Vibration by BoJangles - Short - On the way home from his paper route, Caleb finds a Tickle Me Elmo in the sidewalk. When he takes it home, he feels something vibrating… 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey all, this is my first script posted here. I know that the logline isn't very good, but I really don't think that is that big of a deal. So, check it out if you want to. Just to forwarn you all, it isn't for everyone...

-Bo

EDIT: And thanks Don.

Ha.  I was expecting something twisted like Elmo turns into a killer, but this was just from out of nowhere.  I thought the "twist" was funny, but this is missing alot.  It seems more like a brief situational thing that you'd film for fun with your friends.  It lacks depth, basically, but that might be what you were going for.  Just something simple?

Two other things...

1) You didn't type THE END, which gives me the possible impression that this is part of something else or there's more to come.  Even if it's something short and sweet like this, you have to have THE END.

2) The logline is a big deal.  It's your way of marketing your script so other people will take the time to read and review it.  Even if you don't like your logline, never say that it isn't very good, because guaranteed that will turn people off on here from reading it.  Just for future reference

I can tell that you can write, you just need to expand!  Best of luck for the future!

Thank you very much for your thoughts on my script. I was going for something a little more simple than what I usually write. This is probably the shortest one I have in my collection... But I didn't want anyone to be put through hell since I've never gotten any real criticism except from friends.

Honestly, I think I can make a better short than this.

I have no idea what happened to THE END. I swear I typed it in... Maybe I forgot to save it or something, but that can easilly be fixed.

You are right about the logline, I have never been the greatest logline writer. They are probably the hardest part for me after finishing my script.

Anyways, thank you very much Greg. I will put you on my list of scripts to read over my extra long weekend.

-Bo

What a twist, but i agree with Greg, it needs more explaining. I'm not sure about the camera stuff in the first two paragraphs, is it a no no? can't remember. This was a strangely funny story.

Thank you, Ape. I was aiming for it to have a nice little twist at the end.

I do see what both of you mean by that it doesn't have much depth. This was meant to give the reader a nice chuckle at the end.

So, thank you both for taking time to read my short.

-Bo

EDIT: Just noticed that another page was left out... Was this done on purpose??? That's why there was no end... Strange...

Great story, kinky and sweet at the same time, just like I like them. You'd have call it "Good Vibrations".

Review your fist sequence. No need camera directions and capitalize Caleb's name on his first appearance.

Would Andrea lend her toy to her friends?

Otherwise, I'm waiting for the missing page.

Michel

PS: is Channing (Tatum?) Andrea's toy name?

Quoted from Bojangles Just noticed that another page was left out... Was this done on purpose??? That's why there was no end... Strange...

I was going to read this next -- it sounds weird -- which I like -- but looking at your comments, it appears this is an incomplete version of the story.

Is that correct?

If so, resubmit this and give it a fresh bump when you've got the complete script up here.

Alright, I will do that Bert. Thank you for having some interest in my script.

Michel- Thanks, and yes, Andrea named her toy after Channing Tatum. Haha. The last page had an even bigger twist, so I'll go ahead and send this back to Don.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my script. Much appreciated...

-Bo

Yes Bo, please let me know when it is right.  I also felt it was unfinished and obviously that is true.
One question, why does the dildo just suddenly start vibrating?
I have no idea who Channing Tatum is, but I get the general idea.  Pretty clever.  I initially thought she was talking about a boyfriend.

-Bob

Thank you, RJW. When I post the version with the last page I will also fix that. Glad you liked it, and thanks for reading.

-Bo

Story (so far) is too obvious, for me anyway. Second I read "vibration" I knew a vibrator was coming, I expected it right away. Maybe that's just my smutty mind.

Maybe there's a better twist on the missing page/s though...

Thank you for your read, Vaughn. I'm sorry it wasn't as good for you, and yes, the last page had a bigger twist. Hopefully you read it once it gets reposted. : )

-Bo

The problem for me stems from the fact vibration is so close to vibrator, it's a natural assumption.

