Chad Briggs, Monster Hunter by Ryan Lee (ryan1) - Short, Comedy - A renowned monster hunter encounters his most dangerous prey. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Fun story, Ryan. Nothing more to add to that. I enjoyed it. Perfect length, too. Make some mistakes or something so I'll have more to say! JK, nice work.

Thanks, Kev.  This was my entry for the moviepoet contest back in October.  

It was great story, and I hope what I'm gonna say you won't misunderstand. In that part when we scan down the cages with the various monsters, I couldn't help thinking you should put the Geico neanderthal in the last cage. That would make a truly awesome commercial, you could probably make cash for that!

Again, that's not a knock, the story was flawless. That just ran through my head for some reason. Subliminal advertising, I guess. I'm seeing the world in Geico skits.

I liked this, it's a cool little script and I dug the hobo actually being a real monster.

Hey Ryan, you already know I loved this. Actually, I think this is a touch of class. Funny, a good flow, nice reveals, enjoyable twists etc etc. A lot for five pages.

It seems that comedy is almost the most difficult to get others to like on these boards, so I think your position on MP in a horror comp shows what you achieved.

Have you  added an extra para at the end?

the more I think about it, the more I think this character has potential outside of a short. Almost a touch of ghostbusters/men in black about it.

All the best.

Hey Ryan,

I like seeing you try your hand at a comedic touch.
This has an Ace Ventura vibe to it that works.
The "lame duck" humor plays nicely into the hunting material.

The script feels more like a feature opener, than a completed short.
And I can see why you would put this out as a "feeler" for the character.

Which for me, is the only area that's lacking a bit.
As breezy and amusing as the story is, I don't get a sense of who Chad is.
The quips help, but there's nothing about them germane to his character.

If this guy is "talking" to you, I'd consider expansion. Nice work.

Regards,
E.D.

Dig this a lot, b/c I've always wanted to write something similar, just focusing more on the Sasquatch types, and not the Vampire/werewolf types.  Cryptozoologist.  I actually have about 4 pages written up with a very basic story outline, but it's not something I'll write anytime soon.

I was a bit disappointed when a vampire showed up, only b/c of the oversaturation of them at the moment, but I liked how you handled it.

Plan on finishing this?  I'd read another 80 pages of this no problem.

Yeah, this is good.  It does not make a tremendous impact as a stand-alone piece, but you do successfully introduce a character that demands more, so no small feat.

An "Ace Ventura" type springs to mind immediately -- but for that angle, you need to inject a little more silly and a little more raunch.  To that end, I would recommend "titties" as opposed to "tits" -- which is advice that I would never have imagined myself giving on these boards -- but there you go.

The homeless guy is an excellent touch, and as you go about introducing monsters nobody has even heard of before (including Chad, apparently) the possibilities seem nearly endless.  So less of the vampires and werewolves and more of the unique stuff seems like a good recipe.

Good luck with this if you carry it forward.  I think your guy needs a better name, though.  For a first name, I kind of like Casper, which carries a bit of irony right from the get-go.

i'd also consider changing the title.  not because it doesnt get the point across, but i have a feeling that if i typed "Monster Hunter" into imdb, I'd get a bunch of results.

actually doing that and reporting my findings would probably help, but im lazy.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Hey Ryan, you already know I loved this. Actually, I think this is a touch of class. Funny, a good flow, nice reveals, enjoyable twists etc etc. A lot for five pages. It seems that comedy is almost the most difficult to get others to like on these boards, so I think your position on MP in a horror comp shows what you achieved. Have you  added an extra para at the end? the more I think about it, the more I think this character has potential outside of a short. Almost a touch of ghostbusters/men in black about it. All the best.

Reef,

Yeah, I added that extra scene at the end, just because I wanted to end on Chad.  Ran out of space because of the five page rule in the contest.  

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Ryan, I like seeing you try your hand at a comedic touch. This has an Ace Ventura vibe to it that works. The "lame duck" humor plays nicely into the hunting material. The script feels more like a feature opener, than a completed short. And I can see why you would put this out as a "feeler" for the character. Which for me, is the only area that's lacking a bit. As breezy and amusing as the story is, I don't get a sense of who Chad is. The quips help, but there's nothing about them germane to his character. If this guy is "talking" to you, I'd consider expansion. Nice work. Regards, E.D.

Brett,

Thanks for taking a look at this.  Hadn't thought about the Ace Ventura similarities, but now that you mention it, I see it.  I wrote this one in an awful hurry as I only found out about the contest on the last day I could enter.  So, I didn't have time to delve into the character as much as I wanted, especially in five pages.  

