Hawkins and Dover Episode One by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Hawkins and Dover battle the evil Androgyne, the double-gendered villain with magical powers.  The heroes find themselve battling each other because of his/her pheromones.  But does the mysterious Sybil know how to end their civil war? 16 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Two by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Harry Hawkins and Debra Dover become Sybil's personal hawk warrior and dove peacemaker.  All because of the first Zodiac Killer known as the Child Hood.  Who can turn himself from a man into a boy and vice versa. 24 pages - doc, format 8)


Hawkins and Dover Episode Three by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil sends the heroes to the river junction.  But Hawkins and Dover encounter someone other than the Aquarius Killer.  All the while, Dover fears for her future family. 16 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Four by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The mysterious Sybil has her regular meeting with the mysterious federal agent Victor Miles.  Meanwhile, Hawkins and Dover battle the Merman.  But his electrical abilities short-out their powers. 21 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Five by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Hawkins and Dover try to locate the serial killer called Breakneck.  Instead, they find a man about to commit suicide.  Will the mysterious Sybil allow them to save the tormented soul? 21 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Six by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The mysterious Sybil foresees death in Dover's near future.  As a result, Hawkins must take on the controversial Leather Man all by himself.  But Sybil did not foresee the special link between the hero and the villain. 19 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Seven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - A Crisis in the Comic-Book Store occurs when Sir Plus takes the heroes hostage.  He is disgusted by the sex and violence in today's comics, so he has plans for a revolution.  And the mysterious Sybil can relate to the villain. 23 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eight by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The Aquarius Killer drowns his victims on land while Hawkins and Dover are on a wild goose chase.  16 pages.  Rated PG for fantasy violence. 16 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Nine by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil foresees the evil scales of justice about to strike an innocent man.  But Hawkins doesn't think the man is so innocent, so he flies off.  Dover must capture the G-Man alone. 20 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Ten by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil uses her wealth to help the poor and homeless.  But the Scorpio villain has his own ideas about the war on poverty. 23 pages - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eleven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The racist Aries villain uses his minor power to strike terror in the black community.  WARNING: This script uses the ultimate ethnic slur against African Americans.  - doc, format 8)

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eleven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi -  The Cancer villain abducts the three heroes and holds them for ransom.  While they wait for the banks to open, Sybil reveals her secret origin in this double-length special show.  - doc, format 8)

Hey. This was interesting. Not in a good way.

First off, take all your camera directions out. You don't need them and they are distracting.

Second, you do a lot of telling, and not showing. A LOT of telling.

Third, everything's in exclamation points! Take them out and put in some periods! (I'm not putting !'s to mock you) If the characters are yelling, say they are yelling. Or put the dialogue in caps.

Fourth, everything moves so fast and happens so easily for the characters. We don't know why they are hunting him. We don't know anything about them, and it makes me not want to read it.

The dialogue seemed extremely fake. You really need to work on it.

I only made it to page 10. You really need to work on this. Read some screenplays and get the hang of it, then come back with a rewrite. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it needs some work.

I'm sorry you didn't like the script.  However, I was surprised by some of your comments.

I don't see how taking out the camera directions would still make it a film script.  Also, as I read in many books about scriptwriting, there are more camera directions in action movies, especially iin sci-fi scripts.  I was also using the WGA booklet's instructions on script-writing.  You may want to send off for it and read it yourself.

I think stopping a serial killer requires exclamation points.  Periods are used for more regular conversations.

If you had continued reading, you would have seen that the episode started ie media res, that is in the middle of the action.  Everything was explained at the end of the episode.

I do thank you for your comments.  After I finish posting H and D as a labor of love, I'll post my script for The Legion of Super-Heroes, the one that Steven Speilberg read but passed on.

Quoted from TheRichcraft I don't see how taking out the camera directions would still make it a film script.  Also, as I read in many books about scriptwriting, there are more camera directions in action movies, especially iin sci-fi scripts.  I was also using the WGA booklet's instructions on script-writing.  You may want to send off for it and read it yourself.

What books would that be? I'm curious.

You know Spielberg picked through my garbage last week, but my empty tuna cans were not right for his next project...

The books I read were from about twenty years ago, so I don't remember the titles.  I remember that Syd Fields was one of the authors.  Steven King had written one story as a screenplay (I think it was The Storm), and he used a lot of camera directions.  I used nowhere near as many in H and D and the Legion.

But super-hero/comic-book scripts generally have more camera angles in them than most regular films.  That's because camera directions were trying to show the stories like panels in a comic book.  I can't see Hawkins and Dover staying on EXT. A ROOFTOP - NIGHT when eventually they wind up flying on the other side of town.  Plus, they might get smacked into a wall by a villain.

