Meter Maid by Athol Forsyth - Short, Drama - A bad day for a Meter Maid.  3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Looks like it's called 'Billy The Bomb'. Aside from that, poor. Nothing really happens.

There is not a great deal to say about this one, given its brevity, though I would hazard a guess as to who inspired the character of Billy haha.

The title does not match that of the script, and I wonder if the Warden was originally a woman and you elected to change the gender.  I agree with that choice, if so.

I would say the Establishing Shot is unnecessary, particularly as you do not describe the shot.  An establishing shot is most often for something specific anyway, and as your story could take place on any street, I think your opening slug is adequate.  Some will get their knickers in quite the twist if you neglect to add Fade In, but I remain ambivalent to that issue.

The dialogue for the Traffic Warden is a bit flat, and would perhaps benefit from a bit more aggression as opposed to that of an utterly passive victim.

The final twist is unexpected, but is so unexpected that it almost strains the credulity of the piece as a whole.  But I also concede there may be some subtleties in this overseas scenario that elude me.

Perhaps you might consider having Billy lift the radio and respond to the call -- as an officer of the law -- letting base know the threat has been neutralized.  Or something like that.  Just a thought.

You have squeezed a complete story into two pages, and Billy comes off exactly as you had intended within this small introduction, so I would say this piece succeeds at what you set out to do.

007-   I don't see why you think nothing happens. it's a 2 page script and I think I've squeezed in quite a lot in that time. The Billy the Bomb title is a mistake, I'll change that.

Bert-  I hear what you're saying about the establishing shot and I'll remove it and add in Fade In.

The Traffic Warden was always a guy,  they get called 'Meter Maids' whatever the gender, in fact it's more offensive if it is a guy.

Traffic Warden's are mostly flat people but I agree that it would look better on screen if  he was more aggressive so I'll work on that.

I'm not sure what you mean  'The final twist is too unexpected' I thought that was the point in a twist?

I like the idea of Billy responding to the call so I'll use that too.

Thanks for the constructive criticism and I'll work on what you say.

P.S. how do you copy and paste in blocks like what I see everyone doing, I can copy and paste but not the way I see others do?, if that makes any sence :)

Quoted from AtholForsyth ...they get called 'Meter Maids' whatever the gender...

That must suck for them haha...I had no idea.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm not sure what you mean  'The final twist is too unexpected' I thought that was the point in a twist?

You should not see a twist coming, sure, but it should also be organic to the story and what has gone before.  For me, the twist here was a complete 180 for Billy.

There was nothing where I looked back at the story and said, "Ah, I should have seen that coming," if that makes any sense.

Quoted from AtholForsyth P.S. how do you copy and paste in blocks like what I see everyone doing

You use the "quote" button on the upper-right, or alternatively, do it yourself using the code for it.

It looks like this:  [quoteX=AtholForsyth]Bert is the greatest writer I know![/quoteX]

Except without the "X"s I have inserted to disable it.  Remove each X, and it does this:

Quoted from AtholForsyth Bert is the greatest writer I know!

Why thank you.  I'm blushing.

Quoted from bert I suck at writing, you are way better than me.

I think I got it haha

Hey Athol.

I'm on the fence with this one.  It kind of reads like a scene plucked of a longer short or even a feature.

I actually think that the dialogue could have been cut out completely with some reworking of the surrounding action lines.  Bert suggested Billy the Bomb (love the name) could have responded to the meter maid's call.  I think that would have been a great way to end it with that being the only spoken piece of dialogue.

It may be strange with how the scene would play out without the talk:  Meter maid issues ticket, Billy the Bomb rushes in, kicks meter maid's a** and drives off.  In that case, I still think it could work with the badge and that once bit of dialogue.  Just my thoughts though.

Take care.

Johnny

Spot on John, it is a scene plucked from something I wrote about a friend of mine who has been left with PTSD after serving in the army for 22 years working in bomb disposal. The short was to be called 'Broken by War' but was going to be too difficult for me to film as a first project so I pulled the plug.

Anyway I've changed the meter maid scene now so Billy does answer that call and it works better, thanks for your thoughts.

Below is how the story did end just incase you were wondering. :)


BAR. INT - NIGHT
KENNY, RICHY AND YOUNG JOHN walk into the bar with suits on holding baseball bats.
KENNY MECHIE
Oi Billy fancy seeing you here. Victoria get over here.
Billy looks at Victoria
BILLY THE BOMB
Oh Victoria you were in on this? Well played, but I know the 3 unwise men put you up to it so I’m going to let you go.
If I was you I would walk right out that door and never look back, that goes for everyone.
Victoria walks past the monkeys, looks back at Billy. Other customers follow along with the barman.
KENNY
So Billy where were we?
The monkeys all grab their bats and start to walk forward.
Billy stands up,  pulls a gun out and points it at kenny
BILLY THE BOMB
Now why would you fucking monkeys bring bats to a gun party?
Monkeys stop in their tracks.
BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D)
I’ve been waiting on you ladyboy’s  for ages but at least your here now.
Tonight’s the night I meet my demons and it looks like you fuckers are coming with me.
Billy opens his shirt to reveal wires connected to a bomb round his waist.
He puts his gun on the table and pulls out a detonator then puts both of his hands in the air.
BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D)

Fuck you demons.
Flicks the detonator switch, lights go out.
                     ~The end~

Hey Athol;

I have to agree with the feedback suggesting this is more like a scene than any other. That being said, I decided to play this out with a few changes.

First; I imagined it was a scene from a Guy Ritchie film (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch)

Second; I cast Vinnie Jones as Billy the Bomb. Actually, Jason Statham or Vinnie Jones would work.

Then I changed up the ending just enough, that it could actually be sifted right into any one of Guy Ritchie's movie's without missing a beat;

Billy jumps in the Mustang, takes a cigarette out of a packet
on the dashboard, and lights up. He takes a big haul, hacks, and glares at it like it made him angry.

Billy the Bomb
"This is not me brand"
(looks around car)
"Oi f*ck... this is not me Sally either"

Anyways... cheers for entertaining us.

Reads like something from an adult Beano comic, I'm sorry to say.

After our earlier altercation, I wanted to like this one, just so that we could be friends. However, it's really bad. I got to page 2 and I was out.

I'm not sure why the Americans like this, maybe they're just humouring you because of your choice of slang in dialogue. None of it seems realistic to me and is actually quite childish. Puts me in mind of my 'tin of beans' story.

In my honest opinion... very honest, because you deserve it... if you want to work in film, then stay behind the camera, or even on camera, keep away from writing scripts.

Quoted from DustinBowcot through straining so much, farts loudly, echoing around the toilet bowl... then follows through.

You say that mines reads like something from an adult comic book and you come away with something like that. Toilet humor at it's worst.

Some people can do humor and you aint one of them, me on the other hand can.

You have said before how much you dont like my work so do us both a favour and don't read anymore of it and keep your opinions to yourself,

I don't mind people telling me where I'm going wrong but you have nothing positive to say so just stay away.

Quoted from AtholForsyth 007-   I don't see why you think nothing happens. it's a 2 page script and I think I've squeezed in quite a lot in that time.

Well, not enough happens that matters.

Bert's right about the final twist and having some element of foreshadowing. This could be quite simple, so that when we first see Billy, he's taking his cigarette out, but can't find a lighter, but then as per the script finds it in the car and we see the ID.

You've not got any motivation for either character - the Traffic Warden isn't only flat, but he's innocent. We'd all like to clobber a Warden, but preferably an a$$hole of a Warden - so maybe have the Warden target the car a bit more - the Warden spends time going through the boring bit of dialogue, so there's room for him to be more interesting if the dull were cut, and replaced by maybe some jealous rant or something - that would give Billy the excuse to clobber him & make the whole thing a bit more satifying -- at the moment he's got no reason to attack the Warden and this detracts from the story: there's just no reason to be on Billy's side.

Athol,

While not terrible, I do believe it needs work. The traffic warden needs a description and an age, unless I missed it. And most of your action blocks seem like they can use a touch up, meaning you could probably cut off a few words from each and find a way to shorten then, yet give them the most visual punch you can muster. All that while balancing your syntax. A laborious effort indeed.

I don't think your dialogue was bad at all. In the case of the warden I think it was pretty good. Not as good in the case Billy The Bomb. His was very stiff and on the nose really. The Warden's came off somewhat the same, but I could picture that kind of talk coming from a proper Brit.

This seemed more like a social commentary than anything. You're talking about bullies here, yes? And senseless violence. Definitely a topic that's worth exploring on some level.

