Thanks for the review Jahon, you pointed out some helpful stuff I missed. Glad you liked the story, I'll be sure to look out for your work.

Hey Ectoplasm,

Let me break all the critiques and say that I do find your screenplay entertaining to read. The characters had some distinct personalities, which was nice to see. I actually read it all the way through, which is saying something in this place.

It definitely has potential. I think ire-writing the character as someone he knows from college is a good idea- and if she is in college I think it makes more sense for her to work in a professional hooker clinic (whatever you call them) - here in Australia you can get cash like $60 for a 15 minute you know what. The idea of doing prostitution for money makes a lot more sense if she did it in a clinic.

Here's a blog which illustrates a bit of what higher class escorting is like: http://thetruthaboutsellingsex.wordpress.com/

There was another really good one online that explained all the pitfalls of it - for example, it seems you only find it a bad job if you lie to other people about what you're doing, or lose friends because of it. Things like that. It also has first hand descriptions of what a typical day of escorting is like. It's worth a read.

On the first page, from memory the layout is supposed to go something like this:
http://www.screenaustralia.gov.au/documents/SA_publications/IG/SuggScriptLayout.pdf

That's my feedback for now, but again, I really liked reading it and it can be really good, so don't give up! Remember the first draft is the "crap draft". Not saying your story is bad, but you will come to see how amazing it will become in comparison (with time) if you let it.

I would take a break for a week or so, then give it a read through/re-write so you get a bit of a fresh perspective.

Hey Jordan, thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and will take what you said into consideration if I return to the story. I'll be sure to check out your stuff if you decide to post work on here.

Hey Ecto

This was a sweet little story. I'm sure it's not quite what most expected. We usually see one of them turn out to be a vampire or serial killer, maybe a vampire serial killer. I like what you're trying to do, I hope you continue to do more of it.

There were times I would have liked to see something here a little different. Not even sure what I mean by that, because I guess this is different in that the guy doesn't ask for sex. It just felt like these two characters were a little out of central casting: nice geek meets prostitute dreaming of a better life, maybe college.

I also think maybe it needs to be addressed why Max does not sleep with the girl. Did he lose courage? I think you will have a different answer than that, I understand, and that needs to be revealed in the plot. Otherwise it just looks like stage fright, and then a little creepy as he stalks the first girl he's ever had a "date" with.

I mean, presumably, Max picked her up with the intention of getting laid. That was the point of the earlier scene. So what changes his mind? That might be central to the story.

Good work, though. Hoar is whore where I'm from. And whore's are not necessarily sluts. Sluts do it for free. Or at least Jaegers.

I'm gonna go back and read the other posts now, see where I messed up. Keep up the good work!

I read the interesting posts. I too had trouble with the $50 part. You have to change that, unless this is some country where $50 is a ton of cash.

I do believe there is probably a difference between street corner girls and escorts(the way things are going, I'll probably find out soon!). The escort is more likely to hang with you and do whatever. We had a large group of guys go to Ft Lauderdale for a Pats game a few years ago. One of the guys ended up getting friendly with a drug dealer staying in the room next to him. The guy ended up buying him a hooker. That's all I know about hookers, but I'll relate it.

She was hot, and clean looking. She looked like some All-American college girl. Unbelievable. And this was the deal. He gets her for 4 hrs, for $400(this was almost ten years ago, actually). In that 4 hrs, she'll hang, be his girlfriend, do whatever. But he only gets one money shot. Once that goes down, she'll hang for the duration, but sexual activity is done.

So I could picture her watching TV. But Jeff is right. You've created an 8 hr event here, for $50, with a hooker off the street. I think at the very least, convert Titantic to something else, maybe a tv show, and up the cash.

I agree wholeheartedly with Bert on the general point that scripts don't need to be realistic. But in this instance, I agree with Jeff, this needs to be made more believable, and that should be a very easy fix here.

Thanks for the read Kev, I see how the money thing is a problem, a TV show would be a much better idea. The idea of why he didn't sleep with her was because he realized in the end he really just wanted a girl to connect with.

Yeah, I got that, and that's cool. I don't have a problem. I think a lot will just assume he got stage fright, but that works.

Brandon

This was ok but I think it needs work.

On the positive side, the writing flows well, the prose is direct and un-showy, that’s a habit you keep. Screenplay readers are lazy, they always want to read less even they’re liking what they’re reading

The dialogue was mostly good if not a tad on the nose. There was little room for interpretation, ambiguity or subtext. See the opening scene Bethany for example. Those kind of overtly cruel characters only seem to turn in loser comedies starring Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg. Max and Clark’s conversation plays very straightforward as is his meeting and subsequent scenes with Casey. They were too timid for me lacking any bite or real drama.  Having said that, Max is 20 and seemed like one of those open, heart on their sleeve type of guys not one of the suppressed, bottled up kind so he played true to character I guess.

What I liked most about it  was essentially its heart, the script has a good heart. A genuine, nice but sexually frustrated guy goes to prostitute after facing one rejection too many but ends up just wanting company and to hang out with her. Its sweet and he’s a likeable guy so I went with it for the most part.

However, the flip side is that’s a bit of a cliché, been done to death and its going to be very hard to beat Leaving Las Vegas in my opinion. The “tart with a heart” or ”hooker with a heart of gold” scenario is old hat by now and for me just comes off as the wishful thinking of a lonely guy who fu?ks too many whores. Casey’s character read far too simplistic, surface and undamaged for her to be believable, let alone interesting. She came off as more the girl next door who possibly puts out too much than a kerb crawling “lady friend” (yes, I am running out of terms of woman-who-screw-for-sex    As I said, I liked Max, problem is, I just didn’t buy his story.

Maybe I’m taking it to seriously, maybe you wanted to write a simple story of a socially inept guy and his experiences with women, paid or otherwise but overall, I think you need to punch this up a bit. You need more drama, an added tension or dynamic and more laughs.  I don’t expect you to clutter it with contrivances or a car chase or anything just a little twist or a deeper exploration into Max’s plight. As it stands, the plot sort of plods along to it rose tinted, escapist conclusion.

Hope this helps.

Col.

Thanks Col, it's been awhile since I've looked at this one but your advice still helps. I agree in that Casey should have been a much more damaged character than she was.