The Chat Up Line by Steve Cooper (CoopBazinga) - Short, Comedy - Two confident womanizers share a chat up line with a discouraged man to help him with the ladies. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey Steve,

not bad, although i saw the ending coming from a mile away. once finished, i had a lot of questions that kind of go unanswered. this script has several plot holes that need patching.

SPOILERS

first, why does he pull of the wedding ring after his wife calls? if he's going to the club, wouldnt he do this prior? furthermore, after his wife calls, wouldnt he put the ring back on? i think you're trying to portray miranda as flash's mistress but it doesnt make sense logically with the ring

steve should notice how flash interacts with the bartender. he should doubt flash's ability to pick up women. but then have flash point out how within seconds, the bartender went from hating him, to flirting with him (or something along those lines). it gives the side dialogue between flash and the bartender a bit more meaning.

as much as i hated flash as a character, i liked the whole flash gordon thing. made him into an even bigger douchebag.

i'm assuming a "chat up line" is the equivalent of a "pick up line." probably a culture thing. i actually prefer the term "chat up line"

STEVE
Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend
to help me?

^wasn't a fan of this line. it sticks out like a sore thumb. very on the nose.

now for the big reveal.

we're assuming that the flash and his wife never see each other in the club. but wouldnt she call him once she got there? maybe he should get a call and ignore it. furthermore, what was the pick up line? you put such an emphasis on it, but you never reveal it. i want to know and i think it would shed more light on the situation. furthermore, why Steve? why would an attractive blonde fall for such a loser? wouldnt the flash break it up as soon as he saw Steve grinding with his wife? and why would his wife tell Steve that she swallows? that's pretty brash.

overall, the big reveal feels a bit tired. but like i said before, i enjoyed this. i think it just needs some more flare as well as a bit more thought.

Hey Steve

It's been said many times, and I've said here to others, that sometimes English is the common language that separates us. Clearly there are some differences in lingo that are probably particular to Australian English; or perhaps because I am in my 40s some of the club language goes over my head. In any case, there were times, especially at the outset, that I was a little confused, and this impacted the read. Usually I was eventually able to figure out what was meant earlier, but it tends to take one out of the read when they are confused.

I would say that it ends up being a short with much potential, and should round into shape after a few passes. I thought the ending was pretty cool, and will have more impact when it's set up a little better, or clearer anyway. I'm going to leave this one up so I can maybe read again in the morning and hopefully come up with some helpful suggestions. Actually, I already took notes on the PDF, so I will email to you tomorrow after second read.

Attention SS: Steve has been working hard to read scripts here, so give his script some attention please!

I liked this, it was a fast read and the ending made me laugh. Although I think it doesn't make much sense that the wife would cheat, knowing her husband is in the same bar. Overall good work, looking froward to reading more stuff from you.

Wow that was posted quick, thank you Don.

Hey Will,

This is my first ever script posted and you are my first reviewer so thank you for that, it’s much appreciated that you cracked it open and left a review.

Plot holes! WTF, this is structured just as good as the Matrix sequels. ;D

I agree the plot needs some work or patching as you say but if I’m honest, this was more of a formatting, writing exercise for me, plot was second which is no accuse I understand.

You are right in what you say about the wedding ring but I wanted to exhibit his marriage but in hindsight maybe it could have worked with dialogue or even a white ring line where his wedding ring should be. Good call.

Miranda is Flash’s wife. There does seem to be a little bit of confusion in the beginning which is my fault as the writer for not making it clearer but that’s why I’m here, to learn and improve. I will try to explain it if I may.

Flash is at the Time nightclub which I referenced in the opening slug, he is called by Miranda asking him where he is, so he lies, tells her he is going to another club. This is where he stated “it’s not going to ruin my night” He now believes that he has misled Miranda to another club leaving him to his own devices.

On the same note as revealed at the end, Miranda avoided the club he told her he was going to have her own fun but in the end, obviously they were both misled and went to the same place thinking the other was not there. Man, it does sound confusing but honestly, it did make sense in my head.

A way to combat this would be to have Michael ask him why he lied to Miranda?  Again, it’s a learning curve and I will get there.

I like the idea of Steve watching him flirt with the bartender and agree that this would add to overall concept to the side dialogue.

I’m glad you like hated and kinda liked Flash because I certainly enjoyed writing this character. There’s something pleasing about writing arrogant characters that get what is coming to them.

A chat up line is the equivalent, yes.

Quoted Text STEVE Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend to help me?

Why did you bring this up, you hit the nail on the head with that on. I hated this line but couldn’t think of another way of rephrasing it, suggestions welcome my friend?

I did have the chat up line in there at the end but took it out because I liked the idea of the reader thinking what it was for themselves. I thought this one was universal and well known so wouldn’t need all the exposition it had. The line by the way is "Do you spit or swallow?"

Why didn’t Flash break it up? Good question. He’s shocked, overwhelmed and downright gutted. Flash thinks everything and everyone revolves around him so when he see’s his wife with the man he was pranking, he doesn’t know how to react, his persona his gone. Notice how polite he is with the bartender at the end. Again maybe I didn’t portray that as I hoped and your feedback will help when it comes to a rewrite with that.

I’m sorry the reveal didn’t work for you but I’m glad that you enjoyed it and that’s half the battle.

Cheers for the feedback, appreciated.

Steve.

Hey, I like this. Nice dialogue and great characters. I agree with most of the things albino said especially not knowing the pick up line!  ;D But it seems that you just told us above,  ""Do you spit or swallow?" I think you should have kept that but that's just my opinion.

I also liked the British Slang. It was humourous and really fit both the characters. Overall, nicely written and some of the better comedies I have read!  ;D

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for the quick read and feedback; your opinions are always appreciated. I look forward to your e-mail where I’m sure you will tear this thing apart. ;D

You’ve brought up a topic that interest me in, vocabulary or universal writing if you will. As this is my first script I chose to stay close to what I know and not get ahead of myself but I know down the track that it is important to learn different forms of vocabulary to enhance as a writer.

Thanks again for the feedback and message that you left for everyone else.




Brandon,

I think that was your name? Thank you for the nice words and support, glad it was a fast read for you and made you laugh. If I can just make can one person laugh then I’m happy.

Sorry about the confusion at the bar, I have explained this in an earlier post.  They didn’t actually know they were at the same place but I will have to make some changes to make it clearer to the reader I think.

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated.

Steve

Steve

Glad to return the read.

First off that's the first script I can recall with the word, mingers! Made me laugh.

As a first effort it's a good stab and hopefully will provide you with some decent experience in pace, structure, foreshadowing etc Overall a sound effort.

Like the others I liked Flash as a character. By using the name you helped strengthen the image in my head.

Steve was a little obvious and maybe just a normal fellow, down on his luck, could be a bit more convincing. He seemed a bit keen, why not a reluctant chap who has nothing to lose?

In terms of the story I think you could strip this down a few pages and have a tigher read. eg less outside. Why have it cold with big coats?

Going into the end there was clearly going to be a reversal, and most likely this involved the wife as she had been set up. One possible end would be the line works, Steve gets the girl but this is is a set up by the bar maid (her mate to wind up flash) only for flash to have a rant about that line never works for me etc as his wife stands behind him. Just thoughts.

All the best.

What is a minger?

A polite description would be a rough, unattractive looking woman. I will let others describe with more colour!

Hey nawazm11,

Thanks for the positive feedback and nice comments, much appreciated. I'm happy the British slang worked for you because this was a worry of mine, that it wouldn't appeal to others but thanks for reassuring me on that. Should I have told the reader the chat up line? Maybe I should have after all the comments but I felt it worked better without it in there.
Thanks again.

Bill,

I honored to think I'm the first to use the word minger and hopefully we will now see it a lot scripts, imagine that.
I agree about this being shortened, originally i wanted it to be 5 to 6 pages but we all have add that little bit extra don't we.
I am delighted that you liked the Flash character. He seems to be downing well with most people even though he's arrogant chump.
Some great suggestions there with the barmaid and something I will keep in mind when coming to a rewrite.

Thanks for the feedback and words of encouragement. especially about the word minger!

Quoted Text What is a minger?

LOL! I think Bill described it well without being too rude.

Steve

For a first script I will applaud your efforts with formatting.  You really did a great job from top to bottom in that respect, and that can be the most difficult part of screen writing.  Very well done.  

From the story's standpoint, I can say its a very safe piece of work.  The characters and dialogue are simple and effective, the main plot is straight forward, and the twist is fun and expected.  

You're writing style is very good as well.  The descriptions were on the mark - I swear I could hear the music and see the lights on the dance floor, not to mention the mingers, which is a word I'll be using from this point forward.  ;)

My advice; get a fresh sheet of paper, a fresh idea, and up the ante with your next script.  Add a bit of complexity, and really drill into the sub-text underneath your dialogue.  Take some risk.  You have the chops for it.      

