Worth Every Penny by Brandon Batista (ectoplasm) - Short, Romance - A young, down on his luck man decides to take solace in the company of a prostitute.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Brandon - gave this a read.

First off, maybe you need to have a look at your log-line - I think it's a bit misleading..?

This is quite a nice story, and I think you have tried to stick to the three act structure, using three scenes.

I'm going to suggest you've written this from a moral angle. I'm guessing that Clarke is depicted as an adulterer, and he's implied that his wife is acting like-wise.

Clarke's interference potentially sends Max down the wrong moral road, one that he doesn't wish to tread, but is driven to, by his desparation to succeed with women.

Max, however, rises to the challenge, and treats Casey with respect, but his over-eagerness jeapordises his intentions.

In an attempt to apologise, he seeks her out again, and saves her in her hour of need.

So it's a good ask in a short - and I think in many ways you've probably achieved what you set out to do.

One or two downsides:

MAX
Is it okay if we go to my place?
CASEY
Sure.
Max nods before driving off.
-- this reminded me of the Pink Panther Taxi scene - Casey needs to get into the car...

There were a number of gramatical error which really need sorting out - to be honest, I think you need to look into your use of grammar.

I did have the feeling that this is a story that a lot of people would have thought up, but wouldn't have put to paper. It's nicely told, had a moral angle, had a beginning, middle, end, lots right with it -- but it maybe lacked an edge to it. I followed it, more than it took me away with it.

So this is a good stab, and there's a lot right with it, but it could be improved on.

Hope this helps -

Simon

Quoted from Forgive Hi Brandon - gave this a read. First off, maybe you need to have a look at you log-line - I think it's a bit misleading..? This is quite a nice story, and I think you have tried to stick to the three act structure, using three scenes. I'm going to suggest you've written this from a moral angle. I'm guessing that Clarke is depicted as an adulterer, and he's implied that his wife is acting like-wise. Clarke's interference potentially sends Max down the wrong moral road, one that he doesn't wish to tread, but is driven to, by his desparation to succeed with women. Max, however, rises to the challenge, and treats Casey with respect, but his over-eagerness jeapordises his intentions. In an attempt to apologise, he seeks her out again, and saves her in her hour of need. So it's a good ask in a short - and I think in many ways you've probably achieved what you set out to do. One or two downsides: MAX Is it okay if we go to my place? CASEY Sure. Max nods before driving off. -- this reminded me of the Pink Panther Taxi scene - Casey needs to get into the car... There were a number of gramatical error which really needed sorting out - to be honest, I think you need to look into your use of grammar. I did have the feeling that this is a story that a lot of people would have thought up, but wouldn't have put to paper. It's nicely told, had a moral angle, had a beginning, middle, end, lots right with it -- but it maybe lacked an edge to it. I followed it, more that it took me away with it. So this is a good stab, and there's a lot right with it, but it could be improved on. Hope this helps - Simon

Thanks a ton for reading, glad you liked it. Grammar seems to be a weak point for me, doing my best to improve. I'll be sure to return the favor and review your stuff.

For your first scene, I am concerned there is too much dead time.  I am talking about making coffee and all of that, and what would be at least 30 seconds or so of Bethany just staring off into space.

This is an opportunity for some additional conversation between Max and Bethany as he prepares her order.  Right now, she is just a total bitch instantly.  Some additional dialogue during this scene could either soften her, or lead up to the bitch reveal, or reinforce her character, whichever way you decide to take it. And, of course, it is also an opportunity for us to learn more about Max.
  
Once we meet Casey, this turns into a dialogue piece that slowly reveals Max and Casey to the reader piece by piece.  It is not the most exciting series of scenes that I have ever read, but they are effective in their way, and I am left feeling that you have accomplished what you set out to do.

These two are likeable as you portray them, but the way I read this, I think Max is getting a little too judgmental near the end of their conversation in the apartment. When he talks of "sick perverts" and "selling your soul", it comes off as too strong, too mean, and perhaps even out of character to some extent.  You might consider scaling some of this back a bit.

You have a few typos in here, and while I usually just let those slide, you really need to fix hoar.  It's whore haha.

