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I received my notes for Shaka today. They were pretty middle of the road for the most part, but I thought I'd share this: Dave had a very big part in this script, even more so with the dialogue, so props to Dave  |
My pleasure, mate. You wrote a solid story . Glad I could help
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I received my notes for Shaka today. They were pretty middle of the road for the most part, but I thought I'd share this:
Quoted Text Dialogue: The dialogue is exceptionally strong at capturing the setting and tone of the narrative’s unfolding drama. Each interaction is succinct, expressive, and purposeful, featuring appropriately dramatic lines. |
Dave had a very big part in this script, even more so with the dialogue, so props to Dave
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Hi John - I have finally recovered enough to get back into this, although I have now lost my train of thought so I'll try and decipher the notes I scribbled down whilst reading.
The pair not realising they have taken off - although amusing - doesn't quite sit right with me, unless I am misunderstanding. Wouldn't they have noticed they are floating earlier?
Wouldn't the sudden acceleration subject them to G-force?
I may be overthinking, this is a fantasy after all - but I don't think to inject it with realistic physics would hurt it as long as the tone is the same - maybe it's this strange sphere that is messing with the physics... I think I have talked myself around.
Personally I would heighten the tension slightly once ...
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Hey Zack,
I haven't read any of the comments so I'm going into this completely blind. I'm commenting as I read.
Page 6-7:
You mention that the Bogeyman faces toward the door with its back toward us. But then you mention that it turns to face the porch and tilts its head. Also, how did Mary not see the Bogeyman if he was standing on the porch? Or near the porch? With the light on? Unless, right as the light turns on it burns out...
I would have Mary check on the boys before or after she calls 911, just to make sure they're safe and asleep (which they are...unless something's already happened to them).
Oh shit. Poor Devin. Brave of you to do that.
Haha, I love Kings Island, if you're talking about the...
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I've had at least 7 people with actual resumes approach me to produce one of my shorts (After Mom's Funeral). So far, none have gone through with it. Except, that is, for at least 3 different people who have shot the thing as several amateur productions without my permission, two of which gave me actual credit but never notified me of their intent to make it or otherwise informed me of the fact that they'd just finished shooting a short based on my work.
First was done by a guy in the Middle East (I was too embarrassed to ask where lol), which I consider somewhat of a special case. The filmmaker did try to reach me extensively, but I did not see his communications. I liked his enthusiasm and his eagerness, so I let it slide.&n...
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Yep, the dead fiance is no good according to the Hallmark design... So concur with you on that Steve.
But I also agree with Dave that things need to be more compelling.
I've still got moving boxes everywhere Steve, sorry for the holdup.
Breakups aren't out of the question are they? Perhaps she needs to dump or be the dumpee from the outset?
It's all too easy and a bit too good to be true at the moment and I know you're not daft, Steve, that the real shakeup will come later before the happy ending, but for me personally to feel for her from the outset I need her to be going through some personal crisis. For some reason I don't find her terribly likeable at the moment.
Am going to read again later and give ...
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Dave,
I believe you've read an earlier, more vomitous draft of this, and as I recall your notes were fairly the same in regards to the characters being vanilla, which I totally understand. On further rewrites, I will try to add a little more punch to them. Curtis the security guard is written as a black character, although I don't call him out as such. As far as making someone disabled or deaf, I think that might be taking it a bit too far unless the particular character has a more defined role in the story, which the earlier characters, save for Katherine, do not.
I understand the inattentive boyfriend has been done to death, and I've noticed a trend of these movies getting away from that lately. Sti
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Hey, Steve:
Gave it a read, ignoring format, typo issues etc as I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now. Anyway...
Nothing really popped for me - i.e., I'd probably not read on. Everyone kind of has a normal life and they all kind of sound the same (their voices).
