I actually had to read this one a second time, thinking I had missed something. I'm still left with questions.
You describe Stefan as
an ex-S.S. executioner, which doesn't work. As the writer, you're supposed to show us things in your description, and not tell us. If you were to film this script, how would you convey his past when all he is doing is standing in a bedroom. In fact, if you took those key words out:
Quoted Text STEFAN SCHWEITZER, an ex-S.S. executioner, early 80s with a fragile and gentle appearance, is staring at the box. He is wearing a white button down shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks. |
You described a nice old man.
Later on, you show us who he is by his actions, which is good. That's how you tell us who and what a character is.
The red asterisks were very distracting. At first I thought that you were pointed out significant items (much like capitalizing them), but they kept popping up when it came to the notebook. They actually became annoying. Even more annoying, I thought, was that there was nothing at the end of the script to tell me about these items. I expected footnotes.
SPOILER SPACERegarding the story, itself, I didn't feel the remorse that Stephan felt. You didn't really tell a story here but, rather, the end of a story. How did he suffer?
His suicide confused me. He gutted himself like a fish and then he got dressed and loaded a gun to shoot himself in the head? I'll give you points for being thorough, but not for realism. He would be in a lot of pain after cutting himself open. I don't think he would be doing much after this.
Regarding his suicide note, are you really imagining showing such a lengthy note on the screen for a minute (or so?). It might be better to have Stephan reading it in V.O. as he bleeds out. Looking at writing on a screen gets boring real fast.
The story could be fleshed out a little bit. I didn't feel anything for the character as I jumped in at the point where he kills him.
Hope this helps.
Phil