The Dungeon by Evan Davis - Short, Suspense - Three strangers wake up in a dark room and must figure out what is happening to them and what to do next. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Is it pitch black the whole time? There is no description of anything. I have no idea where we are or what the people look like. All I think when I read this is voices over black. Try a little more detail into what is going on. Are they tied up? We find out thy are in cells, but not till a few pages in. Tell us at the start.

You have an action that goes for 11 lines. Break it up. It makes for an easier, quicker read.

Get red of 'is' 'are' and even 'and' in your descriptions.

All the best

BSaunders - Thank you very much for the feedback.  I am currently working on revising the screenplay utilizing the feedback you have given me.  When I am finished I will repost it.  If there is any other suggestions you would have I would greatly welcome them.  I am new to this and looking forward to learning as I go along and putting my story ideas out there.  Once again Thanks a lot!

I wasn't exactly sure how to submit the second draft, so I submitted it as a new project and in the comments section I indicated that it was a second draft of a previously submitted project.  I hope that was the correct procedure.  If not if someone could let me know the correct procedure and I will do that.  Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I believe that's the correct way. It's been a while since I've done it that way. I would suggest to look into using Dropbox for submission. It makes it easier for you to upload drafts.

Gabe

Evan,

Commetns are sometimes dark with meaning.

No, not really.  OK, the problem here is that you are working in a visual medium, and you give us a black screen.  How do we know it's a dungeon?  Why keep these people in the dark?  If I were someone harvesting body parts, I wouldn't keep people in wooden cells they can break out of or in a dark dungeon.  

This story has a nice kernel.  These thugs are harvesting body parts.  But if you stage it in a dungeon, the audience expects bad things to happen, and you lose the element of surprise.  In fact, you don't have a lot of suspense either because the audience is in the dark also.  So, the ending doesn't throw a curve or a twist.  The audience doesn't have an aha moment.  

Best
Richard

Richard, thanks for the feedback.  I've submitted a second draft that hopefully takes care of the "black screen" problem.  I don't think it's been updated yet so maybe check back in a couple of days and see if I've fixed that issue.  

"The Dungeon" was more of a working title, and honestly one I didn't/don't like.  But I wanted to get this submitted to get feedback on.  It's more of a atmosphere than a location.  Dungeon implies despair and lack of hope, which is the way the characters felt more than where they were actually located.  

You're absolutely right about the wooden cells, which is what happens.  I went this route for a couple of reasons:

1) there is a back story I chose not to include because I wanted the audience to have the same info the characters had, and quite frankly was afraid would be boring.  But I'll post it here (maybe I chose wrong and need to include it, let me know you're thoughts.)
My thought process:
A) I figured these guys would probably not stick around in the same place too long.  Mobility for them was key.  Throwing up makeshift cells quickly, cheaply, then leave and on to the next location.  So this wasn't a central base location for them to operate out of.
B) their plan is to have a quick turn around, get the people, get them harvested, and get the goods gone.
C) they drug the people get them in their cells then get them harvested.  They didn't think they would be their long enough to plan and implement an escape.  Something happened that slowed the process down (which is why they leave and come back so often, and also why they are checking to see if they have woken up).

2) I needed the characters to be able to escape and therefore have some hope of getting out of there.
3) when I wrote this it was a personal challenge to myself, to write a short in a singe location that could be made on a micro budget.  And while I succeeded in doing that, I probably failed in providing a compelling story by leaving out all the other info.

Thanks for the feedback and any additional thoughts you may have.

Also if you have time I'd enjoy feedback on another script I wrote "The Undone".

The second draft is now up.  Thanks everyone for the feedback and hopefully this draft fixes some of the issues addressed above.

Evan,  

I assume this is one of your first efforts as a writer. If not, my apologies. However, it reads as such.  

You've got a decent story, and set up. But where it goes and how it's revealed leaves you little room to make it tense, exciting. It's basically this happens, that happens, then the end happens. Your prisoners are in easy to break out cells so why didn't they all just escape? Is the other man too frail to bust through the wooden door? Then tell us that. I understand the woman may not be. The man who does break out reveals to us they're captors are harvesting organs. Maybe you should show us that. Show a dismembered body on a table. That's a good image and might work better instead of him just telling the others.  

