Quoted from Forgive Do re-write, even if you don't post it - writing is re-writing: the only good scripts are re-written ones - and I mean that literally - you'll never write a good script unless you re-write.

I know what you mean, I'm just picky on what concept is strong enough to justify continual work on it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, there are more than 2 types, but Casey definitely is not an "up market call girl".  Call girls don't work on the street.  Hookers work on the street.  They turn their tricks in john's cars, or at a nearby flop house type place.  They "work" as quickly as possible.  They set their price up front and usually take their money up front as well.  The vast majority of them either have a pimp or soon will have a pimp, as the life on the streets is a dangerous one.  The girls each have their own certain spots, and if a new girl tries to get in, it will be an ugly situation.

I may be a bit naive on the subject but then again I've never had to pay for it. (smug look on my face ha ha) However, you seem to have a good knowledge of prostitution lol.

Quoted from alffy I may be a bit naive on the subject but then again I've never had to pay for it. (smug look on my face ha ha) However, you seem to have a good knowledge of prostitution lol.

I'm a former pimp.  Based on that, I didn't have to pay for it either.  

Funny thing, is that most guys don't have to pay for it.  They choose to pay for it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am in on way sticking up for prostitution, the peeps who work in the industry, or the johns who take advantage of it.  It is what it is, it's been going on forever, and will continue to go on forever.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm a former pimp.  Based on that, I didn't have to pay for it either.

Ha ha, quality retort Jeff.

Hey Brandon,

Sorry to be so late to the party but have been welcoming my second child to the world so haven’t been on SS as much in the last few days.

Anyway, later better than never.

I see a few people have described this as nice and I think that’s a good word for this. It did have one big spelling mistake which had already been pointed out and a few awkward sentences but I have to say that it read fast and that’s a good thing. There were a few problems that arose for me but nothing that harmed the read too much.

The opening scene doesn’t do enough to establish Max for me, he doesn’t get much of an introduction apart from APPEARING nervous. Make him nervous in action, drop some cups, misspeak and so on. Think about when you are nervous, how do you react?

Jeff mentioned about this being far from believable and he’s right and not just about the Casey. To think that someone who is supposed to be such a loser with the ladies would get the confidence to drive up and invite one of the woman of the night back to his house didn’t work for me. Maybe he needs a more confident sidekick in this scene who could also take over from Clark in the coffee shop scene. Someone to help with the initial intro between Max and Casey but takes off back at the apartment. Just a thought.

While on the apartment subject, Max works at a coffee shop at 20 years of age and has a car and guessing he rents the apartment. Seems expensive on a coffee shop wage and he can easily find the money for a prostitute. Maybe I’m just over thinking here.

Back to Clark, he didn’t work for me at all I’m afraid, his first intro states he’s foreign and a shop manager. Firstly this is telling not showing and why is he foreign? Is not like he has an accent, well it isn’t stated if he does. He actually speaks good English in the dialogue. Also, shop manager? Of where? Guessing it’s the coffee shop but let’s be honest, it could be a book shop across the road as nothing it mentioned about it again. Try to show this in the dialogue if you're going to keep Clark in, something about overtime or about how his wages should cover a prostitute, well it did in Clark's day anyway.

On that scene, Would Max or any 20 year old guy admit their a virgin? I’m not too sure.

Some of the dialogue could do with some polishing, lines like
          
                     CASEY
           How many prostitutes you know grow
           up to be school teachers.

How old is she? It doesn’t sound right IMO.
                  
                      MAX
           Why do you do it? Why do you
           degrade yourself for the pleasure
           of some sick perverts?

Maybe Max missed the answer before; she wants to go to college, to become a school teacher. I know how he feels though, I never listen to woman either.

Thought Max was a bit strong with his comments about Casey selling her soul, it’s a job and sometimes you need to do what it takes to earn a buck. Times are hard, he’s only just met her, just seems a very direct thing to say to someone is all.

However, I did enjoy the ending and that Max sort of got the girl and stopped the sleazebag.

I do think this has potential to be more, a sort of nerdy Pretty Woman type story and with a rewrite you could turn this into a better than nice little romance story.
But, like other people I thought this was “nice” It’s better than terrible right!

Hope this helps.

Good effort.

Steve

Quoted from CoopBazinga While on the apartment subject, Max works at a coffee shop at 20 years of age and has a car and guessing he rents the apartment. Seems expensive on a coffee shop wage and he can easily find the money for a prostitute. Maybe I’m just over thinking here.Steve

Steve, I also wanted to bring this up, but I felt like I'd be going a bit overboard, based on everything else I mentioned.

