Vixen by Martin Lancaster - Short - When a farmer finds his livestock slaughtered, he sets out to hunt down the culprit, but encounters a predator far more deadly and cunning than a fox. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Martin.  This was the one for the Midnight Madness challenge, right?  Mystery and farming, as I recall.  Or something like that.

Congrats on placing.  I could hardly wait to give this a look.  And this is a nice piece of work, for sure -- but I might have been even more impressed had I not read Old Shuck in the past. There is a lot of that earlier story in this one, isn't there?

But most people will never be the wiser, and truth be told, it did little to diminish the story for me.

We get a nice quick start -- perhaps a few too many "we" in the opening -- but that is quickly forgiven once we see where we're going.  I'm not sure that scene would have been as effective written any other way.

This is followed by a nice, quick introduction to our characters. We know Ted right away, and Jess we know well enough for her limited role.  Aspirin for breakfast haha.  That line rings a little too true.  Perhaps you have had this line used on yourself before by some angry lass, Martin?

The mystery and menace rise quite effectively, given the length, but I do think you made a bit of a misstep when you had our schoolgirl tell Ted that he "will be front page news tomorrow."

I think you are telegraphing a bit too much there.  Telling us where this story is going, and giving too much away.  

But then, when we ultimately do find Ted, I was hoping for something a little better.  More graphic, more explicit, and somehow more appropriate.  Something where the punishment actually fits the crime.  But maybe that is just me.

Or are you implying that Ted did this to himself?  Because that works, too.  Thinking about it now, I'll just assume that kind of ambiguity was your intent.  I like it better now.  Let me know if I am giving you too much credit haha.  But I'll bet I'm not.

Nice work, Martin.  Not your best.  But damn fine for a week.  Good luck in the next round.  Show those guys who they're dealing with, OK?

Hey Martin.  This was a pretty c0ol script.  It never dragged on and it moved along pretty quickly.  I liked the way it started off, at first I was wondering why there were all these "we see's" but it made sense later on.  I actually didn't know where this script was going and it kept me interested.  Once the fox morphed into the girl it all started to make sense.  I also liked how Ted seemed like a regular fella, i would never have seen him as the kind a guy that would do what he did, but you always see people on the news after a killer is caught they ask his neighbors what he was like and they are always like "He didn't seem like the kind of person that would do something like this", so that all made sense.

All in all this was a fun and tight read, it also had some good gore and I'm always up for a little gore :D.  good job

Hey Martin,

Nice read. I have to agree that the pacing worked very well. I like how it was actually somewhat restrained. It could have easily gone over the top, the "Schoolgirl" being overly explicit or Ted being filleted by the schoolgirl/fox. I didn't initially think about Ted commiting suicide until I read Bert's review. If that's your intent, you may want to tweek it a little more to that direction. If ambigouity is your goal though, it was perfect. Good show.

Thanks guys.

Bert, if this feels familiar to you it's probably not just because of Old Shuck. I've been playing around with the fox/temptress idea for a while now and I think you read the first act of 'Without Sin' which is pretty similar in concept. In fact, I lifted the opening description directly from that script so I've resorted to plagiarising myself :)

The ending is deliberately ambiguous but it could probably use some tweaking. It could be a dream, it could be the ghost of the girl he killed, it could be some vengeful underworld spirit righting his wrongs. Either way, the idea is that he's driven to suicide and hangs himself by the girl's school tie- a symbol of his wrong-doing. Whether it's some spiritual being that drives him to this, or merely his own guilt is something I wanted to leave open.

Whenever I see reports of missing/murdered schoolgirls and the media frenzy that so often surrounds the case, I always wonder what goes through the minds of the culprits when their crime is so prominent in the news to the point where it's inescapable. That's the kind of feeling I was trying to explore with this and it's something I'll focus on if I ever get around to a rewrite.

Thanks for your comments.

As for the final round of the contest, I think I wrote a bit of a turkey and I'm ashamed to let anyone read it...

Before you ask, the answer is no :)

Quoted from Martin As for the final round of the contest, I think I wrote a bit of a turkey and I'm ashamed to let anyone read it...

