Crime Fight by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - One victim, one wallet full of cash, two muggers after the same thing. One hell of a Crime Fight! 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Glenn, read and enjoyed this, it made me smile. Hopefully I'm not finding inadvertant comedy in what was supposed to be a deadly-straight short! But I don't think so; think some of the comedy worked really well. The two fighting over such a small amount of money was amusing. This was almost like a cartoon in the way the violence occured - Tom vs. Sylvester, if you like.

This is really no more than a thought: could you do the final scene without Roxy speaking? I mean, would that work? You've come so far without dialogue and it's been successful, but nothing Roxy says is particularly comedic. So would it work without her speaking, making this a dialogue-free short? Just the image of her standing there, screaming, Macing the two of them but not saying any words, seems to me it might be funnier. But that really is just a thought.

I wasn't a huge fan of Jack...would another type of character that fulfilled the same role be possible? Like a really drunk, really friendly cool-kid, who keeps trying to hug the Crim as he takes his wallet. Again, merely a suggestion.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

Jon

Tonka,

you've read a lot lately so when I saw your script I wanted to read it right away.

Jordan street? Mace? Hmmm... were these inspired by something that happened recently in Vancouver?  ;D

I think your writing is fine. Not a whole lot to complain about there.

I think my only problem here is that it's basically just a 5 minute action film leading up to a semi interesting ending/pay-off. It's almost just a build-up to a joke. I admit that them fighting about a ten dollar bill is amusing, but I'm not so sure there is a "story" here if you know what I mean.

You start out with Jack. I thought he was going to be an important character so I paid close attention to him, but he he's dropped out of the story mid-way or so. Then I was thinking, okay so this is really about Grim and Mug and then you introduce Roxy and she becomes important in the end. This doesn't really make for good character development. By that I mean that I was lost as far as who I should be rooting for.

As an action piece with an amusing end I guess it works, but as a story there isn't really a whole lot there.

I hope you take this as intended. My honest thoughts.

As a last thought/suggestion, what if Jack somehow came back and did something unexpected ending up with the money and the girl. That would make the story come full circle...I think.

Pia  :-)

I actually thought this was going to be dialogue free, but that's probably got more to do with my knowing that you don't like dialogue vs the fact that this went so long without actually having any. :)

I think Jack served his purpose of getting the ball rolling, so to speak, but he could possibly be brought back in again at the end, as Pia said, for full circle purposes.

I seem to remember another script on here, way back when, where two people were trying to rob the same house, and I think it even got produced, so there's a positive for you there.

Anyway, the action was pretty crisp, and the dialogue you added in did work, although it's probably not that necessary.  Going with Jonnyboy's suggestion would give the same effect, while shortening it.

Hey Glenn,

I liked your script.  Quick and easy to read.  Very quick.

Jack's character came and went.  Crim & Mug fight it out over ten dollars.  This is funny and Roxy served her purpose.  I just think it needs a bigger pay off, so to speak.

I think you need to add importance to the ten dollars.  Whereas dialogue hasn't been used most of the way.  Jack can come back, but is fine that he's left.  I propose Crim or Mug saying a quick one liner.  And while saying that line, they cry like a baby while they say it.

A nice script that although has a neat & tidy finish.  Just needs that little bit of extra spice to top it off.

All the best,


Javier

Ah, I knew all that script reading would pay off.

Thanks for the reads.

Johnny Boy

I promise I will look out for your first screenplay ever and read it. I owe you one.


Me

Was my script inspired by such and such a post? Actually- no. I am not that quick a writer to whip up something on the spot. And if I could I would flood these discussion boards with dozens of my short scripts.  

Shelton

No ,no. You got it wrong. I love dialouge but only in moderation. Chittychatterlouge I'm not a big fan off thou.  

Jayrex.

It's funny but I never intended this script to be funny. I was trying to be Ironic- which I guess is the corner stone of comedy- maybe, but I'm not sure.

Hey Glenn,

You damn filthy liar, you promised to post scripts after 2008. Hahaha. Ok, y'know i'm jokking.

