Give Me A Break by Matthew Dressel (dressel) - Short, Family - Ten year old Michael comes up with an idea to get his bike back from the thieving hands of Wes; the neighborhood bully. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this, Don.

This is just something simple I wrote; kind of a palette cleanser for me after writing The Other Man.  No one gets stabbed or shot in this.

Dressel,

Just a nice, simple, and entertaining story.   Well done.  The writing was top-notch.  I like the direction you took.  Yeah... you can see the ending coming.  A few different scenarios played out in my mind, but that one, never crossed it... and it should have.  Nevertheless I still found it hilarious.

Shorts, they are what they are, so I dont read too much into them.  This was one of the better ones i've read.  JMHO.  So my hats off.
.
Ghostie

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Just a nice, simple, and entertaining story.   Well done.  The writing was top-notch.  I like the direction you took.  Yeah... you can see the ending coming.  A few different scenarios played out in my mind, but that one, never crossed it... and it should have.  Nevertheless I still found it hilarious. Shorts, they are what they are, so I dont read too much into them.  This was one of the better ones i've read.  JMHO.  So my hats off.

Thanks Ghost.  Glad you liked it!

Two thumbs up!.   Very entertaining.    One of the reasons I'm glad your back, Dressel.   You've always managed to bring something different to the table besides blood and gore.  

My only complaint would be page 1- (He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump away).   Seemed like an awkward choice of words --  but I'm nitpicking.  

Great script.   It'd make for an excellent short film to enter into competitions and festivals, IMO.

Nice work

Quoted from screenrider Two thumbs up!.   Very entertaining.    One of the reasons I'm glad your back, Dressel.

Thanks Mike!

Quoted from screenrider You've always managed to bring something different to the table besides blood and gore.

Ha, you should probably stay away from The Other Man then.  But yeah, normally my scripts are squeaky-clean.  Not from any concerted effort on my part, they just end up that way.

Quoted from screenrider My only complaint would be page 1- (He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump away).   Seemed like an awkward choice of words --  but I'm nitpicking.

Now that you mention it, it is an odd choice of works.  Discomfort actually brings to mind some kind of ailment, like a rash.

Quoted from screenrider Great script.   It'd make for an excellent short film to enter into competitions and festivals, IMO.

Thanks again.  If I had the money/any money, I'd enter it.

*Some spoilers*

Frankly, I was expecting Michael to stick a spoke between the wheels, but your ending worked better.

Fat school yard bullies have been done to death in the creative media...but I still enjoyed the way this script worked - the twist gave it the freshness it needed to pull it off.

Other comments: LOVED the first description"Overcast skies hint of storms to come while the puddles and glistening gravel hint of storms past."  Other funny thing (inside joke, though): have two friends named Jeff and Alan.  They're inseparable.

Thanks for the read - fun story!

ahhh, and it comes back to the title, clever.  nice, fun little story.

Fun and lighthearted combined with good writing style.  Perfect way to start the day!  

Not too much to complain about here.  Simple, workable, decent payoff.

Like Wonka, I was also enamored of that opening paragraph.

If I had to lodge a complaint, it would be with the "A" names; Andrew and Alan.  You introduce 5 characters on that first page, and could help your reader to differentiate them a little.

It is not overly confusing, of course, but I did have to scroll back once or twice to reorient myself to these two.  It is such an easy change that I cannot help but toss it out there and encourage you to rename one of those kids.

Maybe make Andrew less of a total wuss.  Or not.

Otherwise, a charmingly inoffensive and nicely written short.

Nice little story. Kind of like something out of S. King's "the Body", like the pie eating contest.

caught a type-o for you: starting line

Good work, hope to see more like it.

Quoted from wonkavite Frankly, I was expecting Michael to stick a spoke between the wheels, but your ending worked better.

Ha, oh believe me, I had several alternate endings to this in mind, but in the end, I wanted to stick to something sweet.

Quoted from wonkavite Fat school yard bullies have been done to death in the creative media

You know what?  You're right.  I actually complain a lot about overweight children either being a.) comic oafs or b.) bullies in most TV shows and movies, and I'm not really helping.  I'm definitely going to take that out of there.

Quoted from wonkavite Thanks for the read - fun story!

Thanks Wonka!

Quoted from dkfrizzell Fun and lighthearted combined with good writing style.  Perfect way to start the day!

Thanks!  Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted from Conz ahhh, and it comes back to the title, clever.  nice, fun little story.

I was going to title it Give Me a Brake, but I thought that was too on-the-nose.

Quoted from bert Not too much to complain about here.  Simple, workable, decent payoff.

Thanks Bert.

Quoted from bert If I had to lodge a complaint, it would be with the "A" names; Andrew and Alan.  You introduce 5 characters on that first page, and could help your reader to differentiate them a little.