Overall, for a first script, you did a great job.  I enjoyed it.  High five.  

Hey Chris,

Thanks for taking a look and giving feedback. I agree that it’s a safe piece of work but that’s where I am as a writer at the moment, crawl before you walk right. I’m pleased the formatting worked for you because this was something major for me, I have only been learning a short time but it’s amazing how much good tips you pick up from this site. A lot of good writers here to learn from.

Thank you again for the feedback and high five back you mate.

Hey Steve,

Wow,..you did a great job if this is your first! This read easy and fast...hardly any errors...left off a few periods but just typos. The story was good IMO. I didn't really see the ending coming. It worked for me. This would be easy and very low budget to film also. I look forward to reading more from you!

Great work!

D

Steve,

Just had a read of this. Nice job. I liked the fact that you did not reveal the chat up line: you gotta make the audience work for it.

The story with the wife being there and not being spotted first has some logical issues. Maybe she needs her back turned to Flash and Michael all the time (since she is grinding) until right at the end. It would also be a nice touch if they can actually see (but not hear) Steve whispering the line to her, then her reply, and Steve's amazed reaction.

Other than that, it was well structured and funny.

Dena,

Thank you so much for the high praise, it means a lot. I’m glad it read fast and easy, maybe I’m the right track then. Did I really leave a few periods, damn.  I am not happy about that but thanks for noticing.

Thanks, appreciated.

Rkwok,

Thanks for the comments and kind words. I agree with about not revealing the chat up line and that was my thinking. Some good points you have made there and I will definitely be looking at them when it comes to a rewrite.

Thanks.

Steve

Quoted from Reef Dreamer A polite description would be a rough, unattractive looking woman. I will let others describe with more colour!

Even worse when they're a slag. ;D

E.D.

Hi Steve,

I suppose this was okay. Well written but very forgettable. I feel like I've read this script a hundred times before. The actual number might not be a hundred but it might as well be.

Nevertheless, I suppose it's a tried and true formula for shorts. Not always a fan of tried and true but I can understand why it works. So I wouldn't say you did anything wrong. But very conventional, I must say.

The one thing that wasn't conventional was Gordon's Flash schtick. I'd expand on that. It was funny and makes the character more unique.

The chat up line (British equivalent to pick up line, I suppose), unfortunately, didn't work. You don't say it in the script but one can infer what it was easy (you also revealed it on this thread). The situation that arrises from it is a fun twist but seriously... how dense is Steve?! Even as lackluster with the ladies, I think he'd have better sense to fall for this one.

I don't know how you can make this work but it's a critical issue. That's my opinion, at least. Seems to have worked for some of these other guys. I don't buy it though.

I agree with Will (albinopenguin) that Miranda would have called when she arrived at the club. Have her call. Gordon doesn't need to answer and you need not reveal that she's actually at the club. Maybe it'd be a little obvious that she was but the punchline is pretty predictable anyway. This kind of setup can only end so many ways.

Final nitpicks. I don't see why everyone had to stop and laugh when Steve gets shut down. It only matters that the two main characters notice. Frankly, this bit felt very movie-ish (in a bad way). Most of the clubs I've been to have been so packed and loud, no one on the dance floor would notice something like this occur.

I also didn't think the banter between Gordon and the bartender had all that much going for it. Honestly, I feel like the bartender might just ignore his behavior. Bartenders have a whole slew of drunk assholes starting shit to anticipate over the course of a given night. Why not just let this one go?

If you want Gordon to come off as an asshole, why don't you just have him hit on random chicks?

Anyway, I suppose overall, this was okay. Nothing spectacular though.

Hey James,

Thanks the frank and detailed feedback, it's nice to have such an experienced writer like yourself take a look and comment.

Quoted Text I suppose this was okay. Well written

It went downhill from here I guess :)  It is a tried formula but for a first effort that's all I wanted, my writing technique was my major concern in this.

I'm glad you liked Flash, he's certainly a good character IMO.  Have to use him again sometime?  Thinking hat on.

I thought the banter between Flash and the bartender worked but I understand your reasoning.  I've been that drunk asshole you mentioned many times and they’ve always ignored me.

Thanks again James for some insightful comments, it's much appreciated.

Hey Steve,

It's my pleasure to open up your first script.
You are one of a handful of very active new members here in the forum.
So, I'll always be happy to offer an opinion on your posted work.

Right there in your opening description, there's a dreaded typo.
A long dark coat wraps around MICHAEL 29, a trimmed beard hides...

According to this as written, your character is named Michael 29. :P
Get that comma in there so no one throws your script down before they get started.

Orphaned slug at the bottom of page three is a no-no.

A simple tale told reasonably well with a nice finish.
You've approached your first script with a very logical attitude.
It's a common mistake to overreach with your stories when starting out.

The dialogue felt pretty natural, and I enjoyed the punchline.
Even got caught up in the "chat up line" and forgot about the missus coming.

Good work. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

As I go:

Page 2:  I dunno.  He's taking the wedding band off just for Miranda?  The way he acts makes me think that he was planning on finding some other woman before Miranda called.  Seems like he would have taken it off long before getting to the line in the first place.  Ah well.  We'll see.
Tiny thought.  If the script is about Gordon, it's an interesting choice to show us Michael first (at the start of the script).  This kind of thing can be confusing to me...I would naturally assume while watching that the first person of the two that we see is the protagonist.

Page 3:  Yeah.  So it definitely seems to me that he would have taken the band off earlier than in line.  Him taking it off after Miranda's call makes it seem as though it was a result of Miranda specifically.  Is this the intention?

Page 4:  "And keep the change."  Shut the woman up with money.  Ho ho ho.  She's willing to be degraded for the right price.  A nasty note for a light, breezy script, in my opinion.  On the other hand, perhaps it fits into Gordon's character and his world.  

Thoughts:

Eh, well.  So what's the point?  Gordon gets his comeuppance?  That's no kinda story, though.  It's a fun gotcha, but why would anyone put months of time and thousands of dollars into telling this story?

There's not really a clear protagonist in the story.  I guess it's Gordon, but he doesn't really change and he isn't even particularly involved in the climax.  Michael doesn't really have any purpose whatsoever, and I think the script would be better served by Gordon being alone at the bar.  Everything would be far more dynamic if, instead of us learning about Gordon through his conversation with Michael, we learned about him through his conversation with a woman he was trying to pull.  He decides to show off to her by helping/making fun of Steve, and it blows up in his face.  I dunno.  That's one idea.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't see the point of all this.  The only thing that happens is that a guy finds out his wife is as unfaithful as he is.  You could do that in a page with no loss of message.  This script needs a more dynamic story with more of a point.

All that said, it's an easy read and the dialogue is natural.  Pleasant but pointless.

Chris

Steve,

Gave this one a read. Skimmed through the comments. For a first script, it is a good effort. I enjoyed Gordon's "The Flash" reference. I do think shorts should always have at least one thing you didn't see coming. You did a good job surprising me.

Lots of missing commas. i.e... "You're crazy Gordy." Should read "You're crazy, Gordy."

This made me smile, but its not laugh out loud. Its all a set-up for  the last line, which is good, but at 9 pages its a bit much for a simple payoff.

You could cut this down by simply starting it inside the club and removing some banter between them and the bartender which didn't really add much.

Overall, I will say you've got the knack for writing a short. Just keep it short. The longer you build the set-up, the better payoff you've got to have...

James

Hey Steve,

I've given this one a read 'cos I most definitely owed you after you read Competitive Advantage.

Are you British? I know you're living in the very beautiful Perth but I think I recall you saying you'd been here or were from here. The reason I ask is that I didn't find this British at all actually. It seemed quite location neutral to me. Not that it matters but when I read comments before delving in, I imagined a Britfest.

When reading I thought it would be cool if it was the wife, and it's the most natural conclusion. Having intro'd us to the barmaid, though, I think you could've made use of her. As it is, she basically brushes him off as we'd expect her to. Unless she serves a bigger purpose, I think you'd be best to do away with her.

The only other main thing to strike me was that you focused on the chaps while they were at the bar a little too long - there was no urgency or moving forward of the story beyond establishing Gord is looking to plow every piece of skirt there. I think you could keep the page count and instead develop a small subplot (maybe utilising the barmaid) to add texture to the story.

But like the others have said, this is a very good first attempt. The world is now your oyster!

Hey Steve, I've also noticed you're doing it right by reading and providing lots of feedback, so I too am happy to give your first script a look.

You probably know most see me as way too picky and harsh, but I say what I say to help, and nothing else.

