Hero by Eric Nigma - Short - A female's desire for her mate brings her down memory lane, and a sad realization… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Eric, I'm sorry, but your logline is very poorly written to the point of me not even wanting to open the actual script because I know what it's going to look like.

C'mon, Jeff, it's not that bad. Awkwardly phrased (female & mate - WTF), yes, but not entirely unreadable.

The script itself felt longer than 5 pages (and you really should thrown in a title page, E). It's probably because nothing really happens. You have Alicia reminiscing about shit that's already gone down using these terrible on-the-nose voiceovers (also, lose the CONT'D and replace them with the V.O.s, they don't belong down there).

It's pretty obvious from the get go that Victor is corpse so the "reveal" in the end falls flat. What you should do - if you wanna do anything - is actually tell the story of they day when Alicia gets the call because what you have here has no drama, no goals, no stakes, no urgency, no nothing.

Wasn't my cup of tea.

Yeah - nothing really happens, no real story there. Plus there's some issues with the writing: 'as she look over every detail.' Eric Nigma? Like E Nigma? Okay.

This was very difficult to read and as was stated in previous feedback, no storyline, just a shitload of uneasy on the eye V.O...

Sorry

Mark

It felt like you could cut everything down.
The dialogue is long and drawn out.
The descriptions are lond and... drawn out.

Also, like they said above, no title page, no fade in.

Unless it matters to the story or tells us something about a character, it isn't really important to tell us the  hair color or choice of attire.

In a cluttered apartment, ALICIA, 27, light skinned, long
black hair wearing jeans and a white shirt sits on the couch
quietly as she looks impatient.

Okay, I'll be a nazi. What is wearing jeans and a white shirt?

I get it. Difficult to read at times, but I get it. I can only imagine what a woman in her position might think and this might be something a woman, not all, would imagine. Touching.

Quoted from cloroxmartini I get it. Difficult to read at times, but I get it. I can only imagine what a woman in her position might think and this might be something a woman, not all, would imagine. Touching.

Yeah - women. Just read all about Myleen Klass and how she got dumped by her bouncer boyfriend after 11 years (it's a Brit thing), so it put this in a slightly different light. There's a touch of pain in there - I guess the author went through something. Pain shared is pain bared. I don't think we're going to see the author.

Wow, I didn't notice that this was posted. I sent this in almost a month ago. I knew they got a little backed up in posting.

I guess I missed the mark with it. I was trying to convey a simple tale, nothing in depth, but just share what spouses go through after something as devestating as losing a loved one in combat happens

I'm not a short person, but thanks for the read and suggesstions. I will work on cutting it down a bit.

Thanks