Yeah...but you always say that kinda' shit.  You are like those geeky kids in school that whine about how awful they did on the test and then get, like, a 95.

I had forgotten "Without Sin".  That would explain the deja vu for sure.  

Good luck, anyway...

I read this one at NYCMM. I thought it was good.

I agree with Bert, I bet your final script is great even if you only had 24hours.

If it really is a turkey, maybe you'll let us read it for Thanksgiving?

Quoted from tomson If it really is a turkey, maybe you'll let us read it for Thanksgiving?

Actually, I have another turkey coming out around Thanksgiving but I shouldn't really talk about that one...

Good job, Martin. I’m glad this one kicked some midnight a$$. Got a couple of comments, with spoilers of course.

The opening dream sequence was mesmerizing and it felt organic to the story since it foreshadowed the events to come.

I liked the chase. With a good score and camera work, this guy following the bloody trails would look very creepy on screen.

I saw it coming that Ted was going to shoot the schoolgirl. I wonder if the opening scene didn’t foreshadow too much, making you loose the surprise factor on this plot point. Yet this wasn’t much of a problem for me since I was immediately intrigued where you would take it from there.

Then the hunted becomes the hunter with a subtle sexual tone which gives this tale a cool additional layer.

The schoolgirl’s motives and the revenge angle is nothing out of the ordinary. Not one of the highlights of this script, but appropriate considering the time/page constraints. And it was well executed. The TV session was a good resource to reveal the back story through visuals.

Overall this one worked pretty well and I can’t see any major flaws in it; you left only room for nitpicking.

I wish you good luck on the next round.

Great job on this script. You tell one heck of a story in a very short time.

Aside from a few grammatical errors, I have no problems with it. The pacing, action, and dialogue were all seamless. You really paint a picture for the reader without revealing too much. It feels like something we want to know more of, even though there's nothing left.

I really liked the title, too. Very sensual and eerie. Keep writing.

Hey Martin,

This was a pretty good read and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought so; congrats on placing for the next round of Midnight Madness. Anyway, definitely an interesting concept you have here. The school girl was creepy and rightfully so, considering the dark past her and Ted share. I also liked how you were able to balance her human form with that of the fox in terms of screentime. Not often an easy feet. Good job on that. I can't find anything particularly wrong with this one. The ending was a tad predictable and I was a little disappointed by how much the intro gave away but then again, it certainly made the later scenes more suspenseful.

Overall, I liked it and I'm glad it got you to the next round of the contest.

BTW, Ted Askew? As in a tad askew? The name seems like an interesting play on words and led me to assume there was something more to him than just a hangover. Was this intentional? I'd think it would be.

Oohh. Fox woman. WTF?? O__O

Okay well that is kinda creepy so well done.

There were a few misformattings (is that even a word? haha) throughout such as a piece of dialogue treated as an action sequence here and there. Just read it over and you should spot them.

I really, really liked your descriptions. Tight and satisfying without being too wordy. I wasn't bored once and I could picture absolutely everything in my head.  

A producer could easily pick this up, maybe if extended, as a MoH episodeor something. I dunno. I just think it has potential.

Excellent writing, pacing, characterization, and dialogue....Everything was there. The concept may have seemed campy but you pulled it off amazingly well and managed to make it creepy and suspenseful.  

The fact that you managed to turn something as cheesy as a Fox/Woman and make it into a REAL Horror short shows you have great talent.

Great work and I hope to read more from you. Damn . My first fully positive review in a month -.- Oh well, life goes on...

--Julio

I really really liked the opening sequence, definetely my fav part of this script. The pacing in the first half was was great, never lacking, never left me bored.

The one thing i had a problem with, personally, was the line "you want me don't you?"... You seem to be a good writer, was that the best that popped into your head for her big opening line?

And now i'm more than half way through, and when this girl/fox/vixen talks, it feels like nails on a chalkboard for me. Midway through, when her mystery is gone, she sounds like a 15 year old dirrty horny girl who's looking for "playtime" and revenge...But mostly playtime, in a dirrty way.