Decent little twist at the end, but not enough to make this entertaining or to give it punch it needs. Hope I helped. Welcome to boards, BTW.

Steve

Quoted from AtholForsyth You say that mines reads like something from an adult comic book and you come away with something like that. Toilet humor at it's worst.

Why are you spelling humour the American way? I will agree though that that 'joke' isn't very good.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Some people can do humor and you aint one of them, me on the other hand can.

You're probably right. Although I'm not so sure you can do either. Your writing being comical and actually being funny are two different things.

Quoted from AtholForsyth You have said before how much you dont like my work so do us both a favour and don't read anymore of it and keep your opinions to yourself,

I'm not sure if there is one here, but most forums have a block function. So you won't see my posts. Before this script, it was only one script I didn't like. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like all of your work. Now it is just two scripts.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I don't mind people telling me where I'm going wrong but you have nothing positive to say so just stay away.

I have told you where you're going wrong. IMO, you should work alongside a competent screenwriter or your films will not be very good. Writing is a separate skill that you can't just learn, generally speaking.

A poem for Dustin Bowcott.


Dustbin Nocock a little parody.
About a A class writer,  take no prisoners wannabe
Get out of my venue and off of my stage
I'm Dustbin Nocock the Captain of the page


Your Script don't make the grade like mine
As I toss yours down the waste disposal line
You're wasting your time and that's fact
Because I say so and that's that

I need an emotional recharge, I'm a social disease
As I sit here hating with my pants at my knees
I'm a keyboard hitman, they keys are my gun
I'm top banana run boy run

A poison pen or a poisioned mind
As I spit on any line that's not mine
An icon on my home made pedestal
I'm a lyrical genious with a mouthful of genitals

And when I go to sleep I dream of me
With a head full of diamonds and a bed full of pee
Copy and paste for all to see  
I'm Dustin Nocock a writer wannabe

Quoted from AtholForsyth A poem for Dustin Bowcott. Dustbin Nocock a little parody. About a A class writer,  take no prisoners wannabe Get out of my venue and off of my stage I'm Dustbin Nocock the Captain of the page Your Script don't make the grade like mine As I toss yours down the waste disposal line You're wasting your time and that's fact Because I say so and that's that I need an emotional recharge, I'm a social disease As I sit here hating with my pants at my knees I'm a keyboard hitman, they keys are my gun I'm top banana run boy run A poison pen or a poisioned mind As I spit on any line that's not mine An icon on my home made pedestal I'm a lyrical genious with a mouthful of genitals And when I go to sleep I dream of me With a head full of diamonds and a bed full of pee Copy and paste for all to see   I'm Dustin Nocock a writer wannabe

That's actually pretty good. The ending is a bit shit as every line rhymes, and therefore doesn't follow the pattern of the rest with a rhyming line following and then a change in rhyme.

The cut n paste thing doesn't work. A couple of little typo's, but over all that's the best thing I've seen you write so far.

Nocock, don't tell me how to rhyme
I'll blow you outa the game like a smoke ring
The way I choose to ryhme is mine, are you blind
This is my venue, hammer time

Every line rhyme but they mine on time
Fo shizzle mah nizzle, See what I done there
Compton 89

A prize lion with no hair
Viper breath bustin through the air
Since I'm here, I'll keep it on the latch
Fuck you Dustbin
Biatch

Quoted from AtholForsyth Nocock, don't tell me how to rhyme I'll blow you outa the game like a smoke ring The way I choose to ryhme is mine, are you blind This is my venue, hammer time Every line rhyme but they mine on time Fo shizzle mah nizzle, See what I done there Compton 89 A prize lion with no hair Viper breath bustin through the air Since I'm here, I'll keep it on the latch Fuck you Dustbin Biatch

And... it's gone.

You think? I thought it was okay, I'll take some time on the next one.

Yes! SimplyScripts has definitely been lacking in rap battles up to now. Maybe we could have a new section?? ;D

Fosho, LETS DO IT  nocock?

Quoted from Heretic Yes! SimplyScripts has definitely been lacking in rap battles up to now. Maybe we could have a new section??

Oh, righto -- because nothing says "rap battle" like dodgy lyrics from a pair of lilly-white nancy boys faffing about.

Haha...just working on me British, mates.  Genuninely, no offense intended.  Just taking the piss.

But, please, back to the script, eh?  You two....I'm gonna have to knock both your heads.

Are you going to film this then? It's simpler than your last piece. I hope there's some action behind all the jaw.

Hey Athol,

Haven't checked others comments on this one (besides the fabulous whiteboy raps) so forgive any duplicate tips I give ya.

Establishing shot isn't necessary at the beginning of the script, a 'fade in:' would work better.  Some of Billy's first words to the "meter maid" is how he's going to "touch her if she touches his Sally".  This seems like a big threat to the meter maid but she brushes it off no problem, which is a bit surprising.  

After the whole headbutting business, we learn that Billy is a cop.  If this twist wasn't in the script it wouldn't really be a story, just a slice of life kinda thing, so I guess its good that you included it.  Although he might have wanted to pick up the radio and call off the dogs, seeing as he's an officer.

As is, the script lacks a punch because its so short.  It surprised me that Billy was a cop, but I didn't really care because I just met the guy.  He could have been anyone.  Maybe if the lengthened the piece and had Billy do more terrible things like stealing drugs or running people over or something, then the police officer twist would hit harder.

Keep improving,
Gage

I don't know what I'm supposed to make of this one. Honestly, I found it to be pretty unpleasant. Not so much a story here as a scene. Guy basically acts like a huge cunt and beats the crap out of a perfectly civil traffic warden only to be revealed as a cop three pages later.

What's the point? That cops are dicks? You can make anyone look like a dick revealing their occupation when they've unjustifiably headbutted someone into a bloody heap. If there's some kind of commentary to be extracted from this, what you have here is not enough.

If this isn't meant to be a commentary and is just supposed to be entertaining/interesting, it's not. It's just watching someone commit an act of violence and get away with it. The twist doesn't really do much except, I guess, make Billy look like a bigger asshole.

I see you took this from a feature you wrote about a guy with PTSD who used to disarm bombs. Is this supposed to be Billy the Bomb? See, now, that would certainly complicate things and make them more interesting. Unfortunately, none of that information is in the script so the scene loses all context. As of now, I'd guess Billy just has anger management issues or something or is otherwise just a prick. I have no reason to believe there's anything else to him given the information you've provided in this script.

For this to work as a short, it needs to stand on its own two legs. Not everyone who reads/watches it is going to know about this feature and even if they did, this script could only function as a supplement and not its own piece.

I'm at a loss as to what this is all supposed to amount to. Maybe there is something to it that I'm not seeing but others don't seem to see it as well. This'd be something to work on, for sure. As of now, I don't care for it.

^WTF?

What's there not to get?  

Meter maid issues a parking ticket,  dude gets pissed; threatens Meter Maid, Meter maid threatens to call the cops, Dude says go ahead, Meter Maid does and dude headbutts him into next week, then turns out the dude's actually a cop.

I get it.  Nothing wrong here.  It's a complete story with an ironic & somewhat humorous twist.  

Definitely a social commentary.

On a downswing it's got a few orphans and overwritten in parts.  Writer can PM me if he wants further feedabck.

Says you. But whatever. I'll bite. If that's really all there is to it, I guess all I can say is I didn't find it very satisfying or enjoyable.

Athol, I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts on this.

Quoted from James McClung Says you. But whatever.

:D

I dunno, dude.  We're on different wavelengths.  You gave "The Counselor" a crappy review, I on the other hand thought if was a good movie.  Other than the fact that the ending just kinda dropped off too abruptly.   Different strokes I guess.

This is probably true and totally fair enough.

BTW, I might take a second look at The Counselor at some point. There were definitely some interesting elements to it and it's probably one of the more disturbing films I've seen this year. I also like Cormac McCarthy. He's a heady guy and perhaps his work sometimes takes a little mulling over. But given the talent behind the film and the amount of plodding art flicks I'm able to put up with and even like, I'm surprised just how much I was turned off by it.

[/tangent]

I think the biggest problem with this was in the structure if the story as a whole.  Athol derived this from a scene of a longer short which is fine but I think he may have chosen the wrong scene.  In many scripts, there are these lengthy, meaningful scenes which are sometimes joined with these sort of transitional scenes.  I think this was one of them.

In either case, we only really get a glimpse of who Billy the Bomb is and it isn't much at all.  I think that's what James was getting at.  I got a slight sense of urgency which the dialogue, I feel, didn't reflect very well.