All told, you have a very quiet piece here, where not much really happens, but at the same time, everything might be changing for your characters in their world.  It is a story about possibilities.  While I am generally a fan of the darker stuff myself, what you are trying to say with this piece is quite evident, and I can recognize that is no small accomplishment.  Not bad.

Thanks for the read and advice Bert, can't believe I didn't catch hoar lol.

Hey Brandon, just gave this a read.  Here are my thoughts.

Hmmm, where to begin?

Well, the good news is that it's a "nice" fairytale story, with a nice happy ending, and in this fairytale land, everything is...well, nice, I guess.

Story-wise, the problems are very obvious in that absolutely nothing is remotely believable or realistic.  Hookers don't operate like Casey does...not even close.  This comes off as an after school special on TV.  Way too many things to even bring up that are so far from reality.

Once Max and Casey get to his apartment, it's also far from believable.  First, they watch Titanic, which just happens to be a 3 hour and 14 minute movie.  Then, he just whips up a chicken and mashed potatoes dinner.  So, we're talking about a 5 + hour date here.  You know how much a 5 hour date would cost?  You think $50 is going to cover it?  Uhhh, let's just say it's not quite believable.

As Bert pointed out, this is an incredibly non visual piece here, both in what takes place and how you wrote it.  The only visuals I got while reading this were visuals I had to completely make up in my head.

And writing-wise...well, it's quite bad.  Grammar, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure, unnecessary words, etc.  Very poor and appears that you didn't even edit this a single time.

But, your heart appears to be in the right place and this does absolutely reek of cuteness in an after school special kind of way.  Max is such a complete dork that you almost have to root for him.

So, here's the bottom line.  If this is meant to be a serious effort, commenting on serious material, it's a HUGE missfire.  If you're going for a young, naive crowd, it's "cute".

You do really need to work on your writing.  You really need to edit your work, and act like you care how it looks and how you come across.  You really need to "know" your subject matter, so that it comes off as believable and realistic...and possible.

All these things take time and effort, and if you want to be taken seriously and be a decent writer, you have to make the effort and spend the time.  Some of it will come through reading other scripts.  Some will come through research and study.  Do yourself a favor and invest the time - you'll be amazed what it will do for your writing.

Hope this helps and makes sense, and doesn't come off too harshly.  Take care and best of luck going forward.

Hey thanks Dream, I think that's the most positive review you've given me so far lol. I definitely went with the light side of prostitutes and that kind of thing. About the money issue, I figured Max was a novice at the exchange and Casey had too good a time to care. As for editing, it's also a weak point of mine that I'm working on and will hopefully improve on in future work.

Hey, Brandon.

Jeff's already slapped your wrist about the grammar I see so I'll leave that alone.

I feel a bit bad saying this cos my latest short got slammed but I didn't really get this.  It didn't really go anywhere.  I have to agree with other comments and say it's pretty unbelievable too. Casey talks herself down which seems odd, I don't know who Clark is and with him being much older than Max, his advice about prostitutes seems awkward.

You do have a character in Max though. A geek that tries to win the heart of a woman but a prostitute? Is he trying to gain confidence with women or save a Casey from herself?

Needs work, mate.

Thanks Alffy, it's cool if you weren't into it. The idea is that while Max originally took Clark's advice, in the end he was simply lonely and realized he just wanted a woman  he could connect with. As for Clark, I don't find an old/young friendship all that strange, and Max is old enough to have that kind of conversation. Casey talking herself down is because I'd imagine someone doing a "job" so demeaning would cause them reflect on themselves negatively.

I guess I didn't get Casey talking herself down as I think they're two types of prostitutes; users who need the money to score and up market call girls. I saw Casey as the later and I gather, I don't know any, they make good money and prefer to their line of work. I just think she would talk of herself more highly.  This is of course just my opinion lol.

I see where your coming from, I thought of Casey as someone who really needs the money and is blinded into thinking prostitution is the easiest way to get it. I don't know many either lol, but I'd think some do what they do to make ends meet with not much sense of enjoyment.

Quoted from alffy I think they're two types of prostitutes; users who need the money to score and up market call girls.

Well, there are more than 2 types, but Casey definitely is not an "up market call girl".  Call girls don't work on the street.  Hookers work on the street.  They turn their tricks in john's cars, or at a nearby flop house type place.  They "work" as quickly as possible.  They set their price up front and usually take their money up front as well.  The vast majority of them either have a pimp or soon will have a pimp, as the life on the streets is a dangerous one.  The girls each have their own certain spots, and if a new girl tries to get in, it will be an ugly situation.