I see you expanded the idea into something more and added the Mug, If i remember well there was no Mug before.

I did really enjoy it, but I have one suggestion: try and make it without dialogue, I don't think you really need Roxy talking.

You wrote it great, and i like this line of action: With a savage war cry that would make Xena proud.... hehehe.

Well done mate.

Yes well that's what happens NIK. Haha.   You said the script needed more when I first proposed it to you and that is exactly what I did. Which is good cause the script is better for it.

Thanks for the read-  again.

Oh yeah and Xena rocks hard and I have a huge crush on Lucy Lawless.  

I knew this was going to be good when I read:

Quoted from Crime Fight            Somewhere in the night . . . EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Even though it follows all conventions. Maybe it was the rule of three tickling my giggle button or something but that had me laughing.

This reminded me of the Family Guy episodes where Peter and that chicken beat the he!! out of each other. I think this would be hilarious on screen, but the ending seemed a little off. I didn't understand the purpose of Roxy in the script. I got the irony of the two men fighting over ten bucks while scads of money were pouring out of the ATM, but the character didn't do anything for me.

Great writing, action-packed.

James

Whats Good

I realy like this script and I found it very funny and disturbing at the same time.
I liked the way you described the fighting scenes between MUGS and CRIM like "Mug puts up a frantic struggle, kicks his legs, swings his arms. His thrashing body pushes him off the bench."

That women at the end seemed to be helpless and vulnerable but she ended up being really brave in the way she took care of those guys.

All in all nice.

Matthew

Hey Glenn,

Damn, I loved your introduction of Jack: "middle aged man with a middle age spread. A typical tradesman, husband, father". BAM, there it is - perfect.

I, like Shelton, thought you were gonna go through the whole script without dialogue and it sorta bummed me out when Roxy started talking. I don't know why, it just did. Actually, I didn't like Roxy's character at all, I thought this was gonna be an all-guy script. They way she comes in makes the script feel sorta disjointed. I liked it up to that point but then it fell apart for me. I think you should stick with the three guys and bring in Jack at the end - and have him regain his ten bucks, that would be cool imo.

Yeah, I noticed "Jordan Street" right away. That was nicely done, mate.

Cheers
Rob

Tonkatough

I've gone in on the blindside & notread any oter comments so forgive me if I relay some of whats already being said.

I was immediately drawn in by the first scene with the two sizing up possible prey, definitely an attention grabber.

My only problem with it is them being so close to the club, would there not be a lot of people around? I would follow Jack untill he turned a corner before introducing the two menaces.

The Crim shakes his fox mask head, his body language says:
“Why me?” a strange emotion to come from a the guy who just beat & mugged the poor man lying in the middle of the road.


"The Mug charges across the road, the panty-hose legs flap
behind his head like two octopus limbs."

Ha, presumably unintentional but this is quite a funny image you conjured here. Any mugger who wears panty-hose in the first place provides a laugh for me (besides the obvious danger element of course)

!Slowly, quietly, a plastic fox face rises up from behind
the Mug."

Same as above, I dunno if you mean this but another hilarious visual is running through my head.

Pg 5 - "Crim lunges at Mug, skips sideways to avoid a knife strike." -- should "who" be before skips?


After reading the ending I'm starting to think that comedy is whats intended here, with Roxy's freakout conflicting with her "spoilt little rich girl" impression so much.

The fact that we have followed these dangerous tho bungling degenerates for the duration of the story so for us to see their asses getting whooped by a Paris Hilton wannabe doesn't isn't what we expect.

This would translate well on to screen especially the Crim & Mug masks, which would work very well as a visual gag.

And all over a measly tenner.

Entertaining piece, although I have read better stuff from you.

Cheers.

Col

Hey thanks for the read people.

I don't get how everyone finds this script funny where a masked man pops out from around a corner and sneeks about in the dark. C'mon people, haven't you seen The Strangers?  The masked people in that movie where so freaky and spooky you have to invent a new word Frooky to explain it.

Haha. I got a good couple of laughs from this. Loved Roxy's war cry and the scene where Crim rises up behind Mug. Both made me laugh. This is supposed to be funny, right?

