Bubblegum Horror by Michael Frasca - Short, Crime, Comedy - A typical home invasion. Atypical teen girls with guns. It's all just for fun! 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dunno why I read that as the logline was terrible. But like driving past a car crash I couldn't help but read it all. I had no idea what was going on or why and it didn't even end. Don't know if it was a pisser or not but I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

Oh yeah, I didn't pay anything to read that - still feel cheated though lol.

Code SARAH There’s our victim, three roommates, and a forth that’s currently out of town. CAYDEN Who’s the forth?

Fourth.

Code Approaching his early thirties.

Would that make him late twenties?

Aside from that, really well written, I just don't see the point.

"A house tucked quietly between identical houses in the
middle of suburbia. It’s the typical white painted two-story
with green curtains and wooden porch bannister. Two rows of
large bushes alongside the bannister; obscuring them
slightly. An orange stone path leading to the white solid
oak door. The two girls walk along the path; setting down
the carrier bag by the door."

it is to long.... no more than four  lines. break it up.

when grant says "I’m going to scream. I’m going to
scream. I’m going to" im sorry but if i was shot in the chest i wouldn't be saying that. to me the dialogue was forced on that one

the first couple of scenes reminds me of the start of "PULP FICTION" i don't know why but it feels the same...

also when the girls enter into the room you left out the slugline.... and when they dragged grant's feet behind the bushes... are their bushes inside the room. i'm confused....


no "the end"