We know Amanda has a nice job, lovely co-workers and a boyfriend that is inattentive. Based on the foreshadowing we know she's going to meet a better dude on her trip. I'm guessing that they're probably going to butt heads over the development, be enemies at first and then fall in live for some Christmas related reason. My problem right now is that Amanda's problems just aren't interesting.
Shake it up - go out o |
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Hey, Steven.
Read the pages. Not sure why you say it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not that it's ordinary but it's nothing over the top or anything.
Anywho
I didn't like the fact she mentions Sam. Looks like we need to see him next but we don't. Then Curtis - for the sake of the first ten I'd introduce him later if at all.
Jakes intro is kind of lacks flow to me too.
I liked Amanda and what happened later (don't want to include a spoiler, but the thing they offered and the if part) That's really good. |
Kham,
Thanks for reading. Her mention of Sam is just to intro the kind of land deal she’s going to be negotiating later on, so that call and Sam with come into play la...
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It is on my watch list - just got a lot in the Que right now. |
Personally think this should shoot to the top |
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Hey, Zack! First of all, I agree that this was a quick, tense read. I'm with you on the ending as well - I didn't think it would dare to go there and I love that final, chilling image you leave us with.
SPOILERS
I think it could be interesting, if Mary had a "better" reason to choose Tyler, other than him being closest in reach (especially, if you plan to have this be a thing in a feature version), but maybe it would also make her character too dark and unsympathetic in this short version, I dunno.
I also would have liked to see the kids alone at some point and have them feel the Bogeyman's presence somehow, instead of only hearing them tell their mom about it. But since most of it is a dream, I can understand, if...
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Cuba Road (reply) |
Posted by: ChrisV
Date Posted: Yesterday, 2:00pm |
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Thanks for your input, will tweak.
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Thanks Khamanna for checking it out.
I do remember seeing one of your shorts you made once, but it's been a long time. I think you were in Texas at the time.
It is indeed very hard. I'm going to try to do my part, meaning going over it a hundred times and then discuss with editor before vacation. Dena has some festivals she'd like to see us enter with deadlines in January, so we'll see if we can make it.
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Hey, Steve:
Gave it a read, ignoring format, typo issues etc as I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now. Anyway...
Nothing really popped for me - i.e., I'd probably not read on. Everyone kind of has a normal life and they all kind of sound the same (their voices).
We know Amanda has a nice job, lovely co-workers and a boyfriend that is inattentive. Based on the foreshadowing we know she's going to meet a better dude on her trip. I'm guessing that they're probably going to butt heads over the development, be enemies at first and then fall in live for some Christmas related reason. My problem right now is that Amanda's problems just aren't interesting.
Shake it up - go out on the ledge a b...
Click here to read more ... |
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Hey, Steven.
Read the pages. Not sure why you say it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not that it's ordinary but it's nothing over the top or anything.
Anywho
I didn't like the fact she mentions Sam. Looks like we need to see him next but we don't. Then Curtis - for the sake of the first ten I'd introduce him later if at all.
Jakes intro is kind of lacks flow to me too.
I liked Amanda and what happened later (don't want to include a spoiler, but the thing they offered and the if part) That's really good. |
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| It is on my watch list - just got a lot in the Que right now. |
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Yeah I'm watching it (It's on the BBC here in blighty)
Very good indeed - I would say it's a must-watch if you are into your fantasy |
Just watched the most recent ep, outstanding stuff, and the trailer for what's coming next just looks even better.
I just love everything about it. Some excellent casting as well. Bring on next week! |
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Hey all. So, finishing up a new Christmas script and here's the first ten pages. Def not going to be everyone's cup of tea as it's aimed specifically at the Hallmark crowd, but any reads I can get would be cool. Thanks!