Your action blocks are fine for the most part, but your sentences are filled with unnecessary words. In your opening you used the word "up" so many times. She stands up and... He gets up and...  She stands would work just fine. That's why the word up is unnecessary in these instances. She's not gonna "stand down."

I suggest you go over this again and find a way to tighten things like that. The wooden cell doors are a little strange as well. Easy to break out of. If these guys are harvesting organs I think they'd make enough money to afford steel bar doors!

The one image I loved was when the man came back in and said, "Girl? You awake?" It's good because he referred to her as just girl, implying that she wasn't even worthy of a name. Good job.

Overall it didn't work for me, but you have a decent premise, and with some more thought and creativity you could make this into a very tense, disturbing story. Good luck.

Steve

Steven, thanks for the feedback.  This is one of my first attempts, so no harm, I'm here trying to learn so feedback even not positive is constructive.  As far as the choice with the wooden door and not showing the other room I answered that in a comment above.  Please read my explanation for those things and if you can offer me some feedback on how to incorporate those explanations into the story that would be great.  I appreciate you taking the time and offering feedback and I would love to hear more from you in the future!  Thanks!

Yeah, I didn't read Richards comments, but they do echo the same issues. I can't tell you how to write a script, but I can say you're definitely in the right place as far as learning goes. This is a great place to learn and hone your craft.

Read a lot of scripts, Evan. Amateur as well as pro scripts. There are things you can borrow and incorporate, styles shown that will help you how to construct your script while at the same time making it your own. Your own style and voice will show through once you learn the basics!

Steve

Evan,

More comments from the crypt.

Lets look at the story.  Three people in wooden boxes inside a cell can talk to each other but have no idea how they got there.  If I'm one of those people, I want to know something about the other two, more than a name.  I know your back story, but that doesn't work well for me.  How long does it take to harvest organs?  I'm guessing with no need to preserve life, it's something achieved in an hour.  Cut, snip, pack in ice.  And why would these harvesters ever let their 'volunteers' wake up?  

Generally speaking, coincidence should not favor the protag.  When he breaks out of the cell, it shouldn't incapacitate the guard.  He can get that done, but the guard can't be so stupid as to get hit in the break out.  Then, there is the problem of not getting Laura out.  What hero leaves the woman in the cage?  I know you want her in place for the last line, but you can't make the protag stupid or callous because you want to.  

Last, the ending is still bleak.  The guys have been handled, and the woman is still caged.  Not an up ending.  So, it in some sense leaves the audience wanting.  

Best
Richard

Richard, once again thanks for the feedback and expanding on your previous criticism as well as new things for me to think about.  Given yours and others feedback about this script I accept that as it is right now, it's rubbish.  I've thought through the feedback I've been given and think I might have a way to fix some of the issues with the story (i.e. The wooden cells) and still maintain the back story of doing things quickly and cheaply for the bad guys (i.e. The wooden cells).  I'm going to scratch this and rework it.  Unfortunately I'll have to leave my plan of a single location and do multiple locations and also make it a longer script.  But hopefully it will improve the story line.  I hope I haven't annoyed you too much with this story and I hope you'll be willing to read over the revamp script when I have it done.  If you're willing maybe I can message you when I've got it uploaded for you to take a look.  I really do appreciate all the feedback.  Thanks!

Quoted Text Very little light shines into the room. There are four small makeshift wooden cells. Two of the cells are across from the other two with a small aisle way running between them

I would show where the light shines from (e.g., only the light from a small window – or only the light that creeps from under a closed door….)

Quoted Text Laura pulls herself together enough to follow the wall up and as she stands up we see her face through the hole in the door.

I got lost here – what does follow the wall up mean?

I think you need mini-slugs to separate these locations:

Derek’s cell

Sam’s cell

Laura’s cell

Quoted Text Derrek looks at the doors which are padlocked shut.

I would insert the word "cell" before door so we are not confused between the door the guard came through and the cell doors.

A little more dialogue to help me care about these characters. i.e., I think you need a bit more back story here.