You're absolutely right.  And oddly enough, that's usually a pet peeve of mine.  Why do we sometimes end up doing what annoys us the most?

Quoted from bert Maybe make Andrew less of a total wuss.  Or not.

I based him off of my friend from elementary school, who never would have helped me in this situation.  

Quoted from bert Otherwise, a charmingly inoffensive and nicely written short.

Charmingly inoffensive.  I like that.  :-)

Quoted from leitskev Nice little story. Kind of like something out of S. King's "the Body", like the pie eating contest.

When I was writing it, I thought about the stories my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.  He was great at making up stories on the fly, and they'd usually be "Tortoise and the Hare"-esque fables like this.

Thanks for the comparison.  :-)

Quoted from leitskev caught a type-o for you: starting line

Fixed.

Quoted from leitskev Good work, hope to see more like it.

I have a new short being posted in the next couple of days called Just Coffee that has a similar tone.

Hiya Matthew,

This is the first story of yours I've read, thanks for posting.
Pleasant entertainment for a one joke short.
I was along for the ride and didn't see the twist, though I knew one was coming.
The pages pace out well, but the abundance of orphans was distracting.

Michael, scrawny with a shaggy mop of hair, slings his
backpack over his shoulder. Andrew, smaller than Michael,
clings to the backpack straps secured tightly around his
shoulders.

WHAP! A large chunk of mud splatters across the back of
Michael’s head. He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump
away.

Wes motions to the bike. Michael looks at it, then over to
Andrew for support. No use; Andrew’s face is plastered with
fear.


These back to back orphans on the top of page three are particularly distracting.

Alan’s already packing a clump of mud together. He smiles
wide.

Michael looks back to his friend, but Andrew sheepishly looks
down.

You can very easily edit these and save five lines in the first two pages.
Others enjoyed your opening, I had the opposite reaction.
I don't care for verb and noun repetition, especially in the opening line of the script.

The lot is deserted. Overcast skies hint of storms to come
while the puddles and glistening gravel hint of storms past.

The phrase repetition feels more appropriate for a poem than a script.
Something like this for a screenplay reads much better to me:
Overcast skies shimmer in puddles peppering the empty lot.

I get you were going for a style flourish and that's cool.
It just didn't work for me, I had to push past the distraction to continue.

With an orphan polish, I think this will be a much smoother read.
I'd like to see this one filmed. Good job.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer This is the first story of yours I've read, thanks for posting. Pleasant entertainment for a one joke short.

You know, it's weird.  I wrote the whole thing out, got to the end, and said "Hmm.  I didn't really include any jokes", which is odd given that I'm primarily a comedy writer.  But when I sat back and looked at it, I thought it stood fine on its own, and I'm glad to see people agree.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The pages pace out well, but the abundance of orphans was distracting.

I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Others enjoyed your opening, I had the opposite reaction. I don't care for verb and noun repetition, especially in the opening line of the script.

I don't know, I thought it did a good job of setting the scene, but I can see your point.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'd like to see this one filmed. Good job.

Awesome.  Thanks for the read, E.D.

Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

A child abandoned by their parents.

Pffft!  Jeeze, Dressel, don't you know anything!?

Quoted from screenrider A child abandoned by their parents. Pffft!  Jeeze, Dressel, don't you know anything!?

Ha, that's actually what came to mind first.  I stopped and thought "Wait a minute, did E.D. think these kids were all orphans?"

Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

I am surprised you have not encountered the phrase before.

It is a line with a single word on it.  On page 1, you have 'shoulders' and 'away' on lines of their own, like orphans.

These can usually be done away with through a little creative editing.

Not the worst screenwriting offense you can commit, but you are well-advised to at least be aware of them, and to avoid them if you can easily do so.

Quoted from bert I am surprised you have not encountered the phrase before. It is a line with a single word on it.  On page 1, you have 'shoulders' and 'away' on lines of their own, like orphans. These can usually be done away with through a little creative editing. Not the worst screenwriting offense you can commit, but you are well-advised to at least be aware of them, and to avoid them is you can easily do so.

Odd.  This...doesn't bother me at all.  Why is this problematic?

Quoted from Dressel Odd.  This...doesn't bother me at all.  Why is this problematic?

It's not -- though it can waste space.

More anal than anything, I suppose, and one more thing to worry about.

Like I said, there are far worse screenwriting sins than these, but you did ask.

This is really good. I liked it very much.
Ok - these 10 year olds - I know now what you mean, what you want from your 10 year olds:)

I don't know what to suggest here - maybe leave this script alone and not change a thing in it...

The only thing that bothered me was the beginning. It's a little same old one bulling another for no reason and it starts very on the nose "give me your bike" - I was ready not to like it at that point.

