Clementine by Stephen Brown - Short, Noir, Thriller - A protective father looks back at his daughter's wedding night, a night he will never forget. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ste,

Not sure about this one. I liked the dialogue but i had no interest in the story and i don't know if i got it right. Why did Clementine fight with Sam?

I like the part of dad protecting daughter, but in my opinion Terrence should have done something more about the fact that she killed her husband. Just think, what would a father do in that situation? Not sure if would do what Terrence did in the script.

Your writing is good, but this time it failed on me.

Cheers

Wasn't your best, but it was still good in my opinion.

I mean the girl was cheated on. I would've resorted to more "creative" measures to make sure my man(if i, uhh, went that way) wouldn't cheat. That's where i was dissapointed.

I maybe would've liked to see more creative measures taken.

Anyway, either way its a good job.

This is the second script I read from you that has that noir quality Is this a genre you feel confortable to write in?

Cool idea how you have the visuals tell the story and no dialouge except the voice over.  very striking.

This is a very simple story, but thou it might not look like much on paper, and yeah it is pretty ordinary, it is the foundation for what could be something special.  I reckon  a director and cinematographer (or whatever they're called) could have a blast with moody lighting and artistic composition to create dramamtic visuals to tell your story.  

Hi Ste,

Not bad.  Interesting.  I had to re-read it to see if the voice-overs worked, and I think they do.  I'm not sure how the thugs found out about Sam's dead body.  My only lingering thought.

It seems like you're putting more into the description in this script compared with previous works.  Sometimes I felt was a little too much.

Aside from that, it was good.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Ste

Your descriptions were great here and the V.O. worked well too. I have to second Javier's comment though, how did the thugs know about Sam's body if it's still in the car?

I liked this and thought it was a good little short. Not the most original story but it worked well, nice work.

Thanks everyone

Yeah, I'm trying a few noir scripts at the moment. This one's been lingering on my computer for a couple of months. Decided to give it another edit and then post it. This was mainly just a writing exercise for myself.

Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out.

I don't know if this needs more explaining in the script, or if there's just enough info.

I showed it to someone and they were asking what had happened to Clementine? So I thought that would be the question from most people.

Anyway, cheers

Hey Ste

There is a lot of potential here. The majority of the above posts make good points & I think you'll learn alot from them. I too found the outcome of Clementine(or lack of) a little unsatisfying since the piece is named after her.

Your dialogue was spot on. Even though we know very little about Terrence I became involved with him especially since he got left in the lurch by the guy on the phone. He is inherently a good person, just got caught up in this unfortunate situation. I think it's fair to say in a twisted kind of way that he his intentions are good here, he is protecting his "one & only daughter"

I particularly liked your prose throughout the piece, contrary to Jayrex I found your descriptive language economical yet I could visualise the scene & what was going on.


Good work

Col.

Cheers Col

Pleased you liked the descriptions. I'll certainly take all the comments into account when it comes to revising this.

This is a great short script for characters and description. I wonder if the VOs are even necessary. Much of what is said in them could be conveyed through facial expressions and body language. It might make it seem more moody too.

Quoted from stebrown Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out.

I liked the script, but I totally didn't get this part of it. I think it could be explained a little more clearly.

Great idea, great script. I don't think a father's love can be explained any better than this. No need for more words. Good job.

James

Thanks James

Sounds interesting going without a VO, I'll certainly experiment with that.

Terence says 'Nobody said anything about any fucking phone call.' Then follows it up with 'that was the precise moment I knew I'd been had.' Do you think having a scene or two, showing the otherside of this - the person setting him up - would help?

I did like this script, so I may well work on it some more.

Cheers again

Hey Ste,

This was an awesome script. I'm a real fan of noir flicks, so this was a very enjoyable read. Firstly, I loved the opening scene of the script. Loved the descriptions of the cigarette smoking... friggin' awesome stuff mate. Your descriptions were perfect throughout... Some people have saiod that they were too long in places; I have to disagree. I thought they were the perfect length.

I noticed a typo - "Guess" from Terrence's V.O. on the first page of your script needs a capital- "guess it didn’t really register at the time."

Quoted from stebrown Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out. I don't know if this needs more explaining in the script, or if there's just enough info.

Yeah mate, make it a bit more explicit. Don't show a scene with the guy setting him up... Maybe change Terrence's dialogue to something like this:

                              TERENCE(V.O)
                Ya see, I was told to meet someone.
                In this town, in this hotel...in
                this very room. They were supposed
                to help me get rid of something.
                Something important. Something that
                I didn't want being linked back to me.

Or something along the lines of that... Then straight away we know that the person who Terrence is phoning up was meant to help him dispose of something, but there will still be an air of mystery, as we won't know what he is meant to be disposing.

