.com/index.html
https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/free-screenwriting-software/
Some further basics on formatting. FADE IN, use a SUPER for time and place superimpose titles on screen etc.
https://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html
http://www.screenwriting.info/16.php
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
I love the title and premise.
Your logline might benefit from a change in verb::
threatens to throw them apart
threatens to [...
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| Welcome aboard! |
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Showing 1 - 30 (13628 results found)
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