These are just a few of the reasons why this rings so falsely.

Quoted from Ectoplasm I see where your coming from, I thought of Casey as someone who really needs the money and is blinded into thinking prostitution is the easiest way to get it. I don't know many either lol, but I'd think some do what they do to make ends meet with not much sense of enjoyment.

In the uk prostitution is on the rise due to issues with (the lack of) college fees -- so maybe he goes to this street and sees a girl who he knows from college - this helps him to re-appraise what he's doing, and helps you give her a naive angle?

Quoted from Forgive In the uk prostitution is on the rise due to issues with (the lack of) college fees -- so maybe he goes to this street and sees a girl who he knows from college - this helps him to re-appraise what he's doing, and helps you give her a naive angle?

Interesting fact and suggestion, I will consider it if I decide to rewrite at some point.

Quoted from Ectoplasm ...if I decide to rewrite at some point.

Do re-write, even if you don't post it - writing is re-writing: the only good scripts are re-written ones - and I mean that literally - you'll never write a good script unless you re-write.

Quoted from Forgive Do re-write, even if you don't post it - writing is re-writing: the only good scripts are re-written ones - and I mean that literally - you'll never write a good script unless you re-write.

I know what you mean, I'm just picky on what concept is strong enough to justify continual work on it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, there are more than 2 types, but Casey definitely is not an "up market call girl".  Call girls don't work on the street.  Hookers work on the street.  They turn their tricks in john's cars, or at a nearby flop house type place.  They "work" as quickly as possible.  They set their price up front and usually take their money up front as well.  The vast majority of them either have a pimp or soon will have a pimp, as the life on the streets is a dangerous one.  The girls each have their own certain spots, and if a new girl tries to get in, it will be an ugly situation.

I may be a bit naive on the subject but then again I've never had to pay for it. (smug look on my face ha ha) However, you seem to have a good knowledge of prostitution lol.

Quoted from alffy I may be a bit naive on the subject but then again I've never had to pay for it. (smug look on my face ha ha) However, you seem to have a good knowledge of prostitution lol.

I'm a former pimp.  Based on that, I didn't have to pay for it either.   ;D ;D ;D

Funny thing, is that most guys don't have to pay for it.  They choose to pay for it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am in on way sticking up for prostitution, the peeps who work in the industry, or the johns who take advantage of it.  It is what it is, it's been going on forever, and will continue to go on forever.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm a former pimp.  Based on that, I didn't have to pay for it either.   ;D ;D ;D

Ha ha, quality retort Jeff.

Hey Brandon,

Sorry to be so late to the party but have been welcoming my second child to the world so haven’t been on SS as much in the last few days.

Anyway, later better than never.

I see a few people have described this as nice and I think that’s a good word for this. It did have one big spelling mistake which had already been pointed out and a few awkward sentences but I have to say that it read fast and that’s a good thing. There were a few problems that arose for me but nothing that harmed the read too much.

The opening scene doesn’t do enough to establish Max for me, he doesn’t get much of an introduction apart from APPEARING nervous. Make him nervous in action, drop some cups, misspeak and so on. Think about when you are nervous, how do you react?

Jeff mentioned about this being far from believable and he’s right and not just about the Casey. To think that someone who is supposed to be such a loser with the ladies would get the confidence to drive up and invite one of the woman of the night back to his house didn’t work for me. Maybe he needs a more confident sidekick in this scene who could also take over from Clark in the coffee shop scene. Someone to help with the initial intro between Max and Casey but takes off back at the apartment. Just a thought.

While on the apartment subject, Max works at a coffee shop at 20 years of age and has a car and guessing he rents the apartment. Seems expensive on a coffee shop wage and he can easily find the money for a prostitute. Maybe I’m just over thinking here.

Back to Clark, he didn’t work for me at all I’m afraid, his first intro states he’s foreign and a shop manager. Firstly this is telling not showing and why is he foreign? Is not like he has an accent, well it isn’t stated if he does. He actually speaks good English in the dialogue. Also, shop manager? Of where? Guessing it’s the coffee shop but let’s be honest, it could be a book shop across the road as nothing it mentioned about it again. Try to show this in the dialogue if you're going to keep Clark in, something about overtime or about how his wages should cover a prostitute, well it did in Clark's day anyway.