And I would do one final scene to show the outcome of Clementine. The script is named after her, and she is way too important to just disappear into the background at the end. If you want her to die, maybe have like a final shot of the Thugs opening their trunk, and Clementine's body being in it. Or something like that. Don't make it a long scene- but I just felt a bit cheated when we didn't see any more of Clementine.

But yeah, this was a great script. I really enjoyed it. It reminded me of Sin City comics in a way... I could imagine it being filmed like that.

But keep up this good work, this was excellent. And thanks for your feed on my script 'A Long Way From Heaven', you gave me some useful pointers, which I have already edited into my script!

Cheers, Toby.

Cheers Toby, pleased you liked it.

Yeah, I've decided to write another draft of this. You know, there are two scripts that I've just sat down and started to write without having any idea what it was going to be about, just kinda going with the flow. One is this one, and the other is Big Stakes in my sig. Just weird that both of them have, in general, been received the best.

I think you're probably right about the scene setting up the double-cross. Terence is telling the story, so I guess I should be staying with him. I'll have a think about this one.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hey Ste.  Long time no talk.

Sorry, I've been kind of out of the Simply Scripts loop the past couple months, working mainly on short stories and now I'm doing research for a novel.  I plan on turning those short stories into scripts, though, so I'll be spending a lot more time around here and I'll be reading more of your stuff that I missed.

First of all...  Wow, what an improvement since the last of the stuff that I read from you.  Not that your stuff I read before was bad in the slightest, but right away, there's barely any faults or structural errors and everything reads crisp and clear.

I really liked how all the action dialogue is mit of sound and the brunt of the story is told in voiceover.  It gives it a different feel than other stories like this.

It kind of did get a little confusing with how the thugs appeared out of nowhere and the person who was supposed to help him get rid of the body.  Maybe an idea is to start it out with Terrence on the phone with the Disposer.  Still keep it mit of sound, but maybe show the Disposer on the phone talking to Terrence while he's at a restaurant, sitting across from Donatoni Collini himself, or at the wedding.  Then, instead of two unknown thugs, we can see a show down between Terrence and Donatoni himself.  It is his son, afterall.  I'd like the personal vengeance.

Just an idea, though.  The story is really good and works.

As for Clementine, I think the brutal way she assaulted Sam showed more than enough of her powerful character to name the story after her.  Or you could bring her back and save her father's life since he essentially saved hers.  Or avenge his death.

I'd give June a short introduction, though, and maybe name Terrence's wife.  If one weren't careful, it almost reads like Sam slept with Clementine's mom.  I think that's where a lot of confusion was coming from.

Welp, I think that's all I could think of for right now.  Like I said, I'll read some of your stuff I missed over the past 8 or 9 months and I'll talk to you later.

- Mark

I liked this script and you definitely have a crisp but descriptive writing style.  The story poses the interesting question of how far a father would go to protect his daughter.  The only problem I had with it was how abruptly it ended.  It felt rushed.  For a story called "Clementine," we never really find out what happened to the title character.

As it neared the end, I guess I was waiting for Clementine to sit up from the back seat and gun down the two thugs, showing just what kind of she-devil she really was.  Then she and her father would be on the run for the rest of their lives.  I think you could actually make a feature length script of this story if you wanted to.

Hey Ste,

The tone in this story and the plot (to a certain extent) reminded me somewhat of "Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead". I'm not really big on the whole noir genre - they're just too slow for me (I get impatient unhealthily easy).

This script though...man, I almost said something nice there but sorry, Ste, I just didn't like it. I found it to be too straight forward in a sense. It starts out with Terrence in trouble and it ends with Terrence in much worse trouble (dead). Imo. something is missing to complete the story. I personally thought that what he did - helping his daughter - would be a "normal" thing to do under the circumstances. That's also the reason why I didn't really get the OOOOH moment from this story. Had Terrence had a big argument with Clementine about how he didn't want her to marry Sam, then - him helping her out - would be much more powerful imo. Now it's basically just...yeah, big deal, so what.

The VOs works but they're redundant. The story actually works fine without them. Try skipping the VOs and you'll see that the story is still very clearly told through the visuals.

I guess the writing is fine I guess, and while agree with Mark that there's been a huge improvement from your first script to this one, I feel - after having read most of your scripts - that your writing is stagnating a bit. Does that sound too weird?

Cheers
Rob

Hey Mark, good to see ya back. Was wondering where you'd got to.

Yeah, I've been grafting away with the old writing. Still learning but glad you see an improvement. Look forward to seeing some new scripts from you.

I like your idea about seeing the other end of the phonecall. He could have sold Terrance out or Donatoni could have had his spies checking him out. I see where the story could be improved though, but....who said it wasn't Clementine's Mom? haha

Cam

Yeah the end needs a little work, mainly to bring Clementine back into it. I'm really wanting a depressing ending though, so maybe have Clementine be the one who sells out her Dad? That sounds rather mental.