Format was great. The script was very well written and the descriptions where nice.

I didn't like how no one talked until the very end. I think you should cut all of the dialog. You'd have to change the ending to do so, but that wouldn't be too hard. After Roxy maces the two guys, SHE should grab the 10$ and run off. I think that'd be fuuny.

Anyways, good read. I liked it.

~Zack

Thanks for the read Zack.  Love your idea where Roxy grab the ten dollar. That is cool and so in with her character. Greedy, materilistic little vixen.

Glenn,

It kind of reminded me of Spy vs Spy and it was a thumping good read.  The two of them fighting over ten dollars is classic.

I thought at first you were going to go completely silent and was surprised when you started the dialogue - not that it was an unpleasant surprise.  I dug Roxy.  I think though she could talk about herself in the third person.  Like instead of "No one steals my money" she could say "No one steals Roxy's money".  The character kind of struck me like that.

I think the SUPER in the beginning isn't really needed.  It probably was a good kickoff while writing, and you probably thought you would use more, but you didn't and you don't really need it.

The other thing I think is that you should introduce Roxy at the very beginning.  Have Jack unsuccessfully hit on her as he leaves the nightclub or something like that.  IMHO it would add so much to the ending.

Good work, always a pleasure to read your scripts.

Hey Glenn,

I enjoyed this one quite a bit.  It reminded me of a gritty Looney Tunes type story line.  Two crooks battling over a 10-spot is a great premise – especially when they become so focused on their “prize” that they miss out on a bigger score with Roxy.  

Jack is a good target for these guys, but I think you could do more with this guy.  For one, I’d like to see him be more deserving of getting mugged.  Maybe if after he staggers out of the nightclub we see him pull his wedding ring out of his pocket and put it on, or some little thing that lessens our sympathy for him as a victim.

I have seen your panty-hose gag used before a few times.  I do like the imagery, however, as I pictured Mug as more of a rabbit – which goes nicely with Crim’s fox.  Unfortunately, you used octopus and tentacle allusions, which I didn’t think worked so well.  

I thought Crim’s attack on Jack was a bit too harsh.  Knocking him down is one thing, but beating him bloody seemed too over the top for me – especially with the comedic tone.  Maybe if he jumps out at him, Jack startles and tries to run, trips over his own feet, falls and konks his head on the sidewalk.  This achieves the same end in a funnier, less vicious, way.

I like the bit about Jack running and passing out in the road, and Crim having enough of a conscience to go help him (this would also fit better if he doesn’t beat Jack bloody earlier).  The only glitch here is Jack just ups and runs away screaming like a little girl after getting the upper hand.  This is a very funny visual, but I think it needs to be motivated by something.  Maybe you could set it up so he chokes Crim from behind, and when they fall he rains punches down on the back of Crim’s head while he’s in the fetal position.  When he rolls Crim over to punch him in the face he sees the fox mask for the first time and freaks out, then he runs screaming into the night.  You need something like that to transition from beating him to a pulp and running away screaming.

I love the fight in the park.  You have these guys delivering quite a few competent kicks, but I think it could be even funnier if neither one could really fight that well.  I love the image of one catching the other’s leg mid-kick and hopping around.  How about if they both try to kick each other at the same time, and they each catch each other’s leg, so they're both hopping around shouting “Let go!” “No, you let go!”  I saw something like this in a real “fight” between two guys who were holding onto each other and both trying to knee the other guy in the crotch.  It was hysterical watching them spinning in a circle trying to nail each other in the nads!  I’d love to see a few more comical fight moves in this part.

I think the Roxy scene is probably the best.  I think it’s great that they’re fighting over the ten dollars, when hundreds of dollars are right there for the picking.  Even better is the fact that Roxy is so self-absorbed that she can’t see that they aren’t even paying attention to her, and insists on believing they are after her and her money.  Excellent stuff!  I think I saw someone suggest her using the line, “No one steals Roxy’s money!”  That works perfectly.

