Worth Every Penny by Brandon Batista (ectoplasm) - Short, Romance - A young, down on his luck man decides to take solace in the company of a prostitute.  15 pages - pdf, format

Hi Brandon - gave this a read.

First off, maybe you need to have a look at your log-line - I think it's a bit misleading..?

This is quite a nice story, and I think you have tried to stick to the three act structure, using three scenes.

I'm going to suggest you've written this from a moral angle. I'm guessing that Clarke is depicted as an adulterer, and he's implied that his wife is acting like-wise.

Clarke's interference potentially sends Max down the wrong moral road, one that he doesn't wish to tread, but is driven to, by his desparation to succeed with women.

Max, however, rises to the challenge, and treats Casey with respect, but his over-eagerness jeapordises his intentions.

In an attempt to apologise, he seeks her out again, and saves her in her hour of need.

So it's a good ask in a short - and I think in many ways you've probably achieved what you set out to do.

One or two downsides:

MAX
Is it okay if we go to my place?
CASEY
Sure.
Max nods before driving off.
-- this reminded me of the Pink Panther Taxi scene - Casey needs to get into the car...

There were a number of gramatical error which really need sorting out - to be honest, I think you need to look into your use of grammar.

I did have the feeling that this is a story that a lot of people would have thought up, but wouldn't have put to paper. It's nicely told, had a moral angle, had a beginning, middle, end, lots right with it -- but it maybe lacked an edge to it. I followed it, more than it took me away with it.

So this is a good stab, and there's a lot right with it, but it could be improved on.

Hope this helps -

Simon

Quoted from Forgive Hi Brandon - gave this a read. First off, maybe you need to have a look at you log-line - I think it's a bit misleading..? This is quite a nice story, and I think you have tried to stick to the three act structure, using three scenes. I'm going to suggest you've written this from a moral angle. I'm guessing that Clarke is depicted as an adulterer, and he's implied that his wife is acting like-wise. Clarke's interference potentially sends Max down the wrong moral road, one that he doesn't wish to tread, but is driven to, by his desparation to succeed with women. Max, however, rises to the challenge, and treats Casey with respect, but his over-eagerness jeapordises his intentions. In an attempt to apologise, he seeks her out again, and saves her in her hour of need. So it's a good ask in a short - and I think in many ways you've probably achieved what you set out to do. One or two downsides: MAX Is it okay if we go to my place? CASEY Sure. Max nods before driving off. -- this reminded me of the Pink Panther Taxi scene - Casey needs to get into the car... There were a number of gramatical error which really needed sorting out - to be honest, I think you need to look into your use of grammar. I did have the feeling that this is a story that a lot of people would have thought up, but wouldn't have put to paper. It's nicely told, had a moral angle, had a beginning, middle, end, lots right with it -- but it maybe lacked an edge to it. I followed it, more that it took me away with it. So this is a good stab, and there's a lot right with it, but it could be improved on. Hope this helps - Simon

Thanks a ton for reading, glad you liked it. Grammar seems to be a weak point for me, doing my best to improve. I'll be sure to return the favor and review your stuff.

For your first scene, I am concerned there is too much dead time.  I am talking about making coffee and all of that, and what would be at least 30 seconds or so of Bethany just staring off into space.

This is an opportunity for some additional conversation between Max and Bethany as he prepares her order.  Right now, she is just a total bitch instantly.  Some additional dialogue during this scene could either soften her, or lead up to the bitch reveal, or reinforce her character, whichever way you decide to take it. And, of course, it is also an opportunity for us to learn more about Max.
  
Once we meet Casey, this turns into a dialogue piece that slowly reveals Max and Casey to the reader piece by piece.  It is not the most exciting series of scenes that I have ever read, but they are effective in their way, and I am left feeling that you have accomplished what you set out to do.

These two are likeable as you portray them, but the way I read this, I think Max is getting a little too judgmental near the end of their conversation in the apartment. When he talks of "sick perverts" and "selling your soul", it comes off as too strong, too mean, and perhaps even out of character to some extent.  You might consider scaling some of this back a bit.

You have a few typos in here, and while I usually just let those slide, you really need to fix hoar.  It's whore haha.

All told, you have a very quiet piece here, where not much really happens, but at the same time, everything might be changing for your characters in their world.  It is a story about possibilities.  While I am generally a fan of the darker stuff myself, what you are trying to say with this piece is quite evident, and I can recognize that is no small accomplishment.  Not bad.

Thanks for the read and advice Bert, can't believe I didn't catch hoar lol.

Hey Brandon, just gave this a read.  Here are my thoughts.

Hmmm, where to begin?

Well, the good news is that it's a "nice" fairytale story, with a nice happy ending, and in this fairytale land, everything is...well, nice, I guess.

Story-wise, the problems are very obvious in that absolutely nothing is remotely believable or realistic.  Hookers don't operate like Casey does...not even close.  This comes off as an after school special on TV.  Way too many things to even bring up that are so far from reality.