It doesn't even really matter where this takes place or what kind of apartment or car he drives.  It's unrealistic again, period, and adds to the fairytale after school special vibe (and I'm not saying that's a good thing, either!).

This is one of those many things that I feel writers need to pay more attention to.  It's so easy, really, and it goes so far.

This is not a perfect piece, but I want to jump back on here a minute to defend what some are calling the "believability" of the piece -- which IMO is doing a disservice to ecto (and a few other scripts where this has come up).

Is this scenario likely to occur in the real world?  Of course not.

But "movie world" is not the real world, nor is it supposed to be.

In fact, the improbable is what makes a story in the first place.

You can buy into a lot more in movie world -- and cast the right guy and the right girl in this piece and there are no problems with this scenario.

Yes, of course there are scripts where believability is a serious flaw, but I think that argument is getting tossed about too liberally lately, as it is here.

Not attacking anyone specifically with this, just getting around to mentioning something that has been rattling around in my head for the past few days.

--------------------

Edit:  And congrats, coop.  How could I have forgotten to add that?  I fully expect to see you on the boards at 3:00 a.m. now!

Hey, thanks for the detailed review coop, helpful as usual, and I'll take everything into account when I rewrite. I should have mentioned an accent with Clark and Casey's line about school teachers was meant to be sarcastic, although I probably should have made that clearer.  By the way, congratulations on the new baby!

Thanks Bert, I completely agree in that most stories (unless their aiming for a deep, realistic view on something, or a true story) all have an element of fantasy, something that although not impossible, would rarely happen in real life.

Brandon,

Just gave this a read. The theme you are trying to tackle is a good one but as you can see from the comments, it is a very hard one to pull off. While your character is supposed to be naive, it doesnt mean that the dialogue can be naive.

I think on any scale of the imagination the economics of spending those hours with your guy would not work out at $50. Nor would anyone admit their virginity in two seconds. BTW you "lose" your virginity: not "loose".

The characters really needed more description. The girl is supposed to be an object of physcial desire: we can't even picture what she looks like. The guy is a dork? Or not? Again need more description.

Again a nice story structure but you really need to work on the dialogue and how to get to the heart of the theme without sounding too naive, unbelievable  or schmaltzy. If you can get this story to work, then IMO you would be doing a terrific job.

Quoted from bert which IMO is doing a disservice to ecto

Meant no disservice to Brandon, just point out things I see. Hopefully it will help in a rewrite.

Quoted from bert And congrats, coop.  How could I have forgotten to add that?  I fully expect to see you on the boards at 3:00 a.m. now!

Thanks for the congrats, Bert, Brandon. Much appreciated.

Steve

Thanks for the read Rkwok, and thanks for pointing out loose, missed that one. I've noticed people like a little character description, so I'll be sure to work on that. I'll also be sure to return the favor and review your work.

Bert, I have to reply to your post about believability in scripts and movies.

First of all, this was not a put down on Ecto, it's a general comment and if it applies here, then so be it.

The problem I'm referring to here and many other scripts does not have to do with Hollywoodizing or things that can and do happen in the movie world.  It has to do with knowing what you're writing about.

We often hear the phrase, "write what you know".  Why is that?  Well, because when you write about things you don't know and don't do any research, it's painfully obvious.

A perfect example comes from 1 of my favorite scripts, "Chris Halvorson's Cannibal".  There's a part where 2 guys are in a field, picking or harvesting cocaine, then smoking it.  Now, obviously, almost anyone knows this ain't how it goes down, but Chris and his contributing writer, Jackson Abernathy, were obviously little kids who had no clue what they were talking about.

No offense to Ecto, but this may be a similar situation here.

As I always say, "the Devil is in the details", and it's the little things that make a big difference, either positively or negatively.

Quoted from CoopBazinga have been welcoming my second child to the world so haven’t been on SS as much in the last few days.

Hey Coop - congrats on the Baby - boy or girl??? As for the excuse re. not being on SS - what was the wife up to???

On believability... it's also relative - kids acceptance of situations is quite different to that of adults - I got the feeling this was a script that would appeal to younger people - so that has to go in its favour. Otherwise, yeah - it's a careful balance - we suspend imagination more for Mission Impossible than we do for errrm... a serious film.

Hi Brandon.
Cute story. Enjoyable. There some lines I have problem with.
Max's dialog in the car about turning on the music would be better if it were Casey's. IMO. Because Max is firest timer and Casey is pro. So that would be more natural.
p-8 the last line. Casey swollows her food as through she's hasn't eaten in days. Take away s from She's.
p-9 Max's dialog I now how it can be strugling with money. Put K in I now.

Sorry I didn't read the comments above others might mentioned them already. But nice story and craft.

Hope it helped.
Jahongir