So...with that said, I'll point out that you've got lots and lots of mistakes right out of the gate, which is usually a read killer, and will be for me here, as well.  These are all easy to fix mistakes, but the point is that you want to fix these things up before posting, and if you're not aware they're mistakes, then hopefully the few comments I make here will help.

Although you correctly start this off in an EXT scene, you don't give us a single visual of where we actually are - we don't see any EXT views of any structures, nor do we see anything, except people.

Your initial intro of Michael is written very awkwardly, and as others have said, you're missing a comma between his age and name, as you did again when you into Gordon in the next passage.

Your sentence structure is off in several places - sometimes you incorrectly use a comma to bridge 2 separate thoughts, others, you incorrectly use a period, when a comma is the correct choice.

But, the biggest issue is that within your first page, nothing is remotely interesting.

I don't know what it's like in Aussie, but bartenders have to be at least 21 to serve alcohol most places.

Tons and tons of missing commas everywhere.

By the end of page 3, again, absolutely nothing of interest has happened, and because of that, I'm gone.

Now, don't get me wrong - in terms of this being your first script, it's not terrible by any means, but it's not going anywhere and there's nothing that makes me want to continue.  You need  to understand that you have to do something to get your reader's attention, and you're already 33% done with your script, and zippo.

Work on your story.  Work on your sentence structure.  Not a bad start, but keep on reading and writing and you'll get there, mate.  Hope this doesn't come across too harsh and helps some.

Best to ya.

I'm sorry but I sorta dug this!  I read through the comments and wasn't expecting it to amount to much, but, dammit, it read quick and had a good feel to it.

Any errors didn't distract from the read. Sure, it was nothing original, but hey I liked it!

Steve, good on you for doing heaps of reviewing since u came onboard. If this is your first script then you have picked up some info onsite

Cheers stevie.

Steve

I read this on the blindside so apologies if I repeat what others have already said.
You seem to be doing your fair share of reading on the boards including my own latest script so I had to return the read.

I would drop one of the repeated use of “already” in Gordon’s opening two blocks of dialogue, perhaps the first one.

The page margins seem a little too near the top and bottom of the page, you might need to check your formatting software.

The writing is clean and terse, a lot of white space and very little superficial details. I would look to dropping the use of “and” in the prose though whenever a comma can be used. I believe it makes for a smoother read and frees up space. It may seem like a small thing but it makes a difference on the whole.

As for the story itself, I thought it was ok, a light, throwaway read, good fun with an outrageous, unexpected punch line. I liked the character of Gordon, real smarmy SOB who rightly gets his comeuppance. Michael, on the other hand, was a bit of a blank canvas, not much to him other than being Gordon’s sidekick, he didn’t have much to say or offer.

You could pick apart the final reveal and wonder why Gordon’s Wife was in the club for that period of time and hadn’t contacted her husband. We know she knows he’s in there from the phone conversation in the queue so it’s a bit risky to be scoring with some random guy on the dance floor. Maybe she was getting revenge for her husband’s cheating ways and saw the chat up line sequence with Steve play out so decided to stir the pot. From what you give us we don’t know so it can be assumed she’s just as loose with her nuptials as her philandering spouse.  Anyway, I think that’s missing the point, it was a surprise and worked relatively well because of this unpredictability.

Let me know if you’ve got any other work on the boards and I’ll check it out. I would like to see something with a bit more meat on it from you.

Col.

Just a big thank you to everyone for leaving feedback, it’s much appreciated. There’s been quite a lot since I was last on this thread so will try best to answer back individually.

Ed,
Thanks for your opinion, I know from your work and how much you contribute that it’s always going to be fantastic feedback from yourself. I honestly knew about that comma after I posted and I was so angry with myself for not catching it but nobody had mentioned it yet so thought I had got away with it but there you go noticing it straight away. The orphan I hadn’t noticed so thanks for pointing it out.

Chris,
Thanks for the detailed page revision, I’m sorry that you felt it was pointless but for myself it was a great writing exercise and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it as it was my first experience. I haven’t read any of your work sorry to say but please pm me if there is anything you would like me to have a look at for a return read.  I would be happy too.

James,
Again the same as Chris I haven’t read any of your work so thank you for leaving feedback. I will be only too happy to look at any if you wish so just pm me or I will look out for some. I agree about it being shorter and originally it was but one habit I seem to have at the moment is to just keep adding, it’s an addiction I tell you!

Andrew,
Cheers for the feedback, it didn’t sound British to you? Have I been away that long! Using the barmaid is an intriguing prospect and something to certainly think about later on. Thank you for the kind comments

Jeff,
You don’t come across as harsh, just honest and I appreciate that but only three pages man! I actually thought I had done well with my grammar but now…I’m even worried to write this feedback in case it’s spelled wrong. ;D I very much thank you for the honest and brutal feedback. It feels like I’ve entered the boxing ring for the first round and you’ve given me a massive right uppercut and I’m dazed but I’ll be back, maybe I’ll get you to read 4 pages on my next one…a big maybe though. Thanks. I do actually have Fade to White on my shortlist to read but I think I will be making it past page 3. Good on ya mate.

Stevie,
Thanks for the nice comments, they read even nicer after the previous comments from Jeff, good timing my friend. It’s much appreciated even though you’re a saints fan.

Col,
I did read your script so I know how talented you are. I agree about the “already” by Gordon, it would be read better. I’m not sure about the page margins? Could you explain that please mate? Michael was the sidekick and underused but I didn’t want to extend this any longer than it was, I thought he worked well beside Flash but I know he needed more depth. I do appreciate the kind words you had to say, they mean a lot and I will look at giving some more of your work a look. Thanks again Col.

Right, I think I covered it all. Thanks again to everyone for leaving feedback, I hope to take this and improve with my next work and get Jeff to page 4, it’s a mission but I'll give it a go.  :)

OK, Steve, I felt guilty and went back and finished it.

You continued to miss every comma associated with a name - that's something you should look into - when you use a name in dialogue, it's almost always set off by commas.

While we're talking about using names in dialogue...you used way too many, way too frequently.  It didn't sound natural.  Steve's dialogue sounded like he was a robot, BTW.

As for the entire script, I'd say there's about 4-5 pages worth of material here...tops.  You've included so many mundane, unnecessary action/description lines.  I think you should have developed Carly a little more, and even Gordon's alter ego, The Flash, or at least had Steve or someone comment on the name - "Flash Gordon".

But, the biggest issue (other than very little happens, as I said in my original post), is that this is a 1 trick pony...all a setup for a final punch line joke.  And the believability of all this is pretty low.  I mean, c'mon now...Gordon and Michael see who Steve's with on the dance floor - why wouldn't one of them intervene?  Why wouldn't Gordon go crazy when he finds out his wife is not only cheating on him, but with a loser like Steve, of all peeps?  I don't buy it, and because of that, it's not that funny to me.  Taking that a step further, are we to believe that Gordon's wife got so turned on dancing with Steve, that she just decided to tell him she wanted to blow him and that she likes to swallow?  Again, I don't think so.  IMO, it would be much more effective if Steve hooked up with the wifey, and then got together with the boys the next day, and showed pictures of her first of all, and then used the "...and she swallowed, too" line.

Hey, as for reading Fade, I'd wait on that.  I've been in a rewrite mode on that for awhile, but haven't finished it.  The draft on the boards is very old and the current draft isn't finished and not in readable form.  If you want to read a feature of mine, go for Unforgettable, but PM me, and I'll E-Mail you the final draft, as there are some additions that definitely make a difference.

As I said earlier, this is definitely a solid first attempt at a script, bro.  Keep at it.

Steve, I don't agree with all of Jeff's points.

Yes, it's a one trick pony, but that's acceptable in a short, and probably even desirable.

That they don't intervene on the dance floor is not at all out of the realm of possibility and is arguably consistent with their characters. These are shallow clubbers, all of them. I've seen this kind of thing in person. Flash is a shallow guy, and at heart, he's made of paper. Doesn't shock me at all that he doesn't intervene, because for a guy like that, it's embarrassing.

She's cheating with a loser like Steve because he has the great line, which is kind of the point here. Is that likely? No. But it does happen. There are woman in clubs attracted to that.

Are there woman who after one dance want to leave with a guy, and tell them they'll swallow. Yup. You betcha. This woman knows what she wants. She has limited time. She's done this before. She doesn't waste time. She's been drinking, she ain't shy. I ran a bar/club a long time, and I'm your standard Catholic HS guy, so it always shocked me a little to see this stuff, but I saw it all the time. ESPECIALLY with married couples. But more importantly, they're your characters. As long as they are self consistent, it works. And I think that's the point. Flash probably used a chat up line like this to get his wife. So it's no surprise when the same line, used by someone else, works again. That's the irony in play here. Pretty good for a first story.