Maybe if you changed the title and made the noise "rubble" or "whirr", etc, might keep people off the trail.

I'll definitely check out the re-post, more out of curiousity than anything.

Sounds good, do you have any scripts that you'd like me to read?

It's cool, I have a couple of 50+ page scripts, but I wouldn't ask you review those after I only did a 5 pager for you.

Whenver I have a short up, I'll call on that favour.

Hello Bo. Welcome to posting and review. This is a wonderful website for growth with your writing.

After reading your short, I agree that it ended abruptly. You have already addressed this issue and I look forward to reading your extra page.

You did a great job moving us around scenes and showing the script from different angles. The mom outside the door talking. The sister searching for Channing. Caleb looking around for the buzz. Hey there is your title "The Buzz."

Great job overall. I did feel however that your characters were a little flat. What I mean is that they were not three deminsional. No flaw, no trouble, etc. Now with the mom here flaw could have been that she was single and sexually frustrated. Maybe your other page will add to the deminsions of your characters.

I look forward to other shorts you write.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

Bo,

You do a pretty nice job of formatting, esp. for one so new to screenwriting.

The biggest problem for me is trying to understand how all of this works.  There are a lot of confusing scenes; holes that really need to be filled.

Anyway… some thoughts starting with Page 1.

Write with more economy… The sun peeks above the horizon.

Lose the camera angles.  They don’t add anything to your story anyway.

Caleb’s name on introduction needs to be Capped.

Drops “appears” to lose control.  In fact, you can drop the first half of that sentence. Just start with “he swerves… and loses control”

You don’t have to say “he looks back where he swerved.”  Tell us what he looked back at…  “a Tickle Me Elmo doll.”

You mention on P 2 that Elmo “sits with another stuffed animal.”  Uh, this is a guy’s room, right? A 12-year-old guy??  If he has another stuffed animal in his room, are you suggesting something… ?  Does he collect stuffed animals?  Or, is he a packrat and just collect odds and ends?

Why does Caleb bring the Elmo doll home?

This is a comedy, right?  It’s hard to tell early on what the tone is because it could be played straight or for laughs.

You give us a fairly detailed description of Andrea’s room.  But not much of Caleb’s room. This would give you an opportunity to bring out Caleb’s personality by telling us more about his environment.  It will also let us in on his quirks.

P 3 – I think Andrea is searching out of frustration rather than enthusiasm.

You might show Andrea flinging open her door before we see Mom.

Caleb runs around the room screaming, while holding a vibrator.  That’s slapstick in nature.  Is that your intent??

Rephrase: “Winona grabs Caleb when he is around the room again…”

I guess the vibe is Andrea’s, but I don’t understand why or how it got into Caleb’s room.  And under his bed.

Mom keeps addressing Andrea’s grades and doesn’t say anything her with the vibrator. Mom says early on that she needs to talk with Andrea about her grades.
After Andrea reclaims the “missing” vibrator, maybe mom should just say “We need to talk.”

Andrea is pretty vocal.  We see that early on.  Yet, when she finds out her missing vibrator was in Caleb's room, she says not a word.  Andrea should be ripping Caleb a new one.  She isn't embarrassed by the situation, because you tell us that she Stomps out of Caleb's bedroom.  Fix this.

Another writer already asked why the vibrator all of sudden starts vibrating.  I wondered the same.
Also, somebody else mentioned using Buzz as a title.  Actually he's got a point, because Caleb would probably Hear the Buzz and Feel the Vibration.

Your characters have the potential to be interesting.  It looks like you need more pages to flesh them out.

The missing last page might have sewn-up some loose ends.  But overall, I can’t figure out how this story is supposed to work.

And by your logline, you suggest Elmo plays a role in this story. But his role is minimal if anything. Now if Caleb beat the stuffings out of Elmo because he thought the doll was vibrating, well, that says a little more. But still leaves unanswered questions.