OVERALL: loved the idea, LOVED the first half and everything about it (lines, descriptions, ect ect) THEN came the second half, which personally i've seen done plenty of times, only better.

Good luck with whatever projects you're working on now.

Hey Martin; great story!

Great descriptions without being overly heavy. Really caught the visual of the country farm.

I liked the girl/fox although I don't know if staring down a fox would cause me to run in terror. Wolf, sure, but a fox, maybe not, unless it was rabid.

I got a kind of Poe-like impression with the fox and the murdered girl. They work within his tormented mind like the Tell-Tale heart, until he finally snaps and kills himself.

Joe

Wow, lots of reads. Thanks a lot guys, glad you enjoyed it.

James, Ted Askew isn't an intentional play on words, might just be my subconscious because, now you mention it, his moral compass is a tad askew :)

I've been busy at work the last month or so and I'm off on holiday for the next two weeks, but when I get back I'll dive into reading some scripts and I'll do my best to return the favour.

Thanks again.

hey this fox morph into girl thing. I've seen this somewhere before. Isn't this a chinese mythology?

I like the idea that the ghost of girl is sort of beyond the law of physics and can do as she please. Like turn into a fox. that was nifty.

This script is very ambiguous and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Was the fox spirit a real ghost out for revenge and attack man. Seemed about right until the gutted cat is later seen alive. So now I think the fox spirit is just a figment of man imagination and his guilt for killing girl and so he kill self.

I'll go with the second one.

Other than that good script and fun to read.  

Quoted from tonkatough hey this fox morph into girl thing. I've seen this somewhere before. Isn't this a chinese mythology?

I was wondering if anyone would catch that :)

Yeah, the fox/girl thing is inspired by the Kitsune in asian mythology.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitsune

The feature I'm working/procrastinating on follows the mythology quite closely. This short script was something of a spin-off from that.

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it. A few people have noted that the end is too ambiguous. To be honest, the animals being alive, and the fox leaving the house at the end were both elements I added as an afterthought. The fox leaving the house is at odds with the "it was all in his head" interpretation, so I should probably remove it.

Hey Martin,

I had to give this one a read since I think you are one of the best writers here.

I do like the idea of the girl/fox, and I agree that the fox leaving the house at the end should be ommitted. That way it was all in his head. I think that's a creepier ending, and a fitting one...

I read through this one twice because there were a couple of things that didn't seem quite right to me...

In the beginning, the girl is flirting with whoever, blowing him a kiss, then when he catches her, she turns into a fox.
Toward the end she says something like, I bet you wish you would have let me go now, don't you. And then something about his wife not giving it to him anymore...

Well, it didn't seem to me that she wanted to be let go. It seemed to me that she wanted it.

She also says that she wanted to be a singer, but her throat had been cut.
I don't know where that came from. ???

Maybe if the fox was held down, and was struggling or if she screamed then we'd realize she didn't want it... and it was all in his head.

And shouldn't we see a knife at some point if he did kill her?

Maybe if you showed the knife cutting the foxes throat after she morphed into the fox... then the whole story would be about how deranged his mind is.

Just my 2 cents.

Cindy

Hey Martin,

This has been sitting on my desktop for weeks and I finally got around to reading it.  As I've come to expect from you, descriptive, sharp imagery is a strong point here.  

As others have said, this is a very ambiguous story.  What is real and what isn't?  What's happening and what's a figment of the imagination?  At first I thought I knew where this was going, what with the dead animal corpses all over the place, but when you showed it from Jenny's perspective, it took on a whole other meaning.  Was Ted seeing things?  He mentions how he's hungover, so maybe he turned to alcoholism and his mind plays games with him -- he killed, so now all he sees is death.  I don't know, just one interpretation for ya.

Overall I enjoyed it very much.  At the end I was thinking, well, maybe there should be just a tad more explanation, but then I stepped back and took a look at the piece as a whole and I think you did just the fine with the way you have it.  I don't know if I've congratulated you on the placement, so congrats!  Good work!