But then it just flourished... into something unpredictable and fresh.

Quoted from bert Like I said, there are far worse screenwriting sins than these, but you did ask.

That I did.  Thanks for clearing it up.  :-)

Quoted from khamanna This is really good. I liked it very much.

Thanks!

Quoted from khamanna Ok - these 10 year olds - I know now what you mean, what you want from your 10 year olds:)

I wrote another short that ended up being produced called The Sandwich Days, which also features 10 year olds.  While I was happy with the script, I think I went a little overboard with their dialogue, making it sound too mature.  It's a really tough balance to strike, because honestly I don't remember how I sounded when I was 10.  I think you'll always be fighting with yourself to not make them sound too much like you.

Quoted from khamanna The only thing that bothered me was the beginning. It's a little same old one bulling another for no reason and it starts very on the nose "give me your bike" - I was ready not to like it at that point.

This was actually written as a writing sample for a job.  They gave me 4 scenarios, and one of them was bully wants a kid's bike.  So I picked that one and went with it, knowing it's the absolute biggest cliche next to "Give me your lunch money, squirt!"

Quoted from khamanna But then it just flourished... into something unpredictable and fresh.

Thanks again.  I'm really happy to see this get such a positive response.

Quoted from Dressel I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

I see I'm late to the orphan tangent party.
Like others said, it's not a major thing.
But honestly, I didn't see much else to lean on, so I thought I should point those out.
When something reads well I tend to magnify the critique and point out fine tuning.
I feel like an idiot if a story's good, but I can't offer something to help.

Quoted from Dressel I don't know, I thought it did a good job of setting the scene, but I can see your point. Awesome.  Thanks for the read, E.D.

Your image sets the scene quite well.
It's just your word choice took me to an e.e. cummings sort of place. No biggie.
Thanks for looking at Lie Detector. I've got your feature in my queue.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer But honestly, I didn't see much else to lean on, so I thought I should point those out. When something reads well I tend to magnify the critique and point out fine tuning. I feel like an idiot if a story's good, but I can't offer something to help.

Thanks.  It's always nice to learn a new screenwriting tip, anyway.  I'll try and keep it in mind next time I'm writing, see if it makes a difference for the read.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Your image sets the scene quite well. It's just your word choice took me to an e.e. cummings sort of place. No biggie.

Yeah, normally I'm not so flowery with my descriptions. I'm a pretty straight-to-the-point kind of guy.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I've got your feature in my queue.

Hope you like it.

I think this is very, very good. You need to add to this and go through their lives of growing up,with the bully's hounding them all the time. Then send to Disney. I think they will option it.
If you get a chance, read my script. DESIGNS ON HER.

Quoted from anniestanley I think this is very, very good. You need to add to this and go through their lives of growing up,with the bully's hounding them all the time. Then send to Disney. I think they will option it. If you get a chance, read my script. DESIGNS ON HER.

Thank you for the kind words, Annie.  I'm not really looking to expand this into a feature length, as I don't feel there's enough meat to the story right now.

I'll pop over and take a look at your script.

hey Matt, just took a look at your short and really enjoyed it. here are my thoughts.

What I liked:
- the title (very clever)
- the ending. i definitely didnt see it coming.
- your writing style. several people have commented on this already, but i thought your first paragraph was dynamite.
- the evolution of your story. it opens with a very familiar, almost cliched setting, and evolves into something much more unique and creative. this why the story works.

Some suggestions:
- after getting hit with a mud pie once, the bully threatens the protagonist with another mud pie. if i were you, id up the ante a little bit for the second threat. maybe a mudpie with rocks in it or a knuckle sandwhich or something.
- are the cronies even necessary? i noticed a few readers became confused with all the 10 year olds running around and i can see why.
- the setting is a deserted school yard. what if it were recess or there were other kids around? it would make the ending seem all the more satisfying to both the reader and the protagonist.
- i actually thought it could be a bit shorter. SPOILER if the protagonist knew there were no brakes on the bike, why didnt he offer to race the bully from the beginning?

overall, a great script with superb writing. its simple and straight forward but has a sly little twist at the end.

Quoted from albinopenguin hey Matt, just took a look at your short and really enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading it and the compliments below as well.

Quoted from albinopenguin Some suggestions: - after getting hit with a mud pie once, the bully threatens the protagonist with another mud pie. if i were you, id up the ante a little bit for the second threat. maybe a mudpie with rocks in it or a knuckle sandwhich or something.

Good thinking.  Actually, maybe something to mirror the final justice Michael dishes out.  Like, Wes either threatens to or actually does hold Andrew down in a mud puddle.  Then the ending is more satisfying.  It's at least something to think about.

Quoted from albinopenguin are the cronies even necessary? i noticed a few readers became confused with all the 10 year olds running around and i can see why.