That just may be the problem-A stand alone scene from a longer script which, on it's own, is incomplete in some areas as it may just be a transitional or complimentary scene to the one preceding or following it.  I still don't think it's a bad script, just an incomplete one.

Quoted from NickSedario On a downswing it's got a few orphans and overwritten in parts.  Writer can PM me if he wants further feedabck.

Puts me in mind of the metaphor, the blind leading the blind. Speaking of which, maybe you could share some of your work as you *notably* don't have any scripts listed here.

Orphans and widows are to do with typesetting, and don't have anything to do with screenwriting. Quite simply, an orphan can be a sentence from the start of a paragraph that begins at the bottom of a page... in editing, this orphaned sentence (nothing to do with the writer) will be pushed onto the next page. Most software does this automatically these days. In regards to orphaned words, the editor would push an extra word onto the line, to make it look neater to readers when the words are in a BOOK.

Orphans simply just don't look very nice. No writer likes to leave them if they can write around it. However if you can't write around it, then it's no big deal at all. If you're really worried then use simple editor tricks to push an extra word onto the line(*edit* they don't make a word up, but bring an extra word from the previous line). It's aesthetics. However, if you truly believe that making sure you don't have any orphans will make your story better and more likely to be produced, then knock yourself out.

In regards to the script, the thing I find the most difficult to digest is the dialogue. The action is only slightly better.

Stick to poetry... only, don't call it rap. I think, if you put your mind to it, you would probably make a good song writer... but you should still stay away from rap. Although, come to think of it, I think you would look really funny dressed in hip hop gear, doing a mad slang-filled rap. Instead of rap, you could call it 'Crap'. I could see that making some money from the novelty value. Who knows, after that, with a 'celebrity get me out of here' appearance, you could even become a household name.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Puts me in mind of the metaphor, the blind leading the blind. Speaking of which, maybe you could share some of your work as you *notably* don't have any scripts listed here. Orphans and widows are to do with typesetting, and don't have anything to do with screenwriting. Quite simply, an orphan can be a sentence from the start of a paragraph that begins at the bottom of a page... in editing, this orphaned sentence (nothing to do with the writer) will be pushed onto the next page. Most software does this automatically these days. In regards to orphaned words, the editor would push an extra word onto the line, to make it look neater to readers when the words are in a BOOK. Orphans simply just don't look very nice. No writer likes to leave them if they can write around it. However if you can't write around it, then it's no big deal at all. If you're really worried then use simple editor tricks to push an extra word onto the line(*edit* they don't make a word up, but bring an extra word from the previous line). It's aesthetics. However, if you truly believe that making sure you don't have any orphans will make your story better and more likely to be produced, then knock yourself out.

Lmao.  :D  Nice try.  I understand you now.  You've got some issues.

Quoted from Forgive Are you going to film this then? It's simpler than your last piece. I hope there's some action behind all the jaw.

Yeah I'm going to film it and what do you mean behind all the jaw,  the only person on here I have an issue with is Dustin and he brought that on himself.

Quoted from Gage Hey Athol, Haven't checked others comments on this one (besides the fabulous whiteboy raps) so forgive any duplicate tips I give ya. Establishing shot isn't necessary at the beginning of the script, a 'fade in:' would work better.  Some of Billy's first words to the "meter maid" is how he's going to "touch her if she touches his Sally".  This seems like a big threat to the meter maid but she brushes it off no problem, which is a bit surprising.   After the whole headbutting business, we learn that Billy is a cop.  If this twist wasn't in the script it wouldn't really be a story, just a slice of life kinda thing, so I guess its good that you included it.  Although he might have wanted to pick up the radio and call off the dogs, seeing as he's an officer. As is, the script lacks a punch because its so short.  It surprised me that Billy was a cop, but I didn't really care because I just met the guy.  He could have been anyone.  Maybe if the lengthened the piece and had Billy do more terrible things like stealing drugs or running people over or something, then the police officer twist would hit harder. Keep improving, Gage

I've added in the bit where Billy calls the dogs off on the radio also in the original he's nasty to everyone he meets with his PTSD issues ending in him blowing himself up. He's not only nasty to people he's nasty to himself. The meter maid is a guy BTW.

Thanks for the feedback.

To put the record straight, this is a scene from a bigger script.
The reason it's so short is to give me something to shoot as a first project.
I'm a stills photographer and this is like a test run for video, I.E. sound, light, ect.

I understand that I need to give it a bit more punch (pardon the pun) but that's the reason I joined SS. To get better.

But even as it stands it has a begining a middle and an end, it just needs some work and it's already bringing out peoples emotions calling Billy a prick, cunt  asshole and the likes so I think that's a good reaction.

Thanks for all the feedback, the good the bad and the ugly :)

I understand that you came here to get better, I'm just not sure that you understand the years and years (and years and years) of learning it requires.

For a mess around script it's OK... but I'm not sure why you'd want reviews on it if it's not for a serious attempt.

If you are making a serious attempt, then you need to team up with a screenwriter. Silverback? You both have similar personalities. You both like to talk. You both write similar crap. Man, what a script that would be.

The idea of making a short is that you can then apply for funding on a feature. Don't you want to do a good job? Don't you want your first short to be a success? Plenty of first-time film makers win festivals. That means money... that also means more likelihood you will win funding for a feature. Even if you don't win, a good short is still leverage on a feature. Film-making is about team work. You have to recognise your limits.

I also don't believe that you've ever written a feature. What do you mean by, bigger script? 15 pages?

Quoted from DustinBowcot If you are making a serious attempt, then you need to team up with a screenwriter. Silverback? You both have similar personalities. You both like to talk. You both write similar crap. Man, what a script that would be.

Dusty Boycott you're such an narcissistic little creep.  A total troll.  

I suppoose we need to have another screenwriter showdown.

Put yer money where your mouth is.  :D

Quoted from NickSedario Dusty Boycott you're such an narcissistic little creep.  A total troll.   I suppoose we need to have another screenwriter showdown. Put yer money where your mouth is.  :D

I already saw what you can do last time. That's enough for me. If you were any competition then I'd consider it. I like a challenge. But you're not.

I'm not sure why you got so offended being compared to Asshol. Your works are really similar. Asshol has far less typo's. That's about the only difference.

Dustbin,  WTF do you think you are? and who said my script was a mess around?Your politics on film making are different from mine.

I'm not looking for funding, I have all my own equipment.
My goal is to make shorts but not to try and get funding , I call it a hobby, doesn't mean its a mess around.

I really can't get over how you can tell me to give up writing as I've only written two scripts.

If a was a musician starting to play guitar, would you tell me after two weeks that it wasn't for me?

Get off your fucking high horse.

I think Silverback asked you for a Script off.
I bet you don't take him up on it tho.

@ Boycott

Typical response.  All talk and nothing to back it up with.

You said it in one Silverback. He's all talk.

Dustbin is an narcissistic little creep trapped in an narcissistic little creeps body.

Yeah well...

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and God bless him anyway.  :K)

Sorry to disrupt your thread.

Don't worry about it, it's cool and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year :)

Quoted from AtholForsyth Merry Christmas, Happy New Year :)

You too.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Dustbin,  WTF do you think you are? and who said my script was a mess around?Your politics on film making are different from mine.

I don't think I'm anyone, I know who I am. It's you that has delusions in that area.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm not looking for funding, I have all my own equipment. My goal is to make shorts but not to try and get funding , I call it a hobby, doesn't mean its a mess around.

Reads like a mess around. No real attempt at story. How will your mates feel about acting in something like that? They do realise it's important to look good in a showreel?

Quoted from AtholForsyth I really can't get over how you can tell me to give up writing as I've only written two scripts. If a was a musician starting to play guitar, would you tell me after two weeks that it wasn't for me?

I'd say two weeks should be adequate to determine if one is suited to the guitar or not, yes.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Get off your fucking high horse.

You're delusional. You're the one sitting on the high horse.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I think Silverback asked you for a Script off. I bet you don't take him up on it tho.

We did it once already. He writes like a child. Why would I need to go there again?

Quoted from DustinBowcot We did it once already. He writes like a child. Why would I need to go there again?

I smell fear.   :D

And it ain't meee.  

C'mon, Dusty.  We'll do a 1-3 page write off.  Topic: Anything to do with Christmas.  I just knocked out as script in two hours.   You can take as much time as you need, then we'll upload them via dropbox on another thread when you're ready.

If yer gonna take cheap shots at someone's writing abilities, then you should damn-well be prepared to back it up with something other than smack-talk.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I'd say two weeks should be adequate to determine if one is suited to the guitar or not, yes.

