Down the Devil's Road by Liam McCann - Thriller - Jack is a washed-up ex-con who's determined to go straight and reconcile with his family. That is until he's framed as an accessory for a murder at a convenience store. Down the Devil's Road is a fast-paced and twisting thriller about a man seeking to overturn a gross injustice. He must also learn to trust his instincts...and himself. 117 pages - pdf, format 8)

Got to page 30. It's written well. A couple of confusing things. The first hardly worth mentioning - but that's what sites like these are for, right?

Your general convention for changing rooms in a building is like going from the

LIVING ROOM

To the

HALLWAY

But on page 3 people just go into the kitchen to the hallway etc. Might as well keep it consistent throughout.

The second thing is worth mentioning. This exchange of dialogue is confusing -

FIRST HEAVY
You’re not in a position to be
making threats, Mr Taylor.

JACK
The name’s Jack, asshole.


SECOND HEAVY
Unusual surname.

FIRST HEAVY
I prefer to keep things formal.

JACK
Sorry. Fuck you... Sir.


I don't get the unusual surname at all. Unless you're saying Taylor - a very common name - is unusual? Not sure - but it needs looking at.

3rd thing, when Jack says -

JACK          
That watch was a gift.

It comes out of nowhere. You don't mention his watch being taken or him missing it - unless I've missed something.

I'm not so into conventional cops and robbers - so I stopped there. The struggling old criminal alcoholic trying to go straight is also well worn. Not saying it doesn't work. But I was looking for something deeper and it didn't come in the first 30 - but maybe it does later.

Good luck with it.

Hi,

Many thanks for your comments. I've changed the formatting for the scene headings.

The 'unusual surname' line comes from Jack saying 'The name's Jack, asshole.' So the Heavy implies that his surname must be 'asshole'.

And Sal gave Jack the watch in the opening scene.

Thanks again and best wishes for 2016.

Liam