Quoted from leitskev Yes, it's a one trick pony, but that's acceptable in a short, and probably even desirable.

Uhhh, I beg to differ.

If you're talking about a visual 1 trick pony or payoff, I wouldn't argue, but we're talking about a spoken 2 word phrase, being the payoff here.

It doesn't help that it's spoken by a secondary character, and the fact that it's about a character we don't even see, or know, is the real killer.

Kevin may have been a bar owner most of his adult life, but I was a bar/nightclub aficionado most of mine.  Yeah, anything goes and everything is possible, but the points I brought up deal with probability.  The ending here is completely for the sake of serving the script and setup, and ending on that 1 liner.  The boys haven't been in the bar long. It's just after 10:00 PM.  Steve danced with the wifey 1 frickin' time.  He's an unattractive, sweaty loser.  The wifey's a hottie.  This 1 + 1 does not add up to 2 here...IMO, that is.

It's basically 9 minutes of nothing with no resolution, ending on a joke line.  If you were developing your characters because something was going to happen to them, that's cool, but in this case, the development (what little there is) is wasted on a non-ending.

But,a s I said twice before, for a first effort, this ain't bad.

I think it should be considered that the very purpose of a film is not to deal with the probable. Probable is the same as everyday, and who wants to see that? People see film to see a snapshot of something different, something interesting. Not something probable.

I actually had more of a problem with how the chose Steve, or even why they were doing this. As clubbers, their purpose is to get laid. Not to get some guy they don't know laid. So I think that should be set up better.

Maybe Flash looks at him and says "Ah, reminds me of me. Before I got some game. Perfected my chat."

Maybe there's some kind of bet between Flash and the other guy.

Probable behavior is not the issue. Character motivation is. Imagine if Flash sees Steve, and mentions that's how he used to be. Couldn't land a broad because he had no chat.  He bets the other guy he could teach Steve the necessary game. Steve says "what kind of chicks can I get with that line?" Flashes reply: "Easy chicks, the kind you only keep for a night." See the irony developing?

Also, if Steve was a good looking guy, this doesn't work. First of all, a good looking guy scoring a hottie? Yawn. That's the norm. But more important, a good looking guy doesn't need a line, certainly not someone else's.

Irony is at the heart of this story, on more than one level. For that we need loser-like guys, a hot chick, and shallow people. With tweaking, and certainly some more entertaining dialogue, you something.

OK, Kevin, not sure why you feel like arguing with me about stuff that doesn't matter, but since football doesn't start for a few hours and my back is still out, I'll play along.

Your misinterpreting what I'm saying...probably on purpose, but nonetheless, misinterpreting it.

I made a single comment about probability, yet you chose to focus on it.  The things I said were improbable, are simply that, and it's not the ho-hum normality kind of probability I'm referring to.

It's extremely unlikely that a normal chick can overcome some sort of killer or creature, right?  Yet, it happens and needs to happen in every single horror movie ever made (almost).

The list of acceptable and even necessary improbable things goes on and on, and there's nothing wrong with them whatsoever.

This is a completely different animal I'm referring to here, though, isn't it?  A hot married chick dancing with a nerdy douche a single time, early in the night, at the same place her A-Hole hubby is with his buds, getting so incredibly horny (for some unknown reason) that she tells him she swallows, but then not following up on any of it, anyways.  Does that really work for you?  And if it does, what does it do for you?

I don't mean to attack Steve, his script, or his writing, but I will definitely defend my opinion and comments, especially when they 100% correct.

I just don't get it.

Hey Kev, Jeff,

It’s gone two in the morning here so forgive the sloppiness; I’ve been drinking red wine and watching Snakes on a Plane, horrible movie BTW.

First of all Jeff, do not feel guilty, I meant it humorous and I for one love your honest feedback, it’s sometimes the only way to learn. The comma’s after the names I did realise after I’d posted but what can you do, it’s an amateur error but guess what, I’m amateur! Actually I’m probably lower than an amateur at the moment; call me a beginner with a lot to learn to become an amateur.

Kevin,

We have already spoken on many occasions so you know why feelings and how I respect you as a writer so thank you again for jumping in and giving your views.

Overall the story was about a married man who cheated on his wife and thought he was the top dog. He then found out his wife was cheating on him! For Flash it’s unbelievable, he’s too attractive, handsome and smug to believe this could happen to him. Steve was there to add some extra spice to this revelation, he’s ugly and totally opposite of Flash. A prank gone wrong if you like. It was a simple tale to craft some writing technique and on the whole I was pretty happy about it, a couple of things bothered me afterwards, I’m not perfect by any stretch but I do believe in perfection in my work so thank you to both for pointing out things to make it better as a whole and you were both right in what you had to say.

Jeff,

Just a couple of points, the legal age in the U.K and Australia is eighteen to serve alcohol maybe even sixteen if it’s a restaurant.

I will pm you my email address so you can E-Mail me the Unforgettable script if you don’t mind? I would love to give it a read.

Thanks again guys for both your feedback and comments.

I have to go to bed now, I’m pretty tired and I have a feeling this will look horrible in the morning but let’s see.

Have a good one.

Steve.

I'm impressed...


...if it was 2am in the morning my writing would make no sense. Kudos!

Steve, the legal serving age in Massachusetts is also 18. I had a couple of 19 yr old girls over the years work at my place. So perfectly plausible.

I was just suggesting possible ways to go. If Steve uses a line given to him by Flash to pick up Flash's wife, that would be pretty cool irony. Irony is a very powerful tool in story. Sometimes things like that emerge after your first draft. We had a long thread discussion on theme this summer. When I researched it this summer, I found that many famous writers found that theme did not emerge until after the first draft. When it becomes apparent at that point, it gets focused in on the rewrites. Good to have options like that, anyway.

Hi Steve.

Overall I thought this was a good effort, especially as you say it's your first script. I'm in the early stages of writing myself so I get what you mean when you say it was a writing exercise. So far I've only written one script, for an OWC, which is a hugely valuable learning experience and would definitely recommend you take part in one.

Anyway, back to the script. Although I could see the punchline coming, I still loved it because Flash got what was coming. It's already been pointed out that he's a fine character, and I'd say that's because you've written him well. I've known guys like him so can see him clearly. Also I loved when he called Carly sweetheart, then love, and when she calls him on it he switches to darling. Nice.

I liked the fact he had the phone call and told her he was going one place so he could go cheat in the other. This to me meant that when his wife is in the club she was actually not calling to meet him, but to avoid him, so she could cheat too. He's not as cool as he thinks.

While on the subject of the phone call, I'm not sure if there's an official rule for them, but I tend to go with '...' instead of a parenthetical. That may just be because I don't like them though, I feel like they clog the page. Also when I write dialogue I don't like it to start on one page and finish on another. Again not sure if it really matters, but I like the discipline of keeping it on the same page. You do it twice, from page 1-2 and from 5-6. Certainly on page one it can be avoided, as a few lines up you have 'He looks to Michael, raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.'  The word 'head' is what (thanks to Dreamscale in the OWC) I learnt is an orphan. One word alone on a line that can be avoided. Replace 'and' with a comma. Done.

I think a lot of my other thoughts have been addressed already, but I really feel Michael needs a bit more to him, especially if you do go on to re-write. Although it's gone down well I wasn't too keen on the mingers line. I'm English so I've heard the word plenty of times and it does fit, but I'd of preferred him to say something along the lines of 'It's like revenge of the swamp donkeys, part eight in here tonight'. I don't know where it came from but I amused myself while writing it, and I feel that it would give him a little more personality. Probably just me though.

Well, I'm sure I've bored you enough now.

Cheers.

Hey Arty, (Hope you don't mind me calling you that?)

I haven't seen you around so thank you for the kind comments. I agree with you about having the dialogue over two pages, I think it looks messy and will look to avoid in the future if possible. The "beats" or parenthetical in the phone conversion I don't mind as long as it's not excessive but i understand where you are coming from. We all have our quirks and preferences don't we.

I liked the mingers line and I thought it gave it a British charm because it's a line I used to use as a eighteen year old clubber, when I thought I was the ladies man. ;D ;D

Your line is pretty funny, :) I may steal it for a future project if you don't mind?

Thanks again for some insightful comments Arty, if you could give me the title of your OWC script, I'd love to give a read over and return the favor.

Cheers.

Steve

Hey man.

You may call me whatever you like, not too keen on stupid though. My actual real life name is Roy, though people do call me Arty as it's my initials... R.T. Genius, huh?

Your script does have a very British feel, and the mingers line is something me and my friends used to say too. I think the swamp donkey thing came to me because we used to try and one-up each other with either cruder or funnier ways to say the same thing. And I certainly don't mind if you steal it. Having liked it myself I planned to put it in the feature I'm trying to write, but I'll just make it part seven or something instead. Would be amusing to see it pop up in random scripts over time though. But, maybe thats just me.