Now I know you're just trying to wind me up, nobody can assess someones ability to play guitar in two weeks, thats not possible.

Why are you not taking up Silverback's offer? I think it's maybe because you wouldn't like the outcome.

Quoted from NickSedario I smell fear.   :D And it ain't meee.   C'mon, Dusty.  We'll do a 1-3 page write off.  Topic: Anything to do with Christmas.  I just knocked out as script in two hours.   You can take as much time as you need, then we'll upload them via dropbox on another thread when you're ready. If yer gonna take cheap shots at someone's writing abilities, then you should damn-well be prepared to back it up with something other than smack-talk.

We did it once already. I've already seen what you can do and it was childish, at best. There's no competition with you. The only thing you have going for you is that I have so many enemies. Your writing is a joke.

My scripts are all over the site. I don't need to write any more. If you want to put your scripts against mine, all you have to do is post something.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The only thing you have going for you is that I have so many enemies.

Says it all, I rest my case.

@ Mr. Boycott.

Okey dokey.   You proved yourself to be full of nothing but hot air.

And btw, I still think you're Norman Scribbler.  :D

Have a good day, mate.

I really tried not to get involved here, but Dustin's rants are so completely illogical and downright foolish, I have to chime in.

Dusty, to say that after 2 weeks of playing guitar one should know whether or not they're suited to it, is downright insane.  Peeps play instruments because they enjoy it.  They don't have to be good or great, they just simply have to enjoy it.

Writing is really no different.  So many peeps write because it gives them a chance to get away from real life and all the stress it provides.  You don't have to be a great writer to get something out of it.

What the fuck do you have loaded in that bong of yours, anyways?  Seriously, dude...

And, finally, to call Silverback's writing immature when your script in the write off was about trolls and ogres or whwtever the fuck it was supposed to be about, is again, just downright ludicrous. Didn't it end up as a tie, anyways?  I think someone threw you the tie vote at the very end, othereise you would have lost, big guy.  You don't remember that?

Try and be remotely nice, brother.  It's the Holiday Season and there's no reason for you to be posting your nonsense and pissing peeps off.  Go back to your bong, get really baked, and live in your little make believe world you're created, where Dustin is King.

Yeah it really is getting out of hand, Dustin.   Personally I'd much rather "try" to get along with you as opposed to these little spats.   We'll never be buddies, but we do have one common thread.  Screenwriting.

Tell ya what;  I'll go ahead and just publicly apologize right now for anything I've ever said or done to offend you and well start over with a clean slate.    Forgive and forget.   :K)

Cool?

@ Dusty

I just hope that all the Americans on here don't think that everyone from the UK are all arrogant , self made hierarchy.

You are one of a kind, no wonder you have so many enemys.

Quoted from NickSedario You proved yourself to be full of nothing but hot air.

I still can't see any of your scripts posted. I have several shorts and features listed here at the site. Now where are yours?

Quoted from NickSedario Tell ya what;  I'll go ahead and just publicly apologize right now for anything I've ever said or done to offend you and well start over with a clean slate.    Forgive and forget.

I'm not sure what spats you are talking about... but if you want me to leave you alone, I will. Unfortunately I can't help but say what I really think, so I'm best off not getting into it with you at all.

Quoted from AtholForsyth @ Dusty I just hope that all the Americans on here don't think that everyone from the UK are all arrogant , self made hierarchy. You are one of a kind, no wonder you have so many enemys.

No. I imagine they think most of us are a bit thick.

If I took a photograph and you told me that it looked like a twelve-year-old had taken the picture, I wouldn't complain. I wouldn't complain because I'm not a photographer. I'd accept that I probably had years before I could be any good, and, to top it all, I probably wouldn't be  a natural at it. Couldn't become a top photographer if I tried. Would I cry if somebody told me that?

I wouldn't even tell them they were wrong. If I truly believed in myself as a photographer then nobody could tell me otherwise anyway.

Why do people believe that anybody can write?


OK, a point made earlier... some people do it just for pleasure. Learning how to correctly format a screenplay is not pleasure. Writing just for the sake of writing, I understand perfectly, I did it for years by hand. That's pleasure. Once you make a conscious decision to put yourself out there then you are writing for other reasons and are simply deceiving yourself otherwise in case you never get anywhere... at least you never tried, right? bulls*** .

You're trying... everyone posting something here is.

Lovely Rita, meter maid
Where would I be without you?
Give us a wink and make me think of you

Quoted from DustinBowcot I'm not sure what spats you are talking about... but if you want me to leave you alone, I will. Unfortunately I can't help but say what I really think, so I'm best off not getting into it with you at all.

Bingo!    ;)  

And I've had plenty of scripts on this site, most well-received, but I take them down after awhile.   I'm coming along just fine in my writing, but what I need to do is hunker down and tackle a feature.  Something to shop around.   God willing.

Take care.

Quoted from DustinBowcot OK, a point made earlier... some people do it just for pleasure. Learning how to correctly format a screenplay is not pleasure. Writing just for the sake of writing, I understand perfectly, I did it for years by hand. That's pleasure. Once you make a conscious decision to put yourself out there then you are writing for other reasons and are simply deceiving yourself otherwise in case you never get anywhere... at least you never tried, right? bulls*** . You're trying... everyone posting something here is.

Of course I'm trying or why would I be here, but not for the same reason as you.

I'm not looking to work my way up the get funded ladder, I'm doing this for a bit of fun and a challenge.
Not everyone is trying to make a blockbuster.
I have as much right as anyone else to write, the only difference is I know mine will be made into a short as I'm funding it myself.

Quoted from NickSedario Bingo!    ;)   And I've had plenty of scripts on this site, most well-received, but I take them down after awhile.   I'm coming along just fine in my writing, but what I need to do is hunker down and tackle a feature.  Something to shop around.   God willing. Take care.

Well then simply list them. Why go through the rigmarole of a competition?

Good luck with your feature.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Of course I'm trying or why would I be here, but not for the same reason as you. I'm not looking to work my way up the get funded ladder, I'm doing this for a bit of fun and a challenge. Not everyone is trying to make a blockbuster. I have as much right as anyone else to write, the only difference is I know mine will be made into a short as I'm funding it myself.

I already know what you're doing... that is why I gave you a reality check. That's what real people do for each other. I don't want you to fail, even now I want you to succeed. I also want your friends to succeed and anyone else involved with you.

If it's just for fun and your friends are doing it for fun too then all good... but you have already admitted your friends are benefiting from this relationship by having acting credits. Not all credits are good credits.

Depending on what type of personality your friends have, it may be a good idea to allow them to ad lib, say what feels comfortable rather than have them adhere strictly to the script. I've seen some decent footage shot before where aside from the basic story, the actors ad lib'ed.

I seriously do wish you the best, Athol... but I'm also not going to lie to make you feel better.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Depending on what type of personality your friends have, it may be a good idea to allow them to ad lib, say what feels comfortable rather than have them adhere strictly to the script. I've seen some decent footage shot before where aside from the basic story, the actors ad lib'ed. I seriously do wish you the best, Athol... but I'm also not going to lie to make you feel better.

Of course they can ad-lib, I'm not one of these 'my way or the highway' type of people.

I'm not asking you to lie to me but you dont have to be so arrogant and your opinion is an opinion, that's all it is.

Hi atol

I haven't read other comments but guess there are issues from the number of posts already!!

Anyway it's been good to see you active, respond and take part, so that deserves a read. Too many run away, which is a shame. There is much to learn on this site.

Establishing shot - I have seen this used, normally in the slugline, but probably worth not stating - the scene speaks for itself. But is it an establishing shot - probably not.

Full stop after maid
Comma after emergency? By the way I am one of the worst at gramma on the site so take my comment with a pinch of salt
After the head butt you may want to swap He for the name - clarity is king in scripts
Oh, and then it ends.

It has twist, and not a bad one, but you lack a touch of theme and depth.

Why not set up billy beforehand to show a contradiction?

Linkage is a useful method in scripts and adds depth, or density. It defines what's the script is trying to say and unless it is trying to say something then it better have something else. This script needs to say something.

Abuse of the law? Respect for the law? Treating people with respect? Etc

The twist is good, needs the rest.

Cheers

Thanks Reef but about 90% of the comments have nothing to do with the script, you should have a read of them, I'm sure you would find them amusing.