No logline yet, but basically it's big city lawyer goes to small town to finalize a deal and falls for a local photographer.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/889hmussy1naptu/A%20CHRISTMAS%20PORTRAIT.pdf?dl=0
Steve |
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| I want to tell everyone that I’m very appreciative of each and everyone’s feedback! One way or another you really highlighted the problems and gave me ideas how to work them out. No need for reads anymore as I have plenty to work with. I may try different approaches not only one. Thanks again! |
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Call On Me (reply) |
Posted by: khamanna
Date Posted: December 8th, 2019, 11:49am |
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Just read it, can’t believe it’s the first time I see this script. I really like it and thinking that Dave’s idea is pretty good. Hope it turns out something you like.
And yes, it’s so hard to shoot and make it alive. I tried both my own scripts and few others. It might be a great script but something is always off seemingly when you start shooting it.
I wanted to suggest cutting some of the dialogue but thinking you should keep it all. The details of their hardships is the essence of this movie so I really hope you’ll find the way to keep it all.
And the ending is pretty powerful. I happen to have a few depressed people in my life now and it just rang a bell for me. That’s very close to life. Very nice. |
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I really liked it and when I heard the V.O of Fremon saying "His unseeing eyes will lead the way" I got a little choked.
The only thing is the "Pheasant" houses should have been "Peasant"
Well done |
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| Thanks Col, I’ll have to try to make it less talky. I think I’m starting to know how, I just need to get to the core faster. And like James says quit dancing around it. But let’s see, easier said than done. |
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What's Left (reply) |
Posted by: AMRH
Date Posted: December 8th, 2019, 7:23am |
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I'm glad you enjoyed it !  At this point he made it to New York, did he find the girl? I don't know yet. This could be the beginning and ending scene depends upon where the characters take me. |
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Karma (reply) |
Posted by: Kirsten
Date Posted: December 8th, 2019, 6:53am |
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Hi Subham,
I tried reading this but the bad formatting and writing put me off. I know it's hard to translate to English and it sucks cause that's a whole lot of 'other' work to be done, and can be overlooked if the story is good, but you need to get the formatting right also or no one's going to read this. Read other scripts and search online, the info is out there.
Here's what needs fixing formatting wise in the first action.
It should be INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
The boy is in the kitchen, so the slug needs to state that. You need to CAPITALIZE all the characters the first time they are introduced and the boy needs a name.
Keep at it, it's all learning, just read other scripts! |
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What's Left (reply) |
Posted by: Kirsten
Date Posted: December 8th, 2019, 6:32am |
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Hi there,
This is a good story, I enjoyed it and (SPOILERS!!!).....
the twist. I can see how it is the beginning of something big, and you've created a great hook, but it works well as short. I forgot it was apocalyptic, so the ending for me was more powerful. I wonder if you took out the apocalyptic part in the logline the twist would work better for the audience.
Because of my ignorance, I was asking questions such as why is this guy by a fire in the woods, why is this guy so quick to be offended, why does he have a gun in his pocket, why did he just shoot them all? Then with that great twist you answered all my questions, which is brilliant.
Good job....
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| Yeah, I loved the back and forths between Pacino and Stephen Graham too. The latter more than holds his own during those exchanges. |
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Call On Me (reply) |
Posted by: Angry Bear
Date Posted: December 7th, 2019, 9:31pm |
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| Thanks Libby! Having seen the rough cut, I think it's one of my better films that I have produced/directed, but as always there are glaring things that I wish I could've done better. This ain't easy! If you have your scripts produced, give the filmmakers a break when you watch the final film. |
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Well, the original link works, just not the updated links posted...
This script is twelve years old, Galin.
Feel free obviously to comment/review whatever scripts you like but be aware you might not/probably won't get any interaction after all this time.
Or, you might entice someone out of the woodwork.
P.S. Galin, PM'd you some SS Newb links FYI, and welcome to the site. |
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Call On Me (reply) |
Posted by: LC
Date Posted: December 7th, 2019, 6:41pm |
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Great idea, Dave. Fingers crossed it works for you, Pia.
I'm really looking forward to seeing this. |
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| The link no longer works. It's been a long time but if you're still working on this, it would be great to read the new version. |
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Showing 1 - 30 (15068 results found)
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