As for reviewing my OWC is it cool if I ask you not to? It's pretty bad and I had over twenty reviews due to the fact it was an OWC, so I know  where I can improve it. Like you've said with this one, it was more of an exercise for me, and I'm not too sure whether I will go back to it at some point. I have recently submitted a short here, hopefully it will go up in the next few weeks or so, so can I be cheeky and ask you to keep your eyes peeled for that one instead?

Anyways keep on truckin.

Roy/Arty/Whatever.

Hey stupid,(mean Roy) ;D

No worries, I will definitely keep an eye out for your new short script but if I miss it for any reason. You make sure you pm me and give me a kick up the ass.

BTW, love Newquay. Went there for a lad’s holiday a few years back and had a great time!

Cheers, Roy.

Steve.

Steve I read it first and then went to the replies... I noticed you missed 6734 commas and that was just the 1st line, from there it went downhill :)

I understand the whole language, being originally from ireland.. "Minger" :)
I did enjoy it and yes i guessed it was his wife at the end and the story was a little weak, which everyone has pointed out.
I liked the fact you hid the chat up line, im guessing it was probably some really corney British line, like "oohh you have lovely bloomers" from the old "Carry on" movies... Where am I going with this..I forgot.... I figured so much has been said in the last 37 replies for a 7 page script, that even your replies are repeating themselves :)
I do have one pet peeve though which hasn`t been mentioned..... I hate (beat)! IMO It`s usually best not to instuct an actor when to pause... If you have to, find a more descriptive word or describe a small action,gesture, or facial expression that accomplishes the same purpose, but which also adds a characterization.
e.g.    
Gordon    
You got the flash
(beat)
Hey baby

Gordon
You got the flash
(with a smug grin)
Hey baby

Adds a little character.

Good luck, it looks like you have a great sense of humour too, or sorry humor(for Americans)

Mark

Steve,

I commend you for putting a script up for review and for participating as a reader.

For the most part, “The Chat Up Line” is predictable, the characters are as expected and the dialogue is sometimes mechanical.  Similar to most writers’ first scripts.  Nothing wrong with that; you’ve jump-started your writing career. Congrats.

On the plus, aside from the missing commas, you handle most of the formatting well.  And you’ll learn more as you go.

Your opening scene introduces the 2 main characters, establishes that Gordon is married, that he cheats on his wife and lacks charm.
I notice there no distinct physical description of Gordon: facial features, body type, etc.  Not even sure he has good looks.

I think Gordon suffers from low self-esteem, which I think prompts him to act the way he does.

The irony is that Gordon isn’t clever.  He can’t finesse his way past a bouncer, and comes off crude, rude and arrogant with a young bartender.  He has absolutely no killer line(s).
I'm fine with this.

Because he’s a cheater, I would think he would be especially aware of phone callers (i.e. Miranda) — with most phones, caller ID is visible.
The wedding ring removal scene doesn’t work.  Seems backwards.  What’s its purpose?

Gordon’s conversation with Miranda is a bit too on the nose, for my liking.     Find ways to spin the predictable. And use conversation to give information in an organic way, while helping to move the story forward.

Miranda tells Gordon that she is “coming out after all”?  It’s kind of a clever line for later, as in “No More Secrets.” But it clogs your story.
Once you establish that Miranda is coming to the club, ANY CLUB, that thought is planted in our minds. Most will overlook or forget the important detail you were going for — Quakers Club, not Time.

Show the TIME NIGHTCLUB sign. Establish visual location in the first sentence, as the clubbers line up.

              Question:   Is Quakers a club?
If so, why would Gordon tell his wife he is going to a club — and without her?  I thought he was trying to be discreet.     In most stories, cheating characters tell their spouses they are working late.  That’s a cliché, but there’s a reason it’s used.  Your challenge is to come up with a “working late-type" excuse in a clever way.

             Question 2 :  Does Gordon go clubbing regularly?  He doesn’t act like it.

Your story needs Michael to work better as a gap filler, a sounding board or the voice of reason.

I think Gordon, not Michael, should say, “There’s some real mingers in here.”  That's in character with Gordy.

The Steve scenes need work.
He’s awkward and obviously striking out with the mingers.  He might be ignored, but should not laughed at.
Steve is a greasy pudge. He has just been dissed by the ladies, so he’s peeved.  Or he feels sorry for himself.  However, he has pride.
He won’t admit to “trying to pull the birds.”
When G and M call out his style, maybe he stands up for himself. Man to man, to the point: “Thanks for the beer, mate. But I don't shag blokes.”
Give him an attitude. Steve is too bland, too easy.

When G and M say they want to “help” him, Steve has got to ask ‘what’s in it for you?’ or ‘what’re you selling?’
Keep his suspicions up.
Make Gordon have to prove himself.  He hasn’t approached a woman all night.

When Gordon says, “We do [use the chat up line]. All the time.”  
Steve might counter:  “Wow.  Sign me up.”


I don’t mind that we never know the Secret line, because whatever it is will be a Disappointment.  It works best as a MacGuffin.

Another direction —
When questioned about the chat up line (which at this point we know doesn't exist), it might be fun for Gordon to tell Michael: “I made up a perfectly forgettable  line.  Something like… well, whatever. Long forgotten now.”

And then when the line works, and the whole swallowing issue comes to light, I can see Gordon becoming ill. Runs to the loo.

Michael asks Steve:
“What did you say to Miranda?”
Steve (winking): “It's our secret.”

_______
Backtracking:

The whole wife thing showing up at the club seemed awkwardly handled.  It takes Gordon and Michael a good while to recognize Miranda. If she is that hot, i would think they'd have their antennas up.  Afterall, the club is filled with mingers.
Maybe in the phone conversation with Miranda, she tells Gordon that she is going out with an old girlfriend.
Then shows up at the Time with this friend, another killer babe.

To avoid some of the initial awkwardness, maybe Steve is told to try the chat up line on any bird of his choosing.  Then he disappears in the crowd.

This will buy time as to why the guys don't notice Miranda.  Just a thought.

In closing, the story has some potential as a rewrite.  Work to sidestep the cliches, but be careful of getting too convoluted.
I like the idea of the "secret" line. Maybe this is the thread.  Foreshadow in conversation between Gordon and Michael.  Outside of the club, while waiting.  Keep their conversation on women. What Gordon and Michael like, their dislikes; they joke about awful "chat up" lines.
Gordon is the conquest king. Michael is the admirer of Gordon, the conquest king.
Establish some idiosyncrasies.

The final irony could be that Gordon came up with the perfect chat up line as a gag on Steve, but that it actually worked.

Anyway, good job, Steve. There is a lot to learn, but you seem willing.

Abe

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the feedback; we’ve already spoken in a pm so I won’t go into much detail. I know you hate “beat” you’ve made that very clear.

Abe,

I have to thank you for the clear and insightful comments you have left, it means a lot to me that you would go into such detail. I wasn’t going to comment again on this short but after reading your feedback, I felt that the least you deserved is acknowledgment that I had taken your advice into account.

I apologise for not going into more depth with your individual comments but I want you to know that you have made some excellent suggestions and tips which will not only help me with the rewrite of this short but with future projects as well.

Please feel free to pm or direct me to anything of yours that you would like feedback or opinion of and I will be more than happy to return the read.

Thanks again guys, all feedback is good feedback!

Steve

Ha!  Love the punchline here!  I think this could be a really funny and filmable short but IMO it REALLY needs a trim.

The set up with Michael and Gordon goes pretty long.  And I think we need to know that Gordon's marriage is in trouble.  I wasn't sure who Miranda was...thought maybe it was his wife but wasn't sure.  To speed it up instead of a drawn out phone call maybe he gets a text, scans it and tells Michael that she's coming.  

Carly plays too big of a part with really nothing to add to your story except to show that the guys are jerky but we get that without her help.

Pgs. 2 thru 6 don't do much to push your story forward,  A lot of talking but we don't learn anything new.  

I do really like the idea.  It needs a better set up though.  The plot was vague.  the title is "The Chat Up Line" but we don't really get to that until somwhere in the middle.  Your opening makes it seem like it's more about Gordon cheating on Miranda which we don't see him do.  His only real focus is on Steve.  You just need to focus on your plot.  And I wasn't sure if the chat up line was something Gordon actually uses or was he just having fun at Steve's expense?  

I hope you rewrite this.  It's a very funny concept.  :D

Hei Steve.
You said you don't have experience and wrote this. I imagine what would you come up with experienced. Very nice story, but seems more like of a scene from a feature lenth comedy then independent short. IMO. I think you could make out of it a comedy. The story is good, so to say about the writing. Easy read. Hope to see more of your work.