Read some of the super-hero scripts listed on this site.  You'll find the proof there.

As for Steven Spielberg, well, according to my agent at the time, he wanted to do a little thing called The Lost World instead of the Legion of Super-Heroes.  Of course, agents lie.  But I find it hard to believe that she also forged Steven's name and stationary logo on my rejection letter.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Read some of the super-hero scripts listed on this site.  You'll find the proof there.

The only proof I'll find is that you don't seem to know the difference between a shooting script and a spec script.

Richard, maybe you could go on Simply Radio one time and tell us how you got the script into Steven Spielberg's hands.

I think your story has great potential but I am confused about time sequences in the two episodes -- and there's just too much talking, too much explaining about alchemy etc..  Also, I would encourage you to emphasize things that give the audience a feeling of wonder, about the characters and the story, instead of just a feeling of "oddness".

Also, I think you need to have a way of naming characters more clearly when they change from being to being, it's confusing the way you have it now, although the way you describe Debra being possessed by the bad guy seemed to me to work well, there's just too much "morphing", considering that we don't hardly know the characters at all.

The Lyle Waggoner reference makes me think you're going for a clever maybe even campy sort of a tone with this -- which could work, but I hope it doesn't overpower your script; it seems like you've got a story to tell that could hold the audience's interest.

It's been a while since I've written scripts, so maybe spec scripts and shooting scripts may have changed in that time.  I do have the revised edition of the WGA's Professional Writer's Teleplay/Screenplay Format booklet copyright 1983.  I was told by a representative of the WGA that most writers use that booklet.  However, none of the screenwriters I've talked to have ever heard of it.  So who knows?  The advice I've read in many script-writing books seems to be contradictory.

I'm holding off on the Hawkins and Dover experiment (and it is rather experimental)and concentrating on the Legion rewrite.  One book told me to always make paper copies of my scripts should my computer crash.  It did, and now I'm able to re-present the LSH soon.  I think you'll all like the characterization, plot, and bits of humor.  I'll also put my Genesis and Revelation script on here.  I wrote it for the BBC, which considered it for a long time.  But the format I used was the one they recommended.  But then I read the Being Human script on SS, and it was a bit different.

All I can say is that all the scripts I've bought and read do not seem to be very consistent.  Has anyone else had this experience?

By the way, read my play Leo and Virgo when you get a chance, lol.

I'm revamping the series as I came up with a new angle.  But do try reading my script for The Legion of Super-Heroes.  Thanks ,everyone.  

The Legion of Super-Heroes.

Didn't Alan Moore write that one. As Mrs. Doyle said "I'll give it a go, Father" but high hopes hang low.

I do have to agree with previous comments. Hey, the rooles are for da fooles. But they are there for a reason. Spec scripts need to be either Genius or by someone whose known within 'those' circles. Camera directions etc. You can have the odd one, if the script needs it. But, stacks of em in a script by a non industry type is gonna get you in a bin with the Grouch from Sesame Street quicker than than a hooker in a hurry.

I tried to read your scripts here. I failed. Sorry fella. You can write. But this needs work. A lot. Writing as a pro does ain't really gonna work. There are some good scripts on this site. Don has some great scripts on the main SS site. As do IMDB amongst others. Hang about here and you'll suss it. Good luck.

R

Dovi here. -Thanks for reading my junk. -I checked out your zodiac deal. (not the whole series)-Some excellent imagery there. I don't care what anyone says, your dialogue is coming along just fine. One thing I did notice was a tendency for your scenes to meander visually. Tighten those suckers up! If you're not into sci-fi you can lose interest quickly.  

Dovi. Can you read junk? I've got loads. Can't say it's readable though. I liked Zodiac. Fincher's a genius.

DO you really think RC's dialogue is "coming along just fine". I can't say I completely agree.

I'll give you an example...

Quoted from The first script on this page, opening dialogue. Page One                HAWKINS                     Whoa!                               DOVER                     What is it?  Do you sense where                     Breakneck is?                               HAWKINS                     Yeah!  I finally got a mental                     picture of the bastard!                               DOVER                     Where is he?                               HAWKINS                          In a house!  West of here!                                                                2                               DOVER                     Lead the way!

Erm. I'm not inspired. Please feel free to tear apart my scripts. I got loads of other junk round here too.

Oh, by the way. I'm not sober either. I can quite get nowty when I'm sober.

R

Thanks for the invite. -Dialogue in this particular genre does not come easy. I've read (and written) worse. -Far, far, worse. "Coming along" means exactly that. The Richcraft's got a ways to go, -as do most of us on this site.