On that scene, Would Max or any 20 year old guy admit their a virgin? I’m not too sure.

Some of the dialogue could do with some polishing, lines like
          
                     CASEY
           How many prostitutes you know grow
           up to be school teachers.

How old is she? It doesn’t sound right IMO.
                  
                      MAX
           Why do you do it? Why do you
           degrade yourself for the pleasure
           of some sick perverts?

Maybe Max missed the answer before; she wants to go to college, to become a school teacher. I know how he feels though, I never listen to woman either. ;D

Thought Max was a bit strong with his comments about Casey selling her soul, it’s a job and sometimes you need to do what it takes to earn a buck. Times are hard, he’s only just met her, just seems a very direct thing to say to someone is all.

However, I did enjoy the ending and that Max sort of got the girl and stopped the sleazebag.

I do think this has potential to be more, a sort of nerdy Pretty Woman type story and with a rewrite you could turn this into a better than nice little romance story.
But, like other people I thought this was “nice” It’s better than terrible right!

Hope this helps.

Good effort. :)

Steve

Quoted from CoopBazinga While on the apartment subject, Max works at a coffee shop at 20 years of age and has a car and guessing he rents the apartment. Seems expensive on a coffee shop wage and he can easily find the money for a prostitute. Maybe I’m just over thinking here.Steve

Steve, I also wanted to bring this up, but I felt like I'd be going a bit overboard, based on everything else I mentioned.

It doesn't even really matter where this takes place or what kind of apartment or car he drives.  It's unrealistic again, period, and adds to the fairytale after school special vibe (and I'm not saying that's a good thing, either!).

This is one of those many things that I feel writers need to pay more attention to.  It's so easy, really, and it goes so far.

This is not a perfect piece, but I want to jump back on here a minute to defend what some are calling the "believability" of the piece -- which IMO is doing a disservice to ecto (and a few other scripts where this has come up).

Is this scenario likely to occur in the real world?  Of course not.

But "movie world" is not the real world, nor is it supposed to be.

In fact, the improbable is what makes a story in the first place.

You can buy into a lot more in movie world -- and cast the right guy and the right girl in this piece and there are no problems with this scenario.

Yes, of course there are scripts where believability is a serious flaw, but I think that argument is getting tossed about too liberally lately, as it is here.

Not attacking anyone specifically with this, just getting around to mentioning something that has been rattling around in my head for the past few days.

--------------------

Edit:  And congrats, coop.  How could I have forgotten to add that?  I fully expect to see you on the boards at 3:00 a.m. now!

Hey, thanks for the detailed review coop, helpful as usual, and I'll take everything into account when I rewrite. I should have mentioned an accent with Clark and Casey's line about school teachers was meant to be sarcastic, although I probably should have made that clearer.  By the way, congratulations on the new baby!

Thanks Bert, I completely agree in that most stories (unless their aiming for a deep, realistic view on something, or a true story) all have an element of fantasy, something that although not impossible, would rarely happen in real life.

Brandon,

Just gave this a read. The theme you are trying to tackle is a good one but as you can see from the comments, it is a very hard one to pull off. While your character is supposed to be naive, it doesnt mean that the dialogue can be naive.

I think on any scale of the imagination the economics of spending those hours with your guy would not work out at $50. Nor would anyone admit their virginity in two seconds. BTW you "lose" your virginity: not "loose".

The characters really needed more description. The girl is supposed to be an object of physcial desire: we can't even picture what she looks like. The guy is a dork? Or not? Again need more description.

Again a nice story structure but you really need to work on the dialogue and how to get to the heart of the theme without sounding too naive, unbelievable  or schmaltzy. If you can get this story to work, then IMO you would be doing a terrific job.

Quoted from bert which IMO is doing a disservice to ecto

Meant no disservice to Brandon, just point out things I see. Hopefully it will help in a rewrite.

Quoted from bert And congrats, coop.  How could I have forgotten to add that?  I fully expect to see you on the boards at 3:00 a.m. now!

