Immersion by Three Point One Four - Horror - Looking to escape her troubled home life, Lily seeks protection from a dark source. ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

I'm sorry, but I'm stopping after 3 pages.

This isn't going anywhere and it's very awkwardly written.  So many fragments that don't read right, and numerous examples terrible sentence structure and run-ons.

Lily is intro'd with blond hair and fair featured, then at the bottom of the page, she's described again, completely different, with jet black hair and eyebrow piercings.  Did I miss something?

There's just no story forming and I'm not going to waste anymore time here.

Congrats on completing an OWC.

First one up on the list.

As pure as the driven snow? I'm not exactly sure what this means.

"-- 25 going on 10" Does this mean she looks as if she's 10? Is that even possible for a 25 year old? Not a good start, I'm afraid.

I can already see myself mixing up Lily and Mary.

"You're reading dark things." Dialogue was going fine until this, this does not read well at all.

The usernames on the laptop are cute more than anything, which really breaks up the tone of the story.

This was fine, a poor start but it does pick up later on. I didn't like the dark humour element, unless that wasn't on purpose? Ending doesn't make much sense, what does she achieve from going with the demon? Did I miss some subtext? Yeah, her life is shitty but I'm not sure if going to hell(?) is any better. There was a nice feel to this script though and I can tell you had some fun writing it.

Writing does need some work though. Definitely need more consistency.

Grade: C

Witching through the internet.  Definitely modern!

The scene with Lily and Irwin grabbed my interest. At first I thought he was a creeper and the reason she was into this stuff. Like maybe he was a pedophile. When she conjured up the demon, for me it happened to easily.

I didn't like Lily too much. Maybe if there was more abuse it wouldn't have bothered me that she killed so many people. But Irwin and her sister, they didn't really deserve it and Janis, she was a jerk but not sure it was murder worthy. And Pastor Quinn? I got a vague idea there was an issue, but wasn't sure. He was blown to bits. If he did something bad to her, fine. But if she just goes on some bratty killing rampage, then it's just senseless killing. Give us a reason to be behind her.

The writing is very good here, generally. This is a writer who knows how to wield a sentence and is pretty comfortable with dialogue. Strictly on the writing, this will probably be top ten.

Regarding the story, well, there are some strengths. I could picture this writer working on shows like Charmed.

But this is actually way, way over the top for me. Something that will be common in witch OWCs, to be sure.

We have a story about a teen dabbling in magic, and out of that we get an old(Celtic?) monster/god swallowing up her boyfriend in his room, rising out of a pool and turning the preacher and others into bone and mush.

The characters don't feel real...BUT...my sense is this writer definitely has the ability to make real characters. So as an exercise, this is not at all a wasted effort.

SPOILERS

I like how this started with a pastor and a Christian baptism and parallels at the end. It harkens to history and the turn of paganism into Christianity. There are a few more historical references so I assume the plan was to show how pagan/witchcraft was the common religion before other's adopted same ideas.

The older sister had some good dialogue. I like the Goth aspects as this fills modern witch guideline. This entry does this best so far with that - the internet pressence and computer witchcraft. I wish they had better usernames though.

Another entry with incantations and rhymes. The rhyming could have been better, maybe go Shakespearean? But I liked that we get subtitled demon language. Would be cool to hear. I love that we GET a demon. A historical one. And we get to see it do damage. I like that it is animal-like too. I like the carpet scare. And the found footage style webcam attack. Awesome modernized witchcraft with screen capture. Love it. Only gripe is uneven ending. Love blood baptism,  but unclear on motive to kill others beside pastor.

You definitely did research. I like all the historical roots. It adds to the myth feel. Even the character names hint at the larger picture, I think. Lily - Lillith. Janis - Janicot. Cernnunos.

Amongst early favs. Actual horror. Modern spells. Modern witch. Historical roots. Symbolism.

I liked this one. Writing was good and easy to understand. I liked the story which was also told in an easy way to follow. It was definitely horror. I liked the video chat part. I have no suggestions to improve this script. It works as is and I like it.

My only complaint would be Mary's description. What does 25 going on 10 mean? Is she mentally disabled? Acts like a 10 year old? Immature? Naive? What? I guess, I'll have to wait and see her actions to find out. I hate descriptions like that. Especially when it turns out, it doesn't fit the character at all.