I hear what you're saying about the lack of theme and depth. What do you mean Linkage?
I know I need to give it more beef, but I never at the time, that's what it's all about eh! Thanks for the feedback :)

Quoted from AtholForsyth Of course they can ad-lib, I'm not one of these 'my way or the highway' type of people. I'm not asking you to lie to me but you dont have to be so arrogant and your opinion is an opinion, that's all it is.

When you first arrived and you let me know you were getting into film-making I really wanted the best for you. So I gave you my honest opinion on your script. Doubtless you could get better at this craft... but I wonder why, as a producer you really want to write too. That's a form of arrogance, isn't it? You admitted that you'd never written a screenplay before, yet feel it is so easy that you can master what is required in a few months. Sounds pretty arrogant to me.
So far you want to produce, direct, write and do the camera work, from what I can gather. Now that's real arrogance.

You also have friends that want to get involved. Don't you owe it to them to do the best job you can do? Or are you so arrogant that other people's motivations don't matter so long as you are enjoying yourself?

Maybe you could become a decent screenwriter one day. Who am I to say otherwise? Will you be a decent screenwriter in just a few months? I don't think so.

The best thing for you to do right now is team up with another screenwriter. Even co-write. Take a 'story by' credit and give the screenplay credit to someone else. A screenplay is just a small part of the production. Indeed once it is written the writer is often forgotten about as much as possible. The producer gets all the credit. Hitchcock didn't write, The Birds, Ed McBain did (under the pseudonym, Evan Hunter). Hitchcock went to Ed Mcbain and simply said something along the lines of, hey read this short story by Daphne du Maurier and write a script along those lines. That was it in regards to the script and story. They would have collaborated through drafts too, but the writer was not Hitchcock. Who gets all the credit? The Producer.

Once you've worked with a writer a few times then you most likely will pick it up yourself and not need the help any more. I thought you wanted to be a film maker, not a script writer.

Quoted from DustinBowcot When you first arrived and you let me know you were getting into film-making I really wanted the best for you. So I gave you my honest opinion on your script. Doubtless you could get better at this craft... but I wonder why, as a producer you really want to write too. That's a form of arrogance, isn't it? You admitted that you'd never written a screenplay before, yet feel it is so easy that you can master what is required in a few months. Sounds pretty arrogant to me. So far you want to produce, direct, write and do the camera work, from what I can gather. Now that's real arrogance.

When did I ever say it was easy?
When did I say I wanted to produce, direct, write and do the camera work?
What I did say was getting people involved.
For your information that includes Creative Director at Ad-Lib Theatre Arts Perth Scotland. Vicky Rice.
We did try to shoot the traffic warden scene with her there to help but due to the nasty weather we had to stop half way through.
You are getting arrogance mixed up with optimism.
Nobody in this project has a title, it's a pitch in affair.
We have a saying in Scotland ' You can only piss with the cock you've got'


[/quote]
You also have friends that want to get involved. Don't you owe it to them to do the best job you can do? Or are you so arrogant that other people's motivations don't matter so long as you are enjoying yourself?.[/quote]
It's a case of us all enjoying ourselves equally.



[/quote]
The best thing for you to do right now is team up with another screenwriter. Even co-write. Take a 'story by' credit and give the screenplay credit to someone else. A screenplay is just a small part of the production. Indeed once it is written the writer is often forgotten about as much as possible. The producer gets all the credit. Hitchcock didn't write, The Birds, Ed McBain did (under the pseudonym, Evan Hunter). Hitchcock went to Ed Mcbain and simply said something along the lines of, hey read this short story by Daphne du Maurier and write a script along those lines. That was it in regards to the script and story. They would have collaborated through drafts too, but the writer was not Hitchcock. Who gets all the credit? The Producer..[/quote]

I tell you what Dustin, why don't you rewrite the Traffic Warden scene and we can see how good it is?. I'm not being sarcastic,  I really want to see..[/quote]

Quoted from AtholForsyth I tell you what Dustin, why don't you rewrite the Traffic Warden scene and we can see how good it is?. I'm not being sarcastic,  I really want to see.

I'm 40 pages into a new thriller. Why would I want to write your short?

Because you been telling me from the start to get someone else to write my script.

Do one paragraph and if it's good, I'll take my hat off to you.

If you don't even try, then shut the fuck up and find some other mother fucker to wind up.

I tell you what, you give me a paragraph from one of your scripts and I'll replace it, make it in the first 5 pages and we'll see who is the creative here.
I'll shoot you down in flames.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'll shoot you down in flames.

Quoted from DustinBowcot My scripts are all over the site...If you want to put your scripts against mine, all you have to do is post something.

This.

I have not noticed, but have you commented on any of Dustin's work, or had a fair, honest read of some of it?

When I have a disagreement with a fellow author, their own work is the absolute first place I go to verify their cred.

Quoted from bert have you commented on any of Dustin's work, or had a fair, honest read of some of it?

Have you?  And I don't ask that to be a smartass, but all the scripts I've read from him I have not been impressed at the least bit.  So, I'm wondering if there's a script of his that you've read that you'd be willing to  recommend.  Again, not trying to fan the flames, just trying to gain a broader perspective of the situation.

Quoted from NickSedario Have you?

Of course.  I read a little something by nearly everyone -- even you -- though I do not always elect to comment.

I recall one Dustin wrote about a magician -- and while I found it somewhat flawed, and told him so, it was also unique and engaging enough that I saw it through to its conclusion.

I would point you to that one -- "Great Escape" if memory serves -- though I do not have time to track down the link.

Quoted from bert This. I have not noticed, but have you commented on any of Dustin's work, or had a fair, honest read of some of it?

If I'm honest which I am, I haven't read much of his stuff. I did try to read 'Donny and somebody' but I got put off straight away when someone was trying to do a shit, farted, then followed through. I did read on for a a bit after that but I thought he had ate the dictonary so I bailed like a rat down a drainpipe.

But the main problem I have is he's an arrogant waste of time.

This is about him telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
Read back to the Cocaine Galore thread and this one if you have time and you'll see where it all comes from.

He don't like newbies or anyone that he feels that he's superior over, which is about 101%.

The proof is, look back the feedback he has given, he gives bad negative feedback, falls out with the person, comes back in like a new person, all possitive. Next thing you know, he's snapping at the heals, waiting for a response and if he dont get it straight away snap snap snap .

Hey Athol

Ok, I gave it a read through. Since it's only 3 pages, it only took five minutes. So what got from that five minutes of reading was....

Dialogue - It read so so. Not terrible by any means.  Example. Big Bald guy tells traffic cop "Aye, get your stinking hands off me." For some reason I was compelled to say " You damn dirty ape" That's just me..lol.  The rest read fine, it was only 3 pages

Story- As many stated, there needed to be a little more depth into. I know  it's a borderline micro-short, but even still. Why was billy the bomb so pissed? I mean we all get tickets and they suck. But he seemed extra pissed. Pissed enough to hit a traffic cop. Maybe insert some type of reason on why he was angry that day. Could have given your character a bit more depth.

Overall it was ok.  But I think you could admit it needed some more work.

Hope this helps in any way.

Best of luck man

Marcello

Quoted from bert Of course.  I read a little something by nearly everyone -- even you -- though I do not always elect to comment. I recall one Dustin wrote about a magician -- and while I found it somewhat flawed, and told him so, it was also unique and engaging enough that I saw it through to its conclusion. I would point you to that one -- "Great Escape" if memory serves -- though I do not have time to track down the link.

I'll check it out.  And I suppose I did see some talent in his Adm and Ev script.  Heck I even liked his troll story to a certain degree.   Okay sorry to distract this thread, but one last thing.  Dusty has been riding Athol pretty hard.  He's like the Energizer Bunny on crack.  Keeps going, on and on, and on, and on...And Athol's taken fairly well.  Most people would've run off by now.

So props to Athol.  Just no more white boy rap, please.  :P

I know it needs work Reel-Truth I'm not denying that in the slightest but remember films aint real life. Look at 'Training Day' with Denzel. He's a nasty piece of work, a bent cop, he beats people up, not for any reason more than he want to.

I'm Scottish and if I used the line 'You damn dirty ape' it wouldn't ring true, nobody says that here.

As I said I know it needs more depth and I plan to fix it,

Thanks man

It was a Planet of the Apes reference. I wasn't saying to use it. Not at all. I was just saying that's where my brain went after reading that line.

Definitely don't use that ape line...lol

Hey writer!
I look around some scripts around holidays, so I'm finally back from nowhere since the One Week Challenge. Who cares... Ok, 1 and a half page. I'm not experienced in this short length, but story is story...
I got no personal conflict here; in any of the other discussions; hope to spend you some feedback.

