Thieves by Brett Alan Bentman - Short - Two up-and-coming thieves take a lesson from a washed-up ex-con. Or is he? 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

What's up Brett,

Woah... First time I've EVER seen a character named Toby! He better be named after me... ;)

I went into this not knowing what genre it was, or what you were really going for, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was very, very amusing. And not over-the-top amusing either... It felt kinda natural, ie, the humour I find most amusing.

I loved Jasper Crindlehood's name, bravo there mate. I thought he was a very good character, however, I felt some of his speeches were a bit over-the-top, and sounded forced. His speech on page 10 about The Burger King which starts "Yes! He's creepy as hell!" It sounded out of character... However, he had some pretty damn amazing lines - I loved the whole "you're outta toilet paper..." line.

I predicted the ending before it happened, and still chuckled at it, but I think you could have made the ending a bit stronger... A bit more amusing? I'm not too sure how, I'll have a think about it, and give you a shout on Facebook or something.

One typo I noticed:

Page 11 - Toby's speech - "no what", should be "Now what".

But yeah, this was a very good short, man. It was entertaining, amzuing and read very quickly. I'll have a think about the ending, and get back to you on that.

Oh, and I still need to finish Firestarter... I'll most likely get it read on Tuesday, after I hand in some college assignment.

Take it easy dude, Toby.

Brett

Good job here, I enjoyed it. I loved the intro, the description of the location plus its two inhabitants was excellent. The opening exchanges bewteen them were funny and sharp.

"Clark pops off the couch"-- "pops" sounds a little misused in this case, is it slang?


"Clark reappears in the living room, carrying a quart of
half-empty O.J. and a single Ho-Ho. He forces the whole
thing in his mouth and washes it down with a ten second swig
of the juice. BURPS. Satisfied."

-- Contradictory - If the quart is half empty would it take 10 seconds to drain it??

The toilet flushing off screen reminded me of Pulp fiction in Butch's house as you sat, the shock of realising someone is in the house with you -- makes for good drama.

Pg4 - Try and keep the action paragraph down to 3 to 4 lines max. Its a good piece of character definition though.

JASPER CRINDLEHOOD
Allow me to introduce myself. I am
the man of the hour. The coup de
grace. The Count of Monte
Cristo... but you can call me
Jasper.

-- Funny, I only watched "The Count Of Monte Cristo" last night...the remake.

Even though I like Jaspers entrance and subsequent greetings I thought the two would have copped more or less straight away who he was...instead him having to spell it out for them.

They don't know what an alibi, Jeez, Clark really is clueless.

JASPER CRINDLEHOOD
Too common. And personally, I find
it slightly erotic. -- Good line.

Jasper bends down and lifts the now mostly empty quart of
orange juice, needing a drink. -- What!? it's not finished after a 10 second swig? :o

I found the ending was a little predictable and well...a bit ridiculous. I would totally believe Clark leaving a known thief in the house while they went to rob some place but not Toby especially cos its his place.

I know the fact that Toby is even considering doing this heist in the first place indicates he can't be too smart either but on the basis of his character portrayal over the course of the scripts he would NEVER have let Jasper stay.

Having said that I loved the tongue in cheek spoof direction you took with this. The absurdity of Jasper’s reason for being there in the first place along with his actual “pointers”  was very witty and well written.

The Jasper character was classic, stole the piece, which I'm sure was your intention.

Nice work, made me laugh...but I feel the ending could be better.

Cheers

Col.

Thanks. If you have nay ideas on the ending...let me know!

Funny script, though I must say if he (Jasper) broke into the house becasue the fire escape window was "cracked", then why would he.........In fact a better ending would be for him to comment on how nice the place is, hinting he might come back, then have him follow the both of them. If he can brake in, then he doesn't have to stay in the house to rob them...Or include an extra scene with Jasper following them on their "hiest" and deserting them on the way there...

I thought it was a funny script, and I hate to say that I'm embarrassed. . . .I never saw the ending coming.  I expected that thief to still be sitting there to pick on them when they got back.  Man!  I'm a rube.  :)

I don't know why, but I kept waiting for Jasper to say, "Rodney Skinner.  Gent'lman thief."  He sounded like he should have a british accent, and maybe be played by Jason Statham.

This is set up similar to an idea to an idea I had which I was going to call "Thieving Thieves and the Cops Who Catch Them.

I liked it, although I do doubt Clark wouldn't know what an alibi is.  That's amazing.

I did, however, get a kick out of Jasper's Gefilte Fish dinner.  Very kosher?

Nice little script.  I think it would make a good short film.

Thanks for the read, I have this in production as we speak for a 5-10 minute indie film. I thank you for your comments!

Cheers