Other than that, all I have to say is that it's definitely one of my favorites so far.

Great job!!!  8)

This was well-written and it read easily. I liked the character descriptions though I agree with the above about Mary. That description was a little confusing and not really necessary.

I thought the script was really creepy and the blood-red pool was a great visual, I really like how this wrapped up. Pretty creepy stuff. I think you hit all of the requirements here, good read!

I liked this. I like the way it started and ended...There were typos but that's to be expected in an OWC. I did care about Lily. Decent story imo.

Good job.

I also think this is a strong effort.

The references to lore as 'Fountain mentioned were also a plus for me.

Not my tastes and too dark for me - but I appreciate what was done here. Why did the Pastor go? Why not? He's the mortal enemy of what got conjured up. And the others? Maybe there's collatoral damage in that kind of warfare also. That's harsh but the premise worked for me.

The title sounded interesting, so here I am.

I like the opening action paragraph. I don't know why, but it catches my attention. The first line from the pastor...not so much. This could very well be an actual line from the bible, I don't know, but it was super awkward for me to read, and I had to reread it a few times.

So far the writing in the action paragraphs is a bit awkward at some points.

How did Lily's hair turn black all of the sudden? Is this a flashback? If so, that should be indicated.

This is actually getting better as it goes on. You're managing to fit a lot of story into a short amount of space. It's impressive.

Finished and I actually thought that was pretty good. Like I said, it seemed like a lot happened in such a short amount of pages. Also this seems like a cross between Paranormal Activity/Sinister in some parts and I could definitely see this as a feature.

I thought this was a good effort. Just listen to others and try and refine it as much as possible.

First line from the pastor IS a direct quote from the Bible: Romans 6:4.

Hey,

This was a pretty decent story. The characters were set up well without being over done, and your dialogue read very well, I thought. I wanted to keep reading. That was good.

There's really not much bad to say here. I guess I'm big on suspense, as I think it's a key element of horror. There wasnt much save for the scene when the beast appeared and killed Irwin. I guess her spell, in the end, didnt really take, huh?

Overall, a decent effort. Congrats on entering!

Steve

I'll keep his short as I lost my notes and twice failed to up load my comments. It's now from memory which is not a good idea.

Nice foreshadowing with the wine on the dress.

I liked the teen anger, the goth and the drift to the cult but wasn't persuaded by what she did next.

The pastor and the mother could do with a little more, is there a back story. Is that the reason?

The man on the computer seemed a bit light weight but I like how you brought the internet into this.

The scene at the end with the pool reminded me if the film, Let the right one in.

I suppose I needed a bit more why.

All the best

The writing at the start of this was a little awkward in places, (happy to elaborate if you like) but it seemed to find its flow as it went.  The lack of a flashback indicating the time jump didn’t help and it took me a second read to connect it all.

Story held my attention and overall I was pleasantly surprised with the ending.  Thought it was handled well by concentrating on Lily and not the carnage being wrought around her.  There’s also something surreal in the final image of Cernunnos and Lily disappearing into the pool together.

What’s missing for me were Lily’s motives for all this.  The conflict between Lily and her family (and their beliefs) didn’t seem established enough to warrant her actions.  Hard to get a feeling of her 'troubled' home life when everyone around her seemed genuinely concerned for her well-being -- though perhaps I’m missing the point of the horror here...  But then, what’s in it for her?  Give us a sense of her reasoning, however twisted it may be.

  

This is actually a bump. I can't believe only 14 people have read it. I liked it. It's well worth the read. Take a peek guys/gals. And no, it's not my script. I have no idea who wrote it. :)

Some interesting ideas in this one. I thought it could be tightened up in parts and needs a bit more tension.
The plot was one of the more original ones I've read. The pages went fast and dialogue was pretty good on the whole.

Pseudonym rules. I see what you did there.

Anyway, I said I wouldn't bother with the writing, format, and what not on these last couple scripts but you can lose the colons on the characters' names. They're not necessary. Also, WTF does 25 going on 10 mean?

Anyway, I liked this one. The image feels a little redundant after reading so many scripts with pentagrams, candles, and goth iconography but that's obviously not the writer's fault. I liked the family dynamics. Having written a feature based on similar ideas, I thought they were well illustrated here. I got a sense of everyone pretty quickly.