Chad, as I saw him, is an egomaniac who never backs down from his supernatural prey.  This is why I thought the banter with the vampire was germane to his character.  Chad's an arrogant a-hole, in many ways as dangerous as the monsters he hunts.

But I agree that the piece has the feel of an opener.  I actually think this guy might make for a good animated series.  

Quoted from Conz Dig this a lot, b/c I've always wanted to write something similar, just focusing more on the Sasquatch types, and not the Vampire/werewolf types.  Cryptozoologist.  I actually have about 4 pages written up with a very basic story outline, but it's not something I'll write anytime soon. I was a bit disappointed when a vampire showed up, only b/c of the oversaturation of them at the moment, but I liked how you handled it. Plan on finishing this?  I'd read another 80 pages of this no problem.

Conz, thanks for reading.  The rules of the contest were that one of the characters had to be a vampire, zombie or mummy.  So, vampire seemed like a natural choice, as the other two monsters aren't really known for their witty banter.  

Not sure if I'm gonna come back to this one, but I do like the lead character.  Personally, I think it might work best as a series of animated shorts.

Very fun.  Very tight.  Very well written.  No jeopardy.  I'd love to see Chad faced with real peril.  This guy and his world have a feature in 'em for sure.

Quoted from bert Yeah, this is good.  It does not make a tremendous impact as a stand-alone piece, but you do successfully introduce a character that demands more, so no small feat. An "Ace Ventura" type springs to mind immediately -- but for that angle, you need to inject a little more silly and a little more raunch.  To that end, I would recommend "titties" as opposed to "tits" -- which is advice that I would never have imagined myself giving on these boards -- but there you go. The homeless guy is an excellent touch, and as you go about introducing monsters nobody has even heard of before (including Chad, apparently) the possibilities seem nearly endless.  So less of the vampires and werewolves and more of the unique stuff seems like a good recipe. Good luck with this if you carry it forward.  I think your guy needs a better name, though.  For a first name, I kind of like Casper, which carries a bit of irony right from the get-go.

Thanks for checking it out, Bert.  Hmm, "tits" or "titties"....tough call there.  These are the questions that keep us up at night.  I felt I made this about as silly as I could while still keeping the undercurrent of horror that was necessary for the contest.  In the original script I entered, there was a line Chad had about assembling these monsters for a "crypto-zoo" he was going to open.  But, I decided to chop it out of this version because it was just too expositional.  But if I ever do take this feature length, I might make this zoo idea the central plot.

Casper?  Not sure about that one.  I didn't see Chad as a ghost hunter.  More like a guy you'd see hanging out at the Bass pro shop.

Thanks again,

Ryan  

Ryan,

Nice to see some new stuff from you. This was a nice, tight read. If I had any complaints, it would be that its too short. Would've liked to know more about Chad's motives and what he's doing collecting these monsters. The banter between him and Tanek was pretty good. Loved the Stetson cologne.

Would like to see more from this character...

James

Thanks for reading, Heretic.  Glad you liked the character.   I thought i did put him in jeopardy, though, with the vampire.  Fact is, Tanek could have easily snapped Chad's neck if he hadn't paused and asked for any last words.  Never ask anyone if they have any last words.  Just kill 'em.  But, I wanted to show the vampire was as arrogant as Chad.

James,

Yeah, this was written for the moviepoet contest, so I had to keep it at five pages.  I added that last scene for this version just so I could finish on Chad.  There was a line in the original script, where Chad talks about opening his own crypto-zoo, but the problem was the line sounded odd because he was talking to himself.  So, I cut it from this version.  But, that's his motivation for collecting these monsters.  If I do expand this one into a feature, I'm sure I'll go deeper into why and how he got into this line of work.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Ryan1 But, I wanted to show the vampire was as arrogant as Chad.

Hey Ryan,

I didn't quite see things that way...I like that a lot!  I wonder if this could possibly be made more clear?  Or maybe I just wasn't on the ball when reading.

Here's how I felt.  Chad surprises Tanek and, at the same time, the viewer -- it turns out that he had planned for this situation after all.  Even if Chad maybe wasn't in complete control of the situation, the sudden reveal that he knew more than he let on, combined with the sudden reveal of the trick that's been to some extent played on the audience, makes it feel like he was in control the entire time.  Does that make sense?  If we saw Chad slowly easing the garlic thingy out of his pocket or something (obviously that's not the answer), that would point towards arrogance on the part of the vampire.  Since it comes as a complete surprise, and is coupled with Chad's brash demeanour, I felt that he was in control the whole time.

But I really like the idea of an arrogant monster hunter hunting arrogant monsters.

Hey Ryan1

I read this story and I have to say nice job!

Kind of a "Big trouble in little China" meets the Ghost Busters vibe going on here IMO.