Once Max and Casey get to his apartment, it's also far from believable.  First, they watch Titanic, which just happens to be a 3 hour and 14 minute movie.  Then, he just whips up a chicken and mashed potatoes dinner.  So, we're talking about a 5 + hour date here.  You know how much a 5 hour date would cost?  You think $50 is going to cover it?  Uhhh, let's just say it's not quite believable.

As Bert pointed out, this is an incredibly non visual piece here, both in what takes place and how you wrote it.  The only visuals I got while reading this were visuals I had to completely make up in my head.

And writing-wise...well, it's quite bad.  Grammar, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure, unnecessary words, etc.  Very poor and appears that you didn't even edit this a single time.

But, your heart appears to be in the right place and this does absolutely reek of cuteness in an after school special kind of way.  Max is such a complete dork that you almost have to root for him.

So, here's the bottom line.  If this is meant to be a serious effort, commenting on serious material, it's a HUGE missfire.  If you're going for a young, naive crowd, it's "cute".

You do really need to work on your writing.  You really need to edit your work, and act like you care how it looks and how you come across.  You really need to "know" your subject matter, so that it comes off as believable and realistic...and possible.

All these things take time and effort, and if you want to be taken seriously and be a decent writer, you have to make the effort and spend the time.  Some of it will come through reading other scripts.  Some will come through research and study.  Do yourself a favor and invest the time - you'll be amazed what it will do for your writing.

Hope this helps and makes sense, and doesn't come off too harshly.  Take care and best of luck going forward.

Hey thanks Dream, I think that's the most positive review you've given me so far lol. I definitely went with the light side of prostitutes and that kind of thing. About the money issue, I figured Max was a novice at the exchange and Casey had too good a time to care. As for editing, it's also a weak point of mine that I'm working on and will hopefully improve on in future work.

Hey, Brandon.

Jeff's already slapped your wrist about the grammar I see so I'll leave that alone.

I feel a bit bad saying this cos my latest short got slammed but I didn't really get this.  It didn't really go anywhere.  I have to agree with other comments and say it's pretty unbelievable too. Casey talks herself down which seems odd, I don't know who Clark is and with him being much older than Max, his advice about prostitutes seems awkward.

You do have a character in Max though. A geek that tries to win the heart of a woman but a prostitute? Is he trying to gain confidence with women or save a Casey from herself?

Needs work, mate.

Thanks Alffy, it's cool if you weren't into it. The idea is that while Max originally took Clark's advice, in the end he was simply lonely and realized he just wanted a woman  he could connect with. As for Clark, I don't find an old/young friendship all that strange, and Max is old enough to have that kind of conversation. Casey talking herself down is because I'd imagine someone doing a "job" so demeaning would cause them reflect on themselves negatively.

I guess I didn't get Casey talking herself down as I think they're two types of prostitutes; users who need the money to score and up market call girls. I saw Casey as the later and I gather, I don't know any, they make good money and prefer to their line of work. I just think she would talk of herself more highly.  This is of course just my opinion lol.

I see where your coming from, I thought of Casey as someone who really needs the money and is blinded into thinking prostitution is the easiest way to get it. I don't know many either lol, but I'd think some do what they do to make ends meet with not much sense of enjoyment.

Quoted from alffy I think they're two types of prostitutes; users who need the money to score and up market call girls.

Well, there are more than 2 types, but Casey definitely is not an "up market call girl".  Call girls don't work on the street.  Hookers work on the street.  They turn their tricks in john's cars, or at a nearby flop house type place.  They "work" as quickly as possible.  They set their price up front and usually take their money up front as well.  The vast majority of them either have a pimp or soon will have a pimp, as the life on the streets is a dangerous one.  The girls each have their own certain spots, and if a new girl tries to get in, it will be an ugly situation.

These are just a few of the reasons why this rings so falsely.

Quoted from Ectoplasm I see where your coming from, I thought of Casey as someone who really needs the money and is blinded into thinking prostitution is the easiest way to get it. I don't know many either lol, but I'd think some do what they do to make ends meet with not much sense of enjoyment.

In the uk prostitution is on the rise due to issues with (the lack of) college fees -- so maybe he goes to this street and sees a girl who he knows from college - this helps him to re-appraise what he's doing, and helps you give her a naive angle?

Quoted from Forgive In the uk prostitution is on the rise due to issues with (the lack of) college fees -- so maybe he goes to this street and sees a girl who he knows from college - this helps him to re-appraise what he's doing, and helps you give her a naive angle?

Interesting fact and suggestion, I will consider it if I decide to rewrite at some point.

Quoted from Ectoplasm ...if I decide to rewrite at some point.

Do re-write, even if you don't post it - writing is re-writing: the only good scripts are re-written ones - and I mean that literally - you'll never write a good script unless you re-write.