The biggest thing that didn’t work for me was ending it where and how you did.  I think you need one more beat to bring this together.  It might be funny if one of the guys gets the 10, Roxy sprays him and he drops the bill.  The other one grabs it, laughing in triumph, then he gets sprayed as well, and Roxy takes off.   The battle could then continue on, with them half-blind.  If they could end up back out in front of the nightclub (bringing it full circle), where they are nearly dead of exhaustion, and one finally comes out on top, only to have Jack run past and snatch the bill out of his hand (maybe following up with a right cross), and the victor collapses on top of his nemesis in total defeat.

Format/Mechanical Notes:
General: I’m not crazy about how you handle the names.  I like Mug, but sometimes you refer to him as “the Mug.”  I don’t like Crim, and I really don’t like “the Crim.”
Pg. 1: Try introducing Mug and Crim when they first appear, rather than introducing them as “A Man” then naming and describing them afterward.
Pg. 1: “...all the grace of a baby...” – great line!
Pg. 1: “telegraph pole” – I haven’t heard them called that since 1894.  How about “telephone pole”?
Pg. 2: “to heavy” should be “too heavy”
Pg. 2: “The Crim’s breaths hard” should be “The Crim breathes hard”
Pg. 2: “breath easier” should be “breathe easier”
Pg. 2: “tighten’s” should be “tightens”
Pg. 3: “The Crim lays” should be “The Crim lies”
Pg.  2/3: “head lights” should be “headlights” (one word)
Pg. 3: “breaths hard” should be “breathes hard”
Pg. 4: “than goes bug eyed” should be “then goes bug eyed”
Pg. 4: “in a slinky club dress and enough jewelry on herself for two women.” – sounds awkward.  Maybe, “in a slinky club dress and wearing enough jewelry for two women.”?
Pg. 4: “ATM machine” should be just “ATM” – Automatic Teller Machine (no need for the second machine).
Pg. 4: “hot on his heel” should be “hot on his heels”
Pg. 4: “by his top” – does this mean “by his shirt”?
Pg. 4: If this is set in the U.S., I’ve never seen an ATM that dispenses 50 dollar bills (maybe at a casino).
Pg. 5: Since “Mace” is a trademarked name, you might want to use “pepper spray” instead.
Pg. 6: “coats their face” should be “coats their faces”

You’ve got a very funny story going here that I think you can make even funnier with some more work.  Good luck!

Hey Glenn,

Haha, I enjoyed this one. Even though you yourself didn't intend it to be funny, I think it certainly was. I'm not sure if I should say 'good job!' on that, because it wasn't on purpose ;) But it worked!

I have to agree with the rest that cutting all of the dialogue would work better. You could maybe rewrite it in such a way that Roxy doesn't speak, maces them and runs off, leaving Crim and Mug alone on the pavement. I'm picturing suspenseful music during the entire fight, which comes to an abrupt stop when they're maced by Roxy. A little bit of tormented dialogue between Crim and Mug could work then, I guess. Anyway, I love the scene where they're still fighting over 10 dollars while a big dollar sign (Roxy) is standing right beside them!

In my opinion you already did a great job on this draft :)

I really enjoyed reading this, I can't help to feel sorry for Mug and Crim. After all that just to get a simple 10 dollar bill they end up losing it with no effort put forth to Roxy.  

Formatting was great, very easy to read and flowed well too. I have no problems with the characters either.

I found it really funny how Mug used pantyhose as a mask, to me it seems like the very last thing to use as a mask becuase it makes you look like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.

The mask that Crim chose, very unusually but excellent at the same time. I also beleived that deep down Crim was a good guy forced to do bad things after that incident with Jack on the road. Then Jack beating the crap out of him on that road.

Great short Tonkatough,

Ah yes the old pantyhose over the head routine. The visual discription I must confess is hardly original or I can call my own. It is actually a tribute to one of my fav actors Nicolas (Sailor) Cage and the Super cool movie Raizing Arizona where he robs a shop with his head squeezed into a tight pantyhose and the legs bits flapping about at the back of his head.

Thanks for the read people.

