Talking to the Hand by Brandon Bushman (Danger Doer) - Short, Comedy - Marty's got a big day of work tomorrow and can't fall asleep. Marty decides to quickly pleasure himself so he can get a good nights rest however, Marty's hand he masturbates with has a different plan.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Danger Doer,

I see under your member info you have Zero posts on Simply Scripts.

If you are new, then welcome.

When you turn up I will post notes on Talk to the hand.

Regards Alex

Love the title...as it pertains.

A few typos but nothing that bothered me too much ...some yours should've been you're kind'a thing.

Strange story. Can't believe I read it but it was comical enough that I made it through :)

Good twist at the end...my fav part. Good job.

Brandon.

What a strange subject for a story, I wonder how you came up with the idea? lol.

If Marty's hand is talking to him the I wonder how.  Is it mimicking a mouth? If not I'd suggest the dialogue be V.O.

Marty's hand goes dead.  Isn't this the professional wankers choice?  lol.  Sit on your hand until it goes dead...so I've been told.

You have a few 'your' you're' mix ups.

Too much dialogue and not enough action.  Try breaking it up with a few lines.

Overall I'm not sure of the point of this?  There's a lot penis slang and it's pretty comical idea but it doesn't really lead anywhere.

Have you ever seen a movie called 'Idle Hands'?

Your second paragraph has my comment sounding like one of those Fry from Futurama memes.
Not sure if Jerkins lotion is typo...
Or clever play on words.

This was a decently entertaining script.
Seemed to me like a a scene from a movie.

There were a few typos: Your/you're switches, SIKE instead of PSYCH/over time instead of overtime, etc.

But overall, I honestly liked it. It was fun and quick.
It was original.

Brandon,

Amusing skit. ‘Fade In’ should be aligned left and you can turn off the (continued). Could trim the dialogue here and there to quicken the pace and maybe give us more of the ‘dead hand’ gag as a visual. Made me grin. Decent little twist at the end...    :)

Steve

I spotted a few minor grammar mistakes, but besides that this was definitely an easy and entertaining read. It made me smile and the twist was funny. Good work.

A good few comments, but a no-show fromt he author. Pity.

Need a brief description before we go to Marty (Marty, location etc).

You explain the motivation in the logline, but you miss it until late in the script -- needs to be in there sooner.

Why is he left handed? Most real men use their right hands.

'Without warning Marty’s left hand comes to life, male voice.' -- this is a key moment in the script, and you've skipped over it.

It's a good idea - works well with the male psyche - but it could ave been executed better.

Quoted from alffy Sit on your hand until it goes dead...so I've been told.

Yeah. Speaks the voice of (sticky) experience.

I am finding it "hard" to critique this "short" without laughing.  One thing is when you "introduce" the RIGHT HAND, you shouldn't have "female voice" right there.  I would have put it as a parenthetical (most hate it but may serve it better) as soon as "she" speaks.

Funny to come up with a screenplay about this, but sometimes you never know.  I guess writing anything helps improve your craft.  No nudity, so you still might be able to "shoot" something like this.  Thanks for lettting us into your bedroom read this.

A big thanks to everybody for reading this short and giving me some great pointers. A lot of your comments made me laugh and wonder the same questions. I tried to have a friend shoot this for me, but things fell through, oh well. So glad many of you liked it. I will try to address all of you that have posted in this giant post.
Jeremiah Johnson I loved what you had to say especially the last part, "Thanks for lettting us into your bedroom read this." This pretty much made me laugh my ass off.
SiColl007 so real men use their right hand, I feel a real man uses both hands at the same time, but that's just my opinion.
Ectoplasm glad that you found it to be a entertaining read. I feel that any comedy sketch should have a twist or a punch line, thanks for liking mine.
Stevemiles maybe the dead hand gag could be an alternate ending, Marty could sit on the hand till it passes out, but now that I think about it would that count as rape? Nah, just good comedy.
Steex Jerkins is a clever play on words because I don't want to add to the list of typo's in this script.  ;D
Alffy how did I come up with this story? Well I had this happen to a friend one time, it wasn't me I swear. It was a friend, yeah a friend. Oh and yes I've seen Idle Hand, it's freaking hilarious and Jessica Alba is freaking hot.
Pale Yellow I'm so happy that you made it through this script, thanks for your kind words.  8)
Alex_212 soon enough I will be posting on other scripts, yours will be the first, thanks for posting.
Thanks again to all of you, now that I got some reading and posting to do.

Brandon, welcome to SS.  Like others have said, make sure you read and review other's work.  It is the unwritten rule here to get reviews.  Good luck.  How's the hand?

As stated before a few minor mistakes but nothing to break the read.  

WOW, strange but made me laugh. An original idea, I could see this being a funny scene in a feature length film.

Hey Brandon.

In terms of technique, this script flows quite well with a few hiccups here and there.  That huge block of dialogue could be broken up with a line or two of action but it reads just fine.

The story pretty unique.  Can't say I've ever read anything like it but going through it, I'm guessing Marty is ambidextrous which is pretty bad.  Just had to point that out.  Good read.

Hey Brandon,

This was fun to read and, dare I say it, kinda cute. As others have mentioned, you have a few grammatical errors (you’re/your being your biggest issue), but nothing too detrimental or distracting. I’d maybe change the moment the hand first comes to life. I’d change it so that “You would like that, wouldn’t you?” would be its own line followed by Marty’s reaction. Otherwise, this works fine and is ready to be filmed.

And how wonderfully appropriate a script about jacking off was written by a guy named Bushman.

Best,

Chris

Glad I'm not the only one..........I mean reading this.

Kinda like a little skit you'd find in Viz. It raised a smile as it was supposed to.

Hey Brandon,

This had its moments and I certainly had a few giggles. It’s a bit of a throw away read but it works for what it is.

Your action lines are a little clumsy and there is the odd typo, but I did enjoy the dialogue and the found this quite amusing overall.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve