Give Me A Break by Matthew Dressel (dressel) - Short, Family - Ten year old Michael comes up with an idea to get his bike back from the thieving hands of Wes; the neighborhood bully. 6 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for posting this, Don.

This is just something simple I wrote; kind of a palette cleanser for me after writing The Other Man.  No one gets stabbed or shot in this.

Dressel,

Just a nice, simple, and entertaining story.   Well done.  The writing was top-notch.  I like the direction you took.  Yeah... you can see the ending coming.  A few different scenarios played out in my mind, but that one, never crossed it... and it should have.  Nevertheless I still found it hilarious.

Shorts, they are what they are, so I dont read too much into them.  This was one of the better ones i've read.  JMHO.  So my hats off.
.
Ghostie

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Just a nice, simple, and entertaining story.   Well done.  The writing was top-notch.  I like the direction you took.  Yeah... you can see the ending coming.  A few different scenarios played out in my mind, but that one, never crossed it... and it should have.  Nevertheless I still found it hilarious. Shorts, they are what they are, so I dont read too much into them.  This was one of the better ones i've read.  JMHO.  So my hats off.

Thanks Ghost.  Glad you liked it!

Two thumbs up!.   Very entertaining.    One of the reasons I'm glad your back, Dressel.   You've always managed to bring something different to the table besides blood and gore.  

My only complaint would be page 1- (He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump away).   Seemed like an awkward choice of words --  but I'm nitpicking.  

Great script.   It'd make for an excellent short film to enter into competitions and festivals, IMO.

Nice work

Quoted from screenrider Two thumbs up!.   Very entertaining.    One of the reasons I'm glad your back, Dressel.

Thanks Mike!

Quoted from screenrider You've always managed to bring something different to the table besides blood and gore.

Ha, you should probably stay away from The Other Man then.  But yeah, normally my scripts are squeaky-clean.  Not from any concerted effort on my part, they just end up that way.

Quoted from screenrider My only complaint would be page 1- (He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump away).   Seemed like an awkward choice of words --  but I'm nitpicking.

Now that you mention it, it is an odd choice of works.  Discomfort actually brings to mind some kind of ailment, like a rash.

Quoted from screenrider Great script.   It'd make for an excellent short film to enter into competitions and festivals, IMO.

Thanks again.  If I had the money/any money, I'd enter it.

*Some spoilers*

Frankly, I was expecting Michael to stick a spoke between the wheels, but your ending worked better.

Fat school yard bullies have been done to death in the creative media...but I still enjoyed the way this script worked - the twist gave it the freshness it needed to pull it off.

Other comments: LOVED the first description"Overcast skies hint of storms to come while the puddles and glistening gravel hint of storms past."  Other funny thing (inside joke, though): have two friends named Jeff and Alan.  They're inseparable.

Thanks for the read - fun story!

ahhh, and it comes back to the title, clever.  nice, fun little story.

Fun and lighthearted combined with good writing style.  Perfect way to start the day!  

Not too much to complain about here.  Simple, workable, decent payoff.

Like Wonka, I was also enamored of that opening paragraph.

If I had to lodge a complaint, it would be with the "A" names; Andrew and Alan.  You introduce 5 characters on that first page, and could help your reader to differentiate them a little.

It is not overly confusing, of course, but I did have to scroll back once or twice to reorient myself to these two.  It is such an easy change that I cannot help but toss it out there and encourage you to rename one of those kids.

Maybe make Andrew less of a total wuss.  Or not.

Otherwise, a charmingly inoffensive and nicely written short.

Nice little story. Kind of like something out of S. King's "the Body", like the pie eating contest.

caught a type-o for you: starting line

Good work, hope to see more like it.

Quoted from wonkavite Frankly, I was expecting Michael to stick a spoke between the wheels, but your ending worked better.

Ha, oh believe me, I had several alternate endings to this in mind, but in the end, I wanted to stick to something sweet.