Want to say to you that I like the script and maybe that helps you to reflect your statistic better. It's not in a false way concerning to the number of peoples with sympathy for the stuff.

It's a very short script.Shoot the script if possible for you. It works imo.  It's easy to shoot. I see it almost ready for filming.

A big rough John Goodman guy (only by giving me the characters name; it's enough ;-) ) and a helpless thin controller. There's a comic-style violence scene, oversubscribed (don't know if that's the right term) sure, but, why not? It's cinematic. It's a kind of telling a story, for sure.

The twist (pointe) is good.
I would do almost nothing to the script except of making the pointe bigger in style.

The cop could respond the actual emergency-call of the victim which he gets from the police office to the radio in his car by saying sth. like the following - just better: "Yeah-no, false alert!" Then he starts the engine and there's coming off the radio Cypress Hills "Ouuh Ouhh, sound of the police" He rushes away in his Mustang.

I'm not joking- point out the cool behavior of the cop. I see only more style in the pointe. It's already the strength of your script, you can develop it further.

Another thought is- you could do the headbut-move with some slow-motion blood. I mean tune the violence act up, your twist is so good and will avoid the film of being stupid violent stuff.
Shoot it up. Could be a runner on youtube.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Cypress Hills "Ouuh Ouhh, sound of the police"

lights a joint at the end instead of a cig, Hits from the Bong

I think we onto something :)

Yeah right, I forgot the big drug influence of Cypress Hill, maybe didn't fit here.

But still I believe the cop needs more profile at the end. What he did; hit the guy; seems to be natural for him, not for us- so show us who he is, when he does something which is natural for us, things we usually do all day - like starting a car, listening music etc.
at the end

That will carry your message which is, if I see it right: There are many
models of life or/and people. So welcome to the ASS COP

I think it does fit, he smokes weed, prob has a bottle of whiskey kicking around somewhere, remember . he is the law, he can do what he likes.

Yes. Exactly that and more of it. He throws the empty whiskey-bottle out of the window where the man is lying who just wanted to do his job... Just disrespectful. Just another  thought: Go deeper. What can you give him to justify his acting, that little tiny thing of characterization.
You will do it to the optimal

"Your" decisions are good. Keep them going.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Yes. Exactly  He throws the empty whiskey-bottle out of the window where the man is lying who just wanted to do his job... l

Excellent, I love that bit,

He's maybe got a heap of tickets on the dashboard and this one that send him over the edge? maybe,  maybe not, I'm brainstorming here.

Forget that last bit, he wouldn't care about tickets.

He's just dropped his cheeseburger on the pavement?

The point why you wrote the script is the answer to best way of execution. Don't lose balance. I hope somebody else who likes the script joins again. Good night

Thanks Prussian loved the brainstorming , goodnight :)

I like the idea, it screams Bad Lieutenant (original).
Other ways to take it, baring in mind it's a short,  maybe see the warden being a dick. Billy pulls in. Steps out his car. Notices the warden as he heads inside a charity shop. They nod to each other.  "Wont be five shakes of a lambs tail".  Warden " No worries, Billy, lad."
Warden tickets him anyway.  Billy rushes out.  Argument.  Warden thinks he owns the streets.  Headbutt.  Billy picks up his ticket, shreds it and leaves it over the dazed warden.
Gets in his car. Grabs his police ID. Revs the engine, music pumps. Smiles. Heads on his way.

Or, Billy stuck inside a shop. Just at the till, only meaning to be five minites. He keeps his eye on the roaming traffic warden that looms up the street. He keeps trying to get out the shop in order to talk to the warden but he will lose his place in a massive line.  Could create some comedic drama. By the time he gets his shopping done, he reaches his car just as traffic warden STAMPS his window with a ticket. Then we have RAGE, haha!

Just a few ideas.

All the best with what you have though, I think it would be fun to see and good luck with it.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Because you been telling me from the start to get someone else to write my script. Do one paragraph and if it's good, I'll take my hat off to you. If you don't even try, then shut the fuck up and find some other mother fucker to wind up. I tell you what, you give me a paragraph from one of your scripts and I'll replace it, make it in the first 5 pages and we'll see who is the creative here. I'll shoot you down in flames.

I wasn't suggesting teaming up with me, I wouldn't work for you. I've had my fill of dreamers. I turned away a guy offering to make All About Janet just a couple of days ago and he actually has a showreel of his work. I admit though that the only reason I didn't let him make it was because I like the story too much, and I'd like to make it myself one day. It would take someone very good or actually paying me to get that short script. Why would I write yours? What do I have to gain from that? Do you have a showreel? Can you guarantee me that you have the skills and wherewithal to do a good job with my work?

I was suggesting teaming up with a screenwriter you do get along with. You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something.... an amazing brain storming session. Why don't you co-write?

Your premise reminds me a lot of, Filth. Irvine Welsh was a favourite author of mine. I believe there will be a film released soon. Not sure how they could make that work as well as trainspotting. I wonder how they get around 'the worm'?

If I wrote about a bad cop... he wouldn't be attacking traffic wardens. Small fry bullshit, IMO.

Decided to check this out based on all the commotion on this thread...

I don't think the writing was nearly as bad as Dustin suggested, but I'm sure the writer can agree that the writing can be a lot tighter. But I've read much, much worse. Much worse. This wasn't too bad... I wouldn't even say the actual writing was bad at all. As for the story...

The thing with shorts... it's usually like a good joke... a set up and then punchline (payoff)... here, the set-up doesn't seem suitable with the payoff. Dialogue is fine I guess, though I think a lot of it can be cut out.

Or you can keep most of the dialogue, but maybe add a page or two, to make the character's shocking outburst seem more justified based on maybe a clue or two as to what his true identity is (as revealed at the end).

I don't feel like there was much irony... yeah, he stomped the shit outta the dude, and yeah, a badge was revealed in the glovebox... but I feel like it needed one more twist... like the car exploding for instance... or the parking authority dude (or meter maid) getting back up and striking back outta nowhere... maybe the meter maid is a retired Marine or something (like many of them are here in the States -- a lot of war Vets also end up doing security guard work, too)... poetic justice if you will...

As of now, it just feels like an imcomplete scene, cut off far too early...

-- Michael

Ah... I should point out that I am talking about his story-writing ability. Not his actual writing, which isn't that bad. The choices he is making are way off. If the scene is about a bad cop and not about a traffic warden getting what the writer sees as their comeuppance, then why pick on such a weak target.

I'm pretty sure that you can't ticket a policeman's car anyway. If it is ticketed then the tickets are thrown away. So long as the officer is on duty at the time.

So what are his motives?

There aren't any.

More irony is needed if this is to be a parody. More violent deeds, so you've shown he can park where he likes, maybe some stunt driving, taking things from a shop without paying, sex with a prostitute without paying, robbing a drug dealer and selling off his goods... then show him being a cop. Because, if you think about it, that's about what cops do.

Change the title to, Jack the Lad... have him wearing a suit, not a twat, got to look mean, heavy hands.

Don't have him beat up the traffic warden, simply have him rip the ticket up. Then he walks into a store and intimidates the shopkeeper, laughing at him while he takes the piss, rummaging around the shop eating things while he browses, then have him steal some cigarettes from behind the counter, maybe some cash from the till.

Then he's back in the car, maybe he snorts a line of coke... does some stunt driving, picks up a whore... kicks her out of the car once he's finished.

Then he hits the drug dealers yard, door straight off.Beats him up, takes his drugs and gold, cash etc... then pawns his gold. Maybe takes his nice car too.

Then he goes home to his wife and kids, tosses his badge wearily onto the kitchen table, normal family man again.

That's how I'd do your story.

WOW, something positive from Dustin!!!  Are you ill?

The Jack the lad bit is a bit cliche, it's also an English saying that's not used here, plus I think Billy the Bomb suits him.

Some good points tho and I like the bit about the whore, I might start the script with her getting kicked out of the Stang and shouting some crap at him as he drives off. Maybe theres a small clue to him being a cop with what she shouts.

BTW Filth came out a few months ago starring James McAvoy, I've not seen it yet but I've heard it's good.

I was just away to send this when I looked up and saw another quote from you

"You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something."

Why would you say that? Is it not possible that some people actually like it?