Quoted from Dov Goldenberg Thanks for the invite. -Dialogue in this particular genre does not come easy. I've read (and written) worse. -Far, far, worse. "Coming along" means exactly that. The Richcraft's got a ways to go, -as do most of us on this site.

haven't we all. written wurse dat is.

Personally I've got a continent to cross before I get there.

Keep it cuckooing.

R

Quoted from rendevous Please feel free to tear apart my scripts.

You should try this Dovi. I've dunnit. And frankly it's quite therapeutic.

Well, it's nice to see that I've aroused some passion among you guys.

So far I have rewritten the first two episodes with different Zodiac Killers and a new origin.  I tried to take out as many camera shots as possible, so any potential directors can just film the scenes their ways.

I've requested that the moderators remove these versions of Hawkins and Dover.  When that happens, I'll send in the new ones.  

I think you guys will like the new and improved Hawkins and Dover.  I'm trying to keep their adventures to 20 pages each, but their origin needed an extra three pages.  After all, some exposition dialogue is always needed.

Keep an eye out for The Legion of Super-Heroes.  I sent that one off the other day.

Thanks for reading my scripts, guys.  Good, bad, or blah, it's great to know that I'm not being ignored.

Well, I hope you all reread my Hawkins and Dover series.  I sent in revamped versions of these stories.  I'm also going to send in my other sci-fi scripts for you to enjoy and review.

I'm glad to see a lot of sci-fi scripts in this section.  Especially with a lot of various storylines and characters.

Looking forward to reading more of your comments.

Hi,

So, I’ve read all six episodes... I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really get into this at all. I understand what you were going for, but I think you’ve come up short on the execution and the series could do with a major rewrite or two if you have big plans for it.

First major problem is the formatting. I haven’t read through the previous comments, but I’d imagine someone has already pointed them out to you. Scene headings in particular. At times, you have the heroes flying to a different location but don’t write a new scene heading so it can be pretty hard to keep up with what’s going on. Your writing could use some work. In my opinion, in a screenplay, you should describe everything that’s necessary in as few words as possible. I feel this moves the script along at a better pace and makes it easier to read. Some of your action lines could be cut down and you’d still get the same information across. This would also give you more space for your story as each episode is only 20-odd pages. There wasn’t much going on visually. You write that the characters are flying through the air. Are they flying over a desert? Or New York City? Adding in a little something like that will give the reader more of an image in their head of what’s going on.

Dialogue was also a problem. Most of the conversations felt forced and not very natural at all. There was a slight improvement in episode four but by the next episode, it was well below average again. Lots of information is forced down our throats in some dialogue when there are ways where you could do this better. Remember, show, don’t tell us.

On to the story... the basic idea is good, but the execution is lacking. I don’t know anything about the characters to make me like them or identify with them. I know this can be hard with 20 page episodes but it’s far from impossible. Work on a better backstory for both of your leads and reveal a little bit more about them each episode. The 2nd episode where their past is revealed didn’t cut it for me. Your killers were okay, some were dispatched a little too quickly (leather man was killed in like, 2 lines).

Overall, this wasn’t for me. Maybe some others will get a lot of enjoyment out of it, but I think it’s something you have clear in your head, but it’s not anywhere near as clear on paper. Keep working on it.

Brian

Hey, Brian.  Thanks for the comments.

Hawkins and Dover is an experimental series for me.  I'm really doing it for the fun of it all.  The setting is my hometown of Grand Junction, Colorado, which is in the desert.  I guess I should have used a super in all the episodes to explain this.

While I admit to having problems with my exposition dialogue (never my strong suit), I seem to catch hell no matter what I do with scene descriptions.  Either I use too many camera directions or I don't use enough of them.

Do stick around for episode seven.  It's based on a hostage crisis that almost happened in a comic-book store.  Richard

Well, if any of you have any thoughts on episode seven, I'd like to hear them, good, bad, or blah.  Thanks.

I'm finding a lot of similarities between H&D and LSH in regards to your storytelling.  There's too much talking and not enough action.  This s a superhero series, not Seinfeld. Less squabbling  and more punching!


Phil

I'm trying to work on the dialogue aspects, dogglebe.  Thanks for reading.

But I have to admit that there isn't too much punching in H and D.  Why punch villains when you can make them your love slaves instead?

Quoted from TheRichcraft Why punch villains when you can make them your love slaves instead?

If this is the solution, every time, it will be a very dull series.  The heroes need to be challenged.  How dull would it be if Superman regularly went after common purse snatchers?


Phil

That's why I'm only doing twelve episodes and trying vary the storyline with each one.  I don't see H and D going on beyond twelve.

Stay tuned for my upcoming wild and bad-taste sci-fi story called Samson and Minerva.  It's like Sapphire and Steel meets Monty Python.