Vibration by BoJangles - Short - On the way home from his paper route, Caleb finds a Tickle Me Elmo in the sidewalk. When he takes it home, he feels something vibrating… 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey all, this is my first script posted here. I know that the logline isn't very good, but I really don't think that is that big of a deal. So, check it out if you want to. Just to forwarn you all, it isn't for everyone...

-Bo

EDIT: And thanks Don.

Ha.  I was expecting something twisted like Elmo turns into a killer, but this was just from out of nowhere.  I thought the "twist" was funny, but this is missing alot.  It seems more like a brief situational thing that you'd film for fun with your friends.  It lacks depth, basically, but that might be what you were going for.  Just something simple?

Two other things...

1) You didn't type THE END, which gives me the possible impression that this is part of something else or there's more to come.  Even if it's something short and sweet like this, you have to have THE END.

2) The logline is a big deal.  It's your way of marketing your script so other people will take the time to read and review it.  Even if you don't like your logline, never say that it isn't very good, because guaranteed that will turn people off on here from reading it.  Just for future reference

I can tell that you can write, you just need to expand!  Best of luck for the future!

Thank you very much for your thoughts on my script. I was going for something a little more simple than what I usually write. This is probably the shortest one I have in my collection... But I didn't want anyone to be put through hell since I've never gotten any real criticism except from friends.

Honestly, I think I can make a better short than this.

I have no idea what happened to THE END. I swear I typed it in... Maybe I forgot to save it or something, but that can easilly be fixed.

You are right about the logline, I have never been the greatest logline writer. They are probably the hardest part for me after finishing my script.

Anyways, thank you very much Greg. I will put you on my list of scripts to read over my extra long weekend.

-Bo

What a twist, but i agree with Greg, it needs more explaining. I'm not sure about the camera stuff in the first two paragraphs, is it a no no? can't remember. This was a strangely funny story.

Thank you, Ape. I was aiming for it to have a nice little twist at the end.

I do see what both of you mean by that it doesn't have much depth. This was meant to give the reader a nice chuckle at the end.

So, thank you both for taking time to read my short.

-Bo

EDIT: Just noticed that another page was left out... Was this done on purpose??? That's why there was no end... Strange...

Great story, kinky and sweet at the same time, just like I like them. You'd have call it "Good Vibrations".

Review your fist sequence. No need camera directions and capitalize Caleb's name on his first appearance.

Would Andrea lend her toy to her friends?

Otherwise, I'm waiting for the missing page.

Michel

PS: is Channing (Tatum?) Andrea's toy name?

Quoted from Bojangles Just noticed that another page was left out... Was this done on purpose??? That's why there was no end... Strange...

I was going to read this next -- it sounds weird -- which I like -- but looking at your comments, it appears this is an incomplete version of the story.

Is that correct?

If so, resubmit this and give it a fresh bump when you've got the complete script up here.

Alright, I will do that Bert. Thank you for having some interest in my script.

Michel- Thanks, and yes, Andrea named her toy after Channing Tatum. Haha. The last page had an even bigger twist, so I'll go ahead and send this back to Don.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my script. Much appreciated...

-Bo

Yes Bo, please let me know when it is right.  I also felt it was unfinished and obviously that is true.
One question, why does the dildo just suddenly start vibrating?
I have no idea who Channing Tatum is, but I get the general idea.  Pretty clever.  I initially thought she was talking about a boyfriend.

-Bob

Thank you, RJW. When I post the version with the last page I will also fix that. Glad you liked it, and thanks for reading.

-Bo

Story (so far) is too obvious, for me anyway. Second I read "vibration" I knew a vibrator was coming, I expected it right away. Maybe that's just my smutty mind.

Maybe there's a better twist on the missing page/s though...

Thank you for your read, Vaughn. I'm sorry it wasn't as good for you, and yes, the last page had a bigger twist. Hopefully you read it once it gets reposted. : )

-Bo

The problem for me stems from the fact vibration is so close to vibrator, it's a natural assumption.

Maybe if you changed the title and made the noise "rubble" or "whirr", etc, might keep people off the trail.

I'll definitely check out the re-post, more out of curiousity than anything.

Sounds good, do you have any scripts that you'd like me to read?