Quoted from AtholForsyth WOW, something positive from Dustin!!!  Are you ill? The Jack the lad bit is a bit cliche, it's also an English saying that's not used here, plus I think Billy the Bomb suits him. Some good points tho and I like the bit about the whore, I might start the script with her getting kicked out of the Stang and shouting some crap at him as he drives off. Maybe theres a small clue to him being a cop with what she shouts. BTW Filth came out a few months ago starring James McAvoy, I've not seen it yet but I've heard it's good. I was just away to send this when I looked up and saw another quote from you "You seem to have a couple of fans... no doubt attracted by the fact that you have equipment and want to make something." Why would you say that? Is it not possible that some people actually like it?

I wouldn't give any clues as to what he is. I'd try to make him as much like a criminal as I possibly could. That makes the twist all the greater. No clues. It'd only ruin it.

I'm not interested in watching Filth. Maybe it's good, but the book was hilarious. I got my gf into reading with that book. I'll watch it when it hits netflix or something.

I'm sure people like maybe the concept, the twist at the end. The execution hasn't been well received by anyone that I can remember. They've all wanted to see it improved.


*edit* Also consider making this dialogue free.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - DAY
BILLY THE BOMB (45), big, bald, dressed in a suit, screeches his Ford Mustang to a halt at the side of the road where a HOOKER (30) mini skirt, big tits, struggles to climb out.
HOOKER
Give me my fucking money?
BILLY THE BOMB
You should be paying me, I’ve had more fun at a funeral.
HOOKER
Go fuck yourself pig.
Billy throws a used condom at her and drives off at speed.

Hey, many new thoughts thrown in. I liked about the script that it's got only two shots and a big twist. It's a big payoff, a longer script could liquefy that fact. That's just my opinion. Showing a bad cop isn't enough for me to follow for example 6 minutes with whores and all that. But that's just my opinion. There came a thought to me which can raise it all up to the top.
What if Billy is a girl? Don't know about the headbut then. But it would be very modern like
"Now the girls play the bad cop games too." The twist would kick ass definitely.

Dustin mentioned the ticket thing: that's right and has to be changed or focused in another way, I think, Billy should be more focused on the fact that the controller touches his car at all, or stands in the way; Billy don't want to have conflict whith such a weak controller more than 10 seconds... it's not worth his time... I don't know what happens if the controller types the numbers of the Mustang's license plate in his computer. A false in research wouldn't be nice at that point

It's cool, I like the changes in the  radios part . Would like to see the cop start his engine and ride away at the end. It would round it up a bit to finish with movement. Billy drives away, the bad wolf is on the road again. But it's a kind of aesthetic little thing. Director's decision. The picture is already there and it seems that you know what you want.

I would check out the thing with the plate number. Is there a difference if on duty or not? The car is registried as a cop for sure? I don't know if you mean it's his private car at all- that point isn't clear enough. When we see the ID Badge we think he's on the run in plain clothes and before that point: Why does his radio is in standby?

Would be crap if it turns out that police men, as plain clothes cops in duty , or not in duty, can't get tickets. By the way, do you involve civilians watching the scenario?

Good to hear that you will do that short-flick. I'm looking forward how you bring it on screen. Give it style, man!

Hey Mosby the driving away at the end makes more sence for sure. The car is the cop's private one, Cop's on duty in the UK dont drive around in Mustang's, even the undercover one's.

About the number plate thing, I'm pretty sure that a cop can get a ticket in his own private car, I saw a traffic warden stick a ticket on a blood transusion van, so those mofos will stick a ticket on anything that's not moving :)

The part about the radio, the cop doesn't use his own radio, we don't know if he even has one on him,  he answers the traffic wardens radio and the control person doesn't know the difference.

Civilians watching the scenario? I hadn't even thought of that, could be another twist there :)

i'll try and give it more style than a stylish thing from stylesville.

There's no point at all to the story unless you make it satirical.

Whether he can get a ticket or not becomes unimportant if it isn't the focal point of the story. So long as he doesn't beat up the traffic warden then drive off end of story, and he simply rips the ticket up to go onto a greater escalation of crimes, then the ticket is forgotten about...

However to keep the satirical reference to the police abuse of power it is important to keep it, so the ticket should be ripped up. This shows he can park where he likes.

The police take taxes, and they take more from shop owners as they pretty much run a protection racket... so rather than have him steal from a shop have him just walk in and the owner nervously give him money. If you can't find a shop, then a mock nightclub or pub... as they have to pay extortionate taxes to the police for extra protection... or they will close you down... and they don't even need to smash the place up.

Show him speeding too, if you can find somewhere quiet maybe put in some handbrake turns, attempt some camera trickery to make it appear he's on a legitimate road... just whatever you can without actually breaking the law.

The sex worker thing... probably doesn't fit the scenario. As you don't exactly want to show him being a bad cop, but that all cops are bad. Not that they aren't good too... you just want to point out what's bad.

Then the robbing of the drug dealer signifies the proceeds of crime law. The police are always showing off on the TV about the latest porsche they've stolen from an unlicensed drug dealer, along with his house and anything else they can sell. If you've got two cars, then he could take the keys to the mustang from the drug dealer.

Then at the end it's important to show him as just being an ordinary guy doing his job for the government. Normal guy, normal family.

Then it's an artistic piece, it's a satirical reference to the powers and hold the police have over all of us.

To just have a bad cop on its own isn't really a story, unless he gets what is coming to him.

I don't feel there's any need for dialogue in this script. That makes it even easier to film.

The point on the mustang... is irrelevant. The only thing that will pass through people's minds is, nice car. It actually helps your cause even more... because people have to be thinking, who is this criminal? Who does he work for (regards the protection money)? What's going to happen next?

Then boom... he's at home, normal guy... you see his badge. Fade out.

People are going to have to replay everything they've just seen to get it, and may never actually get it without it being explained to them. They'll just see bad cop... when really he's just doing what cops do.

That's the only way I can see this script having any impact. At least it makes a statement.

Ah... you could also show him doing a little bit of the good things cops do too. Maybe he helps an old lady across the road, or stops a mugging... I think only one would be necessary.

Spanner in the works or what, I could still have the hooker getting out of the car but not shouting, that way he could be getting info off her or he could have fucked her? who knows, but at this point we dont know who he is anyway so it's just building up a picture.  

I do have a friend who owns a bar so filming in there would be no problem.

Much thinking to be done but thanks Dustin ( I never though I would say that )

I loved the Ending very much, and I believe it was very original. Yet I think the whole dialogue was unnecessary, and as a result, it can help you add more mystery to the story. That way, it could have looked brilliant. Nevertheless, it's good and very well structured.  

Not my cup of joe.  The dialogue makes me laugh, but I have a feeling I'm not supposed to be.

Scoob said this reminded him of Bad Lieutenant.  I guess.  Crooked cop doing what he wants.

Except LT was way more interesting and such a good script/movie.

Better luck on your next efforts maybe?



--Steve

I tried to update 'Meter Maid' now called 'Billy the Bomb' but it's down, so I'll post it here.

FADE IN:
EXT. GRAVEL ROAD - MORNING

A pair of feet in smart shoes walk along the gravel road until they meet a FORD MUSTANG.
Car door opens and we can see the bottom half of someone get in and close he door.
It’s now we see BILLY THE BOMB (45) stocky, bald and wearing a suit. He puts the key in the ignition and turns on the radio. A rap song comes on as Billy nods his head.
He looks in the mirror admiring himself, still nodding to the beat then drives off into the distance.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - DAY

ANGIE a hooker (35) mini shirt, big breasts, long hair, stands on the pavement next to JOHNNY (14) tall, thin and scruffy.
She combs Johnny’s tangled hair with her fingers then gives him a couple of coins for the burger van parked along the road.
Billy pulls up in his Ford Mustang and winds down the window.

ANGIE
You’re early, I don’t have your money.

BILLY THE BOMB
Get in.

Angie gets in, Billy’s window winds back up and they drive off to a secluded road and park up.

EXT. STREET - AN HOUR LATER

Mustang pulls up and Angie gets out, straightens her skirt and flattens down her messy hair.
Billy’s window winds down.

BILLY THE BOMB
I’ll be back later, you better have my fuckin money.

Window goes back up, Billy drives off.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - LATER

Billy’s Mustang sits parked on double yellow lines.
A TRAFFIC WARDEN (40),thin, walks round looking at it, then writes out a ticket.
BILLY walks round the corner.

BILLY
Oi, meter maid.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
Is this your car Sir?

BILLY
What about it?

TRAFFIC WARDEN
I’m issuing a ticket because the vehicle is illegally parked.

BILLY
I’ll stick the ticket up your fucking arse.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
Don’t threaten me Sir, I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them, challenge the fine through the council’s parking complaints procedure if you don’t agree with it.

BILLY
Last chance Hitler, fuck off.  