Well written and would probably be even better with more story of course.

Very good job!

Great stuff, Ryan.  Perfect short in my opinion. Pretty flawless, to be honest.

I would love to read a feature.

This was fun, loved your protagonist, what a memorable name.  He always seemed to be such a cool character, especially when speaking to the vampire.

There is definitely potential for a feature for this kind of material and character.

I couldn't fault any of the writing, it flowed well.  In fact the only downside I could see of this whole script was the fact it was a only a short.  I wanted more!

Good job. Enjoyed it.

Steve

Hi Ryan,

I enjoyed this overall but in the end, it's pointless. There's no plot. Only a setup for something bigger. That'd be fine if it wasn't six pages. You should beef this up another 20 pages or so. Otherwise, it's just a tease. A series pilot is a tease, naturally. But at least it can fit a story into itself. As much as I enjoyed the world you created, you ain't got plot, character... nothing.

Aside from the grand scheme of things, I had some logistical issues with this one. First off, the method by which Chad catches the Sasquatch. Fair enough... except for the Stetson cologne. A funny line but... WTF? Isn't the male Sasquatch gonna smell something's up when approaching this guy? Especially if it's covered in hair and reeking of pheromones. ...okay, you didn't write that. But doesn't it make sense? Really... my mind went to the pheromones angle right away. Seems like common knowledge at this point in time. I'd make mention of it, one way or another.

Further more, I have to question how knowledgable this Chad Briggs really is. The ease with which he captures the Sasquatch, Tanek and all the other monsters... it doesn't make a whole lotta sense. Okay. I've already addressed the Sasquatch issue. But how about this salamander creature? Sounds cool... but if Chad can't even name it, how did he even have the foresight to catch it? What info did he have on it not to have some idea what to call it? If he's being sent out by a government/corporation/whatever, he's gotta know something about it.

The "sewer beast" gag was kinda funny but... "sewer beast?" The name is utterly cheap. Name it something cooler. The gag works, BTW.

Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the fuck would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!

I just have to think back to the first moment he found out something he thought didn't exist... did exist. If it were something classic like a werewolf, mummy, Creature from the Black Lagoon, whatever... he'd just have to believe vampires were possible. Really, after that, he'd have to believe anything is on the table.

In any case, why would Tanek consider the other creatures his "brethen?" Okay, so they're all persecuted by Chad... but definitely not the same species! How Tanek feels any kinship to these creatures is beyond me. He definitely comes across as the elitist type who thinks vampires are better than all. Doubt he'd have much sympathy for the others, let alone connection.

On the plus side, I think out of all of this, you've created a world. I don't particularly pick up on any consistency in it but all the characters seem different and from their own respective worlds. There's a sense of mingling here that suits your mythos well. I just think you need to tie it together better.

Speaking of which, you really gotta step up things here. You've got a strong base, for sure. Really. But nothing seems to go anywhere and the things that try to do so (e.g. Tanek) really don't make all that much sense.

Honestly, I'd like to see a different incarnation of this one. It's off to a good start but the handful of nitpicks I have are really pestering me at this point. Hope this helps.

Ryan

This was great, wonderful concept very funny. Some fantastic one liners in there.

Particularly enjoyed the Bum character and the garlic mist device.

“grinning maw”

- LOVE that line.

I could see this as a very marketable pitch for a feature, lots of crazy ways to take the central conceit and go balls out with it.

Cant really say much more, well done.

Col.

Basket and Steve,

Thanks for the reads and glad you liked it.  I'm considering adapting this to a feature, but I'm still not sure I want to commit.  Coincidentally, I read today about a movie coming out next year called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.  In 3-D!  A completely different story, of course, but it makes me wonder if this basic premise is too broad.  I'd need to really narrow the focus to make it a feature.

Ryan

James,

I do appreciate someone with an eye for logic.  You bring up valid points with the Stetson cologne and also why Tanek would consider these monsters his "bretheren."  I have to stress that this script was written my-t-quik for Moviepoet(as in a couple hours) and it's decidedly tongue in cheek.  Now, I needed a reason for Tanek to appear, so he states this belief in his kinship with these "mythical beasts" as the cause for his appearance.  Due to page restriction, I didn't really have time to delve deeper into Tanek's logic, and frankly I didn't feel the need to.

"Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the f*** would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!"

Yikes.  Snark factor off the charts on that one.  But, uh, did you miss the line when Chad says, "I lied.  I believe in vampires?"  

It was written for laughs, and I'm glad you at least got a couple from it.  I think.

Col,

Good to see you around these parts again.  Been awhile.  thanks for the read.  Time for you to post some new stuff now.