Jahongir!

Marnie,

Thank you for the read and giving some positive feedback. I agree with you about plot, something I need to learn as a new writer is a story’s structure. Rewrite it? I’m not sure yet but, Flash may return one day I think. Cheers.

Jahongir,

Thanks for the read buddy and I’m happy you enjoyed it, also glad it was a easy read for you which is always nice to hear.

Thanks again guys, much appreciated. Cheers :)

Steve

Hey, Steve...

Returning the read.  I hate coming in late, everything was pretty much covered.  I don't know if this is your first attempt or not, but it was solid.  I don't do comedy, I'm not good at it... but I agree, the last line, i busted a gut.  And that's saying a lot coming from a guy with no sense of humor.

Clearly you can write.  I'll be on the lookout for your next script, and jump in on it quick.

But do re-write this though... it's definitely worth it.  JMHO.

Ghostie

Hi Coop - I completely missed this one - didn't realise it was one of yours. It's the first script you posted? I take that means it's not the first script you've written - formatting's very impressive for a first posting - hardly any typo's (maybe put one or two in, just to give us something to do..?:))

I did try and read some of the postings here, but there's any awful lot of them, so I'm just going to go with my thoughts - please forgive me if I'm repeating too much.

I'm only looking at the story.

It was basically a joke that you would tell in a bar - I don't mean any offence here, so please don't take it that way - and to some extent there's nothing wrong in that - but I do think that nine minutes to effectively tell a 'joke' is too long - and this can easily be worked into a 3-5 pager.

I think some of the postings have referred to the outside sequence - I agree that this could be dropped altogether - it felt very superfluous: else you could have the guy's wife ring him, and then him looking at a neon sign - then telling his wife a different nightclub - as part of your setup, it couldn't be clearer.

Otherwise, you could start in the nightclub, with the guys at the bar. Re. the bar I think there are two issues here:

1.) Introducing Steve - is a bit cumbersome, and really stretches the imagination a bit as they don't know the guy. I think it could be done that Steve is their friend, but he's (and I hope I don't cause any offence here) the short fat useless one etc - that can be completed in a quick bit of dialogue.

2.) Carly is underused - it's also possible, maybe that Steve can be removed altogether, then have the guys maybe as new work colleagues, so that Carly delivers the line to Michael, and she acts as the distraction when Michael goes to dance. That utilises her character more.

Just rolling ideas around really - anything to make the script a little leaner - I think it'd work better if it was quicker, as there did appear to be some surplus.

All in all though, great work for a first post - I look forward to reading some more of your stuff.

Simon

--I've read half of the posts, so I'm going to go and read the rest now - so I might update this later on.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Hey, Steve... Returning the read.  I hate coming in late, everything was pretty much covered.  I don't know if this is your first attempt or not, but it was solid.  I don't do comedy, I'm not good at it... but I agree, the last line, i busted a gut.  And that's saying a lot coming from a guy with no sense of humor. Clearly you can write.  I'll be on the lookout for your next script, and jump in on it quick. But do re-write this though... it's definitely worth it.  JMHO. Ghostie

Thanks for the return read, Ghostie. It's much appreciated.

Glad it made you laugh and thanks for the words of encouragement, they're always nice to hear.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Forgive Hi Coop - I completely missed this one - didn't realise it was one of yours.

I thought you were just avoiding me! ;D

Quoted from Forgive formatting's very impressive for a first posting - hardly any typo's (maybe put one or two in, just to give us something to do..?:))

That’s right, finally someone understands why I left out a load of comma’s and put in a few spelling mistakes. I wanted to give you guys something to do. Thanks for noticing, Simon. :)

Quoted from Forgive It was basically a joke that you would tell in a bar - I don't mean any offence here, so please don't take it that way - and to some extent there's nothing wrong in that - but I do think that nine minutes to effectively tell a 'joke' is too long - and this can easily be worked into a 3-5 pager.

I agree with you, it was originally only supposed to be 5 to 6 pages but as a new writer I got carried away and kept adding more. I’ll have to learn stop that.

Quoted from Forgive it felt very superfluous: else you could have the guy's wife ring him, and then him looking at a neon sign - then telling his wife a different nightclub - as part of your setup, it couldn't be clearer.

Good suggestion, I may get of this scene altogether though when I do a rewrite as like you a lot of people have thought this was superfluous.

Quoted from Forgive 1.) Introducing Steve - is a bit cumbersome, and really stretches the imagination a bit as they don't know the guy. I think it could be done that Steve is their friend, but he's (and I hope I don't cause any offence here) the short fat useless one etc - that can be completed in a quick bit of dialogue.

But this would cause another problem IMO, Steve would know Flash's wife as they are friends, hence making it less likely the two would get to together. You have to remember these are confident drinking guys, they don't mind talking to strangers. Well I know I didn't when I was out on the town. :)

Quoted from Forgive Carly is underused - it's also possible, maybe that Steve can be removed altogether, then have the guys maybe as new work colleagues, so that Carly delivers the line to Michael, and she acts as the distraction when Michael goes to dance. That utilises her character more.

This isn't a bad suggestion at all, you left me thinking? Good comment!

Quoted from Forgive Just rolling ideas around really - anything to make the script a little leaner - I think it'd work better if it was quicker, as there did appear to be some surplus.

I agree. And it's always good to roll a few ideas around so thank you for that.

Quoted from Forgive All in all though, great work for a first post - I look forward to reading some more of your stuff.

Just don't leave it so long next time!! :) :) Just kidding, mate.

Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated. Is there anything you want me to take a look at? Just pm me.

Thanks again. :)

Steve

I've cleared out the crap on this thread. There has been some bannage.  There has been some notifications made to internet providers.  Note to all, please don't troll on your company 's computer.   Steve, thanks for your patience on this.  

All, please stay on topic.  Please don't fuck with me on this.  

So, to stay on topic...

Bear in mind that I've been binging on BBC America (The Fades, The IT Crowd, Sherlock, The OFfice (uk) )  I liked this script.  The build up was great, however, I didn't like the payoff.  I do like that "Flash" got his, just not how he got it.  I think the 'ownage' could have been toned down a little.  

However, I liked the snappy dialouge.  

Don

Quoted from Don Bear in mind that I've been binging on BBC America (The Fades, The IT Crowd, Sherlock, The OFfice (uk) )  I liked this script.  The build up was great, however, I didn't like the payoff.  I do like that "Flash" got his, just not how he got it.  I think the 'ownage' could have been toned down a little.   However, I liked the snappy dialouge.   Don

Hey Don,

Thank you for taking a look even though you were brought here by unfortunate events. I’m glad you liked it in general and the dialogue worked for you, I did work hard to keep as natural as possible to the characters I was trying to portray.

Sorry you didn’t care for the payoff, I personally thought it worked well but we all see things differently I guess.

Thanks again. :)

Steve

As promised last night, I read this today.

The writing was fine. No complaints there.

Story wise, I think 9 pages is a bit long for a short about two guys chatting at a night club. It would even be a long scene in a feature, but maybe that's just me. I think some of the stuff outside the club can be cut out.

I didn't get why Gordon takes off his ring when Miranda is coming over. Seems he should be putting it on instead.

I had a feeling it would be Gordon's wife on the dance floor. I knew Gordon was going to get a taste of his own medicine, so there was no real surprise there. I hated Gordon though so the ending, even if no surprise, felt at least satisfying.

Michael wasn't much of a character really. Not much to say about him.

All in all, well written story that works, but could be a little tighter as it feels long for what it is.

Hey Pia,

Sorry for my late reply, Just want to thank you for your honest feedback and you are absolutely right in what you say, which is basically it needs to be shorter.

As it was my first piece and after reading some of your own work, for you say it was well written I take as a massive compliment! Thank you so much for taking a look.

Again apologies for my late response, couldn't be helped I'm afraid.

All the best. :)

Steve

hey steve, liked the script. got a nice evil laugh out of the end. i had no problems with the Aussie lingo. i think it was pretty obvious what you meant once it got going.

i didnt see THAT ending coming, but i had a pretty good feeling they were putting the dude on and he was going score anyway....still effective though

but yeah not much to add.  good stuff
cheers!

Hey Chris,

Thanks for taking a look, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Penoyer79 got a nice evil laugh out of the end.

Mwa ha ha! I do love a good evil laugh.

Quoted from Penoyer79 i had no problems with the Aussie lingo.

I was going for British actually but I'll take either one, thanks.

Thanks again for the read, much appreciated.

