The Mantle by Brendon Rathbone - Short, Black Comedy - When a famed serial killer can't find a new and unique way of killing his latest victim, the despair of 'Killer's Block' sets in. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Brendon,

Loved your logline: 'killer's block'....that's fantastic.

This reads like a short story but with the addition of camera shots. You paint a pretty visual picture both of the backdrop and the characters. The psycho is rather creepy. However, I thnk your descriptions are too excessive for a spec. script - for example, you don't need the Sarah and Carol drinking expensive lattes. There in a coffee shop they'll be drinking coffee, right? Does it matter if they're expensive lattes. It may seem a small point but there's lots of this throughout and basically, what it does it make it a chore to read. With scripts it's all about the bare necessities. I got to page 9 and was tempted to give up way before this....not because it's not a good story (I'll come on to this) but because of the 'excessiveness' in the writing. You also have a bit of a 'show and not tell' in there and your formatting will be picked up by other reviewers (more expert than I in that art!).

To the story....characters are ok (once we get past all the description) and the killer is good. However, it's all pretty formulaic until......page 9 and Guy speaks. At that point, I'm thinking hey I have a story here I'm interested in: that's a neat twist. Unfortunately, by this point I'm spent because I've had to get thru' 9 pages of reading (maybe I just have a short attention span which is why I read more scripts than books).

Maybe I'll finish it, but I really would tighten up that writing fella. Have a look at a few of the better scripts on this forum and you'll soon pick up what I mean.

You seem a pretty good writer with a neat idea.

Thornton

Thanks for the feedback.

I'd love to take another stab(ha!) at a draft of this when life slows down a bit. I thought it was a fun little exercise.

I definitely wrote this with me in mind as the director so that explains the visuals. I will dial it back in further drafts.

Any other critiques are more than welcome.

It's a fantastic story!

My only thought on it is that I'm not clear on TMIW's motivation for doing what he does. You establish that it's because the victims are promiscuous, but I would like to know why he finds that so abhorrent. Like, did he fall for a girl who only saw him as a one-night stand?

But great job. Are you planning to produce this film?