Quoted from wonkavite Fat school yard bullies have been done to death in the creative media

You know what?  You're right.  I actually complain a lot about overweight children either being a.) comic oafs or b.) bullies in most TV shows and movies, and I'm not really helping.  I'm definitely going to take that out of there.

Quoted from wonkavite Thanks for the read - fun story!

Thanks Wonka!

Quoted from dkfrizzell Fun and lighthearted combined with good writing style.  Perfect way to start the day!

Thanks!  Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted from Conz ahhh, and it comes back to the title, clever.  nice, fun little story.

I was going to title it Give Me a Brake, but I thought that was too on-the-nose.

Quoted from bert Not too much to complain about here.  Simple, workable, decent payoff.

Thanks Bert.

Quoted from bert If I had to lodge a complaint, it would be with the "A" names; Andrew and Alan.  You introduce 5 characters on that first page, and could help your reader to differentiate them a little.

You're absolutely right.  And oddly enough, that's usually a pet peeve of mine.  Why do we sometimes end up doing what annoys us the most?

Quoted from bert Maybe make Andrew less of a total wuss.  Or not.

I based him off of my friend from elementary school, who never would have helped me in this situation.  

Quoted from bert Otherwise, a charmingly inoffensive and nicely written short.

Charmingly inoffensive.  I like that.  

Quoted from leitskev Nice little story. Kind of like something out of S. King's "the Body", like the pie eating contest.

When I was writing it, I thought about the stories my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.  He was great at making up stories on the fly, and they'd usually be "Tortoise and the Hare"-esque fables like this.

Thanks for the comparison.  

Quoted from leitskev caught a type-o for you: starting line

Fixed.

Quoted from leitskev Good work, hope to see more like it.

I have a new short being posted in the next couple of days called Just Coffee that has a similar tone.

Hiya Matthew,

This is the first story of yours I've read, thanks for posting.
Pleasant entertainment for a one joke short.
I was along for the ride and didn't see the twist, though I knew one was coming.
The pages pace out well, but the abundance of orphans was distracting.

Michael, scrawny with a shaggy mop of hair, slings his
backpack over his shoulder. Andrew, smaller than Michael,
clings to the backpack straps secured tightly around his
shoulders.

WHAP! A large chunk of mud splatters across the back of
Michael’s head. He winces in discomfort and wipes the clump
away.

Wes motions to the bike. Michael looks at it, then over to
Andrew for support. No use; Andrew’s face is plastered with
fear.


These back to back orphans on the top of page three are particularly distracting.

Alan’s already packing a clump of mud together. He smiles
wide.

Michael looks back to his friend, but Andrew sheepishly looks
down.

You can very easily edit these and save five lines in the first two pages.
Others enjoyed your opening, I had the opposite reaction.
I don't care for verb and noun repetition, especially in the opening line of the script.

The lot is deserted. Overcast skies hint of storms to come
while the puddles and glistening gravel hint of storms past.

The phrase repetition feels more appropriate for a poem than a script.
Something like this for a screenplay reads much better to me:
Overcast skies shimmer in puddles peppering the empty lot.

I get you were going for a style flourish and that's cool.
It just didn't work for me, I had to push past the distraction to continue.

With an orphan polish, I think this will be a much smoother read.
I'd like to see this one filmed. Good job.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer This is the first story of yours I've read, thanks for posting. Pleasant entertainment for a one joke short.

You know, it's weird.  I wrote the whole thing out, got to the end, and said "Hmm.  I didn't really include any jokes", which is odd given that I'm primarily a comedy writer.  But when I sat back and looked at it, I thought it stood fine on its own, and I'm glad to see people agree.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The pages pace out well, but the abundance of orphans was distracting.

I'm not familiar with this term.  Can you explain?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Others enjoyed your opening, I had the opposite reaction. I don't care for verb and noun repetition, especially in the opening line of the script.

I don't know, I thought it did a good job of setting the scene, but I can see your point.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'd like to see this one filmed. Good job.

Awesome.  Thanks for the read, E.D.