Wrong People in the Wrong Jobs by Vinni Chiocchi - Short, Comedy - You know that one guy or girl that works with you who, for some unfathomable reason is still employed there. I present my first installment of an extreme example of that person and the potential detriment to society these individuals may cause. At least I hope it's an extreme example. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Gett'n a 404 error.

My brain is getting an error trying to understand this logline as well :)

The logline is longer than the script. 404 error here too. Does sound interesting though.

The script is now up.

- Don

Yeah....no.

Writing needs work. Story is old, been done, a zillion times. The ending wasn't funny either.

Vinni,

Comment can be explosive. Handle with care.

The writing is far from professional. You slip from present tense to past tense to present tense.  Screenplays are written in present tense.  

Laying is not the same as lying. Look it up.

And there are other errors. Good writing demands good English. Keep working at it.

Your formatting needs work also. You use wrylies far too,often, and you insert action inside dialogue which should happen rarely.

Action sections are generally limited to four or five lines. A large block text is usually the sign of a beginner.

The story itself is not all that original. Think of a new twist?  Dialogue offers hackneyed phrases.  

I suggest you read a lot of good scripts and learn why they are good.

Best
Richard

Code EXT - CITY STREET - DUSK

You have a slight formatting error in the slug. After INT. or EXT. there is always a full stop, you might call it a period, rather than a hyphen. The other hyphen is correct.


Now, onto your action:

Code SQUELCHING, incoherent instructions are being transmitted over a police vehicle’s radio.

SQUELCHING, incoherent instructions transmit over a police
vehicle’s radio.

Code The police captain is relaying the information from a bomb specialist to a distracted rookie on the scene of a bomb defusing situation via a two-way radio.

The above needs to be completely rewritten. Write what we see on screen at the exact moment it is happening.

The police CAPTAIN (97), pulls up his sagging pants and takes
a pause before putting the radio to his mouth.

CAPTAIN
Have you been drinking again, boy? I can't
understand a damned word you're saying.

Captain glances over at THAD (21), who struggles to fasten a bomb suit,
and shakes his head forlornly.

The radio crackles into life.

AGENT SNOW (VO)
I'm not going to make it, the boy's going to have
to pop his cherry.

CAPTAIN
(looking at Thad)
Dear God.

Something like that. Show us what you see as you see it. Write in the here and now. That's all I have for now.

Hey, Vinni

Your premise is your theme/subject matter, which I do want to see, but, hopefully, is shown through the story. It's great that you are trying to say something. Many don't.

You have to read scripts. Start, here. Read other's script. Your format is distracting, and it's an easy fix.

BLB