Cheers :)

Steve, you’ve had a lot of valuable feedback already but as I’m a learner too I’d like to learn a bit more by commenting on your first script.
The contrast in the attire of Gordon with Michael is well observed –shirtsleeves only is spot-on for an inveterate ‘clubber’ such as Gordon –but I would have liked to see this difference reflected more in their interaction. Michael’s trimmed beard and long coat suggests a studied self regard that might be expressed as a superior attitude towards Gordon.  Perhaps this might be shown in Michael’s more obvious manipulation of Gordon for his own amusement.
There are some inconsistencies, I think, in Gordon’s behaviour. Wouldn’t a character like he be more inclined to con a drink – perhaps in return for his ‘can’t fail’ chat-up line -- rather than altruistically shell out for a stranger? But it is his response in the face of his total humiliation that doesn’t ring true for me. Reverting to a polite, “Could I have a drink please?” (unnecessarily repeated) seems to me wrong and misses a great opportunity for Carley to twist the knife in his injured pride: What if she should say something like, “She scores like that every week, you little prick.”
As already said it would be good to have more of Carley and the feistier the better. Rather than a mere ‘sigh’ in response to Gordon’s sexist endearments a ‘finger’ would be more likely from a barmaid who must have heard it all loads’a times.
There are other places where the writing could be trimmed to make the script sharper and a couple of misuses of the question mark (e.g.  I don’t believe it?) but I enjoyed the read and hope you might post a rewrite. And, when I have the balls to do so, perhaps you will return the favour and review my first posted script?

Hey Steve,

Sorry that I'm getting to this one so late but like a few others I didn't realize this one was yours.  Also as a rank amateur, I don't know how much I can help but I figure I owe you a read.

So I did see the punch-line coming practically from the moment he lies about which bar he's going to but for what it was, I think it was a pretty good script.  I thought the slang gave the piece a bit of colour without being too indecipherable; I could figure out pretty much everything from context.  Obviously, I can't give you any tips on formatting :)  

I think if you ever get around to revising this you want to give Michael more to do or cut him out as he's pretty much a non-entity.  Also, I would have liked Gordon actually trying to chat up someone.  Seems like they spend a lot of time talking about how Gordon's trying to pick up, anything that moves, but it seems like they spend more time with Steve than anything else.

Anyway, I hope that helps.  Overall a great first effort!

:Duan

Hey Carter,

Thanks for taking a look at my script; you’ve made some valid points here.

Quoted from cartertaylor I would have liked to see this difference reflected more in their interaction.

It would have been nice to add something in their interaction but I thought it was already too long and didn’t to add extra pages with what I would consider unnecessary dialogue.

Quoted from cartertaylor Michael’s trimmed beard and long coat suggests a studied self regard that might be expressed as a superior attitude towards Gordon.

Michael is the more refined of the two but I think I failed in bringing that across, this was Flash’s show, Michael was the sidekick but definitely will try to beef up his role on a rewrite.

Quoted from cartertaylor Wouldn’t a character like he be more inclined to con a drink – perhaps in return for his ‘can’t fail’ chat-up line -- rather than altruistically shell out for a stranger?

Fair point but Gordon likes to show off his money, he’s a showman, player and doesn’t mind throwing round a few bucks to give off his image. We all wish we had a few bucks to throw around right? ;D

Quoted from cartertaylor But it is his response in the face of his total humiliation that doesn’t ring true for me. Reverting to a polite, “Could I have a drink please?” (unnecessarily repeated) seems to me wrong

I think I have commented on this before but am happy to again. This was meant, Gordon is humiliated, shocked, his persona gone which shrinks him to what he really is under all the talk, a normal, hurt human being.

Quoted from cartertaylor misses a great opportunity for Carley to twist the knife in his injured pride: What if she should say something like, “She scores like that every week, you little prick.”

That for me would be out of context of her character and what a barmaid would do in this situation. I mean Gordon has just given her a nice little tip and was he really that offensive to deserve that. I don’t know, maybe…something to think about anyway.

Quoted from cartertaylor As already said it would be good to have more of Carley and the feistier the better.

Yeah, that’s a fair comment.

Quoted from cartertaylor There are other places where the writing could be trimmed to make the script sharper

Would you mind elaborating? I wouldn’t mind knowing for the rewrite and for my own personal curiosity, always like to know where I can improve.

Quoted from cartertaylor misuses of the question mark (e.g.  I don’t believe it?)

Good spot!

Quoted from cartertaylor I enjoyed the read and hope you might post a rewrite. And, when I have the balls to do so, perhaps you will return the favour and review my first posted script?

Glad you enjoyed the read. I will post a rewrite but it’s down on the priorities at the moment.
You’ve given some insightful comments here and look forward to returning the read, just pm me when some of your work is uploaded. There’s an OWC starting the end of the week so that would be a good chance to write something and get involved in if you’re interested.

Thanks again for taking a look, much appreciated.

Cheers :)

Hey Duan,

Thanks for taking a look man and everything you said will be of great help, I’m also a
rank amateur so you’re not alone there my friend. :)

I’m glad you liked it on the whole and I agree with you and everybody that either Michael needs more to do or be cut, I think it might be the latter if I’m honest.

Quoted from dbailey I would have liked Gordon actually trying to chat up someone.  Seems like they spend a lot of time talking about how Gordon's trying to pick up, anything that moves, but it seems like they spend more time with Steve than anything else.

Yeah, I think I could rework this with Carly, some angle with him hitting on her but still haven’t figured it out yet.

Thanks again for the comments, duly noted.

Cheers :)

Hey Steve.

Lol.  Couldn't help but notice you used your own name as a character in your script.  I always wonder when I see an author do that if there's anything behind it.  :-)

I thought this was amusing.  Knowing it was taking place at a nightclub, I know you weren't going to go for anything life changing... but I still got a positive feeling from reading.  (The way you built Gordon up as a prick definately made the ending satisfying.)

There is a lot in the pages that isn't needed or didn't add anything to the story, so it would be better if this were cut down to a 5 pager or so.  It would read a lot more crisp.  Not that it wasn't crisp, but it could use a brushing up to get rid of some slack.

(For instance, you can shift the first scene to the inside of the club, since the bouncer didn't add anything.  It wasn't an obstacle for them to get in.  Just little examples like that.)

But this was a pretty solid little story, and especially for a first script.

Good job.  I enjoyed it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for bringing this back to the forefront and you’re absolutely right, this needed to be shorter!  I wasted too much space with superfluous detail but it all felt important when writing it, I just couldn’t stop myself. ;D

I’m glad you enjoyed it and that was the main goal other than a writing practice, to give readers a smile. ;)

Thanks again for the read and bump on this.

Steve

Steve,
As your first, I liked it and I got the Aussieness to it, but was this meant to be british, ie: 'pounds'. I like where it opened, ie: outside the club, in the cold, and because it was a fast read, I don't believe this hindered it.

The first thing I noticed was the gap between 'FADE IN' and your first scene. I don't believe it's meant to be that wide.

'GORDON
Hell no. There's more than enough
Flash to go around. Miranda's one
lucky woman to even have a piece
of this.'

I really liked this - not that I liked what he was doing though.

I liked the twist and don't think the chat up line was all that important to know in the end because of this. I think keeping it out works better.

Thinking about it on screen - yes the audience needs to be suprised that Miranda is the one hooking up with Steve, but a producer/director needs to know who is in the shot and Miranda's name needs to be in the script when she is in the club. I also liked the phone call idea mentioned - I believe that she would call when she got to the club.

I also agree with Michael being a blank canvass, more of a character to him would be nice.

I didn't believe the 'Thanks' from Carly. I thought she would just kind of grin and walk off.

'STEVE
Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend
to help me?'

I know this has already been picked at, but it does sound very formal. I could imagine him saying something more like: 'I'm Steve. So, how are you gonna help me?' It's not a big change, but it's less formal.

All in all - I did like it, I think you do have the makings for a good screenwriter and by the end I did want more of the story, which, IMO, is a good thing.  :)

Renee

This was a decent read that took a little effort to figure out the slang.  

I'd make it more clear that Flash is telling his wife to go to a different club than the one he's at.  Maybe there's a club across the street that he's telling her to go to.

I don't think you need to reveal exactly what the chat up line is, but you could leave clues as to what it is through dialogue.

Good job.

Hey Renee,

Thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from RJ As your first, I liked it and I got the Aussieness to it, but was this meant to be british, ie: 'pounds'.

Yes it’s meant to be British but a few others have mentioned about it being Australian, either way I’m happy.

Quoted from RJ The first thing I noticed was the gap between 'FADE IN' and your first scene. I don't believe it's meant to be that wide.

Not too sure on the technical aspect of that to be honest but I do like white space on the page so I think it works.

I’m glad that you liked it overall, you’ve made some good notes and observations here so good on you for taking a look and leaving feedback.