Hey Glenn

Don't know why I haven't read this before but read it a couple of times today. As with your other two shorts, I thought it was a great idea and you pulled it off well.

Just have a few thoughts about it.

I don't know whether night clubs are different in Aus, but in England they are mainly for younger people. So, Jack, middle aged man, to be coming out of one seemed a little odd. Maybe a strip bar or a just a bar would work better. I know he's not the main character of this so no biggy.

The way you introduce the characters, I would just start off calling them MUG or CRIM. I like the way you identify them, because it makes everything clear from that point in. But you're using two seperate lines after the introductions to say 'He is MUG...' and 'He is the CRIM'. Also, 'He is MUG the mugger, watches Jack's every move' read a little awkward for me. I think, just coming out straight away and saying 'MUG pops up from behind....' and 'CRIM, a slender man in a black...' would clear up those two problems.

I thought all the action lines apart from that were really concise and for a script with so little dialogue it was a really fast read.

Another, slight problem I had was with the wallet. Why would Crim throw away the credit cards and be so happy with ten dollars? Surely the credit cards would be worth a lot more?

The Roxy part was a little bit strange. Maybe that's just because I thought this would be a no dialogue script and then it starts on page 5 of a 6 pager. I can't put my finger on it, but it just kinda felt weird to me and didn't really match the rest of the script. Maybe if she just watches them fight over the note until they both get knocked out and then she picks up the unguarded money? You might need to change her from a rich girl to a homeless girl though, but they're just my thoughts.

I did like it though and, as usual, was a really original idea.

Good stuff

Ste

hey glen. i'm reading your shorts one by one!  i made the mistake( as always) of reading some of the other comments before reading this! there were heaps which is good value. anyway, my 2 bob's worth:  as i said i haven't read many shorts on this site, mainly because i couldn't see myself doing one. i admire the guys who do them though, especially after doing the recent challenge. writing a much smaller amount and having a resolution is hard work so hats off to the lads!

you write very fluently with good descriptions. the only thing i can add to the other reviews is i would've liked to have seen it left completely dialogue free! a modern silent film!
maybe with some old style subtitles. i dunno, that would've been a more richer ending, but that's just my opinion. cheers

Thanks for the read Steve.

Oh and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading not one but Four of my scripts in one sitting. A Mega-Tonka marathon if ever there was one.

That is an amazing effort. Hey Bert and Don doesn't this deserve a golden boy award or a hounorable mention or something.

I promise I will read your feature God's Dartboard this weekend

Stevie, you've been a wonderful audience, thank you, good night and God bless.    

That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read.  What a blast of mixed up crazy crap!!  It strikes me as something Guy Ritchie would dream up for two of his hapless thugs.  :)

I can't help it, but I picture Mr, Incredible as MUG!!

"With a savage war cry that would make Xena proud"

I LOVE THAT!!

Also i loved that your writing seemed fluid and the actions were paced really well. Seven pages with mostly description, people tend to go onto novel territory. You didn't.

You did however put on some good visuals for my imagination. The pantyhouse bit...never really can get old. To me anyway. Also, Roxy, to me she was gold. I liked her a lot.

I think there is a suggestion somewhere in the comments that Roxy should refer to ehrself in the third person.

"No one steals Roxy's money!" would sort of be classic and really define her. If not then definetely ignore me.

Thanks the read people,  

Steve8

I've seen every gangster movie from Mr. Madonna and I have no idea who Mr. Incredible is- Oh wait you don't mean that Mr. Incredible from that Pixar superhero  movie?

Brymo

Yeah, if I could I would drop Xena in all my scripts. She is that awesome,. Yes she is, my entire Xena DVD collection proves it.  

Plus I have a crush on Lucy Lawless.

Yes, THE Mr. Incredible from the PIXAR flick, and who DOESN'T have a crush on Ms. Lawless. . .including her blonde female costar!!  :)

tonka,

Sorry to join in on the discussion late, hopefully I have some new things to add. I really liked the criminal throwing away the credit cards at the beginning in order to get to the 10. That seemed to be the first sign that this would be a comedy.