They're not, no.  I just figured most bullies do something for an audience.  And plus, having them their makes his embarrassment worse.

Quoted from albinopenguin the setting is a deserted school yard. what if it were recess or there were other kids around? it would make the ending seem all the more satisfying to both the reader and the protagonist.

I kind of like the deserted feeling of the yard.  Makes it almost like an old west type showdown.  That, and if someone were to shoot this, it's really hard to wrangle up a bunch of kids for a short film.

Quoted from albinopenguin i actually thought it could be a bit shorter. SPOILER if the protagonist knew there were no brakes on the bike, why didnt he offer to race the bully from the beginning?

I just figured it didn't dawn on him until he was riding away.  Up until then, he was just mad he was losing his bike (broken or not) and couldn't do anything about it.

Quoted from albinopenguin overall, a great script with superb writing. its simple and straight forward but has a sly little twist at the end.

Thanks Will, I appreciate the comments.  Thanks for taking the time to write them up.  :-)

Well done cute (can I say cute?) little story.  Very easy to read.  Crisp writing, good descriptions, real-sounding dialog.  

I, like others, had some ideas about how it would end, but not how you had it, which is a good thing.

I also thought the kid gave in a little too easily, but if his idea was to stick it to the bully, mission accomplished.

Thanks for posting.

Quoted from jnave Well done cute (can I say cute?) little story.  Very easy to read.  Crisp writing, good descriptions, real-sounding dialog.

Yeah, I think cute is fine.  :-)

Quoted from jnave I also thought the kid gave in a little too easily, but if his idea was to stick it to the bully, mission accomplished.

He didn't plan on sticking it to him, it was mainly because it was 3 against 1 (seeing as Andrew was non-existent).

Quoted from jnave Thanks for posting.

Thank you for reading.

Matthew, as I'm sure you've been told multiple times in the 3 pages of feedback, this was really good.

Really short scripts like this are often hard to pull off because they can either seem rushed with no character development, or they can seem pointless - as if they belong within a larger story. But not this. By using familiar character types and having a beginning, middle, and an end, this piece really stands on its own while also feeling like these characters could be part of a bigger story.

Your descriptions were excellent and the dialogue was spot on for what this is and makes me look forward to reading some longer work by you.

Great job.

Hey Matt,

Like everyone else, I think this one was pretty cute.  (I was actually thinking Michael might pick up the starting line stick and jam it into the spokes myself), but I like the way you went with it.

I liked your opening line, too.  'Overcast skies hint of storms to come while the puddles and glistening gravel hint of storms past.'  I suppose people are going to say that it's over-written, but I like it.  I think writing like that adds a uniqueness and makes the writer stand out more.

I'm a moron.  I didn't even get the 'Give Me a Break' thing until I read it in a post.  (It's late, but that's not an excuse for me not to be thinking.)  That was clever.

This whole 'orphan' thing I've been hearing people talk about lately is kind of confusing and irritating.  One minute, somebody's bitching that there's not enough 'white' on the paper, the next minute, somebody's bitching that a word's not jammed up to make the action look more blocky and smushed together.

Anyway, really good job on the story.  And I'm sorry for saying the b-word twice in this response to your G-rated script.  If you want, I can go back and edit it for you.  :-)

- Mark

Quoted from Elmer Matthew, as I'm sure you've been told multiple times in the 3 pages of feedback, this was really good.  Your descriptions were excellent and the dialogue was spot on for what this is and makes me look forward to reading some longer work by you.

Thanks Elmer. I really appreciate it.  I'll make sure to check out your short.

Quoted from rc1107 Like everyone else, I think this one was pretty cute.  (I was actually thinking Michael might pick up the starting line stick and jam it into the spokes myself), but I like the way you went with it.

Thanks Mark.  Yeah, I get the feeling that, if this were made, parents wouldn't be too happy with the moral of that ending.  :-)

Quoted from rc1107 This whole 'orphan' thing I've been hearing people talk about lately is kind of confusing and irritating.  One minute, somebody's bitching that there's not enough 'white' on the paper, the next minute, somebody's bitching that a word's not jammed up to make the action look more blocky and smushed together.

Screenwriting format is weird.  There's an endless number of "rules", but in the end, it's about making it a slick read.  Do that, and no one will really question the little things.
--
Thanks again for the read, Mark.  I'll make sure to check out one of your shorts.

WES
Don’t tell me what I want. Only I
tell me what I don’t want. - love this line.

Would've liked a more descriptive description( yes, you read correct)  of where the end of the race was before they start.

Ha! damn fine show! Loved it. Maybe because I was the arse usually stealing the other kids bikes. I love watching a bully get whats coming to them.

Fine writing, overall....

James