Thanks for the reads/

Hey Rob, so I take it you didn't really like this one? Fair play.

As far as my understanding of Noir goes, the protagonist starts off in a bad situation and by the end of the story is in a worse situation. The V.O is mainly to go for a very old school sort of Private Eye type film. Never wrote anything like that so, as I said earlier, it was kind of just a writing exercise for myself. But it grew on me so decided to tidy it up and post it. Fair play if Noir isn't your bag though.

The stagnating comment...well, maybe I'm writing too many shorts. I set myself a target after a couple of months of this to finish my first feature by the end of the year. I'm clearly going to miss that target but I'm concentrating more on a couple of feature treatments and my adaptation, rather than shorts at the moment.

I have noticed you reading the majority of my scripts though, and I appreciate it. Your comments are well and truly on board.

Ta

Hey, excellent work on the script - you've managed to turn a not so interesting story into something... well, more interesting:)
Dialogue is good, and I enjoy the descriptions - really conveyed the story to me, gave it a somewhat 'Sin City' style atmosphere (that's what I got out of it anyway)
I agree with Toby's suggestion on how to make the plot point a little more explicit, but hey thats up to you.
Anyways, I liked it... can't wait to read some of your other works,
muchlove, Jayden :D

I like the general idea of this one and damned if it ain't got style but I've got serious problems with the whole confrontation between Clementine and Sam. Seriously. Is this guy retarded? Why would he think to cheat on their honeymoon where he's in constant proximity with his new wife. Obviously, he wasn't able to pull it off but more importantly, I have issues with him thinking he could. If he were to try it in somewhere on the wedding grounds before he actually gets to see his wife, it would make a lot more sense.

Even so, the escalation of conflict doesn't really work for me. She slaps him. He slaps her back... as if she's done something wrong. It doesn't make much sense to me. I think it would work better if Clementine's attack was a little more violent and he had to up the anti by acting in self defense. I don't think she would have been able to stomp him to death, even in high heels. If she hit him with some kind of object, I think it would make more sense.

Like I said, I like the overall setup. Everything else with Terrence and the thugs works perfectly. It's just this one section of the plot that I think needs attention.

Hope this helps.

Quoted from stebrown ...well, maybe I'm writing too many shorts.

I don't think you're writing too many, Ste, but sometimes quality has to outweigh quantity. I'm actually really impressed with guys like you who can write that many scripts (I simply don't have the good an imagination). I'm averaging three scripts a year, though I suspect - focusing entirely on features from now on - that that will be cut down to one.

Thanks for the reads.

Jayden, cheers for the comparison. I had black n white in mind when writing it, so yeah a kind of Sin City feel. Loved that film anyways.

James, I see what you're saying but Sam is supposed to be an arrogant prick. He's a spoilt rich kid because of his dad's power and wealth. Nobody's ever told him 'no' or corrected him for his mistakes. That's why he cheats in a really stupid way and then acts as if Clementine's done something wrong by slapping him. I do see what you're saying though, I think with an extension it would clear that scene up a little.

Rob, I hear ya. I'm writing a short a month with moviepoet now, so that's pretty much all I have time for, what with trying to write a feature. This script was written about three months ago, but then I did another draft and submitted it. I'm slowly trying to learn the meaning of the word 'patience' when it comes to writing.

Stephen,

you have a great writing style. I know I've said it before, but when you hear it more than once you need to start thinking there might be something to it.

This one sort of felt like a MP script that went longer than the 5 pages. Was it an entry there?

On to the story...

You start this without specifying where in time we are. That usually means we assume it's the present, but the script ends with something totally different specifically mentioned to be in the present. I think you need to clarify where in time we are in the first scene heading so this doesn't make things so confusing.

I liked that Clementine killed rather than the guy which seems to be more like the norm. Sam was an ass IMO so I was with Clementine for sure.

altar not alter  :)  second time I had to comment on that word in 24hrs!

Over all I think you did well with this.

You're doing well Stephen and I like your SS entry!  ;)

Thanks Pia, I have two oldish scripts having recent bump ups now :)

This one was another experiment. Mainly, I wanted to try an out and out Noir script. I also wanted to try telling the whole story through a flashback, with a VO. It was a good thing to try and for what it is I quite like this one. The ending could have maybe done with something else, not sure what.

This was just for myself, not an entry for MP. I think it was around the time of the backwards scripts though, so that probably led to the initial idea.

I appreciate your compliments about my writing style, a few others have said the same. I think that's just my natural style as I have never really changed it. I'm trying to push on this year so I have a better chance at doing that MA in Creative Writing next summer. Going to be doing a ten-week course in a couple of months so hopefully you'll spot more improvement.

Ste

P.S. Thanks for taking a look at my episode. I'm about finished the first act now but the treatment is complete, so should be finished by the middle-end of next week.