Billy walks over to the Traffic Warden, noses touching.
Scared, the Traffic Warden pulls out his radio.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
13 to control, I have a situation over.

Quick as a flash, Billy grabs the Traffic Warden’s ears and headbutts him just above the eye. Traffic Warden falls down bleeding, screaming for help.
Billy kneels over the top of him, punching his bleeding face.
The Traffic Warden now unconscious, in a pool of blood.

WARDENS RADIO
Come in 13, come in 13.

Billy picks up the Warden’s radio.

BILLY
13, false alarm, over.

WARDENS RADIO
Roger that 13, out.

Billy jumps in the Mustang, takes a joint of weed off the dashboard.
After looking through all his pockets for a lighter, he opens the glove compartment to find a lighter, right next a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and his POLICE ID BADGE.
Billy lights up a joint, finishes what’s left in bottle and winds down the window.

BILLY THE BOMB
Oi 13, unlucky for some.

Empty bottle flies through the air, landing next to the traffic warden’s battered body.
Billy puts the radio on, nods his head and drives off.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - LATER

Billy drives around the estate like a vulture homing in on it’s pray until he sees Angie standing at the side of the road with Johnny.
He honks the horn and pulls up in the Mustang.

BILLY THE BOMB
Johnny, take a hike, your mum’s working.

ANGIE
Johnny’s holding the money, it’s not safe for me to carry it.

BILLY THE BOMB
Give me it Johnny before I get out of this car and kick you up and down the street.

Johnny goes into his back pocket, pulls out a GUN and points it at Billy’s forehead.

BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D)
You can’t shoot me, I’m the fuckin law.

JOHNNY
Not mine, this one’s for my mum.

Johnny blasts Billy right between the eyes, brains splatter on the windows.
Angie grabs Johnny, cuddles him, tears run down her face.

ANGIE
Johnny, Johnny, what have you done?

JOHNNY
Don’t worry mum, it’s over.

FADE OUT.
                      ~ The End ~

I think this is a more interesting take than you previous, but there's an imbalance.

The way you have it now, means it needs to be a little bit longer, and I think you need to invest a little more into Johnny and his mum - show their end of the story. Part of the imbalance is that you now have us following only the antagonist, while the protagonist doesn't really have any investment in the story.

It's worth working on.

I hear you 007 but cant the antagonist be the main?

I never planned it to be the way it is,  it's just the natural way it came out.

It all makes sense in my head but sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. But I do like the way Johnny only has one line in it, I think it would spoil it if he had a bigger part, but to be honest I'm feeling the way as I go.

Thanks for the feedback,  it's good to have a few angles to go on.

I can see where you're coming from & I don't think that he needs 'more lines'.

My angle is that any protagonist is only as good as the antagonist and vice versa. And your story is the vice versa. It is an anti-hero tale, but you have to consider the sweet and sour - they work when they are both well developed. There is a tale to be told about the Mother, and okay, the son can have the vengeance, and that's the twist, but you've given this a wider vista (which I think works) but haven't filled in one side of the picture.

I agree that you can roll with this and see where it takes you - I think it's got legs, so run with it & work it into something - I like the way it's developing, and you're giving it a bit of body and some meaning.

I see what you mean, maybe I could prop up the protagonist with visuals alone?

Hey Athol!

Sorry, that I'm replying to your rewrite only now. I was inside the OWC and wanted to take some time for your rewrite...

I like it for what it is, but also, the new version isn't worth to shoot "ANYMORE".

1. The ending isn't giving something new. It's the old revenge gunfire thing; plus Johnny acts a bit arbitrarily. To establish he has a gun, and is willing to change his mother's life would need more establishing- so it's getting longer and longer. I see that like SiColl007 mentioned before.

2. It's not that I don't like the hooker scenario, your dialogue is cool and interesting, but at least your script had ONE reason which everything pivots on, in my eyes:


In the older version, a meter maid is battered without any sense and reason, right from the start. I remember, while watching, that your short is running only 2 minutes, right??? So, I know it's going to end after the conflict. So the question is: Why does somebody headbutt's a meter maid, without any reason, just to avoid a ticket? And who is this? Especially: What is his social position to act that way?

The answer is the least expected possible here. Billy is actually in the maiden's team. He's a cop, a public official.

Sure, the first question "Why" is not answered by that. That would be the developing point.

A few images would help to characterize his motives. You show him as alcoholic and drug addict, that's it. I would like to see Billy as plainclothesman in action as well. If you would present it more international, it would be possible to step above your local situation (the organization of plainclothes officers)... It would be nice if Billy answers to a call of his Boss on the radio in his Mustang. He could angrily babble something to himself and go back to work. This could show his depression up on all the drug images.

I see him messy, depressive, but strong like a bull. He wears a worn out leather jacket, not suit.



Ok. For me: the whole things around (all the new scenes) aren't necessary. It's average and does so to the story. It doesn't entertain me. If somebody would ask me, if I would have been entertained by your original two shots clip. Hell yes.

Two minutes, big surprise, much style. Just intensive. Different from all bad "clips".
It's micro short, but good. The length will let your viewers STAY, definitely and the payoff "can" succeed if you do it good.



So, I don't like your rewrite decisions: Firstly it reduces the entertaining essence and stretches it to the common food; secondly I recognize that your turning in a way where it will not been realized anymore. From what I know of you, I noticed you're not very experienced as director/producer and I don't know about your recourses. But to shot gunfire with splattering brain- that isn't easy.

I might be wrong on that. But even if you reduce it to costs "at all", and to what's more important, the content and entertainment stuff I mentioned above, then it really  "seems" like a

Double lose situation now.

I don't want to affect you in any way. Just for me, the meter maid is still the good old dirty joke which you tell at the table in a comfortable situation at night. BANG-OH-SMILE. No long blah blah, blah. Perhaps, this way explains best how I see it.

Maybe you don't trust your twist anymore. I can understand that, because it carries your script and it just works once. That doesn't mean you couldn't give that funny experience to others.

At least, you really got me thinking about this very short length. The most do their stuff too long with their shorts on YouTube etc. A minimalistic thing to the point is cool and remarkable.

Greetings
See you later Athol.

Hey there Athol, enjoyed the 3 page read and the rewrite was definitely more captivating.  I had an idea for you to consider.  

When the confrontation with the meter maid ends, before he hops into the car he could notice a guy standing by the car, witness to everything.  This could be your innocent onlooker.  Billy the Bomb could threaten him with a simple gesture and make "mr. innocent" flinch.  Billy could laugh at him and go to drive off only to find a boot placed on his wheel by "mr. innocent". End scene.  when he enters the car, instead of opening the dashboard for a lighter he could have lifted "mr. innocent's" wallet and he's chucking a bloody wallet into the dashboard (showing a photo of the guy on his I.D. so you know what happened"

Personally, everyone i know that smoke always has a lighter in their pocket.  If you smoke, you dont only smoke in your car.  Plus, cars typically have lighters installed in the dashboard.

Just a silly idea to add some humour to it.

I also think the traffic warden should have some balls to create a conflict between the two.  Meter maids deal with people like this all the time, they usually give a lot of lip back to people that get in their face.  Similar to those neanderthal like tow truck drivers.

That's my feedback, I'm a noob though, so.... Take it for what it's worth lol

Sorry, another thought!  (wow thats two in one day, I'm on a roll!)

Personally I liked the original ending more. Just another day in the life of a coked up, drug addicted, metermaid smashing, crooked cop. He heads home and the second his foot hits the porch he turns into a family man.  Picks up his kid (maybe gives him the stolen meter maid radio for a toy, since you didn't have him drop it) and hands his wife a gift. (something that he stole from someone earlier in the day).

This is one disgusting person, in my opinion.  Makes me think of Denzel Washington in training day.

Quoted from Brad When the confrontation with the meter maid ends, before he hops into the car he could notice a guy standing by the car, witness to everything.  This could be your innocent onlooker.  Billy the Bomb could threaten him with a simple gesture and make "mr. innocent" flinch.  Billy could laugh at him and go to drive off only to find a boot placed on his wheel by "mr. innocent". End scene.  when he enters the car, instead of opening the dashboard for a lighter he could have lifted "mr. innocent's" wallet and he's chucking a bloody wallet into the dashboard (showing a photo of the guy on his I.D. so you know what happen.

Hi Brad, I'm not sure what you mean by 'boot placed on his wheel'? Is it so he can't drive off?  I'm lost man lol

Hey Brad if you like I could send you the pdf or final draft and you could add what bits you feel work and we can maybe write this together, my heads burst with it lol