Adage by Gabriel Moronta ( Mr. Ripley) - Short, Comedy - A farmer proves the old adage wrong. You can make a horse drink water.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Strange.  

Well, I got a laugh from  it.  I'm guessing this is just another one of those scripts you had to get out of your system.  I can relate.

Hey Caleb

Thanks for the read. I thought you would quit on me after the Are You Afraid of the Dark? Fiasco. I owe you two reads now. Lol.

It was something I needed to get out and, it looks like I got the job done. Hopefully I made you laugh with the tale. Lol. This is meant to be done as a cartoon. Forgot to tell enter it in the submission page. And I also wanted to try my hand in comedy.

Gabe

Had a looney tune feel. I liked it, nice work.

Thanks Christopher.

Glad you enjoyed it and got a laugh from it. :)

Gabe

Gabriel

This didn't really work for me to be honest. I get the play on the proverb but the reveal of it being Mace fell totally flat. I dunno, was it meant to be a punchline of sorts?

To me, it didn't matter what the spray was, it could've been anything. The fact was that the farmer brought the horse to water and through not-so-nice tactics, yes, made him drink.

That's all good, I was going with it but then it just ends with you telling us its mace as if we should be surprised or amused, I'm not sure what your intention was.

I just felt disappointment, I thought there would be a further twist down the line.

What that twist would be I've no idea but this left me unsatisfied.

Regards.

Col.

Hey Col

Thanks for the read and sorry you didn't like it. I wanted to write something that was humorous. I'm no comedian so I'll take a chuckle lol.

I've told this joke before and, it gets a chuckle out of people. So I figured, let me write it down.

The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this. Also Readers will wonder what the can was. Might as well reveal it.

Would you mind explaining what type of twist you were expecting? Or any expectations you had?

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this. Also Readers will wonder what the can was. Might as well reveal it.

I did read this, but didn't have anything positive to say so kept it to myself. I'm guessing I just don't like your work.

However, your point here on the farmer spraying a horse with mace being because he cares for the animal so much is just plain ridiculous.

When a horse wants to drink water it will do so. The farmer comes off as retarded in this story. Only somebody with mental deficiencies would feel it is OK to spray a horse in the face with mace to prove a point.

Hey Dustin

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't enjoy it.

To each his own then.

The tale is meant to be absurd. Can't deny me it's original. :) lol.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this.

- You think spraying mace is a sign of the farmer's care for his animal? He just comes off as sadistic to me.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Would you mind explaining what type of twist you were expecting? Or any expectations you had?

- Like I said, I've no idea, maybe the water is contaminated or poisonous, it knocks out the horse so he falls and flattens his cruel master. Yes, I know that's ridiculous but this does feature a talking horse so it would be in keeping with the tone of the piece.;)

Anyway, all that aside, I'm probably just taking it too seriously.

Regards

Col.

He got him to drink the water, didn't he? Lol. Im not casting judgment on the farmer's
act. I'm giving the farmer's reason. He did it out of affection, which can make a person do crazy things. Lol.

All opinions are allowed and considered when I go do my rewrites. Positive or negative. Just know that I'm not going to them all. I gotta have some breathing room for my creativity. Lol.

Gabe

Hey Gabriel,

I'm sorry to say, I didn't really care for this. Had it have been reversed, and the horse was spraying the farmer with mace to get him to drink, it may have been more amusing. But with the way it's written now, I find it kind of cruel and tasteless.

Keep writing.

Chris

Hey sham

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't like it.

I had good intentions with this script lol.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley He got him to drink the water, didn't he? Lol. Im not casting judgment on the farmer's act. I'm giving the farmer's reason. He did it out of affection, which can make a person do crazy things. Lol.

I have to ask as I don't understand. What exactly did he do out of affection? He maced his own horse and forced him to drink water. Where is the affection in that? If the horse was thirsty or needed water he wouldn't have rejected drinking it. So the horse was fine.

He didn't need or want water, yet was forced to drink it and he got maced for resisting and not being obedient. He got punished twice.

I'm sorry, I don't get it.

Hey Gabriel,

Noticed a debate stirring up, so I figured I check this out (which was easy at one page).

I can see how this could be funny, but I don’t think it’s set-up properly. Most people feel more automatic sympathy for animals than for people. Readers are immediately going to side with the horse in this situation, but I think it can only be funny if we’re on the farmer’s side.

I guess what I’m saying is, you need to make the horse an asshole (easier than it sounds considering your horse talks). Spend a little more time building it. Show the farmer being beleaguered and put upon, and show the horse being a real sociopathic d**k about it. Then and only then, may spraying a horse with a can of mace be funny.

Hope this helps,
Eric

I really didn't want this to be complicated.

I took the idiom, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it" and proved it wrong. I got the horse to drink the water.  

It's fucked up on how it happens, but it does. They're certain types of jokes in comedy that are taboo but, it's funny. This is one of them.  

But I guess Eric's right. I might have to add backstory to this. Or how about having the horse bad mouth the farmer in that opening dialogue when he's saying no? Will that be sufficient?

Apprecaite the reads. And as always, I take all reviews into consideration when I rewrite. Got to smash a few eggs before you can make a omellete. :)

I honestly went with this version of the joke since the other idea would have had the farmer forcing the horse's head into the water. I get a couple laughs with the mace version from people when I say it so I figured let me write it down.

Gabe

Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who's on the side of the farmer.  Animal cruelty sucks.  It's a pretty terrible thing.  Then again it's not like this is a serious piece.  You have a talking horse.  So if I was you I'd probably look at a few of the comments and try working them into the story, which will of course add more to the page count.

Maybe you could make the farmer a sadistic alcoholic who treats his animals like shit and at some point he gets his.  Maybe the horse back kicks him into the well or something.  Or maybe the horse is the one who's the asshole, like someone else said.  I don't know, really.  It does have a sort of wacky, over the top, cartoonish-type feel to it, that's for sure - a talking horse, a farmer spraying the horse with mace, then winking at the camera.  It's a little warped. haha.  Nothing else to say but the dialogue felt flat and cold, but that's probably because this was only a one pager and there's really no room for breathing.

Thanks deadite

I'll come back to this after awhile. I'm a slow writer.

Gabe

I think Eric nailed it. It's been proven that people get more upset about cruelty to animals than cruelty to other humans. For this to work, we need to hate the horse and be on the farmer's side.

One thing that sets this up wrong right away is the poster. Isn't that Mr. Ed? It's a beautiful horse and it looks very nice and friendly. We don't want anything mean to happen to it. Why not have a poster with an angry horse. Pinned back ears, a hind leg lifted threatening to kick. The farmer should be nice, but struggles with this mean horse. Then we won't feel so bad when the horse gets his.  :)

Good point Pia.

Shit. I'll see if I can change poster soon. I liked the poster due to the guys smile. But I've found a poster that fits well.

Gabe

I'm going through the comedy shorts list one by one and your's is the first so far that actually made me physically laugh. I liked it.... I totally get it....dark comedy, dam stubborn horses... when will they do what we tell them.... when we mase them. I think the farmer looking into the camera and showing us the mace is great. It would be too sadistic if it wasn't there. To me it's showing us the farmer winning this time.  

Thanks Kirsten for the read.

Glad you saw the dark comedy. One of my first forays into comedy. Lol. If u would like a read, let me know.

Thanks again
Gabe