Thanks for the congrats, Bert, Brandon. Much appreciated. :)

Steve

Thanks for the read Rkwok, and thanks for pointing out loose, missed that one. I've noticed people like a little character description, so I'll be sure to work on that. I'll also be sure to return the favor and review your work.

Bert, I have to reply to your post about believability in scripts and movies.

First of all, this was not a put down on Ecto, it's a general comment and if it applies here, then so be it.

The problem I'm referring to here and many other scripts does not have to do with Hollywoodizing or things that can and do happen in the movie world.  It has to do with knowing what you're writing about.

We often hear the phrase, "write what you know".  Why is that?  Well, because when you write about things you don't know and don't do any research, it's painfully obvious.

A perfect example comes from 1 of my favorite scripts, "Chris Halvorson's Cannibal".  There's a part where 2 guys are in a field, picking or harvesting cocaine, then smoking it.  Now, obviously, almost anyone knows this ain't how it goes down, but Chris and his contributing writer, Jackson Abernathy, were obviously little kids who had no clue what they were talking about.

No offense to Ecto, but this may be a similar situation here.

As I always say, "the Devil is in the details", and it's the little things that make a big difference, either positively or negatively.

Quoted from CoopBazinga have been welcoming my second child to the world so haven’t been on SS as much in the last few days.

Hey Coop - congrats on the Baby - boy or girl??? As for the excuse re. not being on SS - what was the wife up to??? ;D

On believability... it's also relative - kids acceptance of situations is quite different to that of adults - I got the feeling this was a script that would appeal to younger people - so that has to go in its favour. Otherwise, yeah - it's a careful balance - we suspend imagination more for Mission Impossible than we do for errrm... a serious film.

Hi Brandon.
Cute story. Enjoyable. There some lines I have problem with.
Max's dialog in the car about turning on the music would be better if it were Casey's. IMO. Because Max is firest timer and Casey is pro. So that would be more natural.
p-8 the last line. Casey swollows her food as through she's hasn't eaten in days. Take away s from She's.
p-9 Max's dialog I now how it can be strugling with money. Put K in I now.

Sorry I didn't read the comments above others might mentioned them already. But nice story and craft.

Hope it helped.
Jahongir

Thanks for the review Jahon, you pointed out some helpful stuff I missed. Glad you liked the story, I'll be sure to look out for your work.

Hey Ectoplasm,

Let me break all the critiques and say that I do find your screenplay entertaining to read. The characters had some distinct personalities, which was nice to see. I actually read it all the way through, which is saying something in this place.

It definitely has potential. I think ire-writing the character as someone he knows from college is a good idea- and if she is in college I think it makes more sense for her to work in a professional hooker clinic (whatever you call them) - here in Australia you can get cash like $60 for a 15 minute you know what. The idea of doing prostitution for money makes a lot more sense if she did it in a clinic.

Here's a blog which illustrates a bit of what higher class escorting is like: http://thetruthaboutsellingsex.wordpress.com/

There was another really good one online that explained all the pitfalls of it - for example, it seems you only find it a bad job if you lie to other people about what you're doing, or lose friends because of it. Things like that. It also has first hand descriptions of what a typical day of escorting is like. It's worth a read.

On the first page, from memory the layout is supposed to go something like this:
http://www.screenaustralia.gov.au/documents/SA_publications/IG/SuggScriptLayout.pdf

That's my feedback for now, but again, I really liked reading it :-) and it can be really good, so don't give up! Remember the first draft is the "crap draft". Not saying your story is bad, but you will come to see how amazing it will become in comparison (with time) if you let it.

I would take a break for a week or so, then give it a read through/re-write so you get a bit of a fresh perspective.

Hey Jordan, thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and will take what you said into consideration if I return to the story. I'll be sure to check out your stuff if you decide to post work on here.

Hey Ecto

This was a sweet little story. I'm sure it's not quite what most expected. We usually see one of them turn out to be a vampire or serial killer, maybe a vampire serial killer. I like what you're trying to do, I hope you continue to do more of it.

There were times I would have liked to see something here a little different. Not even sure what I mean by that, because I guess this is different in that the guy doesn't ask for sex. It just felt like these two characters were a little out of central casting: nice geek meets prostitute dreaming of a better life, maybe college.