I liked the way the video chat was used and the screen capture seemed like the only time a computer was used to do something supernatural in one of these scripts that didn't feel like a complete stretch. The demon was cool. I've seen similar ones in the previous scripts but they've all worked similarly. I didn't like the description "hoofed foot" though. You could've just said hoof or hooves or whatever.

I liked the ending as well. I thought having everything happen whilst Lily was underwater was a nice touch. The muted atmosphere actually made it all come off more sinister.

I'm sure there're some gripes but I can't think of any at the moment. It's almost 3AM and scripts can always be better than they are somehow. Take a look at the other comments and try to apply what they said. For now, I'm pretty pleased with this one.

It's apparent that the writer here knows grammar and sentence structure.  Odd formatting choices kept me scratching my head, because I feel the writer here knows it, due to the outstanding writing and screenplay logic.  But I could be wrong.

Character descriptions were my least favorite part about this, but I have my own tastes.  It's simple, yet overwhelming to grasp.

I did enjoy the entire sequence where the beast showed up and took Irwin.  In fact, Cernunnos was the only character description that I thought was spot on in every way.

Good job & effort!

Johnny

This had it's good parts and bad. I'm kind of up in the air on it though. As I said I liked parts of this like, probably more so from the middle on, but other parts felt like they needed more of a backstory to go along with it - as someone else has pointed out - Lily's motives didn't feel properly explained. And how did the boyfriend tie into it? (he seemed like a nice guy too). But I guess a few more pages would have allowed for a bit more information.

All in all - good effort. :)

Renee

I think this one is well writen, a "fast read" I think its called. Well done on that.

The dialogue felt natural, it flowed well.

The story itself is pretty straight forward (revenge theme) and meets the challange IMO. Online spell casting is pretty modern and the climax, violent without being totally gruesome.

Overall good job!

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Immersion

Hello!

I enjoyed the script.

It was a little bit erratic, but in an interesting way. I first saw Lilly get out of her role.  She gives away the white cloth, because it's bad- she wants to have the dangerous spelling book; the complete opposite. But in act 3 I realized the whole second act was a very good hidden flashback. Good executed. Here the flashback is used really effective.
Maybe you can remove one of the characters.
How does the laptop appear suddenly? Whatever. I must have read over that. The script was just too clear and harmonic in every way.

Cool stuff you brought to the screen in one week...

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

35. Immersion by Three Point One Four - Horror - Looking to escape her troubled home life, Lily seeks protection from a dark source.
Brief - Teen uses witchcraft to protect her from the evil (Christian) people around her

Location(s)  - Residential swimming pool, House interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
LILY, 15, blond hair and fair featured
Antagonist(s)  -
PASTOR QUINN, a heavyset man in his 50s
MARY, 25, tall, lanky, and a perpetual frowner
JANIS, every bit of 40
IRWIN, 30s, a shirtless and tattooed
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. With some re-work this could be salvaged into a  good, marketable story.
Comments  -  Don't put colons after your characters. Pg4 and you got five full actors to pay. This story's hanging in there, make them earn their keep and don't drop the ball. I appreciate that this at least looks like you did some homework on modern witchcraft. Aw, d@mn. Pg6:
CERNUNNOS, ageless, a horned beast with the form of a man,
comes into view. It glides forward, then sinks out of sight.
You just went classic witch = fail. I'll keep on a few more pages and see if you pull this one out of a tailspin, maybe salvage something. I like the potential. (At least it's horror! Ha!) Alright I finished it. Not bad for a Judeo-Christian witch story - not what I'm looking for, though. Good use of setting, could probably pare out Mary's role and just keep this cast down to four with the Pastor Quinn actor playing double duty as Cernunnos, three if Irwin becomes just a text response. Now, we can salvage this J-C witch story by making Cernunnos' appearance more of a spirit that "affects" Irwin and Pastor Quinn, but then we kinda loose the whole horror aspect. Hmm... what to do what to do. Good premise though. And one of the very few stories where the witch is the NOT the antagonist!
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but require intricate rewrite to make usable.

$500 - 1,000           Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.4               Screenplay Pages
= $53 - 106           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope, but could be reworked to accommodate
Horror - The rewrite threatens to remove the horror part