I read from your posts that you are a newbie and with that in mind I think you show potential - it was a nice effort.  

David,  thanks for the feedback.  I had to google "mini-slugs" and if I understand correctly that's basically a secondary scene heading for a location within a location.  If I'm wrong please correct me.  I'm working on a rewrite/overhaul that will include more of the back story and I'll incorporate the other suggestions you gave in that rewrite.  Thanks a lot!

You have mini slugs correct - good luck

Evan,

A little tricky to follow at first -- I’d echo Eldave in breaking those cells into separate locations for sake of clarity.  Given the nature of the idea and the constant back and forth between characters I guess you could then switch to an ‘intercut’ -- though set up each character in their own cell space first.

A few thoughts on the story -- remember it’s all opinion.

There’s something to the idea, certainly some horror to be pulled from it; though as written it feels ‘thin’.  Having a character/characters wake up in a mysterious place is a familiar premise; so you’re at a push right away to put a fresh spin on it -- really take the reader somewhere new.

Having multiple characters, all equally disorientated, gives you a good angle to work with, and there’s a sense of urgency here that keeps the story moving.  Dialogue’s pithy and doesn’t weigh the story down.

Not totally buying breaking down the door -- seems too convenient.  Is there another way to get a character close to escape -- or at least into a struggle with his captors?

I like the organ harvesting -- though as you’re aiming for low budget you’re limited as to how you get that information across.  The ‘They’re harvesting us’ line is a big tell -- is there a stronger/visual way to get that point across?

One way to consider spinning this could be to remain within one of the cells. For instance show the story from Laura’s perspective.  Having ‘action’ occur off screen (audibly) and showing a character’s reaction can work in your favour to heighten a sense of dread and vulnerability.  Just like the character we’re kept at a distance, not quite sure what’s happening.  

She could see ‘snippets’ through the view hole.  You’d have to get creative on how you get the story across but that’s part of the fun in writing.  It would also serve to lower the budget.

I did wonder why they were allowed to wake.  Perhaps they’re removing organs to order; removing a spleen here, a liver there -- returning their donors to the cells (depending on the order) -- I mean it’s a business of sorts, reduce wastage right?

Anyways,

a decent first story, think you could push it a little further.

Steve.

Evan,

A few more ideas.

I don't see how even a half-assed operation would leave the victims unbound.  If I were running the show, I would never risk trying to subdue an adult male whose fighting capabilities are unknown.  They would be either sedated or bound or both.  Anything less is strictly for amateurs.  Also, using sedation or ropes or both makes the escape that much harder for the protag, and that is what you're looking for.

Likewise, I don't buy that the two guys would leave the woman locked in the cell, especially when the have a crow bar and get her out in less than a minute.  It's just a wooden box, right?

I know you're looking for horror and surprise, and waking them up in a dark room makes the audience wonder what is going on.  But from the business of harvesting organs goes, it's not a sound plan.

So, if the story is about harvesting organs, put yourself in the role of harvester.  How would you set up a 72 hour operation?  What is essential?  What is the surest way to get what you want and get out?  

If the story is about the horrors of waking up in a dark room, you might look for a back story that would facilitate the use of such a place, something that accounts for their imprisonment and lack of restraints.  Why would the people running the show want these people to communicate and be free for action?

Hope this helps.

Richard

Steve and Richard
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I just got around to checking this again.  I'm still loving and appreciating the feedback.  I'm my rewrite I'm changing it up a bit to make it harder for an escape.  I'm struggling with how to get them free now, lol.  

To answer the question as to why they leave the Laura behind since that was asked a couple of times here.  They weren't leaving her behind to leave her behind.  They didn't want to break her out because the bad guys returned and they didn't want to tip them off that they were free.  They decided to attack with the element of surprise instead of break her out and make a bunch of noise.  They only knew of two guards, with one out from the original break out they anticipated probably only one more, they didn't know that there would be two or more in the other room that they were trying to take by surprise.  Their full intention was to come back and get Laura after they incapacitated the bad guys.  I just didn't make that clear enough in the original writing.  

Thanks for the feedback and your suggestions have sparked ideas that I am trying to incorporate into this rewrite.  Thanks a bunch!