Ryan

Quoted from Ryan1 I have to stress that this script was written my-t-quik for Moviepoet(as in a couple hours) and it's decidedly tongue in cheek.

Tongue and cheek is fine. But I was really reminded of Hellboy reading this and Hellboy was able to commit to details and logistics with tongue planted firmly in cheek. It sets the bar pretty high as far as campy supernatural exterminator fiction goes. Then again, not everything can be Hellboy.

Another Moviepoet script, eh? I think I might have to avoid these from now on. I've read quite a few and I tend to have mixed feelings toward them. The guidelines of the contest are almost always a factor. Not every story can be crammed into five pages.

Quoted from Ryan1 "Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the f*** would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!" Yikes.  Snark factor off the charts on that one.  But, uh, did you miss the line when Chad says, "I lied.  I believe in vampires?"

That is a little much. Sorry, man. I'm not afraid to insert a little snark in my reviews, just for fun, but I think I got carried away here. Clearly, I stumbled over that line, yes.  

Quoted from Ryan1 It was written for laughs, and I'm glad you at least got a couple from it.  I think.

I did. In hindsight, I think the script was more or less fun and I came at it harsher than it deserves. Not really sure why. Might've been drinking, though I can't recall.

Quoted from Ryan1 Good to see you around these parts again.  Been awhile.  thanks for the read.  Time for you to post some new stuff now.

Yeah, been laying low for a while. Trying to get back in the swing of things. Hope to get the new feature up sometime in January or February.

My only problem with this script is that it just ended.  It just left me hanging.  Hopefully, you'll consider extending it.


Phil

Ryan,
Thought your script was a great idea, but I felt it needed more. That Chad Briggs is just way too smooth, he needed some type of problem. Maybe the vampire could get the drop on him somehow, but of course our hero Mr. Briggs finds a way out. When I read the log line I was pretty excited to read this one however, I was disappointed by the end of it. If you made this longer and put some twist in it I’m sure this script will be amazing.
Cheers,
Josh B.

Quoted from dogglebe My only problem with this script is that it just ended.  It just left me hanging.  Hopefully, you'll consider extending it. Phil

Perhaps Chad has some plumbing needs and could meet up with this guy. ;D

Thats a really fun rubber monster movie. I thought of it when I saw Ryan's title.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Perhaps Chad has some plumbing needs and could meet up with this guy. ;D

Haha, nothing new under the sun, I suppose.  Gotta check that one out.  Wow, that title is...familiar.  

doesnt it suck when that happens?  Go check that movie out and just write yours, tweak the title and you're good.  Something tells me this one doesn't deal with Vampires and the like.

Quoted from Conz i'd also consider changing the title.  not because it doesnt get the point across, but i have a feeling that if i typed "Monster Hunter" into imdb, I'd get a bunch of results. actually doing that and reporting my findings would probably help, but im lazy.

lol wow, i swear I didn't know that was a movie already.

Yeah - I liked this one - given the restraints, it worked very well.

Not too sure about the Ace Venture angle that I've seen posted, he struck me as more a variation of Indiana Jones.

I can see it working as either an animation or a feature - as an animation it could potentiallly just go on forever (but I'm not suggesting aka Scooby-Doo...). And then Star Wars is now both feature and animation.

This is a nice opener for a feature, and just outlines what's likely to come. Back-ground stuff, characters etc can be fleshed out later.

Good stuff, nice humour, well worked all over.

The story has nothing in common with it, but I just wanted to let you know that there is a movie called Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer.

I did enjoy your script. I thought the sewer guy was pretty cool. And a nice small twist that Chad was sort of baiting the vampire.

simple, funny and straight to the point script. a good read. keep it up.

Enjoyed reading this; it would film nicely.  Extremely well written considering your timeframe.  Like so many others here - I'd be keen to see it expanded in one way or another; web-series, featurette, feature...  

This script would make a great intro to the character and what he does...

Reminded me (a little) of Canberra's local Crypto-naturalist: Tim the Yowie Man...

You can't be original in horror today... It's impossible.  You can be really good at replication, but there is very little room to be original in horror these days... I stress very little.

Why?

Because they are popping out low budget shit balls left and write just to saturate the the market in hopes they can later have a bigger pay off in court for their plagiarism cases.

Ask yourself how many times a Sony, Microsoft or Apple gets sued every year... Then ask yourselves how many no talent, scumball writers/directors/producers take people to court and sue the shit out of them for an idea they half-assed, but was used by someone else and probably better.

The above movie -- IT's probably a real puddle of pig piss.  I've no doubt your script is probably better.  But the fact it made it to market first, you've got an idea that has already been tarnished by a shitty, low ball production company who shot their own version out on the market.

And maybe that's what it's all about -- making money.  Quantity over quality.