You might rethink how Elmo can play a pivotal role in this short, otherwise is the doll even necessary… ?

My apologies to you guys who have taken the time to review my script. I was away for the weekend with family. Thank you both very much.

Spencer- The last page made everything else worthwhile. I agree though, the characters definately need some work. Thanks.

Abe- I will fix everything that you told me I should work on. The last page does sew everything together, and it also includes another character. I do hope you read the version with the missing page, it helps a lot.

I'm also thinking about putting Elmo's roll into play. You're right.

Thanks everyone for reviewing my script... Do you have anything on the site Abe? I think I read one of Spencer's, but if I didn't fill me in.

-Bo

I told you I'd read this!

Anyways, I liked your descriptions...


Now, I haven't read any of the comments people have left you so far, but I know someone had to say not to use camera angles unless you plan on filming this. Also, you forgot to capitalize Caleb's name when you first introduced him. I'm sure someone has said that also.

I first thought Andrea was part of another family, and that it was her Elmo that she lost, but then I realized she was part of the same family at the end.

No offense, but I sort of saw what was coming at the end. I mean, the only things I know that vibrate are Tickle Me Elmos, those spikey balls that little three-year-olds get for their birthday, and...



SPOILERS!!!!!!!







...Dildos.


But yeah this was funny. I liked the ending.

Sean

I wish the last page had come with this. It would have probably been even more funnier than it was now. Oh well...

Thanks Sean. I'll get a review in either tonight or tomorrow.

I had a feeling from the title what this might be about and I was right.

This had a good set up and the pay off was funny, I luaghed, I was waiting for it.

What I don't get was if the mother was upset with  Andrea or not, cause I don't see THAT being something a mother wold get mad over, I'm sure she has one of those herself.

I thought it ended a little too quickly though, it just cut short, maybe another gag or something would help.

Anyways this was pretty funny and it put a smile on my face.  Good work

Thanks for your review Jordan. It seems like everyone has enjoyed it, but there is something about it that they don't. I think once I post the version with the last page, it will fulfill the readers need.

And yes... There will be gags.



-Bo

Yeah I really enjoyed this script a lot and unlike everyone else, I, for one, did not see that coming.  
The jumping around between Caleb and Andrea confused me quite a bit in the beginning until I worked things out in my mind.  I have to agree with Sean about Andrea loosing her Tickle Me Elmo and I think you should definately give it a little more meaning or else it is somewhat unneeded.  I do want to read the last page though if it has an even bigger twist.
It reminds me of some of my shorter scripts that I make to film.

Thank you very much, Brand New. I see that you are brand new to Simply Scripts...

Welcome, this is a very good way to start off on this site, because when the time comes when your script is posted, and you have reviews given out for many scripts, you will get many reviews.

I think you might have mistaken Andrea for losing her Tickle Me Elmo. She lost her... Channing... The kid just found the Elmo, and in the final page he is more involved with the script, as well as another family member.

Thanks everyone. You are all very kind.

This was a bit hit and miss for me, Bo. I enjoyed Caleb's dialogue and the way he spoke to Elmo. I also enjoyed the way the story jumped between Andrea looking for her dildo and Caleb checking out Elmo. The twist at the end was ok, but a little bit too coincidental for me.

Although, the descriptions were fairly clear, I thought they could be tightened up and you really need give more specific character descriptions; just saying their name and age is not enough.  

After reading your story I actually thought it would be more suspenseful if Elmo was an evil possessed doll, kind of like Chucky, that way you could cut between his frantic keeper looking for him and describing how dangerous he is, and Caleb reaching for him under the bed.

Or alternatively the audience could be led to believe, that Elmo was evil and dangerous, but the twist could be that he had Andrea’s dildo inside him. So it could be set up to be a horror of sorts, but then turn out to be a comedy.

'Good Vibrations' is another possible title. (yeah, the old Beach Boys tune)

Anyway, these are just a few of the thoughts I had after reading your script. Good luck with your next draft.