I also think maybe it needs to be addressed why Max does not sleep with the girl. Did he lose courage? I think you will have a different answer than that, I understand, and that needs to be revealed in the plot. Otherwise it just looks like stage fright, and then a little creepy as he stalks the first girl he's ever had a "date" with.

I mean, presumably, Max picked her up with the intention of getting laid. That was the point of the earlier scene. So what changes his mind? That might be central to the story.

Good work, though. Hoar is whore where I'm from. And whore's are not necessarily sluts. Sluts do it for free. Or at least Jaegers.

I'm gonna go back and read the other posts now, see where I messed up. Keep up the good work!

I read the interesting posts. I too had trouble with the $50 part. You have to change that, unless this is some country where $50 is a ton of cash.

I do believe there is probably a difference between street corner girls and escorts(the way things are going, I'll probably find out soon!). The escort is more likely to hang with you and do whatever. We had a large group of guys go to Ft Lauderdale for a Pats game a few years ago. One of the guys ended up getting friendly with a drug dealer staying in the room next to him. The guy ended up buying him a hooker. That's all I know about hookers, but I'll relate it.

She was hot, and clean looking. She looked like some All-American college girl. Unbelievable. And this was the deal. He gets her for 4 hrs, for $400(this was almost ten years ago, actually). In that 4 hrs, she'll hang, be his girlfriend, do whatever. But he only gets one money shot. Once that goes down, she'll hang for the duration, but sexual activity is done.

So I could picture her watching TV. But Jeff is right. You've created an 8 hr event here, for $50, with a hooker off the street. I think at the very least, convert Titantic to something else, maybe a tv show, and up the cash.

I agree wholeheartedly with Bert on the general point that scripts don't need to be realistic. But in this instance, I agree with Jeff, this needs to be made more believable, and that should be a very easy fix here.

Thanks for the read Kev, I see how the money thing is a problem, a TV show would be a much better idea. The idea of why he didn't sleep with her was because he realized in the end he really just wanted a girl to connect with.

Yeah, I got that, and that's cool. I don't have a problem. I think a lot will just assume he got stage fright, but that works.

Brandon

This was ok but I think it needs work.

On the positive side, the writing flows well, the prose is direct and un-showy, that’s a habit you keep. Screenplay readers are lazy, they always want to read less even they’re liking what they’re reading ;)

The dialogue was mostly good if not a tad on the nose. There was little room for interpretation, ambiguity or subtext. See the opening scene Bethany for example. Those kind of overtly cruel characters only seem to turn in loser comedies starring Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg. Max and Clark’s conversation plays very straightforward as is his meeting and subsequent scenes with Casey. They were too timid for me lacking any bite or real drama.  Having said that, Max is 20 and seemed like one of those open, heart on their sleeve type of guys not one of the suppressed, bottled up kind so he played true to character I guess.

What I liked most about it  was essentially its heart, the script has a good heart. A genuine, nice but sexually frustrated guy goes to prostitute after facing one rejection too many but ends up just wanting company and to hang out with her. Its sweet and he’s a likeable guy so I went with it for the most part.

However, the flip side is that’s a bit of a cliché, been done to death and its going to be very hard to beat Leaving Las Vegas in my opinion. The “tart with a heart” or ”hooker with a heart of gold” scenario is old hat by now and for me just comes off as the wishful thinking of a lonely guy who fu?ks too many whores. Casey’s character read far too simplistic, surface and undamaged for her to be believable, let alone interesting. She came off as more the girl next door who possibly puts out too much than a kerb crawling “lady friend” (yes, I am running out of terms of woman-who-screw-for-sex  :)  As I said, I liked Max, problem is, I just didn’t buy his story.

Maybe I’m taking it to seriously, maybe you wanted to write a simple story of a socially inept guy and his experiences with women, paid or otherwise but overall, I think you need to punch this up a bit. You need more drama, an added tension or dynamic and more laughs.  I don’t expect you to clutter it with contrivances or a car chase or anything just a little twist or a deeper exploration into Max’s plight. As it stands, the plot sort of plods along to it rose tinted, escapist conclusion.

Hope this helps.

Col.

Thanks Col, it's been awhile since I've looked at this one but your advice still helps. I agree in that Casey should have been a much more damaged character than she was.