I hate to echo everyone else's comments but I felt the ending was a bit of a letdown. You have the great physical comedy accompanied by the ridiculousness of fighting over a 10 dollar bill and then a bland ending where Roxy comes out of nowhere and leads to their arrest.

I like the idea of Roxy screaming as the two scuffle over the bill until the point where she realizes that neither one is interested in her. She just comes off as the type of person that would be self-absorbed enough to be offended that she wasn't being mugged. Maybe if she sprayed them both with pepper spray and leaves feeling victorious and the two continue to scuffle despite being blind, rolling off somewhere and leaving the ten dollar bill behind. Then old Jack runs by screaming and stops himself, not believing his luck of finding a ten dollar bill on the ground.

Right now the ending, and the fact that it's the first tie dialogue is used, feels like an add-on that I think could be fixed to fit the comedic tone of the rest of the script. Overall very enjoyable and glad I read it!

Yeah everyone is in agreement. The script needs to to go full circle to feel complete and end on Jack.

Have to look into it.

Thanks for the read.  

Tonka,
So sorry it took me forever to get you a review--If I'm to be completely honest then i have to say I just forgot.  But hey, I did get to it, and I have to say I'm glad I did.

This was a funny little story thats actually told quite well, so good job.  i do, of course, have a few suggestions.

1. I'm unfamiliar with the term Crim, and therefore assume other people are as well.  If this isn't a term but just a name for this odd dude, then maybe yo should give the mugger a name that isn't mug.  Not a big deal, just something I got a little caught up on.

2. There is no dialogue until the very end.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just comes off as a little strange.  usually when someone witholds from using any dialogue until the end of a short, its usually for some sort of punchline, something short, quick, to the point, and hilarious: Like when Silent bob talks.  When you have your dialogue at the end, it doesnt really seem to fit--because its not just a quick punchline.

What i would do is either work it out in such a way that it does work as a punchline, or just have no dialogue at all.  I think this would work quite well as some sort of modern silent film.

3. Your ending is just a tad lame.  A script as short as this one needs to work as a sort of joke, for whichyou need some sort of punchline (yup, were back to that again.)  The punchline does not necessarily need to be a line, but something that just sort of ties everything up and is hilarious.  Yours is okay, I'm just saying i felt a bit dissapointed by it, and think that you could probably come up with something a little better.

Thats all.  Good job!

Tyler

I wasn't a big fan of this, it starts off pretty interestin when the two crim and mug are both on the trail of the same guy but i lost interest pretty quickly after their first confrontation. It reminded me of a cartoon of one upmanship like the ol donald duck vs mickey mouse encounters!
Big fan of that fox mask thought, made me chuckle just thinking about it!

Thanks for the read Barkman and Higgo (whose name reminds me of a Hippo for some funny reason)

Yeah this really has a very strong Loony tune cartoon vibe I guess.

Hey, man.

Returning the favor for you're notes on my post.

When reading this I couldn'y help but picture it as an awesome little clay-mation short. The kind of one where the characters don't really have dialogue, but use cave-man like dialect and noises to bring the point across. Would be really cool, I think.

It was a really easy read, with the short beats and quick action. A really lighthearted view on a not so lighthearted subject. Done well to find the humour in midnight robbery.

Write on, brother.

Tonka,

I have to say, I didn't really like this one. When reading it, I kept getting the image of silent Keaton tomfoolery, but badly done. It just felt too silly for my taste.

The opening description of Jack was fantastic, however. It's possible that the bar had been set too high after that.

6 pages just felt a little indulgent for what was essentially done in 30 seconds on Robocop 2. The scene where the mugger robs the little old lady, and then gets robbed and attacked by a couple of hookers. 'Crime Fight' reminded me of that amusing little skit, but it just went on, and on.

Sorry if that comes across really negative, as I think your writing is good, but the story here is just a little too silly.

Andrew

Thank you for the read.

Silliness seems to follow me everywhere I go when ever I write a short.

I dunno, I guess I must be bit of a silly Billy. But it's all fun.