Nomad,

Thanks for the read, buddy. Glad the slang took little effort for you to figure out. Please pm me if there is anything you would like a read on?

Thanks again, appreciated.  :)

Steve

Sorry if I repeated any of the comments above. I haven't read them all, only the first page. I decided to check this out as you left comments on my BE spec.

Minor things (see below), but these things don't detract from the story. It was easy to follow. The structure was good and provided a comical punch for a 10 minute short.

page 2: Gordon turns to the bar, clicks his fingers to the bartender...

Did you mean "snaps" his fingers? I'm not sure if this is a British versus American slang though.

page 3: The mini - slug "BAR" is all alone at the bottom. Might be best just to move it to the next page.

STEVE
Chat up line, I don't know.

I think this ought to be "Chat up line? I don't know."

pg 5:
MICHAEL
That's right mate, it never fails!

Again, ought to be "That's right mate. It never fails!"

pg 6:
Steve thrusts one of his arms in the air in celebration
Looks at Steve's sweaty head, leans back

Both sentences are missing periods.

Again, these are minor things. Good job!

RB

Hey Reginald,

Thanks for the feedback, mate.

I greatly appreciate all feedback and notes.

"Clicks" is a British term for "snaps"

All other things mentioned are correct and have been fixed now.

Thanks again. :)

Steve

Hello Steve,

Great job for a first script. I really liked the theme you were playing with.

I also thought the tension on not revealing the chat up line worked... but could be also be tightened with the reveal of it, at the end.

Hi Steve,

Thought I'd return the favour and give some feedback after you kindly read some of my MEAT script.

This flowed quite well IMO. Personally I found the first page the most interesting as it gave some detail to the characters behaviour. The initial arrogance from Gordy queing up and the quip back from the Bouncer I enjoyed.

I also got and liked the little visual exchange between Gordy and Michael during the phone conversation with Gordy's wife...and wished there was more of this non verbal action.

But as soon as we enter the club it kinda lost my interest: I know they're sposed to be unlikable characters, but they're also quite dull.

The lengthy conversations seemed quite unreal to me too, if I take my own clubbing experience into account. Usually words are shouted or lip read above the music drowning you out, but your dialogue rolls of the tongue without any loud music distracting or troubling the exchanges. And this IMO, if you do re-write this, could easily be used to make the scene more interesting and believable.

Cheers Steve.

Rob

Thanks Rob and Louise for taking a look at my script, all feedback is appreciated.

Quoted from Robbie37 This flowed quite well IMO. Personally I found the first page the most interesting as it gave some detail to the characters behaviour. The initial arrogance from Gordy queing up and the quip back from the Bouncer I enjoyed.

That's funny because most readers thought this opening was superfluous but it shows how different people see things.

Quoted from Robbie37 The lengthy conversations seemed quite unreal to me too, if I take my own clubbing experience into account. Usually words are shouted or lip read above the music drowning you out, but your dialogue rolls of the tongue without any loud music distracting or troubling the exchanges. And this IMO, if you do re-write this, could easily be used to make the scene more interesting and believable.

Yeah I understand where you're coming from here from my own clubbing days but I didn't want the dialogue to be broken up as I think it would hurt the flow. But certainly something to think about.

Thanks again. :)

Hey Steve

I was going through my own threads and I realized that you had made comments on all of my scripts and I hadn't provided a review on your work.

The script was well-written. The dialogue was awesome and you had a very clever ending. Just out of interest, did you come up with the punch-line or was it taken from a joke you'd heard before?

Sorry, I don't have anything else to comment on... Probably a good thing ;D

Daniel

Hey Coop

Decided to return a read.Not having read the other reviews, I'm going into this fresh.  

My thoughts:

This was funny. I liked the ending. Took me completely surprise.

I think Gordon should reveal what he advised Steve to say.

I think this can be done all inside the club. Makes it more low budget. :). The guys can talk while in the men's bathroom.

That's it. Hope this helps.

Gabe

Lolz... funny one. Poor gordy.

Good job, mate.

I like this script exactly as is... no need to reveal "the line" - it isn't important to drive the story, having been served in Steve's ear, and then into Miranda's - its job is done (knowing it won't make a speck of difference, except have people commenting "that wouldn't work...".  

I think the dialogue and action in the queue initially goes some way to exposition of the characters, and is important - especially the call and putting the ring in the pocket (the slimey prick)...

The 'twist', though not up with "Sixth Sense", is still enough of a pay off... IMHO...  It isn't a strong story, and won't win any festival prizes, but it is filmable and works...

Thanks for the hit, guys! It's great to see this come back to the top again. ;D

Dan,

Thanks for a taking a look and I'm delighted you enjoyed it. This was my first attempt and I was really pleased with how it turned out.

Gabe,

Your feedback is much appreciated, I think you'll the first that was surprised by the ending.

James,

Thanks for giving my script some of your time and it's good to see you commenting on other scripts. Thanks, mate.

Gerry,

Thank you very much for the feedback, when someone states they like your script as is then they're okay in my books. ;D I don't know if I've read any of your scripts but please don't hesitate to pm me or direct me to one so I could return the read.

Thanks again, guys. Your comments are appreciated. :)

Steve

Steve, the one script I posted was shocking... don't bother looking for it (I even miss spelled the title :/ )  I have two in the works ('Henchman', and 'A Cold Sleep Rouse') - and I promise, they are much, much better.  

Hi Steve,

For a first script it’s pretty good. I thought the dialogue had good content and flowed along nicely which is great as I like to read fast. I had a feeling the wife was going to be involved somehow at the end and I enjoyed the twist at the end and how the prank backfired.  :)




Kellie

This was good. You fleshed out the Flash character quickly and effectively. It's obvious the guy's a d-bag and is in for some comeuppance, and you delivered on that promise. The middle drags, just slightly. I still wanted to see Flash get burned. Once Flash mocks Steve, I figured Steve would score with Flash's wife. But it didn't spoil the story, at all. Also, ignore any comments that read you should've revealed what Gordon said to Steve, Steve.

LOL.

I think that sums up this script for me. I loved it and I found myself actually laughing out loud while reading it, which is rare. I didn't see the end coming either... just brilliant. Great work man.

Thanks for the reads Kellie, Rockland and Steve.

Some nice compliments in there which is much appreciated and always nice to hear, gives you boost.

I agree, Rockland that the middle section dragged and the whole piece could do with some shaving, I reckon 3 pages could be taken off easily now but I never saw this when writing it.

It’s the peeps on here which have made me realise this and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Less is more sometimes.

Thanks again, guys and girls. :)

Hi Steve- I get the impression you watched Night at the Roxbury or SNL's Two wild and crazy guys skits. I liked the script. Very funny at the end! Great job

Quoted from DV44 Hi Steve- I get the impression you watched Night at the Roxbury or SNL's Two wild and crazy guys skits. I liked the script. Very funny at the end! Great job

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for checking this out, always appreciated. I've seen "Night at the Roxbury" Good movie but never seen that skit I'm afraid. Thanks again for the comments.

I understand you're writing a feature, just give me a pm if you would like a return read. :)

Hey, Coop.  I hope you take it the right way if I say I was a little disappointed with this one.  For all the activity on this thread I expected more than a one-off gag.

But so many posts can lead to unrealistic expectations, I guess, and that is not really your fault.  The humor is also not my particular brand, but again, that is my own prejudice at work.  You have clearly struck a chord with a great many readers, and you can be proud of that.

What I will say, though, is that your central conceit here -- a mythical line that is irresistible to the ladies -- but is never spoken aloud, of course -- is great.  It has punch, and is certainly strong enough to support a larger story, though it probably does not have legs for a feature.

Also, the actual writing is fine.  From the descriptors to the dialogue, the flow was smooth and I never felt like it was dragging -- though my gut instincts are telling me that nine pages may be a bit stretched for the story you are telling here.  And it is just little things -- like having Gordon repeat himself to Carly when asking for a drink (why?) that add up.

Nice work-- but I think it is time for you to take whatever lessons you have carried away from this thread and punch out something new.

Sorry for the lame review. Hard to give people reviews when i'm writing for the first time to people who may have been writing for a long time. The two wild and crazy guys skit is when Steve Martin was a cast member on SNL back in the day. I'll buzz you when i'm ready with my first script. Best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks Bert for the thoughtful comments, always appreciate reads especially from a big honcho like yourself.

Yeah, this has had its fair share of reads so I can understand why you were expecting more than it was. Sorry the humor isn't to your liking but comedy is subjective. I would never expect everybody to love this type of thing.

Your right about the length, it's to long for sure.

Thanks again for taking a look.

Dirk,

Just wanted to say that all feedback is good feedback and yours wasn't lame by any counts... it's just my type in fact "good job" That's all I need to hear. ;D

Thanks again.